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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New baby and DH family

90 replies

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 09:28

Name changed in case it’s outing. Quite a bit of backstory.

DH and I got married in 2021 during Covid, cancelled our big wedding and had a very small registry office ceremony with my parents and his best friend and wife.

Main reason was we had found out we needed IVF and didn’t want to hang around waiting for Covid to end, at the time we had no idea how long it would be. And we’d already rearranged the wedding several times and quite frankly were fed up with it all.

DH immediate family live in Australia and they obviously couldn’t come. At the time it was pretty horrendous, and they made us feel awful. We already felt bad but had to make a hard decision. His mum told us that she would feel even worse on the day if members of his family who live in the UK were invited, she said she’d feel more left out. Despite me trying to get DH to invite at least grandparents he point blank refused after what his mum said and none of his family came. Since then I’ve been totally blanked by all of them, they stopped sending me birthday cards/presents and nobody has contacted me. Use to get the odd text from aunties and grandma. It turns out I’ve been blamed for them not being invited and his mum is conveniently going along with it and hasn’t told them it was actually her doing.

The issue is now, we’re due our first baby in the next few weeks and DH has mentioned a few times about us taking the baby to see the extended family when he’s born (3 hour drive). And his mum has also dropped a few hints about us taking the baby down to grandparents. The thing is I really don’t want to, nobody has spoken to me for 2 years, and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Do I suck it up and go down? Or point blank refuse given the background.
DH obviously can’t take baby on his own for a while as I’ll be breastfeeding and I don’t really want him to go off for a full day with baby in the beginning either. It’s really starting to stress me out and birth is getting closer.

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 09:33

This must be so stressful for you, how does your husband feel about it all? I think they have a cheek ignoring you for a situation you didn't create and then expect you to play nice when the baby is here.
What has your husband says to his family about it? Has he addressed with his mum that they ignore and blame you wrongly?
Personally without an apology I wouldn't be going to visit with the baby. I would tell husband he can go visit when you stop breastfeeding or they can come to you to visit.
Have you spoke to mum at all to explain it was her son that didn't want to invite his grandparents?

Hazelnuttella · 21/04/2023 09:36

No I definitely would not go. Tell DH he can invite them to visit the new baby at home.

I wouldn’t be going on any long journeys with a new baby. Maybe phrase it like that, might be easier for DH to accept, rather than you’re not going because you don’t want to see his family.

Aubree17 · 21/04/2023 09:39

I think your husband needs to talk to his family.
Interesting that they've stopped talking to you and not him when it was a mutual decision.
Your not being unreasonable, it was your wedding to do as you wish.

LittleMG · 21/04/2023 09:41

Well that’s a bit much, what does you husband say? He must know it would be really awkward for you! They should come to you you can’t take a baby on a long drive, well you can but it won’t be much fun.

Talipesmum · 21/04/2023 09:48

I think your husband should contact his relatives and speak with them. Has he explained about the wedding and it being his mum’s wishes? He should be working hard to build bridges here, for all your sakes. His mum should as well but I’m assuming you guys have no control over what she does.

I also think it’s time to try and heal a family rift, especially if it’s pretty much unfounded. Your DH has no other family here and it would be a shame for the rift to continue - pointlessly. This argument aside, they’ve been ok? Don’t let it get worse. A 3 hour drive isn’t much, most of my family live that far away and it’s entirely doable with planning (not immediately! But doable). Your DH becoming a father is likely to make him think a lot more about family and his childhood, and it wouldn’t be fair to say he should stay away from his family for your sake just on the back of the wedding issue. If you can all sort this now before it gets worse, see them all in person etc, that could have a huge amount of benefit in the future for your growing family.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 21/04/2023 09:50

Yeah, nah that wouldn’t be happening. 3 hours each way is a long trip for a small baby and definitely not worth it when the people you’re visiting can’t even be civil. If they were very lucky and changed their behaviour they’d probably get invited to my home for the day to visit the new baby.

Can I ask, what has your husband done to deal with his family being hostile towards you? Because he really, really should have dealt with this a long time ago.

Vallmo47 · 21/04/2023 09:52

Ha!… Nope, I wouldn’t make that level of effort for people who have been blanking me. Not without a sincere apology. They’d have to come to you.

Original poster

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 09:52

DH knows I’m pretty upset about being blamed. He has asked him mum about it. She denied saying it , then waffled on a bit (his words) and there wasn’t really a conclusion.

I don’t want DH to have a rift with his family but I feel pretty annoyed and upset that they’ve all decided it was my fault when actually it had nothing to do with me. I was the one trying to get them there so I could invite more of my own family. DH has visited on his own since the wedding and calls them semi regularly, so they’ve not fallen out.

DH hasn’t made a big deal about us taking the baby, it’s been more hints and it would be nice for them to meet the baby etc, which I agree with but also don’t really want it to involve me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2023 09:53

I'll say this as nicely as I can...

Fuck those people. Not a bloody chance.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2023 09:54

What has your dh done to make it clear to them that it wasn’t your fault? He sounds so weak willed; he just rolls over to what his mum wants, happy for you to take the blame and then expect you to play happy families. Hope you’re not expecting him to be any kind of role model for your child

Hazelnuttella · 21/04/2023 09:55

Yes it would be nice for them to meet the baby but why is DH assuming that you should go to them?

The very well established convention of having a new baby is that people come to you. Because you’ve just given birth and have a new baby.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 21/04/2023 09:55

I definitely wouldn't go, they've treated you like rubbish because of a decision you and DH made about your wedding. They can make the journey to you or not.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/04/2023 09:56

I would be telling dh that how you feel is down to his actions, and he needs to sort it, or you will

i would expect him to tell his family exactly why they were not invited, due to his mothers comments, and that he is very upset at how they gave treated you and you deserve open apology

if he won’t, then I would tell him that if he wants his family to see the baby you will tell them,

I would also say they need to come to you

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2023 09:58

Hazelnuttella · 21/04/2023 09:55

Yes it would be nice for them to meet the baby but why is DH assuming that you should go to them?

The very well established convention of having a new baby is that people come to you. Because you’ve just given birth and have a new baby.

This, obviously. And huge congrats on your baby! Also they’re idiots and DH is spineless.

Laiste · 21/04/2023 09:59

DH has mentioned a few times about us taking the baby to see the extended family when he’s born (3 hour drive). And his mum has also dropped a few hints about us taking the baby down to grandparents.

I think if this were me i'd want DH to make a big effort to talk to his family and get this out in the open and make it known it was both of you's wishes to go ahead with your wedding during covid. Get the stalemate over with.

Then i'd make the effort to take the baby to see it's family.

These people are going to be in you and your baby's life for a lot of years. Do you really want to stay out in wilderness? Your DH is obviously wanting to build bridges. Help him by showing a way for them to make it up to you too. Bridges have two ends.

Eggseggseverywhere · 21/04/2023 10:00

Dh can face time them holding the baby. Imo that's as close as they should expect given their behaviour..

Original poster

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:00

And yes I completely agree DH should have dealt with it all along time ago. He’s annoyed with them for how they’ve acted but he hasn’t spoken to any of them about it. It’s sort of the elephant in the room when he visits but it’s not been an issue up until the baby coming. His mum is very controlling and domineering and I know he finds it difficult to confront her. Not an excuse just the family dynamic.

Forgot to say, I was half expecting them to reach out when he told them I was pregnant to say congrats etc and if they had I’d probably have moved on without an apology or bringing it up. But I don’t feel like I should be making the first moved when I’ve done nothing wrong.

OP posts:

Laiste · 21/04/2023 10:00

Oh! Meant to say. I wouldn't be doing the drive with a newborn. I'd agree to do when baby is 3 months ish.

If they want to see it sooner they are welcome to come to you.

Goldbar · 21/04/2023 10:00

I wouldn't be dragging a small baby 3 hours in the car to see people like that. Is it a 3 hour round-trip or 3 hours there and then 3 hours back? If the latter, 6 hours in one day is too long for a newborn in the car imo.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 10:04

No. Don’t go. They can all fuck off. They don’t get to be twats to you, when you didn’t do anything wrong, ignore you for two years and then get to play babies with your newborn. No.

I do this your H should set them straight separately on the wedding thing, though.

Laiste · 21/04/2023 10:04

His mum is very controlling and domineering and I know he finds it difficult to confront her. Not an excuse just the family dynamic.

I have sympathy here - mine is the same - and even though you know what needs to be said and you'd have no problems saying it to anyone else, there's something about confronting/dealing with a mother figure like that which is so hard.

BUT - he's a parent now, and you simply have to face this sort of stuff.

It's part of growing up. You can't hide away from it forever. Just thank your lucky stars she's in Aus

Original poster

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:05

3 hours each way.
His Grandparents are elderly and wouldn’t manage the drive. He hasn’t suggested going in week 1, I guess just sometime when the baby is still ‘newborn’ stage.

I could bring it up with him again and I’m sure if I forced it he would do something about it but the whole thing makes my anxiety go through the roof. It’s just been easier to ignore it up until now, I know that probably makes me just as bad but it’s only now that it’s really bothering me.

OP posts:

Beamur · 21/04/2023 10:06

I would go. Take the trip in stages and have lots of breaks.
Babies are a good way to heal rifts.
If the wedding comes up - and you could bring it up - you could say that you're sorry if not being invited hurt their feelings, but you got the impression at the time that DH's Mum would be upset to not attend if other family were able to come, although since then she's clarified this was a misunderstanding.
Easier to move on perhaps if you do mention it and put it down to a misunderstanding (so it isn't anyone's fault).

Original poster

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:07

@Laiste thanks this made me feel better. I agree he needs to face up to it and I’ve probably enabled him ignoring it if I’m honest as it seemed easier for everyone

OP posts:

Laiste · 21/04/2023 10:07

Family stuff is shit OP.

Baby's arriving often throws it all in the air and forces stuff to be sorted out.

Think of it as a good thing.
But don't go driving miles with a newborn. Give it a few weeks.

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