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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need to know if I've been oversensitive

98 replies

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:10

Have put a watered-down version of this story on MN before but it was too watered-down looking back on it so am tryjng again.

So the background story is my mum died when I was 15 and I think since then I have been trying to build quality relationships with older female relatives, I think unconsciously, but I have been doing this nonetheless. Certainly to begin with there seemed to be lots of attention from others.

A divorced aunt of mine who had lost a daughter, but who now lives in Germany, and I struck up an email and phone friendship, we would talk for an hour or so once a week, would facetime sometimes etc. I knew she was lonely but she felt a duty of care to live in Germany to look after her ageing and unwell father.

In January I went to see my aunt in Germany, from the UK, for her birthday. She wanted some company for her birthday and to go out and do some fun things, aunt got a carer in for a few days to nurse her father, all good. We went to stay in a hotel for a few days. Initially the plan was to stay at aunt's house but aunt decided to pay for a hotel, wouldn't take money from me. I paid for my flights of course and bought gifts for aunt's birthday. Trip cost me about £400 in all.

On aunt's birthday I gave her the jewellery I had bought her in the UK, also paid for two big meals at the hotel. Happy to be generous but sort of felt j had done my bit, especially as aunt had paid for the hotel. All okay I thought.

Got back to the UK and my birthday is at the end of January. Aunt sent me a cheque for £20 for my birthday. That's nice I thought but then in early February she asked for a charity donation to her marathon she was doing. Said needed a donation by a certain date. Bearing in mind i had just spent out on the trip I didn't have a lot of spare money but said i would contribute if I could. Deadline went passed for donating and aunt sent me a message saying I had missed the deadline for donating and then a third message about not donating a couple of days later. So now I am feeling as though aunt feels I am behaving badly or not being kind by not donating? But for me it was an economic decision. Because I felt that aunt's relationship was important I sent my birthday cheque from aunt back to her for a donatio . She sent me a message thanking me for the donation but the sotuation has left me feeling quite upset and weird.. And angry. Does my responsd make sense and am I being oversensitive?

Tia x

OP posts:

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/04/2023 14:55

I’ve previously read a very similar post about 6 months ago but the aunt lived in Scotland. And I think the cheque that was sent back was for £25.

Floribundaflummery · 22/04/2023 14:58

YANBU. I hate being asked for donations all the time and when I can manage to be assertive say that we have chosen the charities we want to give to but sometimes its awkward. I wish people would just give their own money when they want to support something and let us use ours as we think right.

Your aunt sounds pushy and insensitive. The relationship you hoped for isn’t the reality so maybe best to accept it at a different level, work on processing your grief for your DM and be open to deepening friendships with people as you get to know them slowly. So sorry for your loss. Must be so hard OP.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 14:59

Thanks @Floribundaflummery

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:03

Honestly it has been stressful because I felt the relationship was different and now I just feel stupid tbh lols.... the grief for my mum is probably the key to turn in moving on from this and not getting so upset or hoping for deep bonds where they are not!

Agree re charity donations either let people give to their own charities or if you are expecting them to donate to yours, support theirs in return!

OP posts:

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 22/04/2023 15:04

I do think you’re being oversensitive, but it’s understandable in the circumstances when you are still grieving your mum. It doesn’t sound like your aunt is being deliberately difficult, I mean she booked a hotel for your stay as a surprise so it doesn’t sound like she’s super tight or obstructive. I think it’s more of a case of different expectations.

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 22/04/2023 15:05

Agree re charity donations either let people give to their own charities or if you are expecting them to donate to yours, support theirs in return!

But donating to a marathon runner is very very different to listening to someone talk about their work with a sexual assault charity.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:07

I disagree Maria.

No one should be pushed into supporting someone else if they don't want to. In any way. Whatever the cAuse.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2023 15:13

I think it’s fine you sent the cheque back. Why the hell not. There was a weird charge in her pushiness, an undercurrent, so I think sending the cheque back was perfectly ok. And I’m glad you did because in a way you’re pushing back and not being compliant.

Sorry for your loss OP

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:20

Thanks @AtrociousCircumstance

I was pissed off by that point tbh!

OP posts:

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/04/2023 15:29

I think she was pushy and that's annoying but you are reading too much into it.

I lost my dad young too, but I also recognize that your aunt losing her daughter must be unbearable. I can't imagine her pain. Plus caring for her Dad.

I think it's all unfortunate but don't let it his sour a positive relationship.

She is probably really proud of herself for doing a marathon (rightfully so) and got carried away.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 💐

Felicity42 · 22/04/2023 15:36

It feels to you that you were compelled to go because she 'needed' saving from her lonely feelings.

Notice your compulsion to need to rescue people.

Because the downside of that urge results in you giving more of your own resources than you have to offer.

This leads to a feeling of being used and taken advantage of.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:37

@Felicity42 thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:39

I'm starting to realise this is a pattern of mine - to try and stop people feeling sad and lonely as I have since mum passed away. You are right I give more than I get and it feels imbalanced.

Do you know how I can Stop doing this??

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:41

When my aunt said I have no one here to share my birthday with can you come for x number of days I did feel i should go to keep her company yes.

OP posts:

BeverlyBrook · 22/04/2023 15:43

To a request or invitation you say thanks for the invite I'll check and let you know.

Don't need to say any more

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:51

Yes you are right.

It can lead to hurt and upset otherwise as you are expecting the other person to give what you give or yo see friendship in a similar way and invariably they don't in my experience.

Also mum was really lovely and giving not just to me her . daughter but to everyone.... seem to get shown so often that mum was special in that way!

OP posts:

Mamette · 22/04/2023 15:58

OP I have seen my younger cousin attempt to forge a relationship with my mother in a similar circumstance (her own mum died when she was about 12). She is now much older but recently she and my M have spent time together.

The thing is that my mother is doing it to meet her own needs. Not my cousin’s. It’s not working out and I can see the dysfunction but don’t want to interfere.

I don’t know if two hurting people can help each other. I’m sorry if that’s blunt.

Maybe row your expectations of your aunt right back. Don’t put yourself out to the extent you have been in the hope you will receive something back. Just suit yourself and see if a relationship evolves. Good luck 💐

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 15:59

@Mamette

Yes

OP posts:

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 16:02

This is it I think at the core... My aunt and I have both been through a lot and I think maybe we have put too much on each other and it has broken the back of it...

Sort of regret going to Germany in January because it seemed to work better online / with weekly calls. Now it feels awkward because I have stopped those weekly calls as it became something that to me felt uncomfortable.

OP posts:

GaspingGekko · 22/04/2023 16:05

OP, just a thought about the repeated requests. Your post isn't clear if your aunt is German herself, but at the very least she lives there full time and is communicatingwith Germans all the time.
Germans are generally very direct communicators. They don't tend to read between the lines. If you tell her you're not sure if you can donate she will most likely take this very literally. She isn't looking for nuance or hints. Try being more direct in future.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 16:10

Also just to say I don't think I was giving just to get something back but I wasn't expecting to be told I wasn't givjgn enough! Which is how I felt re the charity donation for the marathon.

Aunt is half German so can be direct but the post visit messages re the donation felt aggressive and I didn't remember being on the receiving end of that side of her before.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 16:26

What charity is your aunt running for ?
if it's something connected with her DDs death, then she could be taking value of sponsorship too personally.

Original poster

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 17:02

Rookie not to do with her daughter, no.

For cancer research I know my aunt has known women with breast cancer.

OP posts:

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