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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has husband gone mad or am I terrible person?

115 replies

Whatonearth3 · 21/04/2023 20:22

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to get your take on a situation that arose this evening. We were sat having our tea with our two DC (age 1 & 2) when a car drove and parked very quickly in front of our house (our house is directly onto the street). This was followed very swiftly by a police car with two police officers jumping out and escorting all of the passengers out of the car. Two men, a woman and child came out of the car and were taken over to the police vehicle.

They were out there for a long time with the men in the back of the police car, whilst the woman and the child were let go and allowed to sit in their own car.

After around 20 mins my husband announced he was going to go out and invite the woman and child into our house whilst they waited. I said that I wasn’t comfortable with this at all, as we have no idea what they’re being arrested for or what they’re involved with. I wouldn’t want them to know who lives at our property, especially not have the knowledge that we have two very small children here.

My husband just couldn’t see my point of view at all!! He’s basically saying I’m being a horrible person. I guess I might be? Or am I in the right here?

Thanks

OP posts:
Ichosetheredpill · 21/04/2023 21:17

Ex-DH once answered a knock at the door at 3am to find a completely wasted teenager on our doorstep. We were in a very rural location so he must have walked a long way to get to us. I was livid that he’d let him in without asking me - I would have helped but not necessarily had a complete stranger in the sitting room at 3am. We called the police who initially told us we were very stupid and that we’d have to deal with it as we’d let him in. Then we had a call back a few minutes later to say we were lucky and he’d been reported missing. They eventually sent a riot van and parked it on our drive at 7am, which gave our neighbours something to speculate about as we were quite new. Anyway - totally different situation and now I have a DS I hope someone would do the same for him but we were lucky and you really don’t know what you’re taking in. Agree with PPs that if the police were there I probably wouldn’t go out, best to let them get on as they wouldn’t want the interruption. If they were there a long time I’d go out to ask whether there was anything they needed for the children - drink or food.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 21:19

Why would they necessarily be in distress, and if they were, why would going into an unknown man's house help them?

The police would not want a third party to get involved in the incident. If the woman and child were distressed then the police are there to deal with it.

Compassion is fine and admirable, but acting in a way to involve yourself in matters that don't warrant it is a different issue.

mincedtart · 21/04/2023 21:24

Newuswr · 21/04/2023 20:57

You both are curtain twitchers. You don’t need to spend your evening eavesdropping and watching for updates like it’s a movie. Christ. As if you’ve given us a play by play account…shouldn’t you be looking after your 1 and 2 year olds?

It’s stupid for your husband to offer that when those people are safe/comfortable in their car, and when the police are still dealing with them. It’s not like they’re exposed to the elements. The police obviously haven’t told them to drive away so your husband could be interrupting by trying to get involved. Close the curtains and resume your lives.

Oh come on, like you wouldn’t find that interesting right in front of your house.

What’s led you to browsing a website full of personal dramas on a Friday night..?

Original poster
Whatonearth3 · 21/04/2023 21:34

Thanks everyone! I thought I wasn’t being unreasonable here, hopefully he’ll see sense once he’s slept on it.

I don’t think he was being nosey, I think he was probably white knighting. He can be like this sometimes, involving himself (he sees it as helping) in situations where I wouldn’t. Often as a consequence making me look like a terrible person! I’m obviously more than happy to help people, but when I feel it’s appropriate and not putting our family in harms way.

As for curtain twitching, it was unfolding about 1 meter away from our living room window 🤣 we’d have had to shut all the curtains and go upstairs to not see or hear any of it unfolding. Hardly curtain twitching 🙄

Thanks again x

OP posts:
Namechange828492 · 21/04/2023 21:35

I semi similar thing happened to me and the woman locked me in my house and some weird things happened. Yes i am an idiot, if you see police leave alone!

Resilience · 21/04/2023 21:38

DH is well intentioned but misguided.

We've all been in cars for 20 minutes with DC when driving somewhere without needing a someone to look after us. This one was just stationary. Being in a car with a child is not a situation that requires a rescue. They weren't broken down. She was clearly waiting to find out if she would be leaving with the men or without them.

Had the police taken the males away and left her there and she did not immediately drive away, I might have asked her if she needed help, but not otherwise.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2023 21:42

Sloop89 · 21/04/2023 20:26

Your husband is a good man. I'd have done the same.

Husband is a nosy parker. He just wanted the gossip.

The police would have been mightily unimpressed with any interference from him.

Wheresthebeach · 21/04/2023 21:47

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 20:28

No, I wouldn't have invited them in. They were sat in their own car, they were perfectly fine and safe. I doubt the police would have allowed it anyway. No need for additional people to insert themselves into a police incident.

This 100%

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 21:49

what An utterly stupid thing to do. The police don’t want him involved in their stuff and of course you don’t act like a twat and wade in and ask them in, what was he, born yesterday?

whynotwhatknot · 21/04/2023 21:50

so what did happen op did the men get arrested or what

yes i am nosy

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2023 21:51

thehourwaslate · 21/04/2023 21:16

Deranged? For suggesting helping a woman and child who are likely in distress? I understand reluctance in case it puts you at risk, but in itself it’s not a wild idea. Does no one have compassion anymore?

Show quote history

The police wouldn't have wanted the general public inserting themselves into whatever situation they were handling. They would have told DH to piss off if he'd approached any of the people they were helping/apprehending/advising. No matter how "compassionate" he reckoned he was.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 21:51

Sloop89 · 21/04/2023 20:26

Your husband is a good man. I'd have done the same.

Oh god, really. They’d all habe looked at you like you’ve two heads, 😂

EhLov · 21/04/2023 21:56

I think Missdotty got it

Today 20:39
If I was the woman there is no way in hell I would want to leave the privacy and comfort of my car, at an upsetting time, to take up the offer of a strange man, to enter his personal space, so he can (best case scenario) ask leading questions about the upsetting time, ie, the police involvement. The kindest thing is surely to leave them alone. Your husband should know better. with you on that.

And surely there's no way the police would just let you slope off with 2 of their crowd

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/04/2023 21:56

ConkerBonkers · 21/04/2023 20:39

If I was the woman there is no way in hell I would want to leave the privacy and comfort of my car, at an upsetting time, to take up the offer of a strange man, to enter his personal space, so he can (best case scenario) ask leading questions about the upsetting time, ie, the police involvement. The kindest thing is surely to leave them alone. Your husband should know better. with you on that.

100% this.

Original poster
Whatonearth3 · 21/04/2023 21:57

@whynotwhatknot yes they did! The police drove off with them, then another man showed up and drove off with the woman and child.

We’ll never know the full story, sorry 🤣

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 21/04/2023 22:00

Whatonearth3 · 21/04/2023 21:57

@whynotwhatknot yes they did! The police drove off with them, then another man showed up and drove off with the woman and child.

We’ll never know the full story, sorry 🤣

ooh well thanks for the update

BluebellBlueballs · 21/04/2023 22:01

Saviour complex much?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/04/2023 22:04

@thehourwaslate 'deranged' as in thinking the police would even allow him to do this. Nothing to do with whether or not he is considerate.

He just sounds nosey to be honest.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 21/04/2023 22:11

Sloop89 · 21/04/2023 20:26

Your husband is a good man. I'd have done the same.

Yeah, sure.

YANBU OP. Your husband is nuts.

Echobelly · 21/04/2023 22:14

I'd have invited them in, the woman was with the kids, so presumably she wasn't considered any kind of danger to children or under suspicion of whatever it was.

But you're still in your rights to say no and to not feel safe, and your DH should have accepted that you were uncomfortable and dropped it. I also agree the police may not have allowed it.

ReUseRepeat · 21/04/2023 22:15

YADNBU he sounds deranged. Why would a woman with a child be more comfortable waiting in a strangers house rather than her own car? She's not exactly going to sit and watch Coronation Street with you all having Jaffa cakes is she?

Ladybug14 · 21/04/2023 22:16

Why would your husband think it appropriate to interfere in police business?

ohjeesus · 21/04/2023 22:18

Your husband is a keeper! What a star of a man xx

TheChoiceIsYours · 21/04/2023 22:18

Whatonearth3 · 21/04/2023 21:34

Thanks everyone! I thought I wasn’t being unreasonable here, hopefully he’ll see sense once he’s slept on it.

I don’t think he was being nosey, I think he was probably white knighting. He can be like this sometimes, involving himself (he sees it as helping) in situations where I wouldn’t. Often as a consequence making me look like a terrible person! I’m obviously more than happy to help people, but when I feel it’s appropriate and not putting our family in harms way.

As for curtain twitching, it was unfolding about 1 meter away from our living room window 🤣 we’d have had to shut all the curtains and go upstairs to not see or hear any of it unfolding. Hardly curtain twitching 🙄

Thanks again x

Out of interest does he ever go out of his way to help men, in these situations he likes to involve himself in? Or just women?

FrostyFifi · 21/04/2023 22:23

Your husband is a blithering idiot.