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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy sharing

79 replies

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:29

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant. I’m older, was very worried about my fertility and ability to conceive and by miracle, it’s happened!

DH’s sister texts us often in group chat and has been anxious to know how it’s going. After the scan we got into the car and I said I’m going to respond to your DSis. He said ok. As part of the response I included a scan pic.

DH went NUCLEAR. Screaming at me down the motorway how I’d betrayed him, how I was disloyal and how I was not to be trusted for taking the right for him to tell his family about HIS baby from him.

I was stunned and really upset, trembling, crying. I accept his premise, however I said I was replying to which he said nothing and I clearly didn’t intend any malice by sending a pic. Hours later and he’s not talking to me and ignoring me.

I’m very upset and have taken to bed. WIBU to share the pic?

OP posts:
jellybe · 21/04/2023 22:58

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:56

@Riceball but there is a baby to consider. I gave up work to come here. I’ve no income. I can’t just leave without being smart or I’ll be destitute with a baby.

Better to be destitute with your baby then your child seeing their father abuse their mother.

Is there something like women's aid in the country you are in? There are options for you. They won't be easy but they will be better than you staying with an abusive arse.

MMMarmite · 21/04/2023 23:06

This is abuse, and it's ramping up now that he thinks you are trapped 🙁

I'd do everything possible to get back to the uk before the baby is due. Depends on the country, but there may be legal issues with leaving the country once the baby is born.

Anaemiafog · 21/04/2023 23:06

Please don’t wait until the baby is born. You’re far better off leaving now if that’s what you decide. His behaviour is unhinged.

Bloopsie · 21/04/2023 23:06

That is worrying reaction,it is completely normal
to attatch a scan photo especially when talking to relatives/family, what difference does it
make if you or him pushed the send button.

I agree with others above, think about yours and your childs safety, you can leave the country no problems right no, different story in third trimester.

MMMarmite · 21/04/2023 23:08

Do you have friends you can speak to? I would definitely want to help if any of my friends were in your situation.

AspiringMermaid · 21/04/2023 23:08

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:53

@AspiringMermaid according to him I’ve ruined everything, I’m a bad wife and he regrets the baby.

Your husband is so abusive. I'm sorry sounds like a terribly hard and stressful situation. As others have said, destitute with baby (move back to UK claim benefits?) Is better than you, and probably your child being abused by this man.

Also with the legality of leaving the country while pregnant, surely if you secretly buy a ticket and just leave, once your in the UK what can he do? Please contact women's refuges and seek advice. Sending love 💕

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 23:09

I have no where I can go when I land in the UK or call. I’ve no friends or family I trust.

OP posts:
IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 23:13

You can call a womans aid charity, it will be much better than risking your child be born into a house with an abusive father.

jellybe · 21/04/2023 23:14

Do you know anyone in the UK? Even old work mates? If I knew you even slightly and you contacted me explaining this situation I would do what I could to help you, find support from woman's aid/ refuge etc. being back in this country will be better in the long run rather than putting up with his abuse.

Saoirse82 · 21/04/2023 23:19

jellybe · 21/04/2023 23:14

Do you know anyone in the UK? Even old work mates? If I knew you even slightly and you contacted me explaining this situation I would do what I could to help you, find support from woman's aid/ refuge etc. being back in this country will be better in the long run rather than putting up with his abuse.

This 100%.

I'd do this for even a vague acquaintance. Or a stranger!

Please, please don't leave it too late to get out.

WaltzingWaters · 21/04/2023 23:22

A very worrying reaction. Most men wouldn’t really care about that (when their family already knew about the pregnancy of course), and even if they did, they of course should not react this way.

Getting out now before the baby is born is best. Once the baby is here it would be very difficult. Scary but much better than the alternative, as others have said, domestic abuse often starts during pregnancy.

Mumma · 21/04/2023 23:26

Book a flight and book an air b and b for a month. A small flat somewhere rural will be cheap. Then call womens aid for support fleeing domestic abuse

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 23:31

He sounds abusive. Time to leave is now before baby born. Having a baby in some countries will tie you there. Get advice quickly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2023 23:31

Get yourself to the UK. You need to leave now when you are still pregnant rather than once you have the baby, if it’s the sort of country it sounds like.

I agree with a PP, hire an air bnb or anything for a month and call women’s aid.

Replitad · 21/04/2023 23:40

You must get back to the UK while you're still early on in pregnancy. You won't be able to leave if you leave it too late and then you'll be stuck with this abusive man forever.

Please try to leave ASAP.

Opine · 21/04/2023 23:47

If you are somewhere where children legally belong to the father then you need to leave asap. Not immediately so that he has any suspicion and tries to stop you but as soon as you possibly can.
If need be you ask him to come with you. You both fly over and as soon as you land, if he is not British himself, you can tell someone at customs you are fleeing domestic violence. You could contact UK police for advice. I’m sure they would liaise with the British embassy to get you home if you don’t have the means. Everything changes once your baby is born. You cannot wait until then.

Having a first scan, especially for a first baby, is magical. If immediately after that your DH turned on you this is very very serious. He should have felt a new level of affection for you but instead he regrets the baby. Please please get out. You may not have anyone but you are someone’s mother now and you have to do everything in your power to keep you both safe. One can only guess what kind of father he’s going to be.

I’m sorry OP. Really hope you are ok.

unicornflakegirl · 21/04/2023 23:49

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:56

@Riceball but there is a baby to consider. I gave up work to come here. I’ve no income. I can’t just leave without being smart or I’ll be destitute with a baby.

OP it will be so much harder to leave after a baby has been born. In lots of ways but legally you can't just take children away so get out now, make a plan in secret. If you would be destitute in the UK, then it sounds like you could also be destitute and trapped wherever you are.
At least in the UK you could make a life for yourself and your baby. A financially poor life initially but not living in fear.

Remagirl · 21/04/2023 23:55

You can't bring a baby into a relationship with him. He's fucked in the head. You need to leave and go it alone. Be careful how you do it though he sounds unhinged.

TheShellBeach · 22/04/2023 00:19

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:52

@googledidnthelp i do accept that he may be upset about the pic and that was an oversight on my behalf. I said I was replying to his DSis and he said ok. He didn’t say not to send the pic, nor did I say I would to be fair. Whilst I accept potential disappointment, I just didn’t feel the reaction proportionate.

I apologised outlining this, but he doesn’t think I’m “sorry enough”

Not sorry enough?
Oh honey, that's so cruel and abusive.
My ex ramped up his abuse when I was pregnant and punched me in the abdomen.
Is there any way you can leave safely? It'll be easier to leave now, before you have the baby. Once it's born it's far more difficult and complicated.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
I do feel you're putting yourself in danger if you stay.

Riceball · 22/04/2023 10:14

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:56

@Riceball but there is a baby to consider. I gave up work to come here. I’ve no income. I can’t just leave without being smart or I’ll be destitute with a baby.

What I meant is that logistically there is only one to consider right now. Packing for one, tickets for one, passport for one. Just one person to walk out of the door at any time they please. Good luck Flowers

red78hot · 22/04/2023 10:18

It'd be a bye bye from me!

Greengreengrass231 · 22/04/2023 10:37

He sounds like a controlling ass hole and is treating you very very unfairly. If it were me I would definitely want a serious attitude adjustment from him before baby is born.
he might have ruined what should have been a very special day but I won’t. Congratulations to you on your pregnancy and I’m sure we would all love for you to share your beautiful scan pic with us if you feel up to it:-)

ToBeOrNotToBee · 22/04/2023 10:40

Please speak to your midwife about his behaviour and get help.

He's an abuser, and his behaviour will only escalate as the pregnancy progresses.

Curseofthenation · 22/04/2023 10:45

Agree with everyone that says you need to return to the UK before the baby arrives. It is especially important if having the baby in the current country leaves you trapped there with no one. Do you want your child to experience this abuse as well? If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for them. He's a nutjob.

IDueLiocorni · 22/04/2023 10:55

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:46

He keeps saying how I’ve denied him the right to share the pic of HIS baby with HIS family. He’s so hung up on it and holding so much anger and hate for me.

Oh my days, I’m so sorry OP. This statement sounds….not right at all.

I don’t say this lightly but do you think you go it alone if you had to get out of this current relationship? Be a single mum and everything that entails?

Everything you’re saying is alerting my tingly spidey senses that this man could potentially be a bit of an abuser. He’s being overly and unreasonably possessive over an unborn baby that you are carrying, nurturing, keeping safe and well, will give birth to etc.

He seems weird honestly.

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