‘You’ve upset your mother’

[mumoftoddlerandteen]

I’ll keep it brief.

yesterday it’s 80 something year old granny’s birthday, my parents host her for a small tea and invite my younger brother (age 30, own home etc) to attend.

invite not extended to us (me, husband and children or even just me alone)

I ask why we weren’t included in the invitation. It all kicks off, dad messaging to say ‘you’ve upset your mother saying why weren’t you invited’, etc etc and asking me to apologise for upsetting her.

completely appreciate that I could have seen granny separately, gone to visit her that day alone. reality is that we have three children age 16, 5 and 2, a full time job each and a renovation. Time can be tricky but again, completely appreciate you make time for what’s important etc and it’s not having no time it’s choosing how you spend it.

AIBU to expect

1. A heads up, ‘granny’s here if you want to pop in and see her we’re doing her a birthday cake’ (particularly seeing as younger brother invited)

1. when I say I was a bit put out not to be invited, told what was going on, that they just say something like ‘oh yeah sorry, we didn’t think, will give you a heads up if you want to pop by next time’, rather than ‘don’t say that, look at all we do for you (1/2 day a week childcare for 2 year old), you’ve upset us saying that’

this is against a backdrop of younger sister visiting home every so often and the four of them (parents, sis and bro) going out for dinner, trips out etc without invites extended and me asking could we all try and do stuff together a bit more often.

id like to make it clear again that I completely appreciate that these things are two way and we make effort when we can to include granny (invites to the children’s birthdays etc), include our parents, initiating trips out or visits, phone calls, as often as we can with work, school, hobbies, etc. which are not reciprocated.

Yes we spend a lot of time with friends so I know we’re not unlikeable people!! I’m not perfect by any stretch but try my best with people - subject to the juggle that is ‘life’!!

for example we held a party for my son and i was conscious I couldn’t invite all of his friends due to numbers so held a little small thing for a group of friends outside of school.

it’s not so much the not inviting - I’m sort of used to it now and get it if it was an oversight, thinking we were busy, etc.

it’s the ‘it’s not okay to be upset about it’ vibe that I wanted reassurance I wasn’t being unreasonable about.

Be careful with their relationship with the children. I bent over backwards to encourage them to develop a relationship with my kids, but then I realised that they were scapegoating two of my sons in exactly the same way as they had with me. It was the son who is the most like me that got the worst treatment, and then the one who had a mild developmental delay. The oldest was useful and the youngest was quiet and cute, so they were the favourites.

It took me a while to see what was going on, but I found it was really important to speak openly to my sons about their GPs behaviour and how the children had done nothing wrong. My MIL and FIL are both dead and my sons really wanted to have grandparents, but as time has passed and they have realised how badly they were being treated, they stopped asking to see the GP and now don't bother with them at all.

Yes I am wary of that. So for example last week when they had them they bought the eldest a hot chocolate and wouldn’t let the youngest have one when he’d asked. He was really bothered by it and kept saying to me that grandad wouldn’t let him have one (he’s 5). I asked about it to dad (his grandad) who said that DS5 didn’t really want one, just wanted the marshmallows, didn’t get that upset by it etc. I told my son that I couldn’t understand why grandad had said no, that that would have upset me too, and that I’d speak to him. But dad just couldn’t say ‘oh sorry, I didn’t realise he really wanted one’ next time I’ll make sure I get him one or anything like that. Just made me feel a bit weird, like why wouldn’t you just get him one too. X

Strange behaviour my them, there is no two ways about it.

You don't even seem to know your grannie's age. All about you.

I know you’re worried about upsetting their relationship with your kids, but I think you’re making a big mistake.

They're starting the discrepancies in treatment on your children now. You know how shit it feels, you’re conditioned to accept it and blame yourself, but please, please, don’t let them do it to your children too.

They’re failing as parents. This is nothing that you’ve don’t wrong. Their different treatment of you all and choosing to exclude you, before then turning it on you and deflecting it when you find out and are UNDERSTANDABLY upset, is vile.

We get a fair bit of "you have upset your mother" in our family too

A few years ago I learned to say "she has upset me" in response and to refuse to apologise and play along with the shite and it has been most freeing

I assumed yours are the only children ?
Maybe they just wanted it to be adults?

When young children are around it can be noisy , maybe they just wanted a quieter time but don't know how to tell you.

😕

This. From a similar kind of background myself. You can't have a normal respectful reasonable conversation in a set up like this. When I (reluctantly) accepted this was the case, things have been better. I stopped banging my head against a brick wall. It's hard, but you are not going to change the weird dynamic by being reasonable, and assuming they will be reasonable back. It's hard. to you and @DwightShrutesgirlfriend

The hot chocolate thing is horrible… I’m not absolutely sure it’s a good idea for your DC to be around your parents without you there.

What a nasty comment.

Much more likely that the OP simply didnt want to give the exact age, but you were obviously scouring the post determined to find something nasty to say. How sad!

"you've upset your mother" sends shivers down my spine, the only way to put a stop to this is distance yourself and add in some big boundaries.

This is manipulative and unhealthy. You're right to feel their behaviour is unreasonable, and weird, because it is.

You can't win this one, unfortunately, leave them to it. Drop your expectations, accept that this is not your fault, and don't let them start with your own children.

If I were you I'd be popping your youngest into childcare and taking a step. They sound like real divide and rule types which is toxic for you and will be for your children...

U’ll never win, don’t waste yr time and energy.

My first thought is that you were an affair baby. Or you strongly resemble a relation one of your parents hated.

Not a normal way to treat a child.

Stop the childcare and rake a huge step back. Grey rock them if they ask anything. They're bad for your children and bad for you. Don't go no contact, 1) that will make you the bad guy and 2) it's easier for other family events like funerals if you can just breeze in and say hi.

Granny’s 85 for a previous poster - didn’t think relevant to the post but I do know her age

So for example last week when they had them they bought the eldest a hot chocolate and wouldn’t let the youngest have one when he’d asked. He was really bothered by it and kept saying to me that grandad wouldn’t let him have one (he’s 5).
I thought the eldest is 16 and your youngest is 2 years old, did I misread that?

I'll go against the grain, I don't think all occasions need big family gatherings. Is your db single? Maybe your grandmother specifically wanted him to be there fore some reason?

Does your mother suffer from anxiety by any chance? Or your GM? This could be a reason to keep it as a small occasion.

The key question for me would be are you parents (and your GM) kind to you, your dh and your dc? Is this your first or second marriage (big age gap), if latter, are there any ill feelings from your parents about that (which would be very unreasonable of them)?

How did they parent you, were they loving and supportive? Or critical and horrible?

The most straightforward reason for this is that your GM requested a small gathering and that there is something with your brother, either he is GM's favourite or he has some thing happening in his life.

I know it isn’t helpful but my response would be to send him a link like this one
https://iscmentoring.eu/km/integrity/are-you-a-flying-monkey/

along with “Well Mother has no qualms about upsetting her daughter, so there you go.”

why has me asking you this upset you? I am upset that I was not invited - it is your right to, but can I ask why I am excluded from family events

Honestly, I’d be guessing it’s because you would be bringing a 2yo and 5yo along (but particularly the 2yo). If you are no longer in the trenches with toddlers and young children it can be quite a chore to spend time around them. As parents you are used to it and it is your normal but for others it’s just, let’s say, not preferable. They are like farts basically, love your own yadda yadda.

I dare say if you just had the 16yo you’d probably be invited to all the get togethers, and once your younger two are older and can self-occupy and display older behaviours the invites will ramp up. At this point, your brother may well have started a family and it will be his invites that will dwindle until his kids get older.

So now they have actually started treating your dc different.. Time to bow out op. Before your dc feel like you do right now..

@PersilNotParsley the OP says clearly that she has three DCs, ages 16, 5 and 2. Talk about trying to pick holes where there aren't any.

OP you don't need the childcare so stop trying to do something nice for someone who does the exact opposite to you. The DCs will be worse off, not better, having a relationship with her and your father. Then you can cut your parents out of your mind and your life. Don't keep going back to them for more of the same.

Speak to granny, tell her you are sorry you didn't see her at the birthday tea at parents, you didn't hear about it until too late, so please come to us for tea next Sunday as we would love to celebrate with you too.

Just to clarify, I’m not massively bothered about why we weren’t invited. I’d just asked why. So if it’s a ‘the children are too hectic, we thought you were busy, it was an oversight’ etc and a quick, sorry. That would have been fine! But it’s the ‘how dare you ask’ and ‘that upsets us when you ask’ that I can’t get my head round?