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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do men become better boyfriends when they fall in love?

94 replies

FeelingSad99 · 21/04/2023 19:47

I’m a heterosexual woman so will position this from my own perspective but it could apply to any relationship.

If you meet a guy who has previously been a useless boyfriend. Perhaps he lied, cheated, was lazy or just didn’t commit. If he meets the love of his life, how likely is he to change and become a good boyfriend?

I think I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

YABU - men don’t change. If he was a crap boyfriend to his ex, he’ll be a crap boyfriend to you too.

YANBU - of course men can change and they frequently do change when they meet the love of their life, even if it took them 40 years to do so!

OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 21/04/2023 19:55

They might try. It might last a year or so, while they try to treat you how they know they should. But in the end, they aren’t going to keep pretending to be something they’re not long term.

HaggisBurger · 21/04/2023 19:56

You really need to ask this?

Fairislefandango · 21/04/2023 19:57

People don't change personality just because they meet someone new. If someone is an arsehole, they're an arsehole.

FiddleLeaf · 21/04/2023 19:59

No.

I don’t think falling in love makes you a good person.

BranchGold · 21/04/2023 20:00

I think people are capable of behaving differently with different people, be that situational or with time. So someone can be vibrant, productive and engaging in a work setting but a lazy slob at home. Or a hedonistic playboy in their teens/early 20’s but a dependable family man later.

I also think most people are creatures of habit and fall into their natural patterns of behaviour though.

Englebertstrousers · 21/04/2023 20:02

Hmm. I’m torn on this one. My dp of 3 years has definitely changed since we’ve been together. We’re both middle aged and he’s never been married. His family and friends tell me that they’ve never seen him more relaxed, committed or happy. BUT I didnt go into it thinking I could change him, I just wanted to be with him for the person he was. If I had thought he was a bit of a twat I wouldn't have.

Forfrigz · 21/04/2023 20:21

Most men aren't dicks for the fun of it, it's usually because they have an overblown ego they have to try and prop up. By default this makes them not fully capable of love in the way you might think of it.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 20:28

I wouldnt date someone I knew had behaved that way.

Some of them might have matured, some of them might think they have, some are love vombong. But 2 of those 3 will revert to being shit because they haven't matured enough to end a relationship.

Sadly a lot of men cant actually end a relationship. They man-dump. They become shits and wait for the woman to do it.

I'm in my 30s now, i dont want to waste my time on risky men. If you want a baby and a settled relationship you can save a lot of time by just ruling those men out of your dating pool.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 20:32

I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

Dont put this on yourself because you're putting yourself in the position of feeling like it's your personal fault if a bloke becomes a liar/cheat.

Xavier234 · 21/04/2023 20:40

I think it's based on age. At 20 I wouldn't be bothered if someone was a party boy and pissed about. At 30, a bit of partying fine. Five years later... no.
But that's just maturing and growing up, nothing dramatic. I'm not the same person and don't want the same things as 20 years ago.
Do I think people can change their core personality.
Possibly. But, I think it takes hard work. By that I mean an acknowledgement you have made mistakes, you're flawed, probably therapy etc. I don't think it's a quick process.
Do I think a fundamentally selfish, uncompromising man becomes kind and loving when he falls in love (assuming he's not v young/actively working to improve himself(? No. I actually think you'll get the best of him at the start when he's trying to woo you, then when he's settled and you're attached he'll show his true colours.
You know you deserve someone who loves you fully, through good and bad?

Fairislefandango · 21/04/2023 20:43

I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

Tbh this doesn't sound arrogant, it just sounds stupid or deluded. If a man has flaws that significant, why date him? When it comes to getting into a relationship, I'm a strong believer in giving the opposite of the benefit of the doubt. Most boyfriends are much worse than no boyfriend. Especially ones you already know have proved themselves to be worse than no boyfriend!

TheSaint01 · 21/04/2023 20:43

Nope, they never change.

MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 20:44

Thr beginning of falling in love - the feeling of infatuation is not real love. If a bf is doing extreme things to show ‘love’ I actually get quite worried as this is a red flag. That intensity peels away with time as you get into more mundane things in life and see each other 24/7.

Real love feels very different. It’s tender it’s thoughtful it’s selflessness it’s a slow burn. Its knowing all the flaws, and accepting but wanting to improve anyway for the greater good of the future.

Xrays · 21/04/2023 20:46

Everyone shits rainbows when they’re in love and it’s a new relationship. It’s a year or so in when their true colours emerge.

Xavier234 · 21/04/2023 20:49

MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 20:44

Thr beginning of falling in love - the feeling of infatuation is not real love. If a bf is doing extreme things to show ‘love’ I actually get quite worried as this is a red flag. That intensity peels away with time as you get into more mundane things in life and see each other 24/7.

Real love feels very different. It’s tender it’s thoughtful it’s selflessness it’s a slow burn. Its knowing all the flaws, and accepting but wanting to improve anyway for the greater good of the future.

I think this is a good point. I think you can't really know someone's (a partner, I suppose's) true character until your first proper argument and you've experienced hardship together. Also, and this isn't meant to be cruel but why did his previous relationships end? Because he might have 'loved' them too... until he didn't. You sound uncertain about it. Some doubts are fine in the early stages, but don't end up with someone who is shit. You deserve better than that.

Xavier234 · 21/04/2023 20:52

Fairislefandango · 21/04/2023 20:43

I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

Tbh this doesn't sound arrogant, it just sounds stupid or deluded. If a man has flaws that significant, why date him? When it comes to getting into a relationship, I'm a strong believer in giving the opposite of the benefit of the doubt. Most boyfriends are much worse than no boyfriend. Especially ones you already know have proved themselves to be worse than no boyfriend!

Very hard on the OP. People seek out different kinds of relationships for all sorts of reasons, often unconsciously stemming from childhood. It's great she's recognised it is a problem.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/04/2023 20:55

It’s a common thing that women think highly of themselves, they’re different and more special than the rest and they’re good enough to change an arsehole when none of his ex’s made the mark - and in the end they get burnt, it never works. It’s as much to do with the woman’s ego as the man’s

DelurkingAJ · 21/04/2023 20:55

I agree with PP that if the man is 25 or younger (give or take) then yes, I’d believe they could truly grow up. Past then I fear it’s an outside chance. It was a bit of a red flag for me (although I couldn’t have told you the term at the time) that DH wasn’t friends with any of his exs. But he was 22 and has matured enormously!

ShopoholicIn · 21/04/2023 20:56

I don't think men or women behave differently when they are in love.. they may behave differently for a short while but we all are what we are...@

QueenSmartypants · 21/04/2023 20:59

Here's the thing.

I'm particularly choosy about who I date because I believe a person is only worthy of your heart if they treat well when they don't love you.

So, I think your question is irrelevant. If they treat you well when you're not important to them, they're never really going to treat you particularly well when you are.

Long terms relationships change and evolve. They face stressors and strains so you need to know how a person is going to behave when the going gets tough. It tells you everything you need to know about them.

PrimarilyParented · 21/04/2023 21:18

@DelurkingAJ why is not being friends with your exes a red flag? I have several I would be polite to if I met them, but I’m not friends with any. There are exes have no issue with at all but certainly didn’t stay friends with as we didn’t have mutual friends and fell out of touch. There are others who cheated on me, abused me or dumped me in an awful way, so of course I’m not friends with them. Why would you expect your DP to be friends with his exes? Polite and not disrespectful about them, of course, but friends?

EustaceTheMonk · 21/04/2023 21:34

YABU. Two things I drummed into DDs were: (i) men don't change and (ii) they never leave their wives. Fatherly duty done.

CurlewKate · 21/04/2023 21:43

Never take on a fixer-upper. Never.

MMMarmite · 21/04/2023 21:47

People can change. Through life experience, gaining wisdom, a wake up call, psychotherapy. Sometimes the dynamics can be different in a new relationship, if the partner has better boundaries and they know they can't get away with stuff.

But people don't change their personality just because they "met the love of their life". That is naive in my view.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 21/04/2023 21:53

BranchGold · 21/04/2023 20:00

I think people are capable of behaving differently with different people, be that situational or with time. So someone can be vibrant, productive and engaging in a work setting but a lazy slob at home. Or a hedonistic playboy in their teens/early 20’s but a dependable family man later.

I also think most people are creatures of habit and fall into their natural patterns of behaviour though.

So what made the hedonistic playboy change into a devoted family man?

I think this is the situation I find myself in. For example, I meet a hedonistic playboy who has never fallen in love. We really click. I think we have potential. We possibly fall in love. Am I right to think that he might become that devoted family man? Or will he be a secret hedonistic playboy on the side, behind my back?

OP posts: