Do men become better boyfriends when they fall in love?

[FeelingSad99]

I’m a heterosexual woman so will position this from my own perspective but it could apply to any relationship.

If you meet a guy who has previously been a useless boyfriend. Perhaps he lied, cheated, was lazy or just didn’t commit. If he meets the love of his life, how likely is he to change and become a good boyfriend?

I think I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

YABU - men don’t change. If he was a crap boyfriend to his ex, he’ll be a crap boyfriend to you too.

YANBU - of course men can change and they frequently do change when they meet the love of their life, even if it took them 40 years to do so!

I think whether someone is fundamentally decent, treats people (everyone) well doesn't change, but men can/do settle down when they meet the one.

E.g. I know a man in his 50s. He was very much the single man for nearly 50 years. Lots of women, but only one at a time, still friends with may of them, a good friend to lots of people and a responsible person in his community. About 6 years ago he met a woman who has completely changed his life and he's now a doting father, which no one ever saw for him, but he was always a good man iyswim.

I do NOT think men can change their personalities because they fall in love. However - I do think that anyone, male, female, or whatever, can change to a certain extent as they mature and have more experience of relationships. It isn't always for the better, but of course it can be. My own DH, for instance... I think there is a possibility that he may have been a pretty crap boyfriend/husband when he was younger. He is now a fantastic husband, father, stepfather, grandad and step-grandad. I also think some of that may be due to my expectations of him. I won't be walked over and he knows that, but he also knows that he can rely on my support when he needs it. We are definitely stronger together. I'm not sure his previous relationships were like that, and I think he has matured a lot since then. His previous wives probably wouldn't recognise him at all!

I totally understand a lot of this but think (not in all cases) being nice to waiters/cleaners etc is all too ofter touted as indication "he's a good person" on MN and I disagree. If someone is an arse to them, that's a warning sign of course, but I don't think the latter necessarily means much. It is so easy to be nice to someone in those situations. I've seen friends marry and myself dated men who were "nice" in those circumstances but were they good partners? No. On the contrary the more charming the exterior the worse the interior. Sometimes you need to wait and see how they are privately when there is no one but you to perform to.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think, if I ever date again, I’ll just have to

• take it on a case by case basis
• take things slowly
• look to see how he treated people in his past and not expect a big shift from this
• see how he treats people who aren’t going to add a huge amount to his life
• see how he treats me before he (potentially) falls in love with me

I also need to get better at

• trusting my gut
• not second guessing myself
• believe him when he tells me his flaws and not think I can change them
• hold him to decent standards

I think there’s a theme in your replies that, women who expected and demanded more from their men, received better treatment.

Interesting question...

My younger brother was a little bit like you describe when he was younger, never wanted to commit, often dated several girls at once etc. He was also lazy and had no idea what he wanted to do with his life.

He then met a girl at work, she wasn't interested given his womaniser reputation. He was hooked, fell utterly head over heels and tried really hard with her.

Eventually she gave him a chance, they've now been together about 8 years, got married last year and have a 1 year old daughter together. He's still utterly devoted to his wife and is the most amazing hands on father. He also chose a career path and is doing really well.

I do think that meeting the right person can really change someone

My late dh first married very young, about 22, it lasted until he was 28, then they split, no children, he said they just drifted apart. They were still friends when I met him 20 years later. After his divorce he had had quite a few relationships but never wanted to settle down, he didn't cheat but was serially monogamous. We met in our 40s I was divorced with 2 teenage sons. I wasn't set on getting married, but he really wanted to be 'respectable' as he put it, and was tired of having a series of relationships. We were together for 20 years until he died.
I wouldn't have had anything to do with him as a young woman, looking for a stable relationship and a father for my children, but in my 40s, financially secure, with a home and a good job, he was just what I needed, and a lot of fun. He was very supportive and encouraged me to be more confident in my own judgement, we were good together.

These are all good points you've made! And I don't actually think it's that women who demanded more got their man to change, more the awful men left as they realised they couldn't handle a woman with clear boundaries who expressed her needs. So these women moved onto a man and ultimately found someone who was innately kind and valued her
You can stay in relationships with terrible men, but at what cost? So your needs are forgotten, you are secondary to something, you're not prioritised? Find someone who loves you ❤️

Not to meantion that being polite to someone who handles your food is just good self preservation 😁

My tip to gauge a man is to see how he treats and talks about and to all women.
And most importantly women who are of no use for him or women who don’t serve patriarchy.
This can be lesbians, asexual women, old women, ugly women, childfree, single by choice women, women who don’t pander to male gaze and beauty standards, women who call out sexism eg. won’t tolerate porn, sexist jokes or banter etc.
Men can be or pretend to be very nice to women they’d like to fuck, it’s important how they treat the wants they don’t want.

In my experience these men who pass this test seems to be at least half decent.

I cheated on every single ex I had. Because I thought I could get away with it (and usually did) and because it didn't bother me that much if I got caught. If we split up, I could always find someone else if I wanted to. I was young and stupid and didn't particularly care.

16 years in I haven't cheated on DP. The difference with her is that within 11 months of meeting her we had a child together. The consequences of me cheating would have been infinitely worse.

So I didn't. I haven't wanted to either. I can't say I never will, I don't particularly believe in monogamy, but even once DD is an adult and has moved out, the consequences of me cheating would probably overrule any desire I had to do it, so I can't imagine I will.

You sound like a real catch

You need to read everything on this website!

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-relationships-dont-work-out/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-can-change-himher-syndrome-dont-tie-your-worth-to-trying-to-control-the-uncontrollable/

No

They do sometimes change but other people don't change them. They just get older and their hormones change. That can make them slightly more bearable to be around...sometimes.

I know right!

🤣

This is brilliant! I have copied it into my notes. Thank you.

I think people will change if they want to. I was seeing someone for a while, I thought we could be together but he kept messing me around and wouldn't commit. Found out a while after we stopped talking he had got a girlfriend then they had a baby when I couldn't even get a straight word out of him. I've heard he's still a dick so it's been a lucky escape but he's defo settled down with her and not me.

Tbh it doesn't sound like he's changed at all. I was the other woman in this sitch (without baby) and his exes might have thought "why her?" but it wasn't me at all. He did a good show of, for a time proving, even to me, he wasn't a commitmentphobe/uncompromising/selfish etc but it ended because he was all the things he said he wasn't and when I became less passive he bolted. It was external circumstances (e.g. societal) which forced a change in him and made him want a relationship at that point. Not me. I don't think any 'bad' man (I say that for ease - I think it's more avoident traits) will honestly change unless he works on himself. There's no magic woman, relationships are hard work and some men (and women) can't be arsed with that.

I don’t necessarily think once an arsehole forever one. Yes they can change for the better ( not All) I don’t think you can generalise some grow up and some never do.