New baby and DH family

[Familyproblems1]

Name changed in case it’s outing. Quite a bit of backstory.

DH and I got married in 2021 during Covid, cancelled our big wedding and had a very small registry office ceremony with my parents and his best friend and wife.

Main reason was we had found out we needed IVF and didn’t want to hang around waiting for Covid to end, at the time we had no idea how long it would be. And we’d already rearranged the wedding several times and quite frankly were fed up with it all.

DH immediate family live in Australia and they obviously couldn’t come. At the time it was pretty horrendous, and they made us feel awful. We already felt bad but had to make a hard decision. His mum told us that she would feel even worse on the day if members of his family who live in the UK were invited, she said she’d feel more left out. Despite me trying to get DH to invite at least grandparents he point blank refused after what his mum said and none of his family came. Since then I’ve been totally blanked by all of them, they stopped sending me birthday cards/presents and nobody has contacted me. Use to get the odd text from aunties and grandma. It turns out I’ve been blamed for them not being invited and his mum is conveniently going along with it and hasn’t told them it was actually her doing.

The issue is now, we’re due our first baby in the next few weeks and DH has mentioned a few times about us taking the baby to see the extended family when he’s born (3 hour drive). And his mum has also dropped a few hints about us taking the baby down to grandparents. The thing is I really don’t want to, nobody has spoken to me for 2 years, and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Do I suck it up and go down? Or point blank refuse given the background.
DH obviously can’t take baby on his own for a while as I’ll be breastfeeding and I don’t really want him to go off for a full day with baby in the beginning either. It’s really starting to stress me out and birth is getting closer.

@Peapodburgundybouquet 😂 you’ve basically summarised how I feel inside

Years ago I had a partner whose grandmother and aunties hated me because of where I come from, not because of anything I ever did or said. I was also shunned for years which was upsetting because I was really young and wanted to all get on.

Realising that nothing I could say or do was freeing for me, because I knew it couldn't get any worse so what was the point to worry about it. Obviously it's nice to get on, have extended family in your life and your child's but you can't control whether that is possible because you can't control these people and their disrespect of you. You don't need them, they have no power over you.

If your husband wants his child to have a relationship with them he has had a couple of years to sort it and have proper direct conversations about their treatment of you but he hasn't. If you're not going to stand up for yourself, who will? Next time your MIL mentions them I'd ask her, with genuine confusion, how she expects your baby to meet them when you, the baby's mother, have not been welcome round them for years? Genuinely get her to think about that before the baby comes. Maybe if she realises you are the gatekeeper to the new family toy she would pull her finger out her arse and do something to mitigate the damage she caused. The reason nobody has done anything so far is that they all think you will let them take your baby off you, let them disrespect you in front of your own child or let them continue to shun you. Let them see that won't happen and maybe things will change.

If it were me, I'd only visit on the condition that DH contacts his family, queries the silence and ensures they know they didn't get an invite so as not to upset his mum.

I dont see this as a mil issue tbh. Your DH chose not to invite his extended family and chose not to speak to them to explain why. It's high time he does.

1. Not a bloody chance. They treat you like crap over the wedding and can’t even be bothered to say congrats on the baby but want to meet the baby when it’s here? Hahahahaha tell them all to fuck off. You’ll only see them when his mum fixes things and they all apologise properly.

2. A 6 hour round trip with a newborn baby is utterly ridiculous. They can’t even be in a car seat for more than about 2 hours at a time. Your husband is insane if he thinks it’s doable.

3. Get Skype or Zoom if you want to baby to meet people but don’t want to travel. If they don’t like it tough luck. The needs of a mum who’s just given birth and a newborn baby come above the wants of a bunch of selfish nasty people.

Also next time your husband says it would be nice for them to see baby you say "yes it would be really nice, what a shame it isn't possible as they've cut me out and I won't be separated from my newborn for any reason"

Driving that distance with small baby is not easy or simple in first few months. Nowt to do with family estrangement
tell your DH this - that baby can’t sit in car seat for hours if tiny - needs to be flat. You’ll be needing to pull over at random to breast feed, change nappy. It’ll take way longer that your old journey time. Never mind if you’ve got birth injuries. And you’ll both be knackered and sleep deprived so sitting in a car wide awake for 3-4 or even 5 hours due to baby’s demand is going to be a utter fuck waste of otherwise sleeping time

tackle that first. Say anyone who wants to meet the baby needs to come to you until baby is sleeping a least half way decent routines and is sitting up so can sit in car seat more safely. And you’ve healed etc. I’d say at least 4 months

similalry I’d be saying all family visiting can’t stay in your home for more than x amounts of nights with exception of your female relatives in first few weeks. Cite need for privacy when establishing breastfeeding, post partum comfort and privacy if dealing with all biological aftermarth etc. Tell him that he needs to support visit by doing majority of work needed to host, and setting down ground rules for relatives/friends about not being waited on hand and foot. Be sure he understands that visit should be short and sweet, not people turning up to view a new mum and new baby as spectator sport

Then it becomes a much more sensible conversation about his rights to host his family in his own home. Which frankly you can’t object to, .

He is either absolutely crazy or a bit dim to think you're necessarily going to be capable of a 6 hour round trip the week after your baby is born.

You could still be in hospital or unable to sit down comfortably. You'll probably still be bleeding. Depending on what's happening with breastfeeding, you could be expressing for hours or making up bottles. You will be exhausted and potentially emotional too.

If you want to bury the hatchet, go - but this is not a trip for the first few weeks of your baby's life.

I wouldn’t go. Fuck em. They’d manage the drive if they wanted to, but a newborn wouldn’t – they’re not meant to be in a car seat that long. Plus if you want to get breastfeeding established, it’s a time to be sitting on the sofa topless with the baby and cake, putting a jumper on for visitors, but basically feeding relentlessly for the first couple of months. Not a six-hour round trip to see people who’ve behaved so horrendously.

That’s crazy! week 1 (and indeed the first few months) of having a baby is for you (the new mum) to do whatever you need to do, and what the baby needs you to do.

It does not include using the baby as an olive branch to sweep everything under the rug (mixing my metaphors there).

I think your DH is hugely naive about what the first weeks will be like.

Just say you can’t commit to going anywhere so soon.

Well if there is to be any sort of resolution, then something / someone needs to give a bit. I've been in similar situations and it's stuck in my throat, but I've been the 'bigger person' and made the effort but it's been really hard. I'd say that a better approach is to try and clear the air and that would need your husband to step up and take charge of that.

He needs to speak to them and tell them that them blaming and then subsequently ignoring you has been hurtful and unfair. He needs to make it clear that that isn't acceptable and if they want to enjoy a relationship with you all moving forward, that has to stop and they should also acknowledge and apologise for things. He needs to explain that from your perspective, they haven't wanted anything to do with you, but now you're having a baby, they now have decided you're worth knowing again because they want to see the baby. If there was no baby coming, seemingly they'd continue to ignore (punish?) you? They need to understand that that's not on and it's hurtful.

I would say to DH that he can arrange a visit for when the baby is 3 months old. Gives you time to recover and baby's immunity to develop etc.

I would however say to him that this visit will ONLY happen if in the time between now and then that HE sorts out the issues with his family, making sure that they know that you are not responsible for the wedding and that they all owe you an apology for taking that out on you. If he does not make this effort then you do not wish to see his family at all or hear any more about them and that he can take the child by himself when they are old enough to communicate (1yr+?).

He has let you down badly on this and I would wanting this agreement in place now so that it does not continue to stress you through your pregnancy / early days which will impact baby too.

I had a c section and being in a car with any sudden moves or bumps was very uncomfortable even after a week. I think it would be the same if you needed stitches or there was any tearing. Did your husband not stick up for you while you were being scapegoated? Fuck them, they treated you like shit. Why should you brush everything under the carpet just because they want to cuddle a new baby?

You will introduce the baby to them at some point I'm sure. See how the birth goes first and then decide about the right time. Mending those fences is up to him though and he'd better explain the situation to them in full.

This is totally on your husband. He made a decision and has been happy to sit back and let his entire family blame you for it. And he’s never confronted them or corrected them. That’s completely shameful and pathetic. the family dynamic is irrelevant, he’s happy to throw you under a bus rather than face the consequences of his actions.

stop pandering to him. Stop enabling him. Ask yourself what kind of example he (and you!) are or will be setting for your child. You are his family. He should be sticking up for you and owning his own behaviour to his family.

think very carefully about what kind of future you’ll have with this “man”.

I would be asking him what preparation he has done to support you during labour and for the first few weeks after birth.

I think he needs to do a bit of research and get his priorities in order!

No chance would I be travelling that distance with a new baby. Your dh needs to pull up his big boy pants and sort this out!

I'm really sorry but you have a much bigger problem here.... with your DH. Not only is he NOT standing up for you, he's happily letting you take the blame for a decision HE made. His mum guilt tripped him but he was the one who decided not to invite family.

This does not bode well. It's bad enough when the DH doesn't back up his wife to his family when they're mean to her for no reason. But when she's been blamed for HIS decisions and he's happy to let her take the blame.... well, I don't see this going well long term.

I'd be telling him he accepts responsibility for HIS decision now, or you might have to rethink any engagement with any of his family, and him, ever again.

I know this seems harsh. But think about it - if someone else did something and blamed you wouldn't you fight your own corner relentlessly?

I think you need to go for the baby’s sake, they deserve a relationship with family and this is a good point to draw a line under what happened previously.

The bad blood with U.K. based family members was created by your choice to not invite them. Regardless of MIL influence from Australia, it was you and DH choice to not invite anyone else. So own that.

Barring your baby from relatives now because of your relationship with them won’t help your baby. This isn’t about you and your feelings this is about what the baby needs.

He hasn’t suggested going after 1 week!!! He hasn’t suggested any time frame.
I agree with everyone saying my husband needs to fix this and it’s down to him but he hasn’t ‘thrown me under the bus’. He could have definitely done more to resolve it though, I will speak to him when/if he brings it up again.

I doesn’t sound like I’m being unreasonable anyway so, I won’t be taking the baby to see them, he can either sort it out with them all and put them straight and then they are welcome to visit us, or if he doesn’t do that he can take the baby to visit when I feel comfortable with him being gone all day, I’m guessing at least 6 months +

He’s annoyed with them for how they’ve acted but he hasn’t spoken to any of them about it. It’s sort of the elephant in the room when he visits but it’s not been an issue up until the baby coming. His mum is very controlling and domineering and I know he finds it difficult to confront her. Not an excuse just the family dynamic.

He didn't need to confront his mum, he just needed to tell the UK relatives that it was his mum who told him not to invite them.

The fact that he would rather see you ostracised for 2 years whilst continuing to see the relatives himself instead of standing up for you shows he's a bit selfish tbh.

He can make reparations by finally explaining to them that it was his mum all along.

An alternative thought...

Do you have addresses of relatives who might be open to you? If you do I would write it all down in a letter.
Tell them that you felt kicked out of the family after the wedding, that the wedding non-invite was DHs doing at his mother's insistence (they know her - they will know this is true once said - whether they believe or not ...) and tell them that despite his mother's expectations you will not bring a baby into a space where its mother is so ostracised.

And sit back and wait. What response you get will be telling.

Sorry I misread as “he has suggested going in week 1” 😅

@Robinni sorry but I don’t understand why you think this visit is about the needs of a baby? The baby won’t have a clue where he is or who these people are so how does it benefit the baby?
The visit would be about the needs of the extended family who want to see our newborn baby? Unless I’m missing something this doesn’t benefit the baby.

I can't believe they didn't reach out when he said you were pregnant! I would go further and be very firm with him that as of the way things are right now that visits to his family in Australia too with your child won't be happening unless he straightens things with his mum as I'm sure it'll come up in the future too. She sounds nasty and he sounds like a pushover that he can't address this properly with his mum that he didn't even reach out to you about her grandchild. Is he not upset too?

I wouldn’t rush I’d go when you feel up to it. It’s a big drive with a new baby.
It could be a good chance to heal things and move on. Everyone loves babies. Especially If you’ve previously had an ok relationship.
I’d definitely not shy away from being clear about dh mum banning them from ceremony. She put your dh in an awful situation.