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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older kids sharing room

94 replies

Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 12:40

Hi
i have 3 stepkids, 2 boys ages 12 & 13, and a step daughter aged 9.
DH & I also have a baby boy together who sleeps in his own room. Step daughter also has her own room.
the issue we currently have is the 12 & 13 year old share a room, they always have, but are no longer happy to do so.
We moved while pregnant and they seemed on board with the plans the rooms etc. we had said once baby is sleeping through night they one of them can share with baby (they seemed excited about this and fighting over who would share with baby. It seems they would rather share with baby than with each other but they seem less into that now too).
they resent that fact that step daughter always has, and always will have her own room claiming we are biased and she is clearly the favourite etc, not only because she has her own room, but because we were given an old sofa bed by a friend, that fits in her room, so we didn’t have to buy her a bed etc but they think it’s not fair she gets it. It wouldn’t fit in their room & she only uses it as a bed.
I feel so guilty lately, because they are the oldest and the situation means the oldest are the ones sharing.
baby is sleeping through night more often these days and I would love my son to experience sharing a room (I have very fond memories of sharing a room).
I do worry no one will actually want to share with the baby when it comes to it. Not for the baby but for the older two.
we have bought them storage beds and a storage unit to divide the room but can’t think what else to do?

i suggested to DH we sleep on the sofas until one of them moves out but he’s not for that.
we would struggle to fit a cot in our bedroom but we did give the big room to the boys so maybe could swap although might still be a struggle but maybe their are small beds or we co sleep? Although I don’t think DH is onto co sleeping either….
I don’t think sharing is that bad by then that’s my own personal experience of it so it’s unfair of me to say that really.
they do have their own room at their mums. Their mum has a box room so they could have the big rooms.

I guess i never realised what a big deal it could be until recently they have been banging on walls and doors and yelling how much they hate this house & that it is so biased etc and that they would be kind to us if they gave us their own room like their sister.

for some reason they seem to understand that baby has his own room (but maybe that’s just what we see or they just don’t want us know how they feel etc although they do dote on their baby brother ).

every time their sister gets something they get upset. Even we spent way more on them at Christmas etc but they always look to what sister has. I think it’s all to do with the bedroom really.

I feel so bad and just wondering suggestions what we could do to make the boys feel kore comfortable here. :(

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 20/04/2023 12:43

Is there anywhere else in your house you could create a den? Not to sleep in but so that they have space from each other?

Mycathatesmecuddling · 20/04/2023 12:45

There are plenty of posters on MN who will tell you that children should never have to share a room, but the reality is generations of children have shared room and it wont hurt them.

I think expecting boys getting close to puberty to share a room with a baby is madness though, they need to share with each other

I would be more concerned that they are ganging up against their sister and constantly measuring what they have against her as if they expect her to have less

You seem to be trying to fix this by spending more on them. So the sister recieves less because the boys shout louder, thats an unhealthy dynamic

I think some counselling would be good if you can afford it. But dont give into aggressive demands (banging and shouting and promises of kindness if they get their own way) that is not the way to bring boys up

flutterbyebaby · 20/04/2023 12:47

I'm actually quite laid back with kids, but honestly I'd serve those lads arses to them on a platter. Do you ever just tell them to shut the fuck up and deal with it.

HippeePrincess · 20/04/2023 12:48

They’re behaving like entitled brats and I wouldn’t be doing anything for them in terms of making changes whilst they behave like that! I also don’t think sharing with the baby is a good idea either, why on Earth would you offer to sleep downstairs when they have a perfectly good bedroom?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/04/2023 12:48

Of course she needs her own space as a girl, but at their ages, totally reasonable to want/need their own privacy of their own rooms too. Personally i don't agree with having more children than you can provide their own rooms for, and one sharing with baby isn't a solution as it will be dominated by the baby. Babys stuff, then toddler stuff, restricted to time when baby is napping/sleeping etc, they can't have personal space. No wonder they're acting out, they feel lesser than their sister, and their half baby brother, who both get prioritised and their own rooms.
Is there no way you can take the biggest room back and baby shares with you, and they get your room and babys room as their rooms each?

PineappleLatte · 20/04/2023 12:51

Ask them what their solution is. What do they think would be fair on everyone etc.

MaydinEssex · 20/04/2023 12:52

Do they live with you full time? Could you put a stud wall up so they have separate 'rooms'?

Middletoleft · 20/04/2023 12:54

Sounds like the logistics mean they're going to have to put up and shut up.

An alternative is for your SD and baby to share but as baby gets older the logistics would have to change again.

I'm unsurprised DH is less than impressed at the idea of being relegated to the sofa!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/04/2023 12:54

They are being utter brats.

They don’t get to hold you to ransom like this. They’ll be nice to you if they get their own way, is it? That wouldn’t wash for a minute.

Of course their sister needs her own room, she is a girl and they are both boys. Sounds as though they like to gang up on her any bully her, and can’t stand her getting anything for herself. It’s very telling that they don’t mind the baby - boy - getting his own room.

Just stick with them sharing and having the rooms divided with storage units. Have consequences like turning off the Wifi if they misbehave.

Honestly, I’d be worrying about how they treat their sister generally. Do you get on with their Mum in order to chat about this?

FlounderingFruitcake · 20/04/2023 12:54

I think your biggest concern should be for their sister. It can’t be very nice having less spent on you at Christmas, having your brothers get upset whenever you get given something and hearing constant complaints that you get your own room when it’s blatantly obvious even to a 12 and 13YO why the bedroom arrangement is the way it is. They are far too old to be behaving like this and I don’t think you should pander to it.

And no one of them shouldn’t share with the baby. Even a pen lid left on the floor after homework could be a choking hazard to a toddler, bedtimes and wake ups aren’t compatible. It’s not an experience for the baby to have and great that you have fond memories of it but your stepsons will be young adults before your DS remembers anything.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 12:59

PuttingDownRoots · 20/04/2023 12:43

Is there anywhere else in your house you could create a den? Not to sleep in but so that they have space from each other?

Unfortunately there is no other space other than the sitting room. And we have a small kitchen :/
we had looked at more affordable 5 beds outside the city but the boys at the time didn’t want that and preferred to be in the city even if it meant still sharing a room.
ironic they refuse to be seen out with us in public unless we leave the city!

OP posts:
RomanticizingHeroine · 20/04/2023 13:00

Only on MN are people aghast at same sex children sharing a room.

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 13:00

Very strange that u would want an older child to share with a baby and that u think they would be happy.
Move in to the bigger bedroom, keep the baby with u, give the boys a room each.
Y are u spending more on the boys than the girl, u r just showing them that u r unfair.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:00

Mycathatesmecuddling · 20/04/2023 12:45

There are plenty of posters on MN who will tell you that children should never have to share a room, but the reality is generations of children have shared room and it wont hurt them.

I think expecting boys getting close to puberty to share a room with a baby is madness though, they need to share with each other

I would be more concerned that they are ganging up against their sister and constantly measuring what they have against her as if they expect her to have less

You seem to be trying to fix this by spending more on them. So the sister recieves less because the boys shout louder, thats an unhealthy dynamic

I think some counselling would be good if you can afford it. But dont give into aggressive demands (banging and shouting and promises of kindness if they get their own way) that is not the way to bring boys up

Thanks for tour advice. Yes I think I do give in to demands too much as I feel so bad. It’s not a healthy dynamic at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:02

RomanticizingHeroine · 20/04/2023 13:00

Only on MN are people aghast at same sex children sharing a room.

I honestly never realised how bad it was as I shared until I moved out and I loved it. But I get that’s my own personal experience. I thought it was fairly normal though

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:03

@Ellie43 How often are they with you? I think that’s very relevant here.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:04

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 13:00

Very strange that u would want an older child to share with a baby and that u think they would be happy.
Move in to the bigger bedroom, keep the baby with u, give the boys a room each.
Y are u spending more on the boys than the girl, u r just showing them that u r unfair.

Yes it’s true we have spent more on the boys room to try and make it more comfortable etc. Perhaps over compensating that they are the only ones that have to share.
we could go in the bigger room with baby but they will have to have a tiny bed if that even fits. Or just share a bed with us

OP posts:
Sissynova · 20/04/2023 13:04

Personally i don't agree with having more children than you can provide their own rooms for

This has to be the most mental thing I’ve read today.
It is such a new phenomenon to have kids all alone in their own rooms.
It has been common throughout history for siblings to share and in reality many many siblings share rooms now.
It’s not even always down to ‘not being able to provide’ a separate bedroom.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:04

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:03

@Ellie43 How often are they with you? I think that’s very relevant here.

Every other weekend. 2 weeks in summer and half the other holidays.

OP posts:
Mycathatesmecuddling · 20/04/2023 13:04

Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 12:59

Unfortunately there is no other space other than the sitting room. And we have a small kitchen :/
we had looked at more affordable 5 beds outside the city but the boys at the time didn’t want that and preferred to be in the city even if it meant still sharing a room.
ironic they refuse to be seen out with us in public unless we leave the city!

Show quote history

They are 12 and 13 why are they being allowed to dictate so many choices?

Its not up to them where you live, who shares a bedroom, where they are seen with you. You are giving them too much power and now they are abusing it.

At the moment you have a 12 and a 13 year old using aggression and shouting to try to get their own way, bulling their sister and their mum is putting herself last by having the smallest bedroom and you (also female) are considering not having a bedroom at all to give into them

At 12 and 13 this is still salvageable and controllable. But if they turn into men who think that if they shout and hit things that they will get their own way and its okay to expect to dictate what they want and for the women in their life to get less and take up less space then how will they end up?

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:06

Sissynova · 20/04/2023 13:04

Personally i don't agree with having more children than you can provide their own rooms for

This has to be the most mental thing I’ve read today.
It is such a new phenomenon to have kids all alone in their own rooms.
It has been common throughout history for siblings to share and in reality many many siblings share rooms now.
It’s not even always down to ‘not being able to provide’ a separate bedroom.

I always shared and thought it was normal so I guess I’ve been naive about the whole thing. They seemed fine about it before :/
there was the option to love out the city for more space but the boys didn’t want that as they wanted to be closer to their friends

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2023 13:07

I feel so guilty lately, because they are the oldest and the situation means the oldest are the ones sharing.

I hate this attitude, which seems really prevalent on MN. Why should the oldest have more of a claim on their own room? Is it just tradition? Seems just typical first born golden child syndrome to me.

It sounds like their behaviour about this is dreadful. I think they need to suck it up, frankly.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:08

Mycathatesmecuddling · 20/04/2023 13:04

They are 12 and 13 why are they being allowed to dictate so many choices?

Its not up to them where you live, who shares a bedroom, where they are seen with you. You are giving them too much power and now they are abusing it.

At the moment you have a 12 and a 13 year old using aggression and shouting to try to get their own way, bulling their sister and their mum is putting herself last by having the smallest bedroom and you (also female) are considering not having a bedroom at all to give into them

At 12 and 13 this is still salvageable and controllable. But if they turn into men who think that if they shout and hit things that they will get their own way and its okay to expect to dictate what they want and for the women in their life to get less and take up less space then how will they end up?

Show quote history

OMG!!! This is such an eye opener!!!
I have tried to be so nice and patient and understanding. I was even honest with them how bad I felt and I wish i could do more. But you are right to point this out. Longer term how do we want them to be? And now I have a baby son & I have to think about who his role
models will be and I realise how weak I am being :(

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:09

Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:04

Every other weekend. 2 weeks in summer and half the other holidays.

Show quote history

Oh well then honestly, they can share. They have their own space at their Mums, it would be highly inappropriate for your step daughter to share with them and the resident child deserves their own room or you are just definitely going to have problems in the future when he’s fed up - someone coming into his personal space every other week, how is he supposed to live like that?

You seem really kind and they are lucky to have you but it’s important you get some perspective here, they just need to get on with it… it would be different if they lived with you 50% of the time as everyone deserves some breathing space but it’s every other weekend - it’s fine.

Original poster
Ellie43 · 20/04/2023 13:10

HippeePrincess · 20/04/2023 12:48

They’re behaving like entitled brats and I wouldn’t be doing anything for them in terms of making changes whilst they behave like that! I also don’t think sharing with the baby is a good idea either, why on Earth would you offer to sleep downstairs when they have a perfectly good bedroom?

I don’t know this is just how I am. I always did what my siblings wanted too… ive always put others first but in this situation it’s so hard to do what everyone wants…

OP posts:
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