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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need to know if I've been oversensitive

98 replies

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:10

Have put a watered-down version of this story on MN before but it was too watered-down looking back on it so am tryjng again.

So the background story is my mum died when I was 15 and I think since then I have been trying to build quality relationships with older female relatives, I think unconsciously, but I have been doing this nonetheless. Certainly to begin with there seemed to be lots of attention from others.

A divorced aunt of mine who had lost a daughter, but who now lives in Germany, and I struck up an email and phone friendship, we would talk for an hour or so once a week, would facetime sometimes etc. I knew she was lonely but she felt a duty of care to live in Germany to look after her ageing and unwell father.

In January I went to see my aunt in Germany, from the UK, for her birthday. She wanted some company for her birthday and to go out and do some fun things, aunt got a carer in for a few days to nurse her father, all good. We went to stay in a hotel for a few days. Initially the plan was to stay at aunt's house but aunt decided to pay for a hotel, wouldn't take money from me. I paid for my flights of course and bought gifts for aunt's birthday. Trip cost me about £400 in all.

On aunt's birthday I gave her the jewellery I had bought her in the UK, also paid for two big meals at the hotel. Happy to be generous but sort of felt j had done my bit, especially as aunt had paid for the hotel. All okay I thought.

Got back to the UK and my birthday is at the end of January. Aunt sent me a cheque for £20 for my birthday. That's nice I thought but then in early February she asked for a charity donation to her marathon she was doing. Said needed a donation by a certain date. Bearing in mind i had just spent out on the trip I didn't have a lot of spare money but said i would contribute if I could. Deadline went passed for donating and aunt sent me a message saying I had missed the deadline for donating and then a third message about not donating a couple of days later. So now I am feeling as though aunt feels I am behaving badly or not being kind by not donating? But for me it was an economic decision. Because I felt that aunt's relationship was important I sent my birthday cheque from aunt back to her for a donatio . She sent me a message thanking me for the donation but the sotuation has left me feeling quite upset and weird.. And angry. Does my responsd make sense and am I being oversensitive?

Tia x

OP posts:

Suzannargh · 22/04/2023 09:12

Just say “sorry I can’t afford to donate as X and Y.”

Your familial relationship doesn’t depend on money.

notsayingmuch · 22/04/2023 09:17

I think when people do a marathon for a charity they get too tangled up with the amount they raise and their self-worth. Almost as if the money they raise can be a measure of how good they are as a person. This is her 'thing' and nothing to do with you. Just mentally hand that all back to her and continue to build your relationship as you normally would do.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2023 09:21

Donations are voluntary. I never donate to people's charity begging. I choose the charities I want to support myself.

Your aunt is being a dick. Chalk it up and move on.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:40

Thanks for your response

Well this is the thing.

Aunt knows I already do a lot for sexual assault campaigning and has always said she doesn't want to hear about it, doesn't want to get involved. Yet when it waspuh about her marathon run it felt as though she was at the same time being pushy and judgemental. When aunt had told me She couldn't support me with my sexual assauwanted to see iflt campaigning work, I never mentioned it again.

Unfortunately it has changed the relationship because I feel weird.

Just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:41

Sorry for formatting and typos!!! Mm keeps creating a lot of blank spaces and jumblingup my posts!!

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 22/04/2023 09:43

You should have just said that you can’t afford to donate, and wish her well with it.
And she’s a dick for pushing it.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2023 09:46

No @Feenix33 you're not being unreasonable.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:52

Thanks @CornishGem1975 it just feels weird now as can't be close wirh someone who can make me feel like that I suppose. It was the guilt tripping and judgement that did it for me .

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:53

After making all the effort for her birthday!

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 22/04/2023 09:54

I can't be doing with the marathon fundraising thing. I'm a runner but have never fundraised for races although lots of my running friends do so this comes up often.

A lot of the time people want to run a marathon but can't get a place so run for charity. Those charity places require the runner to raise significant amounts (thousands if it's something like London) in order to keep the place. So then people put the pressure on their friends and families to essentially fund the marathon for them. It's great to raise money obviously but that's not really the motivation for a lot of people, and if it was, they could pay all or part of the fundraising requirement amount themselves.

Anyway, that's by the by, it just annoys me. It's absolutely fine not to donate abs shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship. Unless your aunt is a monster then she surely doesn't view the relationship as a transactional thing either, so I wouldn't worry about saying you couldn't afford to donate. Or actually saying nothing, donating is voluntary and nobody's business anyway.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:56

Mistermagpie aunt was very put out I didn't donate and asked three times so I ended up returning my birthday gift from her £20 cheque.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:59

Sorry to dripfeed - aunt asked for a £20 donation to make it up to a certain amount. It was the same amount she had sent me for my birthday so I sent the cheque back.

OP posts:

Wherewithout · 22/04/2023 10:06

Did you actually send the cheque back to her or just send her a £20 donation which you have essentially used her £20 cheque for.

Isheabastard · 22/04/2023 10:10

She either doesn’t know or understand boundaries.

If she treats everyone the same way she has treated you then that’s the reason she feels lonely.

Most people would only suggest the donation once, and then leave it.

Most people wouldn’t be as blunt as she was about not wanting to talk about your campaigning work.

She has just shot herself in the foot by guilt tripping you. I agree you made a big effort on her birthday and you were ready to be a friend.

I don’t think you are being over sensitive, though there will always be a few people who wouldn’t be much bothered by this. Just do whatever your gut instinct tells you is right.

PriOn1 · 22/04/2023 10:11

Sounds sad OP: you were hoping for maternalistic behaviour from her, but instead she has behaved a little selfishly, with not much consideration for your (financial) situation. Unfortunately it’s easy to be let down when you have built up an image of people in your head that is based on what you want and not on who they really are. I should think it happens to all of us, from time to time. There’s not much you can do though, other than pick yourself up and move on. You now have a different understanding of who she is and only you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship with the new parameters, or let it go.

Yoyooo · 22/04/2023 10:14

It probably would have been a little less passive aggressive if you had just sent her the £20 instead of returning the check.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:17

I wasn't bothered about being seen as passive aggressive after being asked three times for a donation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:18

@PriOn1 I do feel sad about it tbh but think maybe I was looking for a replacement mum and have realised that I'm never going to find one!! So maybe sad about my mum too.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2023 10:19

I can't be doing with the marathon fundraising thing. I'm a runner but have never fundraised for races although lots of my running friends do so this comes up often.

@mistermagpie My DH is a marathon runner and never does it for charity because he hates heaping pressure on people to donate.

Thesheerrelief · 22/04/2023 10:21

Sending the cheque back feels strange and a bit passive aggressive. I can see how you feel pressure to donate and think she shouldn't have kept pushing it. She should have accepted your initial answer.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 10:22

I think you're wanting your aunt to be someone she's not.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/04/2023 10:26

I think she’s being an idiot but you are overthinking and taking it too much to heart. Some people are just pushy, you have to set boundaries.

Next time just say I can’t afford to donate but best of luck and follow up with a text to see how it went.

ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2023 10:33

It reads as if you've approached the relationship with an agenda - you've worked that out for yourself anyway. You went overboard IMO on your aunt's birthday then resented that the effort wasn't replicated for yours. Just tone it down. The cheque for your birthday shows the level she's at with your relationship. Not giving her £20 for her marathon was petty. It's really hard to judge these relationships, I think, when you're missing your mum and craving family. I do sympathise. But in my experience you're better finding a way to enjoy happy memories of your mum and expect a great deal less from other family members.

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 10:35

I think building quality relationships involves, to a degree, accepting the other person for who they are.

Your Aunt was pushy about the donation. That's who she is. It doesn't seem to be a massive character flaw, to me. Especially as you're wanting to build quality relationships.

People aren't perfect

And if you ACTUALLY sent the birthday present cheque back, in lieu of a donation -- that's awful, imo. And really unnecessary

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:44

Sending the cheque back was because my aunt was asking for pretty much the same amount as the cheque was for. So easier for me to just send it back than destroy and write a new one.

I think the situation had made me realise how much I miss my mum tbh and it has made me see how much I was trying to create strong female relatonships in my family not insteaod of my mum but Obviously knowing Mt mum is ni longer around.

Probably have taken it to heart but it was more the attitude from the aunt that has upset me. Amd the fact she felt she could give me that attitude and that i would just accept it if that makes sense it was upsetting after making such an effort to visit etc. Will chalk this up to experience but sadly it does make me feel nervous about being close to aunt now.

OP posts:

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