To Still be Struggling with my Birth/Newborn Experience Almost 2yrs Later

[MintGreenLife]

Firstly I just want to say to anyone that might be triggered by details surrounding a traumatic labour/newborn illness that I will go into detail about these things in this post…

My DS is almost 2 and happy and healthy. Early on I thought about my birth a lot, and I do less so now, but every now and then I get a flashback or I start thinking about a detail and then I can’t shake it for hours and feel quite low. This will be a long one and I want to explain everything to get across my full experience. And I feel like most likely very few people will read something this long, but there you go…

At 10 weeks pregnant I had bleeding for several days and I was convinced my pregnancy had ended. This was during the second lockdown, and the early pregnancy unit wouldn’t see me until I had had bleeding for several days. On day 3 they agreed to do a scan the following day. All was fine, but I was found to have a polyp, which caused bleeding throughout my pregnancy. This experience made me feel very anxious during pregnancy. At around 20 weeks my cervix was found to be short after previous surgery, so I had to use progesterone from this point onwards. At 33 weeks I had leaking fluid, this was while my DH was away and I had to go into hospital in the middle of the night. Was found to have PPROM and kept in for 5 days as at high risk of delivery. Went home but back into hospital every 2-3 days for checks.

Was then induced at 37 weeks. Went in at 11am and had the suppository fitted. Stayed in and starting having contractions around 10am the next day. Waters broke at 11am. I was checked once and only 3cm. My contractions were really ramping up and I asked repeatedly to be checked again to be told no and it wasn’t time. When they finally checked me I was 8cm and was rushed around to the delivery suite. By this time I was trying not to push and was checked again and 10cm. Pushed for 2hrs with no luck and was told would need forceps. I had no pain relief i during labour, only gas and air for a short time as this was taken off of me as I was told it was stopping me from being able to push well. Was cut and forceps inserted. I don’t remember much, but all I do remember is feeling like my son (along with all my other organs) were being ripped out of me. That sounds dramatic, but that’s truly how I felt. I don’t remember him being born, don’t remember him being put on my chest. My mum was by birth partner and she said I was shaking uncontrollably for several hours after birth. For this reason I didn’t want to hold my son for some time.

My DH arrived and I was told there was a private room that we could stay in. While they were getting ready to move us, this got taken, so I got taken to the ward and DS went home. In the delivery suite I tried to breastfeed but DS was unable to latch. He came out with bad bruising to his face, a swollen eye and a cut on his forehead.

I don’t really remember the 24hrs after my birth. I don’t even remember picking up DS and trying to nurse him or do anything to care for him. I spent several hours alone trying not to have a panic attack. I had to repeat to myself over and over ‘you’re ok, you’re safe’ to stop myself from completely freaking out. I was exhausted but I was too terrified to sleep as I was fearful I would die in my sleep. I eventually pressed the buzzer and told a nurse this. Shortly after this I then started being sick and continued to be sick for 24hrs after my birth.

At some point a few hours after he was born, DS was taken from me to have a cannula fitted to his hand. I don’t know how long he was gone for, but it felt like hours and I became very worried and convinced myself something terrible had happened to him and I wasn’t being told. Nobody came to update me and I tried not to bother the midwives but eventually I pressed the buzzer to ask where he was.

within 12 hours of him being born he needed blue light therapy for jaundice. Over the next 10 days he would have it four more times and kept rebounding and having to go back under the lights. This meant I hardly got to hold him. During this time we also repeatedly got discharged and told to come back the next day for a blood test, and then readmitted. I found that very difficult finally thinking we were out of the woods and then to be readmitted again and on my own again. I think on day 3 he finally latched. Before this I was hand expressing colostrum. I continued to pump to top him up after every feed until he was 6 weeks.

Made it home by day 10 but continued to go in for regular blood tests. A few weeks later his liver function was found to not be right, and this was the start of regular tests, prodding etc until he was 5 months old.

in the mix of all of this, he was a baby that could not be put down. I had to hold him 24/7 for naps and all sleep until he was 6 months old.

Most of the time I feel happy, I’m distracted by him and kept busy. But when I get moments to myself, I can be taken back to small details and experiences and get stuck there. This morning I had a bath, and I started thinking about the fact that I can’t even remember holding him or doing anything for him in the first 24 hours. Did I even try to care for him?!

I know I’m not being unreasonable to feel like this after my experience, I guess I’m hoping to hear from others that have had difficult starts and how they felt about things/how they improved how they feel.

Thank you in advance to anyone that reads this. I know it’s a lot to read such a long post from a stranger x

@Kidsaregrim also should mention I didn’t actually ask for any pain relief apart from gas and air, which was taken off of me, so it’s fair enough I wasn’t offered anything and also fair enough if the gas and air meant I wasn’t pushing as well as I could do.

Going to labour ward at 4cm is a very rough guide. I’ve looked after people on LW who haven’t even started labour but need 1:1 care (which is essentially what labour ward is).

Your experience is certainly not typical and not ok, there are definitely some learning to come out of it.

A consultant midwife (in my opinion) is much better than a consultant, they are there to ensure the midwifery team are doing what they should be and to listen to women and their families to put better practices in place. They can also follow you up in subsequent pregnancies, make a birth plan with you so the same mistakes are not repeated.

@Coffeeandbourbons wow I can’t believe we had exactly the same experience, I’m so sorry you went through this, and twice too! I’d love a second but I honestly don’t know if I could put myself through all that again x

@MintGreenLife its not your job to ask, you should have been offered and talked through your options. You should have been supported & cared for!

We can’t ensure that every birth goes to plan, and we certainly can guarantee a pain free experience but we can’t have women suffering for years through trauma. Maternity services need to do better!

You could request an elective section if you feel that is an option for you. It is a good option after an experience like yours and I doubt anyone would object given your prolapses.

OP, I’m sorry you had such a rough time. I’d definitely recommend therapy. If you struggle to access anything on the NHS in a reasonable time frame, it would be worth looking into EMDR for trauma. I’ve also heard of something called birth rewind therapy.

In the meantime, another great place for peer support from women who have had similar experiences is the Birth Trauma Association Facebook page.

Didn't want to read and run. I also had a very traumatic birth and a poor standard of care. The truth was most of the midwives were sincerely wonderful but they were so short staffed and the facilities were awful add in the tail end of the pandemic and I don't think many women were recieving the standard of care they should have. I got access via birth afterthoughts to post natal one on one therapy and it has helped me immensely. I have managed to go back to work. The anxiety and the flashbacks are less overwhelming. Give your GP a chance, someone else has posted a link to the birth trauma charity they might also be worth contacting.
You are allowed to feel this way, it's not because you aren't grateful for your wonderful baby it's because the process of bringing them into the world was traumatic and you didn't feel listened to or safe and you had no control or agency.

I hope you find some support and closure X

@Coffeeandbourbons not a nice experience for you at all! Hope that stressful experience didn’t impact your labour too much x

Also I do just want to add that I know midwives work incredibly hard and in my situation that probably is the best outcome that could have been achieved. It was extremely busy and you can clearly see and feel how stretched everyone was. I get that I wasn’t the only woman giving birth that day! But that doesn’t make the entire experience any easier. Just don’t want any midwives to feel disheartened by any of the comments etc, of course can only speak for myself on that.

Op there is so much there to feel trauma over. Even a couple of those things might traumatise someone

Look into the birth trauma association.
I actually had a straightforward birth with no complications except she was back to back!
However for other reasons I did suffer trauma and I was able to requests an elc the next time which made me things more routine and planned and I felt in control.

@apricotoreos yes that’s it exactly! I had my son in July 2021 and it really felt like the whole service was just so overwhelmed, I really felt for them all, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that a few things that happened I feel negatively impacted my birth and aftercare.

So pleased you’ve got some help. I will definitely look into all of this! X

@Conductpolicy thank you, I do know we went through a lot. As a PP said though, sometimes I do feel like I should just be thankful he’s ok and just get on with it. Not the right approach I know.

Thanks, I will definitely have a look x

Oh no!! Such an extreme experience affects you you may have ptsd as well. Definitely look at birth trauma assc.
My elc really did reset the first birth problem's for me and sort of cleared the slate.

OP lots of people have commented on your birth aspects. I’d like to comment on the 24 hours after you had your DS.

my DD is now 14 and I also had a horrendous 72 hour back to back labour, ending in ventouse delivery.

I was so out of it, so exhausted, and I feel so guilty when I think about it now that I had to be prompted to try to feed her - not helped by her also being out of it too - I’d had that many doses of pethadine I think she was very sleepy and not very alert. I don’t remember holding her or even an urge to hold her or care for her. In fact it went on for more than 24 hours. I don’t think I ever had that ‘newborn bubble’ - it’s all just a massive blur and I can’t picture her in my arms or as a newborn, and it makes me feel very sad too. Sometimes I wrack my brains for memories and they just aren’t there!

however as she’s got older I think I’ve reconciled that it was just such a tiny part of her existence and now she’s this full on, beautiful teenager, it’s sort of paling into the past.

Definitely see your GP and ask for help for birth trauma symptoms. There are lots of therapies, not just EMDR, that can be useful so don’t worry if it’s not available in your area.

@greenyorange thanks so much for your reply, made me well up. It does seem absolutely crazy that you are left with a newborn after a traumatic birth and nobody with you. I’m not sure if that’s normal, I thought it was because of pandemic but maybe not. They did acknowledge the state I was in as they tried to arrange a private room so my DH could stay, but obviously that didn’t happen although not their fault at all. Although I didn’t feel like I had that much support, I do have to say that at my trust they have nurses specifically to support with breastfeeding, and someone did come into me every once in a while to ‘milk’ me (😅) so I could feed my son colostrum, as I couldn’t even manage to hand express myself that first day and he wouldn’t latch, whereas I’m sure many women wouldn’t get that help.

@Birdsongsinging thank you, I don’t know why I never really thought about seeing my GP for help as an option!

@Mykittensmittens i do sort of recall someone coming in and asking how long it had been since he last feed, and I didn’t know. I remember being told he needed to feed every 3hrs, but he wouldn’t latch! I do wonder if another nurse hadn’t been helping me hand express if I would have even thought to feed him at all. It’s nice to get a perspective from someone with an older child and how they feel now :) x

@Kidsaregrim at no point was I offered anything, which I thought was normal and it was my mistake for not asking. I did think at least I’d be offered an epidural with the forceps delivery but I wasn’t x

@NewLifter when I had my debrief (eventually) the consultant did say I could go for a C-section in the future if I wanted x

I am so angry for you. When you were extremely vulnerable, adults took charge of your body and made decisions for you and your baby.

Why did your mum not step up and say no when the gas n air was removed? Absolutely unforgettable that she as your support didn't attempt to challenge, she's birthed you she knows how birth works.

Did you consent to a all those interventions before you were in labour? Was the level of risk discussed? What it can do to you emotionally and risk of physical damage which reduces time with baby?

The health professionals have stolen precious time that you could have had with your baby, instead you were healing.

Why did they feel that two hours post 8cm caused so much need for intervention? Women go for days like that before birthing, especially with support and pain relief!

Search Dr. Sara Wickham for information.

@Nowthenhere if I’m honest I can’t remember whether I consented to anything or not! I was 10cm by the time I was in the delivery suite, and I was pushing for 2hrs. I was told that they don’t like you to push for more than 2hrs because of the risk of doing damage to yourself. I’ve never thought about it before, but that seems sort of ridiculous when you think of the damage forceps did to myself and my DS.

My mum is a nurse herself. I think it’s very difficult to challenge what the midwives say is best. She was very supportive and even did a hypnobirthing course with me x

@Nowthenhere baby was being monitored through my whole delivery and there weren’t any concerns with him either.

OP if you haven't already I would suggest seeing a women's health physio privately. It's not hideously expensive and they can help you physically heal as much as possible, which is a big help for mental health too I think. Much better than the basic NHS service.

Too many women have these terrible birth experiences. Frankly I think they are just understaffed and the quality of care drops. Obviously things go wrong and in your case some of the medical complications may have been unavoidable. However if you feel you are in good hands and know what's going on, it makes all the difference to how you actually feel about it all.

Getting your notes and having a further debrief and counselling is a good idea - as much as you need to help to come to terms with things.