Older kids sharing room

[Ellie43]

Hi
i have 3 stepkids, 2 boys ages 12 & 13, and a step daughter aged 9.
DH & I also have a baby boy together who sleeps in his own room. Step daughter also has her own room.
the issue we currently have is the 12 & 13 year old share a room, they always have, but are no longer happy to do so.
We moved while pregnant and they seemed on board with the plans the rooms etc. we had said once baby is sleeping through night they one of them can share with baby (they seemed excited about this and fighting over who would share with baby. It seems they would rather share with baby than with each other but they seem less into that now too).
they resent that fact that step daughter always has, and always will have her own room claiming we are biased and she is clearly the favourite etc, not only because she has her own room, but because we were given an old sofa bed by a friend, that fits in her room, so we didn’t have to buy her a bed etc but they think it’s not fair she gets it. It wouldn’t fit in their room & she only uses it as a bed.
I feel so guilty lately, because they are the oldest and the situation means the oldest are the ones sharing.
baby is sleeping through night more often these days and I would love my son to experience sharing a room (I have very fond memories of sharing a room).
I do worry no one will actually want to share with the baby when it comes to it. Not for the baby but for the older two.
we have bought them storage beds and a storage unit to divide the room but can’t think what else to do?

i suggested to DH we sleep on the sofas until one of them moves out but he’s not for that.
we would struggle to fit a cot in our bedroom but we did give the big room to the boys so maybe could swap although might still be a struggle but maybe their are small beds or we co sleep? Although I don’t think DH is onto co sleeping either….
I don’t think sharing is that bad by then that’s my own personal experience of it so it’s unfair of me to say that really.
they do have their own room at their mums. Their mum has a box room so they could have the big rooms.

I guess i never realised what a big deal it could be until recently they have been banging on walls and doors and yelling how much they hate this house & that it is so biased etc and that they would be kind to us if they gave us their own room like their sister.

for some reason they seem to understand that baby has his own room (but maybe that’s just what we see or they just don’t want us know how they feel etc although they do dote on their baby brother ).

every time their sister gets something they get upset. Even we spent way more on them at Christmas etc but they always look to what sister has. I think it’s all to do with the bedroom really.

I feel so bad and just wondering suggestions what we could do to make the boys feel kore comfortable here. :(

Don't keep your baby in your room without a bedroom to prevent two kids who only use the room EOW and who are using awful emotional blackmail techniques to try and force you hand from sharing. Their attitude is absolutely awful and even if it wasn't, your resident child needs a room away from their parents more than they need to not share for two days a fortnight.

They sound like a couple of brats who are bullying you to get their own way. They can share a room and like it or lump it.

Thank you all for opening my eyes.
I have to nip out now, but I’ll be back on later (just don’t want you to think I’m ignoring or don’t care. Also I didn’t expect so much response so soon but thank you all and back later) x

Would it be possible for them to stay with you at different times , perhaps they just need a break from each other in general . How you’ve organised the bedrooms is just fine though and they should be sharing .

Fuck all of it.

They share a room and that's that.

If they don't behave they'll be spending MORE time in it with each other until they can learn to behave and be respectful.

I think you need to work on assertiveness. The very fact that you suggested to your husband that you both sleep on the sofa until the eldest leaves home ( ie for a minimum of 5 years) is ridiculous. As is the fact that you allowed them to dictate where you moved to. These are children and it is not fair to give them power and responsibility when they are not yet equipped to cope with it.

You sound lovely and like you're trying to please everyone. As others have said the way it is now is perfectly acceptable. I think the 12 and 13 year old are just trying to make you feel guilty to get their own way. The reality will probably be that in a couple of years they'll be hanging out with their mates and may not even visit that much anyway. Do they have their own rooms at their mums house?

Give yourself a shake OP!!!

You have chosen a smaller house on the insistence of pre-teens, you are considering sleeping on a sofa for over 5yrs, you are putting up with the abuse of their sister and banging on walls etc- AND they only stay with you every 2nd weekend!!!! WFT!

Surely you can see that their hormones are raging and you are fuelling the anger! What teen in their right mind would want to share with a baby/toddler? Even IF they may have said that during pregnancy- the reality is very different.

I would absolutely not pander further than you already have- but as another option to divide their room, see the pic:

Ask the boys to come up with a few workable solutions for you to look at, they may see that there’s no other option when they have to find an alternative.

This - you need a bigger house and to stop having more children that you cannot suitably house. They will be feeling pushed out by this

This - you need a bigger house and to stop having more children that you cannot suitably house. They will be feeling pushed out by this

Oh give over, loads of kids living full time in the home that are the same sex and such similar ages share. They do not need a bigger house to ensure they don't have to share EOW.

I can sort of understand because I would have HATED sharing a room with my sister at that age but really I don't see what else you could possibly do? Most people can't afford 5 bedroom homes which is what you'd need for everyone to have their own space.

Of course it makes sense for the only girl to have her own room. Even if the three of them were boys they are much closer in age to each other than to her - even if the 13 year old had the same room the 12 year old would still be sharing with a 9 year old which makes less sense. And to be honest I can't see that sharing with the baby will.work either given the age gap is so big - they might say they prefer it now but they won't when they are 17/18 and baby is 4!

They are luckier than many in that at least they have their own rooms at their mother's. The fact they are complaining that their sister has a hand me down bed is bizarre- what do they expect her to do, sleep on the floor? I imagine if you'd bought a brand new bed for her that would be unfair too!

The only possible suggestions are if you have the space try and find somewhere one of them can go for personal space even if they can't sleep there - an attic conversion, one of those garden offices that can have electricity. Or they alternate when they come to you and when they are at their mothers so they always have a room to themselves? You could make the sister share with the baby if you think that will seem "fairer" and then there's always 1 room spare as a den if any of them need privacy but tbh I can't see that's a long teem solution -even if it's technically OK now it wouldn't be fair for her to be sharing with a young boy when she's 13/14/15.

But if none of those work they'll just have to suck it up - although fair warning if that means they decide they don't want to come to yours as often you are going to struggle to "make" them once they get a year or two older.

I agree with other posters in that you need to think about what their demands and how you are reacting to them are teaching them about how it's okay to behave generally- I can't imagine it's nice for their poor sister to always be receiving all this abuse.

But really it's their DAD that needs to be having this conversation with them - they are his kids it's not fair for you to have to spend all the time living with their aggro and trying to think of a solution. Tell them either he can "fix it" or if not he needs to have the talk saying he understands they are annoyed but it's not something that is going to change in the future so stop taking it out on you/their sister.

All of this up until the counselling bit. You seem to need counselling to open a packet of crisps on here.

Don’t be bloody absurd.

"She gets her own room because she's a girl and you're boys, and we don't have the space for you all to have a room each."

Done.

I shared a room with my sister until she moved out at 20 I was 18 no idea what their issue is. There is a cost of living crisis a housing crisis they have a roof over their head, food on the table, park your guilt they're fine and you need to stop giving oxygen to their issue with it. It is as it is move on.
Channel 4 had a piece on family overcrowding last night maybe get that on the player and show them the conditions some people need to live in.

I have a DS who is a similar age to your DSSs. We have had to have conversations with him about how he interacts with others, after twice he blocked a doorway and squared up to me, to stop me leaving a room. It's a conversation to have about boundaries and responsiblities now, not when they're adults. DH is over 6ft so we were mindful that DS is going to make a certain impression just walking into a room and we wanted to be sure he doesn't throw his weight around, literally, when he's double my weight and a foot taller than me.

I'd tell the boys the facts - this will be their room, they are going to be sharing, you can then discuss how they want the space. Do they want bunks, bunks with beds at 90 degrees, separate beds etc. Only you know what the room can accommodate.

I suggested the counselling because this behaviour seems to have started after the baby came along

Whilst they apear to be okay about the baby the reality is they see their dad occasionally and now suddenly there is a child who sees their dad all of the time. That can be hard for children to adjust to

They are reacting/acting out in ways that are aggressive possibly because they don't have the words, or the skills or the outlet to talk through how they are actually feeling

And yes counselling is suggested a lot of here. But if boys were brought up with a safe space to talk through their feelings so that their go to tools were introspection and thoughtfulness instead of anger and aggression maybe counselling wouldnt need to be suggested so often once those boys grow up to be men?

The current bedroom arrangements sound perfect. Don’t change it!

Your baby should get a room because he only has one room and will live there full time.

Your step daughter should get a room because she’s the only girl.

That leaves the 2 boys sharing a room. They already have rooms at their mum’s house so they need to stop complaining. It’s not ‘overcrowding’ for 2 same sex siblings to share a bedroom. My brothers shared a bedroom and there’s quite a big age gap (7 years).

No, kids don’t need their own rooms. Mumsnet doctrine on what teens ‘need’ is bizarre. Their own room, an available parent on standby at any time to talk through ‘emotional problems’, counselling for every minor issue, at least 100k for university… frankly I think it’s cosseting, living with a small amount of chaos is healthy and teaches them to relax and not sweat the small stuff.

It is normal to share, especially in families of 4 or more kids. Probably in families of 3 kids too judging by the number of 3 bed houses there are in this country. Most of the time it's not the oldest 2 sharing, but that's just how the cards fall sometimes.

I think you need go find a way to get past the anger and have them calm down before you talk any more about this. Their "thinking brains" aren't engaged at the moment, they are too busy hitting out.

Maybe longer term you could think up a more substantial partition solution. B&Q have a new range of modular room dividers.

Daft isn't it. Children sharing a room isn't a big deal. I have two kids in one room, two in the other room. It's fine. There's office space in a separate room to do school work or use a PC/console for gaming.

Hardly deprived if you don't have a room to yourself!

This site is a laugh a minute isn't it 😂😂😂

I look forward to the day that only an annexe with bedroom, en suite and kitchenette is deemed suitable accommodation for a teen and anything less is ‘irresponsible’.