How do people live

[pinkshoes87]

I just don't get it... as adults we are meant to pay bills and have savings... pay for kids weddings and uni...HOW????

I earn 28k, get small amount of tax credits and child benefit...

Mortgage is 570, after bills I have nothing and I mean NOTHING.

My car is a 2009 diesel owned outright... I do commute so that's 3 tanks a month (£250-300)

One child in childcare (£25 per week breakfast club plus £80 per week holidays)

I am in despair... I need bathroom repairs, a new kitchen, new flooring and garage fixing (and these are needs not wants, it's all falling apart and my garage roof is fucked)... can't see me ever saving for it and can’t get a loan cos don't have any money for repayments!!!

Surely this isn't normal?!!!

I don't spend anything on luxuries. My phone is PAYG £9 per month. I don't have tv package. I do have internet plus Netflix but I only pay half towards Netflix as I share with a friend (sshhh). I take lunch to work and kids take lunch to school. I cook from scratch and buy cheap food. I don't go out at all anywhere. No takeaways or treats. No clothes or anything for me.

My outgoings are literally bills, food and diesel. Plus whatever kids need.

Is this the new normal????

Given everything you have said I suspect your only option is to look for a better paying job, ideally closer to your home. What is it you do? Is there potential for you to progress in industry?

Could you find a WFH job (doing something different to what you're currently doing)? That would reduce your fuel bill.

Have a look at civil service roles which are often wfh

You will almost certainly be far far better off if you apply for universal credit and move off tax credits. UC is much better for single working parents.

Could you consider moving close to work, to a more modern property that doesn't need the maintenance yours does? I know the kids might not want to move. Just putting it out there.

I can't leave my husband for the reasons you describe and because I don't want to move the kids from their friends and school. But there are cheaper new builds about 40 mins from me and close to my work, so if I could get my head round moving the kids then that would be a much better option for me as a single parent. I'd also have to consider a 2 bed house, with the kids having the bedrooms and me on a decent sofa bed in the lounge.

Unfortunately it just is extremely difficult to live as a single parent now. Almost impossible, in fact. There will be many many people staying in abusive relationships with no way out.

I wouldn't say it's the 'new normal' but it is normal, or at least not unusual, for people with young children to struggle as you do, even more so for a single parent. Husband and I (not wishing to sound like the late Queen), did and that was very many years ago. I'm not saying we never had any good times but being so hard up was awful.

All I can say to you is that it doesn't last forever, gradually things do get better and one day you will be out of the hole. That doesn't help you right now of course.

When we were eventually on an even keel we said we would never let a child of ours go through the same if we were able to help them (we stuck to that). It may be character building but the stress was unbelievable so you have my sympathy.

The only thing I can tentatively suggest is that you look for a better paying job, however that depends on how confident you are. Starting a new job is venturing into the unknown and your own comfort/security in employment is very important.

I earn more than you, and am a single mum to a 4yo. 950 rent, 1000 childcare. You're right. It's crippling. No idea what the answer is.

🤣 Have you read OP's post. If commuting takes 3 tanks of diesel a month that's a hell of a lot of walking!

Probably £300-400 a month from UC (more if childcare is higher) depending on if first child was born before 2017 and how much pension contributions.

I just want to say, as one widow to another, it is hard. Not just financially but keeping the whole darn thing afloat, being both parents, attending to their emotional needs as well as physical. I have ended up finding money for therapy as there's not much help out there once mine hit the teen years and started to struggle. I know these things aren't unique to widows, but it is hard, and the bereavement payment is only for 18 months from the death, so you won't be getting that now.

Hugs. I think you have had some great advice on the financial front but I just wanted to wish you solidarity.

Please stop giving crap advice ! Do we even knowhow old op's kids are. The benefits system is changing and even lone parents are expected to look for a lot more hours now and it changed further in the recent budget. Unless you have kids under 5 there is no option to work 16 hours. Also the threshold for free school meals is extremely low - something like 7k of earnings.

OP, is there any chance you could live and work near to your brother, to reduce your fuel costs?

That's the only change I can think of that may significantly reduce your outgoings. What income does your brother have? Can he help with the cost at all? I know it might feel 'wrong' to ask, but you're in a very difficult situation, so needs must. Also, have you seen if you'll be better off on universal credit?

How much is your house worth and how much is your mortgage? It might be worth selling it as a doer upper and renting as you'd get help with the cost as long as your savings were below £16k. Staying in a house you can't afford to run due to catestrophic change in circumstances might not be the best move.

Also, did you appeal the life insurance decision? Or was it clear cut that it wouldn't pay out - it's not a given that certain causes of deaths are excluded.

I'm sorry, it so tough. Is looking for a new job with the same or higher pay, working from home or very close to home an option? Appreciate it might not be, but that would really reduce the fuel and maybe wraparound care costs as you wouldn't need to leave as early to get so far to work?

Also it's not much but any little helps- I've found it quite easy to sell on Vinted. Any clothes the kids have grown out of, anything you don't use anymore. I know that's not going to solve the problem but it could be a little bit extra.

Similar situation here, I work, get some UC and a monthly pittance from ex for 3 children. I have found a job that I walk to but still struggle. I find it hard to comprehend how our quality of life has dipped in the last few years. I used to take my kids to gymnastics/dance but I stopped that and now we are lucky 2 go to the cinema a few times a year and have a yearly day out.

My oldest is soon 17 and I have friends buying their kids cars and driving lessons. Definitely not an option for me! Difference is that they have husbands earning good money or help from their own parents.

This was so lovely thank you xx

No, I asked this. He's in Birmingham and I'm in a remote village near tamworth, they won't go out of his city which is absolutely ridiculous!!!

Lots of great ideas on here thank you. And thank you to the widows too, solidarity means a lot. Just knowing I'm not alone has made me feel a bit better. It's really hard isn't it

Why do you need to drive? What is your job / sector?

Are you sure you are not able to find a better paid job/ and more remote?

She needs to drive to get to work and to her brother as she clearly said.

Mental health, for the NHS. I live in a village, nearest place I could work is approx 5 miles or so nearer than where I currently work.
So I have to commute. And unfortunately I couldn't do so by train as it would mean I'd need childcare for the travel time (which considering where I live, could be as much as 3 hours as would have to go into the city to get another train). I can't car share as everyone else lives near work. Literally everyone.

Remote working isn't possible sadly in this job and if I'm honest, most jobs are approx 21-23k so I am paid well for what I do, but it just isn't enough sadly.