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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy sharing

79 replies

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:29

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant. I’m older, was very worried about my fertility and ability to conceive and by miracle, it’s happened!

DH’s sister texts us often in group chat and has been anxious to know how it’s going. After the scan we got into the car and I said I’m going to respond to your DSis. He said ok. As part of the response I included a scan pic.

DH went NUCLEAR. Screaming at me down the motorway how I’d betrayed him, how I was disloyal and how I was not to be trusted for taking the right for him to tell his family about HIS baby from him.

I was stunned and really upset, trembling, crying. I accept his premise, however I said I was replying to which he said nothing and I clearly didn’t intend any malice by sending a pic. Hours later and he’s not talking to me and ignoring me.

I’m very upset and have taken to bed. WIBU to share the pic?

OP posts:
BirthThoughts · 21/04/2023 22:38

Did his family already know about the pregnancy and that the scan was today? If so then this sounds like an enormous overreaction on his part.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:39

@BirthThoughts yes they knew about the pregnancy, when the scan was exactly and I was replying. I am quite scared at how he’s reacted. I don’t know if I’m now overreacting by saying he’s taken all my joy away and now I’m sat wondering wtf have I done with this man.

OP posts:
Miscellaneousme · 21/04/2023 22:42

Be wary. Domestic abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:44

@Miscellaneousme i didn’t know that, how sad. I’m so alarmed by his reaction and calling me callous names for doing something I perceived to be innocent. I accept he may be let down but this is not a proportionate reaction? I also don’t think it’s right to speak to or upset a pregnant woman like that (or any person for that matter). Im stunned.

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 22:44

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant.

No, you didn’t. Because you are not both pregnant. So there is no “we” are pregnant.

BirthThoughts · 21/04/2023 22:45

Oh OP, replying with a scan pic in that context sounds like a completely reasonable thing to do. As the poster above says domestic abuse can start in pregnancy. Feeling scared by that kind of reaction is reasonable and normal.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2023 22:46

What you did sounds quite reasonable.

His reaction sounds very worrying. And PPs have said, abuse often starts when a woman is pregnant.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:46

He keeps saying how I’ve denied him the right to share the pic of HIS baby with HIS family. He’s so hung up on it and holding so much anger and hate for me.

OP posts:
IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 22:47

Yeah this would really really worry me. I would be thinking about possible escape plans tbh. Even just a little hidden fund pot or something. His reaction is not normal or okay.

IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 22:48

Op can you leave for the night and go stay with friends/family?

BirthThoughts · 21/04/2023 22:49

How long have you been together? Has he ever behaved like this at all before?

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/04/2023 22:49

He’s a fruitcake. Do you have family support?

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:50

Thank you @IrregularChoiceFan. I do feel this way. I’m so upset this has happened. There was a similar situation last year which I overlooked. We were travelling and his DSis sent a message to our group chat asking what city next. I replied and DH hit the roof saying it was his job to tell his family (why have the group chat then??) then he proceeded to drive away from the city I really wanted to visit to “punish” me. We eventually went. But his anger was terrifying. I’m a fool, aren’t I.

OP posts:
AspiringMermaid · 21/04/2023 22:50

What the fuck. Op your husband sounds unhinged. I would be very disturbed, you were surprised so he is not normally like this?

I think when everything has settled and he is talking to you again, and isn't hungry or tired etc. Have a heart to heart with him and try to get to the bottom of this behaviour

googledidnthelp · 21/04/2023 22:51

How he has reacted is completely unacceptable. However I do understand that he may have been upset or disappointed if you didn't make it clear you were sending the scan pic.

He probably was feeling very proud and excited to share it with them.

Again I fully agree he has acted out of proportion and if this is out of character really try and get to the bottom of it. If it isn't out of character the definitely question what you've done with him!

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:51

I’m not in the UK sadly and have no friends or family here. I’m so isolated and have no one to talk to or call. My family aren’t great tbh. I think it’s impaired my judgement relationship wise.

Together 5 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:52

@googledidnthelp i do accept that he may be upset about the pic and that was an oversight on my behalf. I said I was replying to his DSis and he said ok. He didn’t say not to send the pic, nor did I say I would to be fair. Whilst I accept potential disappointment, I just didn’t feel the reaction proportionate.

I apologised outlining this, but he doesn’t think I’m “sorry enough”

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:53

@AspiringMermaid according to him I’ve ruined everything, I’m a bad wife and he regrets the baby.

OP posts:
00100001 · 21/04/2023 22:54

He's a cunt.

It won't get better,it will get worse.

He'll be shouting at your telling others it's a boy/girl...when they first smile, talk, walk etc you'll be on eggshells wondering if you're "allowed" to do anything...

Leave him sooner rather than later.

P

IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 22:54

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:50

Thank you @IrregularChoiceFan. I do feel this way. I’m so upset this has happened. There was a similar situation last year which I overlooked. We were travelling and his DSis sent a message to our group chat asking what city next. I replied and DH hit the roof saying it was his job to tell his family (why have the group chat then??) then he proceeded to drive away from the city I really wanted to visit to “punish” me. We eventually went. But his anger was terrifying. I’m a fool, aren’t I.

Jesus! That's quite scary. I don't think you're a fool, I think you just want to see the best in the man you love so have overlooked a few red flags.

My advice would be to get back to England, and seek help from a womans aid charity. Where are you?

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:55

Don’t want to say where I am as too outing, but a long way from the UK without an easy transit plan. Also issues with me getting out of the country as carrying his child I reckon.

OP posts:
Riceball · 21/04/2023 22:56

It’s much easier to leave now OP. While it’s just you- no baby/ children to consider.

jellybe · 21/04/2023 22:56

OP he is clearly showing who he is and as others have said domestic abuse can start when pregnant. If you have just had your 12 wk scan you have time to leave before baby is born. As you're not in the UK leaving once the baby is here will be so much harder as he can get legal intervention in place.

Leave now and don't let him continue to treat you like this.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:56

@Riceball but there is a baby to consider. I gave up work to come here. I’ve no income. I can’t just leave without being smart or I’ll be destitute with a baby.

OP posts:
IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 22:57

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:55

Don’t want to say where I am as too outing, but a long way from the UK without an easy transit plan. Also issues with me getting out of the country as carrying his child I reckon.

I did think that might be the case. I really don't know what I would do in your situation, I'm really sorry OP. I really hope you are okay and can get away from him. This will only get worse 💐