Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to know if I've been oversensitive

98 replies

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 09:10

Have put a watered-down version of this story on MN before but it was too watered-down looking back on it so am tryjng again.

So the background story is my mum died when I was 15 and I think since then I have been trying to build quality relationships with older female relatives, I think unconsciously, but I have been doing this nonetheless. Certainly to begin with there seemed to be lots of attention from others.

A divorced aunt of mine who had lost a daughter, but who now lives in Germany, and I struck up an email and phone friendship, we would talk for an hour or so once a week, would facetime sometimes etc. I knew she was lonely but she felt a duty of care to live in Germany to look after her ageing and unwell father.

In January I went to see my aunt in Germany, from the UK, for her birthday. She wanted some company for her birthday and to go out and do some fun things, aunt got a carer in for a few days to nurse her father, all good. We went to stay in a hotel for a few days. Initially the plan was to stay at aunt's house but aunt decided to pay for a hotel, wouldn't take money from me. I paid for my flights of course and bought gifts for aunt's birthday. Trip cost me about £400 in all.

On aunt's birthday I gave her the jewellery I had bought her in the UK, also paid for two big meals at the hotel. Happy to be generous but sort of felt j had done my bit, especially as aunt had paid for the hotel. All okay I thought.

Got back to the UK and my birthday is at the end of January. Aunt sent me a cheque for £20 for my birthday. That's nice I thought but then in early February she asked for a charity donation to her marathon she was doing. Said needed a donation by a certain date. Bearing in mind i had just spent out on the trip I didn't have a lot of spare money but said i would contribute if I could. Deadline went passed for donating and aunt sent me a message saying I had missed the deadline for donating and then a third message about not donating a couple of days later. So now I am feeling as though aunt feels I am behaving badly or not being kind by not donating? But for me it was an economic decision. Because I felt that aunt's relationship was important I sent my birthday cheque from aunt back to her for a donatio . She sent me a message thanking me for the donation but the sotuation has left me feeling quite upset and weird.. And angry. Does my responsd make sense and am I being oversensitive?

Tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:45

My mum was irreplaceable!! Probably haven't grieved enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:45

So it's all got a but jumbled up re expectations etc. Also because aunt was lonely I felt she needed a special friend in the family too if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2023 11:21

So you didn't pay in your aunt's birthday cheque, then actually just sent it back to her like it meant nothing? That's not great behaviour, OP. You know it really. Your poor aunt has lost a daughter and is caring for an elderly parent abroad - don't be tough on her or make emotional demands on her. You say you know you've more grieving to do, so be kind to yourself too.

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 11:24

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 10:45

My mum was irreplaceable!! Probably haven't grieved enough.

I think you're right

Get some grief therapy. That'll help you

MrsSquirrel · 22/04/2023 11:40

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 10:22

I think you're wanting your aunt to be someone she's not.

This is the heart of the issue. Your aunt's behaviour wasn't great, but your upset seems way out of proportion to what happened.

Now that you have some understanding, you can decide how you want to continue the relationship. If you don't feel as close to her as you did, it's okay to continue on that basis.

And absolutely give yourself some time and space to grieve for your mum. 💐 It's a lifelong process

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 11:47

Also I think it's that we had built up a friendship over a number of years and I had been there for my aunt when upset about her father being ill etc. I probably felt that I had invested a lot in the friendship and wouldn't have treated her that way. So just a bit upset all round but need to move on now.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 22/04/2023 11:49

I dont quite see what your harping on about birthday for either you gave a nice birthday or you didn't its totally irrelevant to the marathon donation tbh. You made choice to give a nice birthday now your going on about cost hope she doesn't read this I would be devestated. The marathon donation is totally separate and it's your thinking that's over reactive. Wasn't rocket science to either say I can't afford it or to chuck a fiver over end of. Dont spoil the relationship over a silly thing its not worth it.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 11:53

I did say the first time not sure I could afford to donate and still aunt kept asking. Twice more.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2023 11:54

I'm guessing that if she's looking after an elderly parent, she's dealing with a lot of emotional stress and perhaps isolation, and the marathon was perhaps a way to escape that and achieve something for herself? It obviously meant a lot to her.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 11:54

Had just literally spent £400 on the trip to Germany to see her.

OP posts:
Nounoufgs · 22/04/2023 12:01

I would just say “would have loved to donate, can’t afford it right now but let me know in the future. Love xxx”

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:06

@Nounoufgs oun the first time my aunt asked I said i would have a look and wouls donate if I could. Then aunt messaged again saying I had missed the deadline. Then I said not sure I could afford to. Next tine aunt asked for a specific amount £20.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:07

Then j sent cheque back.

OP posts:
literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:07

Passive aggression is always damaging to relationships. It's better to just own your thoughts and reactions. You could have just said you can't afford it or support other charities. I think you need to reflect on why assertiveness is difficult for you. Might it be hard for you to realise that your aunt is imperfect because that is facing the.reality of the fact that she's less tuned it to you than your mum was. I think apologise to your aunt but relate to her as a person in her own right not a replacement mum. It is so hard to lose a mum so thoughts and feelings can get very jumbled.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:09

@literalviolence did you see my two posts just above yours?

OP posts:
literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:10

No. I was writing my post. Do you think that changes things? I'm a bit confused.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:10

If someone had flown out to see me I would have understood they might need to watch their spending for a month or two. It's just about putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

OP posts:
literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:11

Oh you mean you said you don't think you could afford to? I think maybe being clearer could help, e.g. I can't afford it so please don't ask again. Assertive response which is justifiable when someone is being too pushy.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:11

@literalviolence

It shows that I had told Mt aunt I didn't think I could contribute.

OP posts:
literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:13

Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:10

If someone had flown out to see me I would have understood they might need to watch their spending for a month or two. It's just about putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

I don't think that's fair. Sometimes we need to point out others what our situation is and not expect them to guess. I would not go on a trip like that if it took me that low on finances though its not wrong of you to manage your finances differently.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:13

It's the fact aunt had been pushy that has upset me tbh! That's that aibu am I being oversensitive.

If someone said to me 'not sure I donatenate this time' i wouldn't have kept asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:15

@literalviolence I think saying I don't think I could donate should have been enough.

OP posts:
literalviolence · 22/04/2023 12:15

I'm not being very clear. You aunt was pushy and that was not great but passive aggression is always unhelpful even in that context. If your aunt expected this because she paid for the hotel perhaps that's also not OK but you can't change her and it is always better to be upfront in a polite way. Better for everyone I mean. Including you. You did nothing wrong by choosing not to donate though I can see why she might be disappointed by that.

Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:16

I sent the cheque for £20 to donate. But now I feel funny about the dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feenix33 · 22/04/2023 12:17

Aunt seemed delighted I had sent back the birthday cheque.

I sent it because it was the amount au.nt had asked for

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread