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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pregnancy sharing

79 replies

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:29

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant. I’m older, was very worried about my fertility and ability to conceive and by miracle, it’s happened!

DH’s sister texts us often in group chat and has been anxious to know how it’s going. After the scan we got into the car and I said I’m going to respond to your DSis. He said ok. As part of the response I included a scan pic.

DH went NUCLEAR. Screaming at me down the motorway how I’d betrayed him, how I was disloyal and how I was not to be trusted for taking the right for him to tell his family about HIS baby from him.

I was stunned and really upset, trembling, crying. I accept his premise, however I said I was replying to which he said nothing and I clearly didn’t intend any malice by sending a pic. Hours later and he’s not talking to me and ignoring me.

I’m very upset and have taken to bed. WIBU to share the pic?

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 22/04/2023 10:58

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:55

Don’t want to say where I am as too outing, but a long way from the UK without an easy transit plan. Also issues with me getting out of the country as carrying his child I reckon.

There is no issue getting out of the country whilst pregnant. You will have an issue with aa baby. Run. Run now. Both your stories are very concerning and this os going o escalate.

GabriellaMontez · 22/04/2023 11:03

Leave now.

It may not be possible later with a baby. I think you'll regret it if this happens and you're trapped forever with this twat.

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 11:11

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:55

Don’t want to say where I am as too outing, but a long way from the UK without an easy transit plan. Also issues with me getting out of the country as carrying his child I reckon.

This makes you so vulnerable. I am always a bit wary of the ltb responses, but you are at too much risk. You need to get back to the UK before the baby is born,or you could be trapped there. I am so sorry this is happening. Do you have friends in the UK who can help?

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 11:12

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:56

@Riceball but there is a baby to consider. I gave up work to come here. I’ve no income. I can’t just leave without being smart or I’ll be destitute with a baby.

You will not be destitute in the UK. Much better than being trapped with a controlling man for 18 years.

musicforthesoul · 22/04/2023 11:20

As everyone else said you need to leave now, before the baby is born. That's majorly abusive and it'll get worse.

If you wait until after they're born then legally he will be able to stop the baby travelling, so you wouldn't be able to take them with you.

Better to be poor and have a chance of building a life than be trapped in an abusive household in a foreign country.

moonspiral · 22/04/2023 11:28

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:53

@AspiringMermaid according to him I’ve ruined everything, I’m a bad wife and he regrets the baby.

Bloody hell. Look after yourself OP and consider contacting women's aid.

BeeDavis · 22/04/2023 11:45

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 22:44

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant.

No, you didn’t. Because you are not both pregnant. So there is no “we” are pregnant.

Are you serious?!?!?!?!?? Get a grip.

isthelizardback · 22/04/2023 11:51

There are two possible timeframes here OP; 18 weeks or 18 years.

Assuming you've just had a 12 week scan, realistically you have around 18 weeks to get a plan together and get yourself on a flight back to the UK. Do you have your passport in a safe place? Do you have access to money?

Because the alternative is that you are trapped with this man for the next 18 years. Even if you did find the strength to leave him after the baby is born, you will not be able to take that child out of the country, and I can tell you right now that a man like that will make it his life's mission to control every aspect of your life whether you are still together or not.

bamboonights · 22/04/2023 12:18

00100001 · 21/04/2023 22:54

He's a cunt.

It won't get better,it will get worse.

He'll be shouting at your telling others it's a boy/girl...when they first smile, talk, walk etc you'll be on eggshells wondering if you're "allowed" to do anything...

Leave him sooner rather than later.

P

Agree with this. I'm probably older than you by a decade or two, but on reflection, my "funny, intelligent, sociable" exDh had flashes of temper like this going right back to his teenage years. His ability to be make me laugh in between masked the odd awful outburst and his ability to talk through any issues in a mature manner. We are now divorced. He was horrendous during the process and I now suffer from PTSD many many years later.

philautia · 22/04/2023 12:37

No you weren't being unreasonable to share the picture with his family. As others have said, abusers escalate behaviour during pregnancy and it is worse once the child is born.

It sounds like he has form for it though, this is not a one off. So you know what you need to do. At 12 weeks your uterus is only just above the pubic bone so you can disguise a pregnancy to leave the country (depending on where you are, you may not need to).

You absolutely need to get back to the UK. Do not stay with him or leave and have the baby in the country. Do you have any access to money or are you completely reliant on him? If you don't have any money, can a family member or friend help you? If not, will be DV organisations where you live who will be able to help.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 23/04/2023 20:49

I’m feeling very overwhelmed by what’s going in general and tbh, by some of the comments in this thread. I’ve made it clear I don’t have anyone to call on, or where to go (if I did I would have got this plan in action).

A plane ticket back from here is horrendously expensive, not to mention I don’t have any money, or anywhere to go in the UK. People saying get back, run, book and Airbnb for a month.. with what??!! And ‘go somewhere rural ‘it will be cheaper’ … how will I access vital services? I can hardly afford a car to run and inside too. You see the idealistic notion of leaving is good and well, but I clearly require to be smart about this, not least for baby, but for myself.

I’m well aware I NEED to leave, but I have to be ABLE to financially and physically too. I need a cogent plan pulled together as soon as possible. I love all the magic up of money people are pushing on here, oh if it were that simple!

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 23/04/2023 21:28

FTMom2323 · 23/04/2023 20:49

I’m feeling very overwhelmed by what’s going in general and tbh, by some of the comments in this thread. I’ve made it clear I don’t have anyone to call on, or where to go (if I did I would have got this plan in action).

A plane ticket back from here is horrendously expensive, not to mention I don’t have any money, or anywhere to go in the UK. People saying get back, run, book and Airbnb for a month.. with what??!! And ‘go somewhere rural ‘it will be cheaper’ … how will I access vital services? I can hardly afford a car to run and inside too. You see the idealistic notion of leaving is good and well, but I clearly require to be smart about this, not least for baby, but for myself.

I’m well aware I NEED to leave, but I have to be ABLE to financially and physically too. I need a cogent plan pulled together as soon as possible. I love all the magic up of money people are pushing on here, oh if it were that simple!

I think the embassy idea was a good one. Can you access one?

Derbee · 23/04/2023 21:34

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:46

He keeps saying how I’ve denied him the right to share the pic of HIS baby with HIS family. He’s so hung up on it and holding so much anger and hate for me.

I would text on the WhatsApp group and say youre sorry, but you’re deleting the scan photo because of the abuse you’ve faced all day because of sending it. I would tell them that HE wants to be the only one to share photos, and it’s causing you too much distress whilst pregnant to be shouted at and sworn/name called over something that was meant to be lovely.

Id also seriously consider whether this is a man you want to stay with.

Replitad · 23/04/2023 22:52

FTMom2323 · 23/04/2023 20:49

I’m feeling very overwhelmed by what’s going in general and tbh, by some of the comments in this thread. I’ve made it clear I don’t have anyone to call on, or where to go (if I did I would have got this plan in action).

A plane ticket back from here is horrendously expensive, not to mention I don’t have any money, or anywhere to go in the UK. People saying get back, run, book and Airbnb for a month.. with what??!! And ‘go somewhere rural ‘it will be cheaper’ … how will I access vital services? I can hardly afford a car to run and inside too. You see the idealistic notion of leaving is good and well, but I clearly require to be smart about this, not least for baby, but for myself.

I’m well aware I NEED to leave, but I have to be ABLE to financially and physically too. I need a cogent plan pulled together as soon as possible. I love all the magic up of money people are pushing on here, oh if it were that simple!

Can you set up a GoFundme or is that not allowed on here? I would happily donate to help you escape your abuser. If not, definitely go to the embassy

OrangeRock · 23/04/2023 22:58

Well done though @FTMom2323 for recognising you need to leave. Now your eyes are open you’ll see so much more. Maybe call a domestic violence helpline in the U.K.. they’ll still help and you can ask about practicalities of coming back and what support you’ll have. You might need ti play along and pretend you are not leaving atm.

Opine · 23/04/2023 23:44

Op i agree there have been some unhelpful suggestions. I totally understand what you mean when you say you have no one to help.

When I was a child my mother fled with me and met someone from a refuge at a phone box in the middle of the night. We had a half full bin bag. A difficult year followed but it was a million times better than what we were going through in that house.

You may have no one but your baby has you. You aren’t the dependent. Your baby is.
There are lots of women’s aid groups who you can email straightaway for advice. They exist for people like you. They will help you make plans.
You are overwhelmed because it is overwhelming but you will figure it out.

Not a single response has been written with anything other than concern for you. It’s just hard to hear when you likely wanted someone to say it all sounds normal. Subconsciously you must have needed someone to tell you what you already knew.

Take a moment to breathe and get your thoughts together. You have some time yet.

JMSA · 23/04/2023 23:49

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 22:44

DH and I had our first scan today after finding out we are pregnant.

No, you didn’t. Because you are not both pregnant. So there is no “we” are pregnant.

I was honestly waiting for some smartarse to come out with this. Don't get me wrong, I thought it when reading the post, but wouldn't comment on it due to the OP's distress and me having a modicum of empathy.

OP, your husband's behaviour was completely unacceptable. I hope you're ok Flowers

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 24/04/2023 00:05

FTMom2323 · 21/04/2023 22:53

@AspiringMermaid according to him I’ve ruined everything, I’m a bad wife and he regrets the baby.

I mean this with every scrap of love and support I can muster - get the hell out as soon as you can. Earlier would indeed have been a better time to get out but the next best is asap.

You've just had the first scan. Get an abortion as soon as you can, you don't want to be co-parenting with this guy you really don't. This will not get better, raising a kid with a man like this is no way to live. I literally wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I know everything is almost unbearably hard but it will be getting much much harder soon.

Exactly as pp said Domestic abuse often starts or escalates either during pregnancy, or (or again) just after the birth of the baby.

You're already 'accepting it was an oversight' it wasn't. You did absolutely nothing wrong, this is textbook abusive behaviour.

evuscha · 24/04/2023 00:20

You don’t need to leave right this second but you do need to leave before the baby is born. Once the baby is born in that country you can’t easily travel alone with it to the UK or it might be considered kidnapping. Presumably you have some time to come up with a plan if this was your first scan. He sounds unhinged and things could get very grim. Is that his home country? Does his family live there too? Embassy is probably a good idea and so are charities in the UK that could help you get started once you arrive. You could start slowly putting cash away and save up for a ticket in the next few months.

Nicecow · 24/04/2023 00:49

If you're serious about leaving, do it sooner rather than later. The less further along your pregnancy the better for you, you might have real difficulties later on and probably next to no options if your baby is born in the country you're in. If you already are vulnerable financially then you'll be in even a worse position. I'd get a credit card or loan somehow, get a plane ticket and leave. Stay with a friend or something, anything. Just leave the country you're in and figure it out once you land and are in "safe" territory.

Original poster
FTMom2323 · 24/04/2023 01:01

I’m leaving this thread. I’ve had despicable comments like “get an abortion” are you fucking serious? Followed by speak to a friend … RTFT, I don’t have anyone to call upon.

I set up this thread for support and validation. I know how bad the situation is - I’m living it. Through no fault of my own I don’t at present have the financial means to leave, but I will. I won’t be getting an abortion and I certainly won’t be trusting people - my mistake posting on here.

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 24/04/2023 05:37

Presuming your married op you must have access to finances to get you back to the uk or is he in full reign of those to? I would be on a one way ticket home as soon as you land local cancel and explain you are fleeing domestic abuse womens aid will help as soon as you land so I wouldn’t worry about all the what your going to do once your back it’s the getting back.

He is gaslighting you and installing his control agree with many other posters much harder to flee once baby is here, is there any jobs you could get and tell him your earning extra for the baby to save for your ticket? You must be smart about it as leaving is the most dangerous part but please don’t forget this reaction once the dust settles and think o it’s not soo bad!

Because I assure you it is! Sorry your in this situation op but I would seriously be looking at a little job just to get the ticket whilst your still early on and fit to fly etc and this is fresh in your mind.

Babsexxx · 24/04/2023 05:37

“Council” apologies

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 05:53

What did you expect people to say? You need to leave the country before you have the baby. If you can’t do that you either have the choice of staying with him with a baby, leaving him and leaving the baby with him or not having the baby.

simplicity2023 · 24/04/2023 06:59

I agree with the other posters and I think the majority only try to be helpful. I didn't see the comment about the abortion, but that's a nasty thing to say and I'm sorry this was said to you on here.

I think if you go to the embassy or a woman's shelter in the UK, they have a duty to help you.

Better than being stuck for the next 18 years in his country.