‘You’ve upset your mother’

[mumoftoddlerandteen]

I’ll keep it brief.

yesterday it’s 80 something year old granny’s birthday, my parents host her for a small tea and invite my younger brother (age 30, own home etc) to attend.

invite not extended to us (me, husband and children or even just me alone)

I ask why we weren’t included in the invitation. It all kicks off, dad messaging to say ‘you’ve upset your mother saying why weren’t you invited’, etc etc and asking me to apologise for upsetting her.

completely appreciate that I could have seen granny separately, gone to visit her that day alone. reality is that we have three children age 16, 5 and 2, a full time job each and a renovation. Time can be tricky but again, completely appreciate you make time for what’s important etc and it’s not having no time it’s choosing how you spend it.

AIBU to expect

1. A heads up, ‘granny’s here if you want to pop in and see her we’re doing her a birthday cake’ (particularly seeing as younger brother invited)

1. when I say I was a bit put out not to be invited, told what was going on, that they just say something like ‘oh yeah sorry, we didn’t think, will give you a heads up if you want to pop by next time’, rather than ‘don’t say that, look at all we do for you (1/2 day a week childcare for 2 year old), you’ve upset us saying that’

this is against a backdrop of younger sister visiting home every so often and the four of them (parents, sis and bro) going out for dinner, trips out etc without invites extended and me asking could we all try and do stuff together a bit more often.

id like to make it clear again that I completely appreciate that these things are two way and we make effort when we can to include granny (invites to the children’s birthdays etc), include our parents, initiating trips out or visits, phone calls, as often as we can with work, school, hobbies, etc. which are not reciprocated.

You sound like the family scapegoat. It must be exhausting.

That’s so unkind of your parents to not invite you along op, especially given your granny might not have many more birthdays(not to be doom and gloom but eighty is pretty old!) sounds like you are the black sheep as they say. And to think you supposedly upset your mother!!! What about your feelings?

Yes thats pointed and ongoing exclusion and it must hurt. And the ;youve upset your mother' is a blatant attempt at manipulation to subdue you and get you back in line - punishing / blaming you for expressing your very worthwhile feelings!. If youve pointed this out many times and always get pushback, and they keep repeating the hurtful behaviour, then its time to protect your own feelings and sense of self worth....step back and focus on those family members who do embrace, accept and welcome you.

Hope the GC are going to do all the elder care when the time comes - but my guess is they will disappear. ...

”why has me asking you this upset you? I am upset that I was not invited - it is your right to, but can I ask why I am excluded from family events?”

This.

Seems a reasonable question.

Thank you nevermind31, that is a line I’ve used before ie asking why. They will often say it’s because you’ve got your own family, you’re busy etc, and sometimes that ‘it’s too much’ with all 5 of us ie the children. That’s also upsetting, but not much I can do about that, so I’ve said well I could just come on my own sometimes.

I'm really really conscious of repeating this with my children as eldest is 16 and younger ones are 5 and 2. We will go out with the younger two doing things that are geared towards them as the eldest is having a lie in or out with friends but I always try to invite her so she has the choice x

I can't understand why asking why you've not been invited could possibly be upsetting to someone unless that someone is a narcissistic manipulator who enjoys making people second guess themselves so they can't think straight.

Sounds like a toxic family dynamic and you have every right to ask why you were excluded.

Sounds like a very common setup of one narcissistic parent whose feelings are consisted to be more important than anyone else's, an enabling parent who backs them up (because God help them if they don't!) plus scapegoat and golden child who are played off against each other. There is lots of information on the net to help you understand the situation and how to deal with it.
Whatever you do don't apologise to her for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

Was the other sister invited?

Other sister not invited as lives four hours away and will plan visits ie ‘I’m next down on this date’ etc. she’s happy with this arrangement ie appreciates she misses out on things because of this.

we live a six minute drive away.

Maybe it feels quite a lot organising whole family events when each one has their own family and they were looking to do a more low key thing. Maybe your DB called at just the right time and so it was easier to invite him along. Extended families can’t do everything together and while it’s nice to be invited it’s often easier for the busier people to lead by saying when they are free rather than get into a conversation of could we change the date, place, activity so that it can be more inclusive for all family and never actually getting to have an easy relaxed catch up. I don’t think either side is unreasonable I think though there does have to be a bit of acceptance that when you prioritise your nuclear family (which is obviously important to do) you may not be prioritised with your extended family at every occasion

I absolutely despise parents who treat their children like this. It’s unbelievably cruel. And they’ve taken your total upset and commandeered it, and made it a stick to beat you with (‘your upset has upset your mother’).

I’m sorry, OP. I’d stop them providing any childcare and I’d stop bothering with them. When they inevitably have a go at you for it, I’d tell them to have a long think about the disparity in the way they’ve treated you compared to your siblings, and to see if they can figure it out.

So cruel.

That's really cruel. I'd find different child care and stop reaching out to be included in family stuff. Who knows why they choose to do this, but you could waste your whole life trying to find out why and still be in the same boat. See granny on your own and look after you and your own little family. 💐

You should have responded to your dad that actually your feelings were hurt and are often hurt when they do things like this and deliberately exclude you. I wouldn't use them for childcare and so would no issue calling them out on this type of behaviour. You aren't in a position to rock the boat if you use them for childcare though so the only real option you have is to put up with it or find alternative childcare. Ultimately you can let this carry on or you can raise the issue and stand your ground. They're gaslighting you and that's not OK.

It seems unfair of them.

But I did pick up on what you say further down about younger sister visiting and them going for dinner. I dont see an issue with that, things dont always have to be as a complete unit of everyone! Like surely you could visit and you all say shall we go for dinner without your sis and brother.

I go for dinner with my Mum, I dont ask my brother. He drops into my Mums, might have a takeaway with them but he doesn't have to mention it and include us.

But Granny having a little cake and it being an actual occasion, yes thats out of order of them.

It’s not that we need them for the childcare we just asked if they wanted to do it so that they had the time with the grandchildren. Sadly I don’t think they’d see them a lot otherwise.

if they wanted it low key they could have just mentioned to me and said come without the kids. They say that granny loves seeing the children though so I can’t get my head round it.

very conscious of rocking the boat and causing an issue with the relationship with the grandchildren.

That's so unkind of them

I get that we don’t always do things together. It just feels like when she visits that they spend time altogether every day, without an invite extended to us or me at any point. It’s only when I ask about doing something that we are included.

Had exactly this myself. Stepped away and went NC with all of them. Liberating. No longer spend my time second guessing what I've done wrong, or why I've been excluded.

It's hurtful @mumoftoddlerandteen, I get it. As someone with a similar dynamic, the only advice I would give you is to accept that you won't ever change them. I have spent five decades trying to understand why I am excluded and only now am I coming to terms with the fact that it really isn't about me, it's a about a messed up family situation with my parents and sister. For your own peace of mind, I would advise you step away a little bit and concentrate on your own loving family unit.

Yes definitely say this.

’You’ve upset your mother’ gives me hives. They got caught out and are deflecting big time.

Had you planned to see/contact your Granny independently knowing it was her birthday? Given you weren’t aware of a wider family thing going on. I can see it’s hurtful not to be included in the family plans, just wondering if it’s some sort of ‘test’ to (unfairly) see if you’d bother unless someone else arranged it.

Unfortunately, there is no happy ending here. There is nothing you can say or do to make them want to include you. Now you know that, you have the freedom to bother much less with them, and work on things and relationships which will bring joy to your life.I would also find alternative childcare, so that can't be used against you

My family is very similar, without the childcare, and after decades of trying, I have come to the conclusion that they exclude me because they want to. This is how they want to live. That's fine, but I also get to choose how I live, and as such I haven't initiated contact with them for three years now. They seem fine with that (or at least have never bothered to contact me), so we all have what we want, sort of.

It's hard to feel unwanted in your own family, I know that. But I have friends who want to see me and my children, and most of my in-laws are lovely. My husband adores me and my children are wonderful people, so I don't feel that I am missing out on much. Strangely (or maybe not!) the favoured siblings in my family actually can't be bothered with our parents, and visit maybe once every 10 years or so. So my parents lose out all round. I have a theory that they like the idea of having a large family, but don't actually like us (or at least me!) very much. That was certainly the impression they gave when we were children.

You should definitely work on the family relationships you want to have, like your grandmother, maybe siblings, aunts, uncles etc, but do it independent of your parents.