New baby and DH family

[Familyproblems1]

Name changed in case it’s outing. Quite a bit of backstory.

DH and I got married in 2021 during Covid, cancelled our big wedding and had a very small registry office ceremony with my parents and his best friend and wife.

Main reason was we had found out we needed IVF and didn’t want to hang around waiting for Covid to end, at the time we had no idea how long it would be. And we’d already rearranged the wedding several times and quite frankly were fed up with it all.

DH immediate family live in Australia and they obviously couldn’t come. At the time it was pretty horrendous, and they made us feel awful. We already felt bad but had to make a hard decision. His mum told us that she would feel even worse on the day if members of his family who live in the UK were invited, she said she’d feel more left out. Despite me trying to get DH to invite at least grandparents he point blank refused after what his mum said and none of his family came. Since then I’ve been totally blanked by all of them, they stopped sending me birthday cards/presents and nobody has contacted me. Use to get the odd text from aunties and grandma. It turns out I’ve been blamed for them not being invited and his mum is conveniently going along with it and hasn’t told them it was actually her doing.

The issue is now, we’re due our first baby in the next few weeks and DH has mentioned a few times about us taking the baby to see the extended family when he’s born (3 hour drive). And his mum has also dropped a few hints about us taking the baby down to grandparents. The thing is I really don’t want to, nobody has spoken to me for 2 years, and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Do I suck it up and go down? Or point blank refuse given the background.
DH obviously can’t take baby on his own for a while as I’ll be breastfeeding and I don’t really want him to go off for a full day with baby in the beginning either. It’s really starting to stress me out and birth is getting closer.

tbh your DH needs to sort it and tell the family in the UK that it is nothing to do with you who was invited from his side, that it was his decision and why. (so: "since my own mum couldn't come i thought it better not to invite anyone, and I'm sorry, maybe that was wrong but i can't change it" type of thing)

Then he needs to bite the bullet and ask them why they think you are going to schlepp all around to see people who haven't contacted her since she married, and how they are going to repair their relationship with you.

But let him sort it all and keep saying "nope" and make DH understand that this isn't a you problem, it's a him problem.

If your DH wants to go ahead and show off the baby to extended family then he needs to call them before the baby is here to clarify that OP did nothing wrong, and that it was his choice. If they are willing to move past his choice and forgive him then you will come to see them as soon as the baby is able to travel for 3 hours. I would caveat that and say that it may be a while as it isn't safe to take a newborn that kind of distance. You could also invite them down to visit ahead of that just to show that you are willing, despite knowing that they are too frail.

Make sure you are around when DH clears things up OP. He seems quite weak for avoiding the issue and I therefore wouldn't be surprised if he didn't clear things up fully.

T h I'd just ignore all this for now. Things will change when the baby arrives and your husband probably wouldn't want to do a 3hr car journey with a small baby (with multiple stops because it's too long in a car seat for them so young).

And I'd not be entertaining any conversation about it because of how they've all treated you.

And I agree your husband has enabled them to think it was down to you.

Exactly. He’s annoyed at his mum. He’s annoyed at his relatives. He needs to self reflect and realise he’s actually annoyed at himself for allowing himself to be thus manipulated and for allowing you to be blamed. Then once he’s acknowledged the annoyance, he should darn well do something about it!

I would probably go and visit them all at some stage. And be apologetically ignorant-
"I'm so sorry you couldn't come to the wedding. MIL said she would be so sad if you came. I would love to have had you there. Isn't that right DH?"

Either his mother or your DH or you tell the family about the wedding, I wouldn't be tolerating people not speaking to me then letting them see the baby, you cone as a package.

That's a good way to nicely mend things too, casually drop it in conversation that husband was the one who wouldn't budge on them coming. Maybe in the mean time make sure they know you can't come straight away but will be to visit at some point but they too are welcome to visit if they want to meet the new baby sooner

In week 1? A 6 hour round trip?? Your DH is deluded. You need to wait until the baby is 3 months to do that sort of trip in any reasonable way. (even now mine are 3.5 and almost 2 a trip of that length doesn't fill me with joy). Newborns shouldn't be in car seats for more than 30 minutes. You will be having to breastfeed for hours each day. You'll be sleep deprived probably in pain etc etc. A 3 hour trip could end up taking about 12 and be miserable for all.

Quite apart from that I would be wanting the situation straightened out. Absolutely not acceptable that these people are freezing you out over something that wasn't your fault. It's your husband who has created this situation. He needs to stand up to his mother (thank goodness she lives in Australia)

Realistically great grandparents living 3 hours away, who can't travel, aren't going to having any meaningful relationship with the baby anyway so I wouldn't subject the baby to a tortuous car trip for such a nebulous benefit. Once the baby is much older then it is reasonable to do it for the grandparent's benefit.

DH’s family know about the baby that’s due? Then now is the time for them to build bridges. I would pencil in a potential date to go and visit them and make it clear to DH that the visit will only happen if contact has been made by them before the visit.

Or you can be more approachable and make the first move, by educating them about DH’s Mum’s attitude before the wedding.

I would wait for them to make the next move.

Thanks everyone , going to leave it here but it has been really helpful. I’ve definitely ‘blamed’ the mother in law a bit too much and overlooked that it was actually DH who didn’t invite them and his choice overall.
I’m going to stand firm and they won’t be seeing the baby until DH has made the situation right. I am very willing to be civil with them in the future for the sake of everyone but certainly won’t be making the first move so it’s really down to DH or indeed that side of the family to contact me for this to move forward at all. Thanks for all the advice, it’s been good to get different perspectives.

So dh grandparents could've gone to your wedding but dh didn't want them there because of something his dm said.

Dh could've sorted all the issues out with other family when he's seen them in the last 2 years...but hasn't?

Go with baby and drop into the conversation that it was all dm fault!! I'm sure if you explained as you have in your post, they would understand a bit better.

Yeah but they’re not a loving family: they’re horrible people. It’s not up to OP to travel 6+ hours with a baby to create relationships with people who’ll no doubt cut her off again in future over some other imagined slight.

Not sending a card doesn’t make them horrible people. From update it sounds like Op is hoping her Dh will explain/apologise and they’ll see his family going forward.