Older kids sharing room

[Ellie43]

Hi
i have 3 stepkids, 2 boys ages 12 & 13, and a step daughter aged 9.
DH & I also have a baby boy together who sleeps in his own room. Step daughter also has her own room.
the issue we currently have is the 12 & 13 year old share a room, they always have, but are no longer happy to do so.
We moved while pregnant and they seemed on board with the plans the rooms etc. we had said once baby is sleeping through night they one of them can share with baby (they seemed excited about this and fighting over who would share with baby. It seems they would rather share with baby than with each other but they seem less into that now too).
they resent that fact that step daughter always has, and always will have her own room claiming we are biased and she is clearly the favourite etc, not only because she has her own room, but because we were given an old sofa bed by a friend, that fits in her room, so we didn’t have to buy her a bed etc but they think it’s not fair she gets it. It wouldn’t fit in their room & she only uses it as a bed.
I feel so guilty lately, because they are the oldest and the situation means the oldest are the ones sharing.
baby is sleeping through night more often these days and I would love my son to experience sharing a room (I have very fond memories of sharing a room).
I do worry no one will actually want to share with the baby when it comes to it. Not for the baby but for the older two.
we have bought them storage beds and a storage unit to divide the room but can’t think what else to do?

i suggested to DH we sleep on the sofas until one of them moves out but he’s not for that.
we would struggle to fit a cot in our bedroom but we did give the big room to the boys so maybe could swap although might still be a struggle but maybe their are small beds or we co sleep? Although I don’t think DH is onto co sleeping either….
I don’t think sharing is that bad by then that’s my own personal experience of it so it’s unfair of me to say that really.
they do have their own room at their mums. Their mum has a box room so they could have the big rooms.

I guess i never realised what a big deal it could be until recently they have been banging on walls and doors and yelling how much they hate this house & that it is so biased etc and that they would be kind to us if they gave us their own room like their sister.

for some reason they seem to understand that baby has his own room (but maybe that’s just what we see or they just don’t want us know how they feel etc although they do dote on their baby brother ).

every time their sister gets something they get upset. Even we spent way more on them at Christmas etc but they always look to what sister has. I think it’s all to do with the bedroom really.

I feel so bad and just wondering suggestions what we could do to make the boys feel kore comfortable here. :(

you and DH sleep on sofas/in with baby and one of the stepkids use your room (possibly on a rota basis, or if the SD is less fussed her). It's such a tiny amount of time it really isn't worth all thos aggro.

I wouldn’t be giving up my private bedroom space in my own home. They are there a small amount of time, it won’t hurt them to learn how to share their space with each other. I’d be knocking the bad behaviour on the head though, good behaviour isn’t a reward for giving them what they want, it’s a reasonable expectation and they’re old enough to know better.

Imo the sensible thing would be to have a baby's room, and two stepkids rooms, and when they are there (hardly at all) you and DH sleep on sofas/in with baby and one of the stepkids use your room (possibly on a rota basis, or if the SD is less fussed her). It's such a tiny amount of time it really isn't worth all thos aggro.

It's daft for two (sharing) adults to sleep on the sofa just so they don't have to share for that amount of time. This isn't sensible at all. They will live.

My two eldest share a room but they always did even when they could have separate rooms.
Your stepsons sound like spoiled brats and you tell them where they sleep. They are sharing a room end of story.
I can't believe you decided not to move out of the city because they didn't want to. You are giving them too much power.
Tell your DH to deal with his entitled son's because I think otherwise once his daughter is old enough she might not bother seeing her dad. Why would she want to spend time with people who give in to her bullying brothers.

Yes I agree with others, the sleeping arrangement isn’t the issue here. They have found a weak point and are pushing it because they can see you’re wavering. I would, at a push, consider “properly” dividing the room with a stud wall and a door (even if it looks shit for a few years and one has to walk through the other’s room) but make it clear that that is the end of the subject and if they don’t like it they can pitch a tent in the garden! The bullying of your SD has to stop and I wouldn’t even think of putting your youngest DS in with one of them.

They are certainly used to throwing their weight around. Im bussing mum is still single as I wouldn’t see many men being happy with living in a box bedroom to suit two spoilt preteens.

The fact they shut up when dh is there is a bit of a worry too. Meaning they are only ever lashing out at women (you, their mother and their sister)

Now moaning about sharing a bathroom too? Honestly I don’t see how you put up with them for even the small amount of time they are with you.

Send them off to join scouts where they can share one big teen with many many other children and often rudimental toilets. It would be funny maybe not for the scout masters though.

They share, they shut up and put and their father clearly has words over the sexist bs of only ever picking on females for arguments.

Maybe they should camp in the garden in summer. Even get a porta potty type toilet. Then see how bad sharing a proper bedroom and bathroom is.

Yes and I certainly wouldn't give up my bedroom for them

Thanks all. I have been a bit weak to be honest!
i know it’s been suggested to have them at different times - DH is not keen on this as he doesn’t want them dictating who comes when and avoiding each other too much.

i guess it’s true we have already let them dictate too much. Especially me.

i like the idea of camping outside though 😂

They both had a go at me recently about favouring the girl since she had a her own room and sofa bed but as soon as DH came on the room they shut up.
DH thinks it’s because they know if will affect me and not DH.

They’re turning into sexist bullies. That’s the issue not the bloody sleeping arrangements.

Maybe because he’s a baby they feel they can’t show their upset?

Yeah, doubt it.

Your husband needs to get a massive grip on how these two boys are behaving. Now. They’re already taking the piss out of their mum and doing the same to you to such an extent you’re considering giving up your bedroom to pander to them a couple of days a fortnight. What’s he doing to protect his younger daughter? Doesn’t sound like much at the moment.

Quite. An ex of mine was one of six, brought up in a three bedroom house. Four boys in one bedroom, two girls in another. All perfectly well adjusted people with a decent relationship with each other.

We have been chatting about this so I’m glad all these points have been raised.
we have actually agreed to all meet up (parents from both house holds to discuss etc).
trying to plan nice things for SD because she deserves it (always polite, never even asks for anything etc etc) and we know the boys will take issue. But there should be consequences etc.

Yeh I have to admit that while I don’t think any offence was intended, this did upset me a bit.
this baby is my first After years of miscarriage and infertility etc (we had not planned such a big gap) and now we have a miracle baby and I don’t want to feel like I shouldn’t have had this baby :(

They only gave to share every other weekend! They sound horrible little sh*ts and your partner should come down on them hard.

I mean surely your husband should just tell them to cop on? They are 2 teenage boys and they are ruling the roost?I wouldn't even explain it to them. It would be a flat not happening and I wouldn't engage in a discussion with them. What will they be like in 3/4 years time if their behaviour continues?

I know is starting to freak me out really. I don’t want my son growing up thinking this is ok behaviour:/

Yeh I see that now. Think we have been too soft. Tankful for this thread

You have already given the boys the largest room and a unit to separate the room. Considering they only live there every other weekend and a couple of weeks in the summer you are being ridiculous allowing them this much control. Tell them you have done your best and they have their own room at their Mum's where they are most of the time. If they act up start being firmer and giving consequences for bad behaviour. Your baby lives with you all of the time and is entitled to his own room. In your situation I don't think I'd have allocated them the largest room as they are hardly ever there to use it. I'd be giving me and DH the largest room and the boys would be having bunk beds. Plenty of children share a room. I shared with my sister from the time she was about 1 year old and I was 5. I'd had the room to myself up until then. We never had a problem with sharing. Your stepsons are entitled brats and I would not tolerate it. Have you considered having one boy for a weekend at a time. On their own they might be more respectful to you and would not have to share the room. If you did this I'd be moving into the largest room though.

I suggested separate times to DH and he is not so keen to have them choose separate times to come stay as he thinks we’ve already let them dictate too much and that they would just permanently avoid each other!

there’s parents schedules and child maintenance to consider etc and it gets a little confusing to know what’s fair etc etc
so I think they will need to learn to deal with it.
I shared too and I never once felt hard done by!
And yes that included a baby sibling with a bigger gap so they always had a room to themselves and my sister and I shared being close on age. Never a problem.
think it’s a bit step parent guilt to be honest. It definitely bothers me much more than DH.
he is like most posters here that he thinks the boys just need to suck it up.
however we have discussed and he does agree he needs to deal with their behaviour and attitude especially with the females in their life!

They sound like brats, sorry

Yeh I can see that now :/