To Still be Struggling with my Birth/Newborn Experience Almost 2yrs Later

[MintGreenLife]

Firstly I just want to say to anyone that might be triggered by details surrounding a traumatic labour/newborn illness that I will go into detail about these things in this post…

My DS is almost 2 and happy and healthy. Early on I thought about my birth a lot, and I do less so now, but every now and then I get a flashback or I start thinking about a detail and then I can’t shake it for hours and feel quite low. This will be a long one and I want to explain everything to get across my full experience. And I feel like most likely very few people will read something this long, but there you go…

At 10 weeks pregnant I had bleeding for several days and I was convinced my pregnancy had ended. This was during the second lockdown, and the early pregnancy unit wouldn’t see me until I had had bleeding for several days. On day 3 they agreed to do a scan the following day. All was fine, but I was found to have a polyp, which caused bleeding throughout my pregnancy. This experience made me feel very anxious during pregnancy. At around 20 weeks my cervix was found to be short after previous surgery, so I had to use progesterone from this point onwards. At 33 weeks I had leaking fluid, this was while my DH was away and I had to go into hospital in the middle of the night. Was found to have PPROM and kept in for 5 days as at high risk of delivery. Went home but back into hospital every 2-3 days for checks.

Was then induced at 37 weeks. Went in at 11am and had the suppository fitted. Stayed in and starting having contractions around 10am the next day. Waters broke at 11am. I was checked once and only 3cm. My contractions were really ramping up and I asked repeatedly to be checked again to be told no and it wasn’t time. When they finally checked me I was 8cm and was rushed around to the delivery suite. By this time I was trying not to push and was checked again and 10cm. Pushed for 2hrs with no luck and was told would need forceps. I had no pain relief i during labour, only gas and air for a short time as this was taken off of me as I was told it was stopping me from being able to push well. Was cut and forceps inserted. I don’t remember much, but all I do remember is feeling like my son (along with all my other organs) were being ripped out of me. That sounds dramatic, but that’s truly how I felt. I don’t remember him being born, don’t remember him being put on my chest. My mum was by birth partner and she said I was shaking uncontrollably for several hours after birth. For this reason I didn’t want to hold my son for some time.

My DH arrived and I was told there was a private room that we could stay in. While they were getting ready to move us, this got taken, so I got taken to the ward and DS went home. In the delivery suite I tried to breastfeed but DS was unable to latch. He came out with bad bruising to his face, a swollen eye and a cut on his forehead.

I don’t really remember the 24hrs after my birth. I don’t even remember picking up DS and trying to nurse him or do anything to care for him. I spent several hours alone trying not to have a panic attack. I had to repeat to myself over and over ‘you’re ok, you’re safe’ to stop myself from completely freaking out. I was exhausted but I was too terrified to sleep as I was fearful I would die in my sleep. I eventually pressed the buzzer and told a nurse this. Shortly after this I then started being sick and continued to be sick for 24hrs after my birth.

At some point a few hours after he was born, DS was taken from me to have a cannula fitted to his hand. I don’t know how long he was gone for, but it felt like hours and I became very worried and convinced myself something terrible had happened to him and I wasn’t being told. Nobody came to update me and I tried not to bother the midwives but eventually I pressed the buzzer to ask where he was.

within 12 hours of him being born he needed blue light therapy for jaundice. Over the next 10 days he would have it four more times and kept rebounding and having to go back under the lights. This meant I hardly got to hold him. During this time we also repeatedly got discharged and told to come back the next day for a blood test, and then readmitted. I found that very difficult finally thinking we were out of the woods and then to be readmitted again and on my own again. I think on day 3 he finally latched. Before this I was hand expressing colostrum. I continued to pump to top him up after every feed until he was 6 weeks.

Made it home by day 10 but continued to go in for regular blood tests. A few weeks later his liver function was found to not be right, and this was the start of regular tests, prodding etc until he was 5 months old.

in the mix of all of this, he was a baby that could not be put down. I had to hold him 24/7 for naps and all sleep until he was 6 months old.

Most of the time I feel happy, I’m distracted by him and kept busy. But when I get moments to myself, I can be taken back to small details and experiences and get stuck there. This morning I had a bath, and I started thinking about the fact that I can’t even remember holding him or doing anything for him in the first 24 hours. Did I even try to care for him?!

I know I’m not being unreasonable to feel like this after my experience, I guess I’m hoping to hear from others that have had difficult starts and how they felt about things/how they improved how they feel.

Thank you in advance to anyone that reads this. I know it’s a lot to read such a long post from a stranger x

So glad I read this thread. I'm so sorry that you had such a bad experience. I did too but 41 years ago, giving birth vaginally to breech twins... only lately have I thought I may have PTSD. I still get flash backs. I have emailed the link shared on here for women who had traumatic birth experiences. I am probably way too late but would like to know the sequence of events that led to me not having a Caesarean ( I did ask in the last anti natal appt I had but was brushed off) they were aware thatI was having breech twins. I had no idea that you could have a debrief either.
So thank you again, even if I get nowhere it has felt better to know that at least somebody out there cares.

Op hope you ok. I met the counsellor while pregnant on 2nd. I had a ventouse delivery it was awful.

I have finally managed to get an appointment with a traumatic birth counsellor called Mia Scotland. A couple of months waiting time but I definitely need it after a traumatic birth during lockdown which I have never properly addressed. I get triggered by all sorts of pregnancy related things and just really need to sort it out in my head. She also has a couple of books that are worth a look.

@SnackSizeRaisin thanks so much for your reply. I have seen an NHS physio but didn’t find this massively helpful as was basically just told to do pelvic floor exercises. Although she did check I was doing them properly. Things have become a bit better with my symptoms over time, so at least that’s something. That makes a lot of sense, I feel like absolutely everything was completely out of my control for my birth.

@Mimilamore I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. That seems completely crazy that you had to vaginally give birth to breech twins! I really hope you can get some help now, and I think it’s never too late xxx

@SizzlestheSausageDog was this via the NHS? So glad you are getting help but so sorry you also had a traumatic birth. Annoyingly I was triggered this morning by having a bath (lying on my back, like during forceps delivery). Very frustrating as it mostly happens when I’m trying to have a rare bit of time to myself, or when I’m trying to go to sleep at night x

Sending a hand hold. I had a difficult birth and beginning of motherhood too (caesarian at 33 weeks because of severe pre-eclampsia - I also had the shaking and vomiting, and didn't get to see my baby in the NICU for 36 hours because of my own medical needs - and even then didn't get to hold him until the next day). It was lockdown shortly after I came home with him, and for a long time I found it really hard to deal with the fact that I had experienced none of the usual pregnancy and birth things - no big bump (I hardly even showed and didn't have a single photo in which I looked pregnant), no vaginal birth, no newborn on my chest, no "normal" breastfeeding (I had to pump exclusively), no mother and baby groups... It was really difficult for me to see other pregnant friends having all the experiences I'd missed out on, and I just felt like I was totally incompetent at the things which should be most basic for women.

I'm sharing this as one thing that helped me was reading similar threads and realising that I was not alone (and also realising that other people with seemingly textbook experiences had their own challenges). Time passing also helped and now DS is 3, there have thankfully been no medical worries for a long time, and the early experiences clearly haven't impacted our very close relationship.

Please get counselling if you have some available - and also, just sending a hug to say that it's ok to feel like you do, you're not alone, and while you can never change the past, it can get easier to process the experiences.

So sorry to hear about your experience. Echoing other posters, it's completely understandable you would feel the way you would.

Your GP can refer you to your local IAPT service for talking therapies. If they don't offer EMDR they will definitely be able to offer trauma focused CBT. Different areas have different waiting lists which will probably be a factor in whether you want to go private or not but that can be costly. (50-70 pounds per session as an average figure id say dependent on area). Good luck I hope you manage to get the support you need

@sunnydayhereandnow I’m so sorry you had such a difficult time, that sounds really tough. The pandemic made pregnancy so different and even more stressful than it usually is. During my pregnancy that was when the vaccination became available and there was basically no advice regarding if it was safe in pregnancy. I found that an absolutely awful decision to have to make and I cried as soon as I went into the vaccination centre as I was so worried I was doing the wrong thing and it could harm him. Covid and pregnancy was an absolute minefield, and I can’t imagine having had him in the first lockdown with how long it went on and no support, especially after your experience.

I’m so glad you feel time has helped, and like you I have a very close relationship with my son too, so sometimes it feels like all that stuff at the start was insignificant, but then it crops back up again in my head x

@MintGreenLife it is private counselling, someone recommended her to me and her book was fairly helpful so I thought I'd bite the bullet and get an appointment.

The book is called Birth Shock (accurate title or what?)

@SizzlestheSausageDog thanks so much for the suggestion x

OP for what it's worth, because he was jaundice, those first 24 hours would have likely been made up of him sleeping due to the jaundice and you sleeping due to what you had just been through.

I doubt there was much significant that would have happened for you to remember.

You poor thing. Often these things come up again for women when they begin considering having another child.

I would seek talking therapy, privately if you're able to.

@FourBoysAndAFeline yes you are right about DS, he was very sleepy hence why he wouldn’t latch and wasn’t waking to feed etc. I don’t think I slept at all though!

Thank you. I’ll definitely have a look into my options x

Yes I found similar with the NHS one. Nice enough but not that helpful. The private one was far better - more of a holistic approach. There's a lot more to it than pelvic floor exercises. Search for mummy MOT to find someone locally.
Glad symptoms have improved for you - if you do want another baby at some point it's even more worth getting things sorted before that - good luck and hope you get some closure x

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I hope some of the answers here will help you, as well as time lending a distance to it eventually.
I had twins. They came very early and unexpectedly. They were in the neonatal unit for 13 weeks. I was at home pumping milk for them for most of that time and since I was away from them it all felt unreal. Anyway, what I wanted to say is a bit odd, but I know from MN that I'm not alone in this - because they came so early and I didn't get to bond with them properly I didn't feel that the pregnancy had ended. I reckon it took me about two years to feel that that phase was over. My body still felt pg. Weird, I know. But I did get over it in time and they caught up, were/are happy and healthy, and are now grown up! Best wishes to you.

Sorry to hear you feel this way. Last night I actually had a really strong…not quite flashback…but thought/reminder of a very traumatic situation that happened 12 years ago now. But that’s ptsd for you. I don’t know if it will ever fully go away but heard good things about emdr as a previous poster mentioned here.

I also think I have some ptsd from my second pregnancy which was also during lockdown, like yours.

I wasn’t listened to AT ALL in my second pregnancy. And my first labour I had the exact same as you - utter denial I was in “active labour” then a sudden freak out when they realised I actually was - I vaguely remember mumsnet running a survey on whether women had felt listened to dying their pregnancies as it seems so many don’t.

the thing is I think it’s easy to question ourselves and think well I was hormonal and pregnant so maybe they did listen but i didn’t explain properly or something. But I know 100% I wasn’t listened to because my husband was there begging for them to listen too and they point blank turned him away and told him I was just freaking out BECAUSE I was hormonal and pregnant.

did see a big change in the years between my pregnancies though. The newer midwives seem more “holistic” and patient led in their approach. Long may it continue!

good luck op. Congrats on your busy toddler!

During not dying 🙄

PTSD from the birth most definitely I had it with my first and my second labour was awful too , it really can play on your even in years to come. Please keep talking about it if you need to, don't feel like you have to apologise for what you experienced, sending you hugs , I had forceps on my first and it felt like the feeling when having a tooth pulled I can clearly remember the doctors face shaking with the effort of him pulling my babies head , I thought her head would come off I was terrified

YANBU at all how you feel is how you feel! I was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years after my son was born my experience was also horrendous. After time I began to realise I had to accept what happened - we both almost died & I wasn’t/didn’t have a picture perfect pregnancy or birth (many women don’t). It’s ok to feel like that the flashbacks ease it’s now 17.5 years since that experience we actually told ds on his 16th birthday what happened (we had no baby photos until 3 or 4 months old in our house).
it gets easier I promise

I was TOLD I was having an epidural when I was having forceps because I wasn't progressing after several hours of pushing. I can't even imaging having forceps without one! I was also injected with something for pain although it was all a blur by that point, and given a shot of something to stop me being sick. Even with all that I'm still totally traumatised by the birth I had. Sounds horrendous for you x

@applebee33 see the thing is with talking about it, I just feel like I sound like a broken record and that people think I should be over it by now. But talking definitely helps, so maybe I should seek some kind of professional help. I actually don’t remember anything other than the feeling of DS being ‘ripped’ out of me, I don’t remember the forceps being put in, don’t remember seeing the doctor pulling, don’t remember DS being born. I guess I’ve blocked it out. Which makes me feel sad in a way, that I can’t remember the most important day of my life. To start with I used to feel like it was the worst day of my life, which is just awful. Now I feel like it was the best day of my life, despite what happened, so I have come a long way with things, but that doesn’t stop me having flashbacks and feeling desperately sad about it all too. Forceps are just brutal aren’t they!

@miniegg3 i thought it was routine to give an epidural for forceps, so absolutely no idea why I wasn’t even offered one. I sort of remember discussing something to stop me being sick but decided against it, not sure why.

@Kidsaregrim can I ask if it’s normal to not have an epidural for forceps? And if so, how a decision would be made by a midwife to encourage an epidural or not, as as mini egg has said above, she was told she had to have an epidural, whereas I wasn’t even offered one. I do remember reading on the NHS website about a forceps delivery and I’m sure it says something about having an epidural. I’ll see if I can find it now.

@Kidsaregrim hmm I think I misremembered about the NHS page regarding forceps as it just says about the injection numb the perineum and that that’s given when you haven’t had an epidural, and so I had this injection, but I wasn’t offered anything else, not even gas and air.

I feel like this 9 yrs later.