Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby and DH family

90 replies

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 09:28

Name changed in case it’s outing. Quite a bit of backstory.

DH and I got married in 2021 during Covid, cancelled our big wedding and had a very small registry office ceremony with my parents and his best friend and wife.

Main reason was we had found out we needed IVF and didn’t want to hang around waiting for Covid to end, at the time we had no idea how long it would be. And we’d already rearranged the wedding several times and quite frankly were fed up with it all.

DH immediate family live in Australia and they obviously couldn’t come. At the time it was pretty horrendous, and they made us feel awful. We already felt bad but had to make a hard decision. His mum told us that she would feel even worse on the day if members of his family who live in the UK were invited, she said she’d feel more left out. Despite me trying to get DH to invite at least grandparents he point blank refused after what his mum said and none of his family came. Since then I’ve been totally blanked by all of them, they stopped sending me birthday cards/presents and nobody has contacted me. Use to get the odd text from aunties and grandma. It turns out I’ve been blamed for them not being invited and his mum is conveniently going along with it and hasn’t told them it was actually her doing.

The issue is now, we’re due our first baby in the next few weeks and DH has mentioned a few times about us taking the baby to see the extended family when he’s born (3 hour drive). And his mum has also dropped a few hints about us taking the baby down to grandparents. The thing is I really don’t want to, nobody has spoken to me for 2 years, and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Do I suck it up and go down? Or point blank refuse given the background.
DH obviously can’t take baby on his own for a while as I’ll be breastfeeding and I don’t really want him to go off for a full day with baby in the beginning either. It’s really starting to stress me out and birth is getting closer.

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 21/04/2023 10:41

OP your DH's passivity has absolutely thrown you under the bus.

He decided due to his mothers demands not to invite his family to his own wedding. It was his decision. And he has let them simmer on it blaming you for years.

It's not ok from him. At all. If he's old enough to get married he's old enough to decide who to invite to his own wedding, and he did.

He should email everyone in the family, saying 'I've heard there's been ill feeling from some corners of the family about my wedding and I just want to clear the air before our baby arrives. To be clear, it was me who decided not to invite my UK based family. My parents were upset that they were missing out due to Covid and I wrongly thought that inviting other relatives in their place would make them feel worse. I regret that. My Wife OP told me at the time to invite everyone and I should have listened. I hope you can accept my belated apology and I look forward to introducing you all to my baby when he/she arrives.'

The family sound ridiculous but DH should be managing their ridiculousness and he isn't.

GerbilsForever24 · 21/04/2023 10:41

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:32

He hasn’t suggested going after 1 week!!! He hasn’t suggested any time frame.
I agree with everyone saying my husband needs to fix this and it’s down to him but he hasn’t ‘thrown me under the bus’. He could have definitely done more to resolve it though, I will speak to him when/if he brings it up again.

I doesn’t sound like I’m being unreasonable anyway so, I won’t be taking the baby to see them, he can either sort it out with them all and put them straight and then they are welcome to visit us, or if he doesn’t do that he can take the baby to visit when I feel comfortable with him being gone all day, I’m guessing at least 6 months +

OP - he absolutely has "thrown you under the bus". According to your OP, you begged him to invite extended family and he refused. And now YOU are being blamed and he is being seen as the victim of your mean and unkind behaviour.

The fact that you can't see that means that you have a long road ahead of you because he will do it again and again. It might be because he's damaged by an overbearing and manipulative mother, but that's not an excuse.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 10:42

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:38

@Robinni sorry but I don’t understand why you think this visit is about the needs of a baby? The baby won’t have a clue where he is or who these people are so how does it benefit the baby?
The visit would be about the needs of the extended family who want to see our newborn baby? Unless I’m missing something this doesn’t benefit the baby.

I think poster means longer term it’s good for baby to be part of a wider loving family.

Original poster
Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:43

@Gcsunnyside23 I know, I honestly thought they would. And I honestly would have moved on if I’d heard from them directly with a congratulations message.

I said to my own mum at the time I’m sure they will be in touch and I won’t hold a grudge it would be a good time to move on but there’s been nothing.

Yes DH is upset about it, I think he’s hurt and angry with them but he isn’t confrontational and he probably does sound like a pushover but it’s been easier to just move on with our lives. Especially with the immediate family in Australia there’s been no instances until now it’s really caused an issue. Probably the easy way out at the time but we are where we are I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:45

@Robinni @Dixiechickonhols ah I see ok, I’d never stop the baby having a relationship with any of them. He is welcome to take the baby whenever he wants when he’s old enough to be away from me if that’s how things continue.

OP posts:
Robinni · 21/04/2023 10:46

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:38

@Robinni sorry but I don’t understand why you think this visit is about the needs of a baby? The baby won’t have a clue where he is or who these people are so how does it benefit the baby?
The visit would be about the needs of the extended family who want to see our newborn baby? Unless I’m missing something this doesn’t benefit the baby.

@Familyproblems1

Not letting great grandparents see the baby reasonably swiftly (say 6-12wks) will exacerbate a situation that has already spiralled and run on too long.

It’s just creating further drama and fuss that nobody needs. And could potentially screw up the baby’s relationship with DH family for the long term.

Honestly I think it’s better for the long term needs of the child to draw a line under it and move on rather than harbour all this resentment. Who needs life to be so complicated. For the sake of a day out the whole thing could be resolved.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 10:50

Robinni · 21/04/2023 10:32

I think you need to go for the baby’s sake, they deserve a relationship with family and this is a good point to draw a line under what happened previously.

The bad blood with U.K. based family members was created by your choice to not invite them. Regardless of MIL influence from Australia, it was you and DH choice to not invite anyone else. So own that.

Barring your baby from relatives now because of your relationship with them won’t help your baby. This isn’t about you and your feelings this is about what the baby needs.

In what way would a newborn baby ‘benefit’ from a six-hour car journey and being in the presence of some other people?

They don’t know where they are. They can only see six inches. All they care about is mum, mainly, and food, and sleep, and food.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 10:54

Robinni · 21/04/2023 10:46

@Familyproblems1

Not letting great grandparents see the baby reasonably swiftly (say 6-12wks) will exacerbate a situation that has already spiralled and run on too long.

It’s just creating further drama and fuss that nobody needs. And could potentially screw up the baby’s relationship with DH family for the long term.

Honestly I think it’s better for the long term needs of the child to draw a line under it and move on rather than harbour all this resentment. Who needs life to be so complicated. For the sake of a day out the whole thing could be resolved.

Show quote history

Ah I see. Do you hear that @Familyproblems1?

Just swallow the mistreatment by your H’s family, just suppress all the problems caused by his interfering mother, ignore your own hurt about it, for the sake of their feelings. It’s what women do… 🙄

People who mistreat the child’s mother are no loss to a child. If they can own what they did, then the OP has shown she’s prepared to listen. She didn’t do anything wrong.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 10:54

And they are not entitled to a relationship with the OP’s baby.

Robinni · 21/04/2023 10:54

Familyproblems1 · 21/04/2023 10:45

@Robinni @Dixiechickonhols ah I see ok, I’d never stop the baby having a relationship with any of them. He is welcome to take the baby whenever he wants when he’s old enough to be away from me if that’s how things continue.

@Familyproblems1 with respect I don’t think it’s advisable to keep your family compartmentalised like this. And they are your family now too like it or not as you are married into it.

If you keep him bringing the baby/child without you it divides your family into two camps - him,child/ren,family all in one corner and you sitting on your ownio affronted because people were upset you didn’t invite them to your wedding, but invited your own family of origin.

What did you and DH expect?

I think you have to get him to do the muscle work to get rid of the elephant in the room if it’s causing that much bother.

Mainly I would stay United with your DH and child as a unit. Absolutely see family (when you are able - depends on birth, bf if you’re doing it, baby) by either having them to visit or going to them if frail. Because life is too short to be eaten up by all of this and the baby is the best chance of a fresh start now for you and for normal family relations for the child in future.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 11:00

Robinni · 21/04/2023 10:54

@Familyproblems1 with respect I don’t think it’s advisable to keep your family compartmentalised like this. And they are your family now too like it or not as you are married into it.

If you keep him bringing the baby/child without you it divides your family into two camps - him,child/ren,family all in one corner and you sitting on your ownio affronted because people were upset you didn’t invite them to your wedding, but invited your own family of origin.

What did you and DH expect?

I think you have to get him to do the muscle work to get rid of the elephant in the room if it’s causing that much bother.

Mainly I would stay United with your DH and child as a unit. Absolutely see family (when you are able - depends on birth, bf if you’re doing it, baby) by either having them to visit or going to them if frail. Because life is too short to be eaten up by all of this and the baby is the best chance of a fresh start now for you and for normal family relations for the child in future.

Show quote history

Why are you trying to force the OP into a room of people who are horrible to her?

MsRosley · 21/04/2023 11:04

Should you go to all the effort, at a very difficult time for you physically and emotionally, to see people who live some distance away and who blanked you for absolutely no good reason?

Why the hell would you? Tell your DH that they're welcome to visit you for a few hours if they're desperate to see the baby, and perhaps they could take the opportunity to apologise to you for their behaviour.

Robinni · 21/04/2023 11:05

OP forgive me, forgot MN etiquette. Absolutely be consumed by your feelings of anger, resentment and distrust. Dig deep and hold those grudges, be appalled at everyone’s behaviour being less than perfect. Isolate yourself and destroy your child’s family cohesion and interactions with family members. Blame your husband for everything, in fact go as far as to LTB as all men are useless anyway. And just generally be miserable sitting tapping away onto social media about your problems rather than solving them because that is going to make you so happy!

Sorry, but I get sick of all the negativity on here. You have the power rn to meet this head on, with DH - who should do the most legwork - in order to put the whole mess behind you. The MIL is thankfully in Aus and appears to be the major issue, but your DH doing her bidding and you going along with it are equally responsible for the current situation.

I hope you are able to move past what went on with the wedding and have healthier relations in future. Wishing you well with the birth and enjoying your beautiful new baby.

Daffodilmorning · 21/04/2023 11:06

I wouldn’t drive my newborn 3 hours each way for anyone, never mind people who had been rude for no reason.

I have a 4 month old and NCT advised no car journeys over 20 minutes for the first four weeks, then no longer than 2 hours after that.

ShowUs · 21/04/2023 11:06

I think this is a great way to build bridges and mend the relationships for your child’s sake.

I think the more support you have, the better and mending the relationship could work in your favour.

Its also a chance for DH to put things right and talk through what actually happened and tell them how you were not responsible at all.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 11:06

Realistically if you don’t see them baby won’t have a relationship and it will carry on being awkward.
If it is just a misunderstanding and can be fixed by dh being clear and apologising and you all moving on I’d try. If they won’t and continue to ignore you then at least you know you tried.

sanabria · 21/04/2023 11:07

Not a chance. They can come to you.
Unbelievably selfish of them to put a newborn and sleep deprived parents through a massive journey just so they can see baby.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 11:12

Unless there’s a lot more to it it sounds more like they haven’t been rude to op’s face just stopped sending her a card and odd message - a if she cba we cba type thing.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 11:20

Robinni · 21/04/2023 11:05

OP forgive me, forgot MN etiquette. Absolutely be consumed by your feelings of anger, resentment and distrust. Dig deep and hold those grudges, be appalled at everyone’s behaviour being less than perfect. Isolate yourself and destroy your child’s family cohesion and interactions with family members. Blame your husband for everything, in fact go as far as to LTB as all men are useless anyway. And just generally be miserable sitting tapping away onto social media about your problems rather than solving them because that is going to make you so happy!

Sorry, but I get sick of all the negativity on here. You have the power rn to meet this head on, with DH - who should do the most legwork - in order to put the whole mess behind you. The MIL is thankfully in Aus and appears to be the major issue, but your DH doing her bidding and you going along with it are equally responsible for the current situation.

I hope you are able to move past what went on with the wedding and have healthier relations in future. Wishing you well with the birth and enjoying your beautiful new baby.

No, she should just stay at home and give no headspace at all to these horrible people. Any ‘missing out’ on a relationship with the baby is their doing, not hers.

She can stay home and when the baby is old enough, the H can take them for a visit if he wants and she can have a lovely day to herself.

Easy. I don’t think the OP is anything like that hyperbolic description of yours, and consumed by ‘anger, resentment and distrust’.

Robinni · 21/04/2023 11:29

@Peapodburgundybouquet

I don’t think the OP is anything like that hyperbolic description of yours, and consumed by ‘anger, resentment and distrust’.

I was being sarcastic about the sort of crappy angry advice that gets spouted so frequently on MN, not casting aspersions on OP’s character.

So often people want to hold on to all their grief about everything, rather than solve problems, be the bigger person and move on.

Not suggesting that OP should love these people, spend all her time with them and have as her nearest and dearest. But to take responsibility for her part in all this and try and sort it out/move on. So there can be a happier family situation for the child.

cannaecookrisotto · 21/04/2023 11:29

You shouldn't leave newborns in car seats for long periods due to them not being able to support their heads.

Have a Google but I wouldn't be doing it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2023 11:32

Why the actual fuck has DH allowed you to be the fall guy on this????

"I decided, not OP, not to extend an invitation because I felt that if my mum couldn't come I shouldn't invite anyone else"

sunflowersd · 21/04/2023 12:01

I’d go visit them before the baby was born. Have a baby moon weekend in their area and ask to pop in to see them (hopefully this will clear the air.) Ask for some photos to put up in the babies room. Let them see that you want them to be family. If they don’t welcome you then you know what to do when baby comes but at least you have hopefully smoothed things out before the sleepless nights etc. It wasn’t your fault, but they got hurt and felt left out so giving an olive branch by showing you so think they are important might heal things and make it so much easier in the future.

Goldbar · 21/04/2023 12:17

There are two separate issues here.

Should they try to fix the relationship? Perhaps, but given that the OP has been cast as the fall guy, this needs to be cleared up, apologies need to be made and her husband needs to take the lead.

Should the OP and her newborn baby do a 6-hour round trip by car to see these people less than a fortnight after she's given birth. Fuck no! And if these people can't accept that, then maybe it's best on all sides for the relationship to remain estranged.

Swipe left for the next trending thread