‘You’ve upset your mother’

[mumoftoddlerandteen]

I’ll keep it brief.

yesterday it’s 80 something year old granny’s birthday, my parents host her for a small tea and invite my younger brother (age 30, own home etc) to attend.

invite not extended to us (me, husband and children or even just me alone)

I ask why we weren’t included in the invitation. It all kicks off, dad messaging to say ‘you’ve upset your mother saying why weren’t you invited’, etc etc and asking me to apologise for upsetting her.

completely appreciate that I could have seen granny separately, gone to visit her that day alone. reality is that we have three children age 16, 5 and 2, a full time job each and a renovation. Time can be tricky but again, completely appreciate you make time for what’s important etc and it’s not having no time it’s choosing how you spend it.

AIBU to expect

1. A heads up, ‘granny’s here if you want to pop in and see her we’re doing her a birthday cake’ (particularly seeing as younger brother invited)

1. when I say I was a bit put out not to be invited, told what was going on, that they just say something like ‘oh yeah sorry, we didn’t think, will give you a heads up if you want to pop by next time’, rather than ‘don’t say that, look at all we do for you (1/2 day a week childcare for 2 year old), you’ve upset us saying that’

this is against a backdrop of younger sister visiting home every so often and the four of them (parents, sis and bro) going out for dinner, trips out etc without invites extended and me asking could we all try and do stuff together a bit more often.

id like to make it clear again that I completely appreciate that these things are two way and we make effort when we can to include granny (invites to the children’s birthdays etc), include our parents, initiating trips out or visits, phone calls, as often as we can with work, school, hobbies, etc. which are not reciprocated.

This sounds like a classic golden child (children in this case) and scapegoat situation. I’m really sorry they are treating you this way OP. It’s not on

I suggest you stop the half day childcare if you can afford it. If asked why, say you don't want to be a burden on them 😒

This.

You family sounds awful and are clearly a source of stress.

Stop using them for childcare and step away.

See Granny yourself on your terms.

Don't go NC, but don't tell them anything nor make ANY effort with them.

Pursuing people like your parents for a relationship brings nothing but angst.

Far better to treat them as distant relatives that you see occasionally.

Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

I wouldn't want them looking after my children.

And this is why I am very low contact with my family. Finally came to my senses that I didn’t want them to make me feel shit any more…

I read this as your parents (mum) didn’t want to host you and the kids (on this particular occasion). Having granny over for a quiet tea and inviting your 30 something brother is simple, quiet. Getting the 5 of you also involved means a lot more hosting in terms of food, noise, chaos (probably thinking that you’ll want to sit and eat cake with granny while she has to run around after the 2 year old..?) She’s got defensive that’s you’ve called them out on it as she feels bad about it and it’s easier to put that burden back on you than to accept that she’s chosen a nice easy afternoon over including her own child and grandchildren.

This could be completely wrong of course but I have a similar family set up and it’s very much the vibes I get from my own mum when I hear she’s invited my childfree siblings and cousins to things she’s hosting and not me and the grandchildren. I’ve never dared question it, just quietly felt sad to be left out, so kudos to you!

That's horrible , there's absolutely loads of us now .my sister has 3 children 13 and under , I have 4 , 2 adults and 2 that are 12 and under and my oldest ds has 4 who are 6,4 , 1 and 8 months

It's a lot when we all get together but we still do it. My last gp died last year but we have some lovely pictures of him with all the grandchildren, great grand children and great great grandchildren all together

You've done nothing wrong op and I wouldn't be apologising to her or any of them

You mention about rocking the boat @mumoftoddlerandteen and I think it is just the perfect time to do just that.
Rock that boat.
Stop being left off cards if your mother is still putting the names of your siblings on cards and they also have left home.
Put your foot down and say that if there are family events, they are to be advised to ALL family (including the sister who lives 4 hours away as she should be allowed to come if she wants to).

It brings to mind this post from Reddit -
Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Sorry for the long post but I think it's about time that the boat got rocked!

I’d see your grandmother separately and stay well away from your parents.

My own parents do this and my dad also used to tell me to comply with my mother’s wishes to give him an easy life and make it easier for him. He totally enables her emotionally abusive behaviour and backs her up when she goes through her weeks of ignoring me because I don’t do what she wants.

Wow, this describes my family to a tee - with me as the scapegoat (despite being in my 50's!). I've lost track of the things I've not been included in. I've had to try to keep my expectations low, but it hurts.

“She’s not the only one..I have feelings too…You’ve upset me by not inviting me…again”.