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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need to know if I've been oversensitive

98 replies

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:10

Have put a watered-down version of this story on MN before but it was too watered-down looking back on it so am tryjng again.

So the background story is my mum died when I was 15 and I think since then I have been trying to build quality relationships with older female relatives, I think unconsciously, but I have been doing this nonetheless. Certainly to begin with there seemed to be lots of attention from others.

A divorced aunt of mine who had lost a daughter, but who now lives in Germany, and I struck up an email and phone friendship, we would talk for an hour or so once a week, would facetime sometimes etc. I knew she was lonely but she felt a duty of care to live in Germany to look after her ageing and unwell father.

In January I went to see my aunt in Germany, from the UK, for her birthday. She wanted some company for her birthday and to go out and do some fun things, aunt got a carer in for a few days to nurse her father, all good. We went to stay in a hotel for a few days. Initially the plan was to stay at aunt's house but aunt decided to pay for a hotel, wouldn't take money from me. I paid for my flights of course and bought gifts for aunt's birthday. Trip cost me about £400 in all.

On aunt's birthday I gave her the jewellery I had bought her in the UK, also paid for two big meals at the hotel. Happy to be generous but sort of felt j had done my bit, especially as aunt had paid for the hotel. All okay I thought.

Got back to the UK and my birthday is at the end of January. Aunt sent me a cheque for £20 for my birthday. That's nice I thought but then in early February she asked for a charity donation to her marathon she was doing. Said needed a donation by a certain date. Bearing in mind i had just spent out on the trip I didn't have a lot of spare money but said i would contribute if I could. Deadline went passed for donating and aunt sent me a message saying I had missed the deadline for donating and then a third message about not donating a couple of days later. So now I am feeling as though aunt feels I am behaving badly or not being kind by not donating? But for me it was an economic decision. Because I felt that aunt's relationship was important I sent my birthday cheque from aunt back to her for a donatio . She sent me a message thanking me for the donation but the sotuation has left me feeling quite upset and weird.. And angry. Does my responsd make sense and am I being oversensitive?

Tia x

OP posts:

literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:18

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:15

@literalviolence I think saying I don't think I could donate should have been enough.

Possibly but don't think is not as clear as can't. No ynbu to find that pushy and ynbu to think you should not be required to donate even though your aunt spent a lot of money on you. I do think 'I can't donate' is a clearer message and it's one you can reiterate when people are being pushy.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:27

Thanks @literalviolence

I am going to take these suggestions on board for the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:28

Think I need grief counselling and to stop looking for deep relationships within my family! If they happen they happen. Thanks all.

OP posts:

ShowUs · 22/04/2023 12:36

Did you say in very clear words that you cannot afford to donate anything due to the cost of going to see her and therefore you will not be donating anything?

If not then YABU.

You can’t expect her to be a mind reader and some people have no idea that £20 is a lot of money to most people.

Her running a marathon is also very difficult than speaking about sexual assault victims.

I feel so sorry for you as you just want to be loved and have a close family support system but you are being over sensitive.

Have you thought about moving to be closer to her?

CantFindTheBeat · 22/04/2023 12:36

I think your aunt probably needs grief counselling, too. How awful to have lost her daughter.

It could be that's she's interacting with you as she would a daughter - i.e., being more blunt or demanding than you would be with someone else.

I do think you sending the cheque back was a bit odd - going to the effort of posting it to Germany. You could have just told her you wouldn't cash it.

Also I wonder if culture plays a part? I know she's not German but maybe living there for so long has rubbed off? I have German colleagues and they are far more blunt than my UK ones. Sometimes it's hard not be irked when they call us out on various things that us Brits would definitely let slide!

gettingolderandgrumpier · 22/04/2023 12:46

I think your overthinking it , you should have said o can’t afford to donate not I will donate if I can . The birthday and holiday is all irrelevant how is she to know your finances if you don’t say anything.
if I’m raising money for a charity I would like it if family and friends donated but I wouldn’t push it but I’d wonder . If I was told look I can’t afford at the minute I’d understand. If you are close be honest .
saying that those just giving sites are usually set up for a while so I find it strange about the deadline.

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 12:59

It sounds a bit like you're both looking for too much from the other person.

As you were generous on your trip, Daunt maybe thinks you have more disposable income than you do.

Maybe she has a high target to reach for her marathon charity place and regrets spending so much money on her trip as friends and family have not donated as much as she had hoped.

I'd let the marathon and some time pass, and try and re establish your relationship and in future take anything involving money out of the equation.

Also thinking about it giving a birthday cheque is an odd gesture to give to an adult, you would only generally do it with an adult DC, so I do think somehow the relationship has got a bit muddled.

ashitghost · 22/04/2023 13:04

I did the same as you OP, when my mum died. But not family, but women in groups I attend or know through my work etc etc

I’m sorry that this relationship has taken a really disappointing turn.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 13:04

It was the sort of feeling like I was being told off that I found upsetting . I felt that I'd already done quite a lot in the January.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 13:05

YANBU and she is being grabby. It may be charitable but you have no obligation to do this.

You could perhaps have managed the diplomacy better by just saying you couldn’t afford it.

But ultimately she has no right to do this.

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 22/04/2023 13:05

I might be misreading the post because I can’t really see what aunt did wrong.

The only issues were:

She didn’t spend as much on your birthday as you did on hers
She chased you a couple of times to donate.

Am I right? Or am I missing something.

I think to send back her cheque is petty and as though you’re throwing a strop. Your expectations for her were high, and you feel disappointed, but doesn’t necessarily mean she’s done anything wrong. Sending back the check, however, that was a dick move.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 13:07

@ashitghost ah so you understand.

Just wish my mum was still here!! We understood each other so well! It's the realisation that that was a one off!! I think it's hit me with this situation if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 13:10

@MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory no that's not what the issue is.

The issue is I'd gone to see someone and made what I felt was a decent effort and then when I get back their tone let me know that I hadn't done enough / wasn't enough I guess!! That's sort of how it felt.

OP posts:

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 22/04/2023 13:13

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 13:10

@MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory no that's not what the issue is.

On what basis though? Because she chased you for a donation?

I’m not trying to be devil’s advocate, I’m just trying to understand the issue.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 13:14

It was the tone. Hard to explain here.

And the persistremt requests.

OP posts:

BeverlyBrook · 22/04/2023 14:05

UANBU
she was out of line
So sorry for your loss, it must be so difficult

Whatthefnow · 22/04/2023 14:12

I think you were rude and childish to send the cheque back.

Your aunt was unreasonable for being pushy.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 14:16

Sending the cheque back was because that was the amount she wanted me to send a cheque for! The amount I'd been asked for. So logically easier to send it back than write another one out.

I felt funny cashing it anyway because I was being asked for money.

Hope that makes sense now?

Thank you Beverly that is my gut feeling too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 14:26

Sorry meant @BeverlyBrook

OP posts:

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 22/04/2023 14:39

Hmm I think you need to be honest with yourself OP. Sending the cheque back was a shitty move and really not appropriate. You know very well your aunt was asking for a donation from you, not for you to send the cheque back to her. It was not about being easier, but because you wanted to make a point.

Whatthefnow · 22/04/2023 14:46

It's not difficult to write out another cheque. You knew what you were doing. I'd just forget about it and move on.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 14:49

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:53

After making all the effort for her birthday!

I think I’d stop the visits and the effort on her birthday.

DinaofCloud9 · 22/04/2023 14:50

I do think you were unreasonable sending the cheque back. It comes across as petty and passive aggressive.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 14:52

The aunt was aggressive chasing the donation three times.

Why should OP go to all the effort of cashing aunt’s cheque and sending her a new one?

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 14:54

I'm forgetting about it and moving on, for sure.

I wouldn't have sent the cheque back if I didn't feel my aunt had been unreasonable, no.

but it was also for the amount she asked for so yep i sent it back.

I suppose there was a part of me that felt miffed aunt had asked for in sponsorship the same amount she had written a cheque for me for my birthday, if that makes sense.

It's just a bit sad and odd really. I really did use to speak to aunt once a week on Thursday nights... So feels like another loss!! Maybe I'm just too sensitive.... I don't know. Maybe I expect too much.

OP posts:

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