Do men become better boyfriends when they fall in love?

[FeelingSad99]

I’m a heterosexual woman so will position this from my own perspective but it could apply to any relationship.

If you meet a guy who has previously been a useless boyfriend. Perhaps he lied, cheated, was lazy or just didn’t commit. If he meets the love of his life, how likely is he to change and become a good boyfriend?

I think I overlook men’s flaws because I naively or perhaps arrogantly think that they just haven’t had their right / best / forever relationship yet and it will be different with me!

YABU - men don’t change. If he was a crap boyfriend to his ex, he’ll be a crap boyfriend to you too.

YANBU - of course men can change and they frequently do change when they meet the love of their life, even if it took them 40 years to do so!

I think because he so brazenly admitted cheating on his ex, in such a matter of fact way, it didn’t hit home properly. I thought he just didn’t like her very much.

That’s exactly the sort of thing my friend would say. It’s just finding a way to excuse the shitty behaviour over and over and over again, because it’s what she/you want to believe.

Do you think he’s kind about you?

I don't think those are wildly insightful things. Those were him speaking his guilt outloud!

Insightful would be like "I think I have been a selfish person. I did A and B. I think the impact they had on the other person is C. This caused them to respond in D way, which meant E for that relationship. I think that I learnt to be selfish because my father treated my mother that way when I was younger, but I can see now how destructive that was. I really want to be different, so I am going to do F and G on a practical level, and also talk to someone to explore more what's been driving this behaviour."

Have a couple of very attractive male schoolmates (who were also nice blokes) who were seen as not settling down/being shallow. The minute the right girl entered the room, they were besotted and in love. And have remained so for 30+ years. Being good-looking, they attracted everybody. But of course, it had to be the right person for them too.

No. I’m not with him. He had a girlfriend the whole time he was with me and I had no idea. It just blew up on Sunday. I was his secret bit on the side and I didn’t know. I presume he never told anyone about me. Or if he did he probably said I was a crazy single mother who was really into him.

Very good post @Thepeopleversuswork

I think this is what I had in mind. I think I thought men were like this until the right woman came along.
I guess I just didn’t take into consideration that there are plenty of selfish men around too, who cheat and just take what they want.

I reckon people don't work that way.

I each person have a basic level of kindness and respect that they pay to everyone. For some that is a very high level of decency, for others very low.

Then people will pay above that level if they can get something out of it. So if you have high boundaries and high power and social status, shit people will treat you less shittily. But they are still shit people overall.

Do women who were previously useless girlfriends change when they fall in love? People can, and do, change but a fundamental change is unlikely unless their original personality was a lie in the first place.

yep - to be fair, a lot of people (not just men) are bastards - I have a narc mother :) I was thinking about young (ish) men ie under 35

Ooh. I’m not sure. All of my female friends are good girlfriends and wives!
I do know one woman who was unhappily married who cheated on her husband and left him. Now she is married to the new guy and they have a baby. She seems very happy with the new guy. I can’t see her cheating on him.

They only change when they get too old for it all. Like lazy wildebeest eyeing up gazelles.

The guy I was seeing was 43. Maybe he’ll give up being a cheat when he’s 63.

For men i think it's less hassle. They dont have to plan a hard conversation and where they will live. A lot of men are quite passive and will leave a relationship without declaring it hy checking out.

I did it once when I was in a bad toxic relationship by finding a job opportunity miles away from home that I knew he wouldnt move away with me for and i knew it would fizzle out then. I stuck around until then because by then he had isolated me from friends and family and I was scared of being alone and depressed and the fall out from actually ending it rather than letting it fizzle out and starting over somewhere new.

Whilst I agree it's not a great idea thinking you can 'fix' a man, it's definitely the case that some (a lot?) of men won't treat a woman as well if they're a bit meh about the relationship.

Absolutely men change when they fall in love- in movies.

In real life- no. In fact bad men falling in love just means they then feel entitled to mistreat one more person.

I don't know why so many posters seem not to believe that a man might act completely differently towards somebody they want to marry/date vs somebody they just want a quick shag with.

A man who has a lack of respect or holds contempt for women in general will show his colours in time, no matter how 'in love' he is.

If he's fine mistreating a woman he wanted a quick shag with, then he will absolutely be the kind of husband who has no issues mistreating his wife.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Leopards don't tend to change their spots unless they spend a lot of time working on themselves and gaining insight and self-awareness.

Most don't bother.

I agree with this. It's why "watch how they treat the waiting staff when you're on a date" is such a good litmus test.

A man in the first flush of love with you might treat you like a princess, but that doesn't mean he has a good character. He might treat you like a princess for years and years but if he's capable of treating others like shit, he can turn on you too.

On the other hand a man who isn't in love with you and is only up for something casual can still do it respectfully - making sure you're on the same page, being courteous.

As for whether people change over time - sure, everyone evolves, sometimes consciously and sometimes naturally. But not necessarily in a set way. And it only ever comes from within. You can never actively change who someone is and only a fool would try.

I have posted this before on a different thread.
My father, when married to my mother, was an utter tyrant. An abusive arsehole who left a stain on his children and made my mother a nervous wreck.
His second wife however was a very different story.
She was younger, no children, a high flyer in her field, earned more than him and for the first time he was able to buy a home (with her)
He did not behave like an abusive twat with her, she definitely would not have put up with that shit.
So from my experience, SOME men can change if it suits their needs.
They were married for 12 years until his (early) death.
In my own dating experience (I have now conceded I have no clue how to have a healthy relationship and have given up) men don't change.
I guess I haven't either otherwise my dating experiences would have.
I'm having therapy, for me, not so I can date!

Hmm, not sure about this. My mate's in his mid 40s and has been the model husband/father for almost ten years. Prior to this he would shag anything that moved.

I dated a total twat years ago, who did such a number on my through emotional manipulation that I needed counselling after we broke up.

The counsellor said something I still remember, not because it was particularly insightful but because I didn’t like hearing it at the time, which was that he may behave differently with the next woman he dates because she will expect more.

I think she was right. I think my ex is essentially a twat, but he did want marriage, children, etc, so I think when he did settle down, he will have behaved much better with his wife.

I do see them on social media and he did get the kind of wife he wanted. No idea if this is all in my mind but I do see a difference in their pictures over the years. She doesn’t seem as radiant to be married to him. I look back and wonder how I was ever taken in by him and wouldn’t have him as a gift now. For her sake, I hope they are happy.

Lying, cheating and laziness are character problems inherent in the man. They don't originate in the woman he's hitched to. Unless a man has subjected himself to a prolonged period of self-examination and self-discipline, don't think he's changed.

That said, I think that where men of high character are guided by moral precepts, men of low character are guided by incentives. Therefore a fuckboy might make short term changes to his behaviour if a woman incentivises him to do so. However, he's unlikely to be able to sustain the new persona on a longterm basis because it's effortsome and he's weak.

Was he treating them badly though? There's nothing disrespectful about casual sex and promiscuity if there's enthusiastic consent from all parties.