Older kids sharing room

[Ellie43]

Hi
i have 3 stepkids, 2 boys ages 12 & 13, and a step daughter aged 9.
DH & I also have a baby boy together who sleeps in his own room. Step daughter also has her own room.
the issue we currently have is the 12 & 13 year old share a room, they always have, but are no longer happy to do so.
We moved while pregnant and they seemed on board with the plans the rooms etc. we had said once baby is sleeping through night they one of them can share with baby (they seemed excited about this and fighting over who would share with baby. It seems they would rather share with baby than with each other but they seem less into that now too).
they resent that fact that step daughter always has, and always will have her own room claiming we are biased and she is clearly the favourite etc, not only because she has her own room, but because we were given an old sofa bed by a friend, that fits in her room, so we didn’t have to buy her a bed etc but they think it’s not fair she gets it. It wouldn’t fit in their room & she only uses it as a bed.
I feel so guilty lately, because they are the oldest and the situation means the oldest are the ones sharing.
baby is sleeping through night more often these days and I would love my son to experience sharing a room (I have very fond memories of sharing a room).
I do worry no one will actually want to share with the baby when it comes to it. Not for the baby but for the older two.
we have bought them storage beds and a storage unit to divide the room but can’t think what else to do?

i suggested to DH we sleep on the sofas until one of them moves out but he’s not for that.
we would struggle to fit a cot in our bedroom but we did give the big room to the boys so maybe could swap although might still be a struggle but maybe their are small beds or we co sleep? Although I don’t think DH is onto co sleeping either….
I don’t think sharing is that bad by then that’s my own personal experience of it so it’s unfair of me to say that really.
they do have their own room at their mums. Their mum has a box room so they could have the big rooms.

I guess i never realised what a big deal it could be until recently they have been banging on walls and doors and yelling how much they hate this house & that it is so biased etc and that they would be kind to us if they gave us their own room like their sister.

for some reason they seem to understand that baby has his own room (but maybe that’s just what we see or they just don’t want us know how they feel etc although they do dote on their baby brother ).

every time their sister gets something they get upset. Even we spent way more on them at Christmas etc but they always look to what sister has. I think it’s all to do with the bedroom really.

I feel so bad and just wondering suggestions what we could do to make the boys feel kore comfortable here. :(

The boys are barely with you.

Why don't you & your DP take the biggest bedroom and have the baby in with you EOW and then just wheel the cot into one of the boys rooms for the other 27 days of the month?

You know fine well this is probably just a case of the boys being used to wanking in private at home and not being able to when they're with you (& certainly not wanting to "explore their bodies") with a baby in the room and the chance of you guys strolling in at any stage.

It's four nights a month that you need to give these boys a bit of privacy, that's it.

You get your own room 26-27 days a month, the baby gets their own room then too.

Your DD always gets her own room and the boys get their own room whenever they stay with you.

Problem sorted.

Because this will be disruptive and odd when the baby is no longer a baby.

I look forward to the day that only an annexe with bedroom, en suite and kitchenette is deemed suitable accommodation for a teen and anything less is ‘irresponsible’.

Quite.

Their mother taking a box room herself is also bizarre. They’ve had too long thinking they rule the roost, between that and them being allowed to choose where your family lives.

🤣🤣

Good grief. They have their own rooms at their main residence and are demanding their own rooms in their part time residence.

With the best will in the world they have to understand the world does not revolve around them. They are part of a blended family and they can choose whether or not they come to their dad's overnight on weekends and holidays if they really dislike the lack of privacy from their brother.

Plenty of parents have to have siblings sharing. We are a nuclear family of 6. The girls share and the boys share. Their bunk beds are in the middle of the room and they have a side each. I'd suggest this as a plan for your stepsons as well. Youngest uses a blanket on his bottom bunk to give himself privacy from his top bunk older brother. It's quite a cosy den for him and this was his own idea (11yo).

Luckily we have 3 downstairs rooms so we all get space when needed. But due to downstairs layout, giving each child a room is not practical so we have lots of shared spaces that get used variously by the children as they need.

I don't know what the solution is but as a step-parent myself I would NOT be sleeping on the couch to facilitate demands of children.

I think I'm really in this camp.

They are 12 and 13 and acting like brats.

They have to share because it's simply not practical for an alternative. One of them can't share with a baby. It's ridiculous.

And I'd tell them as much to suck it up.

Thanks everyone.
i do need to give myself a shake!
i know a few (not many) think we should not have more kids if we can’t afford to provide them their own rooms.
i just want to say that we had initially planned on moving to a 5 bed within the city but circumstances changed while I was pregnant. We did think a About if we could still manage a 5 bed in the city but realised we would now struggle too much with that financially which would be worse for all of us longer term.
that’s when we looked at 5 bed without the city but the older kids were against that and at the time were happy to keep sharing. As we would have preferred to be in the city anyway we thought great, everyone’s happy.

it has changed now and maybe they are unsettled about baby and we haven’t seen it so that is something to think about. Maybe because he’s a baby they feel they can’t show their upset? Or maybe as some others have pointed out they are ok with baby as he is a boy? Come to think of it they only come plain about the situation to me. They both had a go at me recently about favouring the girl since she had a her own room and sofa bed but as soon as DH came on the room they shut up.

DH thinks it’s because they know if will affect me and not DH.

I hope some don’t really think I shouldn’t have had a baby.
This baby is my first child after years of repeated miscarriage and infertility. IVF Miracle baby on our last try. We had initially planned to try for two however 2 reasons why we won’t is 1: now we know we wild struggle to afford another. And 2: I don’t think I could go through all that struggle again. So I have accepted I will have one baby and I am happy with that. There is a big gap between baby and the other kids but they have all bonded so nicely.

I do get the point though about each having their own room in the sense that I do want the boys to feel this is their home as much as the rest of us. I just wish they didn’t have such a problem with each other or sharing.

I also shared until I moved out, I am one of 4 and we all shared between 2 rooms, and I don’t ever remember it being an issue.
the bunk beds on different sides in the middle of the room look so cool though!

I think we could look at options of that if they were big enough (they had bunk beds in the last house but they got too big for it)
but if there is some way we can divide the room more effectively that would be great.
we don’t have as much space downstairs but we do have a big walk in storage cupboard? Maybe that could be a space if they don’t argue over who gets to use it…
FYI
@flutterbyebaby ive never told anyone to shut up 🤐

They're kids, so they need to do as they are told. Asking a 12 and 13 year old boys to share a room is being perfectly logical, so they need to wind their necks in and stop moaning! Especially as it is only every other weekend!

If their mum is sleeping in the box room then she has perhaps set a precedent for them thinking they can get their own way if they whinge enough??

Every other weekend???!!!!!

Are you having a laugh?

Of course they can share. I can’t believe you have been pandering to their selfish behaviour, banging on walls etc. Tell them to cut it out or there will be consequences.

Is DH scared/reluctant to parent them properly?

They need to get a grip.

My two brothers had to share a room (bunk beds!) until they were 22 and 19. It didn't hurt them

My three boys will have to share a room until at least two of them move out.

Hell no.

Same sex children who are similar ages need to share a room if there isn't any other space in the house.

They don't live in the OP's house full-time and if the 13 year old decides now or in a year he doesn't want to come, then he can do so.

When I first started reading your thread I thought the SC were mainly living with you, but actually it's EOW plus half of holidays. Their demands are unreasonable, although most teenagers can be self centred and unreasonable. Just over a quarter of the year is at yours, at their mum's they have their own rooms. You seem to have tried your best to accommodate them, but your home does not have elastic walls. Realistically, in a few years, the SS will be staying less and less as they will want to socialise at home with their friends, so this issue is finite. Don't get embroiled in arguments with the SS about their room sharing, teenagers love a row, get energised with a row, just don't get drawn in. At the most respond with 'yes, it's difficult isn't it?', or just don't respond.

It's just tough.

They will have to put up with the situation

Sharing a room is great for same-ish age, same sex kids. I had a great time sharing with my sister, lots of chats after lights out (mainly about boys and friendship dramas). I remember lots of giggling fits followed by dad shouting ‘ENOUGH NOW GIRLS’ up the stairs 😂

As an adult I don’t need that ‘decompression’ space that a lot of adults seem to, I’m quite relaxed in chaos and mentally it doesn’t get to me. I have a toddler and baby, my friend (who grew up with just her mum as dad worked abroad and brothers in boarding school) said she would really struggle mentally to live in the general family chaos that I do and worries about feeling ‘harassed’ when she settles down.

Five kids to a bedroom would be different though, as with everything there are shades of grey. The way mumsnet talks about kids sharing bedrooms you would think they are being made to sleep in the bath or something.

They need to cop on to the realities of life and share a room on the few days that they are in your house.
Absolute spoiled brats behaving like that when there is a clear logic to how you've divided the rooms.
Don't budge on this, they will move on to something else once they see you can be pushed around.
And their dad needs to sit them down and have a sharp word with them about their behaviour.
Make the room theirs, give them each as much personal space as possible but even if they were there full-time I can't see a better solution to the one you've got now.
And congratulations on your baby OP, a tough journey for you and I wish you well.

Thanks everyone. Eye opener for sure. At least I don’t feel so guilty anymore. As I realise we have been pandering a bit. But they really are not hard done by. Yes they share a room here - a big one with plenty space for separate storage dividing room etc…
the go abroad every year, they get plenty spent on them etc.

to be honest their behaviour and attitude is making me realise that even if they had their own bedrooms this end, they would still find something to complain about…
they are becoming so entitled that they already started complaining about having to share a bathroom :/

Since they are only there about 15% of the time, I think they have to just put up with it. They have their own rooms at their primary home. Your baby deserves his own room at his primary/only home, not sharing with you indefinitely so that the stepsons can have a room each on the comparatively rare occasions they are visiting.

My teens have to share a room and they’re the opposite sex. It wasn’t meant to happen, we were supposed to move to a bigger house but sadly that turned out not to be possible. We don’t have a choice but for them to share and we are struggling to be able to split their room in two. We have talked though possibilities to death but we cannot make it work to give them their own space.

life isn’t straightforward, sometimes you have to make do as best as possible with what you have available. To have to share a room every couple of weeks really isn’t going to hurt them!

I fully expect aghast comments from people as Mumsnet is prime location for judgmental people

I would definitely see if you can have the two DSSs at different times at least some of the time. They're getting old enough to leave home alone now so no real need to have all three kids moving between parents together at all times for childcare reasons. It would give them more space and also break up what seems to be an unhealthy dynamic developing within your family where the two of them wield such weight.

I'd also speak to your partner about it and get him to be the one who pulls them up clearly and quickly on shouting, banging or other bad behaviour.

You sound like you have stepmother guilt. Two teenagers, same sex, similar ages, sharing a room. It's incredibly normal, nothing wrong with it. My sister and I always shared (she's three years younger). In our house, shock horror, we have my DD and DSD sharing (10, 9).

WHAT?? This is batshit. If they were there 50/50 then this would make sense. But seriously, 3 out of the four bedrooms in your house sitting empty the vast majority of the time while the one child who lives there full time shares with their mum and dad??

Imo the sensible thing would be to have a baby's room, and two stepkids rooms, and when they are there (hardly at all) you and DH sleep on sofas/in with baby and one of the stepkids use your room (possibly on a rota basis, or if the SD is less fussed her). It's such a tiny amount of time it really isn't worth all thos aggro. And all those rooms should be available as spare room when they arent there, it's daft for them to be assigned permanently for 20% of the time at best. And I speak as a stepkid!

I would keep it as it is, but make sure the boys have the biggest room and both have desk and storage space under their beds so they have their own space.

wow what shits. I spent every other weekend with my dad and I slept on the couch but I didn’t care because I had my own bedroom at my main home. Here I was thinking they lived with you full time. I wouldn’t change a thing. They are being entitled brats. Is any of this being fuelled by bio mum?