‘You’ve upset your mother’

[mumoftoddlerandteen]

I’ll keep it brief.

yesterday it’s 80 something year old granny’s birthday, my parents host her for a small tea and invite my younger brother (age 30, own home etc) to attend.

invite not extended to us (me, husband and children or even just me alone)

I ask why we weren’t included in the invitation. It all kicks off, dad messaging to say ‘you’ve upset your mother saying why weren’t you invited’, etc etc and asking me to apologise for upsetting her.

completely appreciate that I could have seen granny separately, gone to visit her that day alone. reality is that we have three children age 16, 5 and 2, a full time job each and a renovation. Time can be tricky but again, completely appreciate you make time for what’s important etc and it’s not having no time it’s choosing how you spend it.

AIBU to expect

1. A heads up, ‘granny’s here if you want to pop in and see her we’re doing her a birthday cake’ (particularly seeing as younger brother invited)

1. when I say I was a bit put out not to be invited, told what was going on, that they just say something like ‘oh yeah sorry, we didn’t think, will give you a heads up if you want to pop by next time’, rather than ‘don’t say that, look at all we do for you (1/2 day a week childcare for 2 year old), you’ve upset us saying that’

this is against a backdrop of younger sister visiting home every so often and the four of them (parents, sis and bro) going out for dinner, trips out etc without invites extended and me asking could we all try and do stuff together a bit more often.

id like to make it clear again that I completely appreciate that these things are two way and we make effort when we can to include granny (invites to the children’s birthdays etc), include our parents, initiating trips out or visits, phone calls, as often as we can with work, school, hobbies, etc. which are not reciprocated.

This is a lovely idea and will definitely do this!

I suspect that this is less about you and more about your children. Your dad in particular sounds that he has very particular views about children (the hot chocolate incident demonstrates that). I think they wanted a childfree meal tbh.
In your situation I'd be wondering if they've had enough of the weekly childcare arrangement. The parenting styles sound very different.
You are completely within your right to be a little surprised and ask 'Why wasn't I invited?'. That's not a demand for an invite rather a request for an explanation. The answer 'you've upset your mother' is a distraction and quite odd.
It's interesting how your dad has taken the lead. Does he consider himself 'head of the household'? I wonder if the invite might have been initiated by your mum but she considered your father's feelings above anything else so elected to exclude you (yes, on this occasion I feel you have been excluded). When confronted she's been torn by the conflict of interest and gone to pieces. Your father's stepped in to protect his family. Sadly he (and your mum by default) likely has a bit of a warped view of women and now sees you as your husbands 'property' and no longer his. It would be interesting to see the outcome if your OH had approached him.
Going forward, l don't really know what the answer is. Do you get much time alone with your mum? Whilst this post is about your situation I'd be keeping an eye on your mum. I suspect she has had a life time of wanting to keep your father happy. He's not interested you've upset your mother. He's upset you've challenged his wife, and by association him. How very dare you!

@Oldnproud - not at all. It's what jumped out at me from the information provided. My opinion.

Same here.

all sorts of excuses:

well you couldn’t come as no babysitter
x put it on Facebook. (As in sent invites out via, but as dh doesn’t have Facebook never got an invite)
well we told y about it.

I actually genuinely think they thought we were invited to things, even if we didn’t know about it and never were actually invited.

Were you not going to see Granny for her birthday anyway, unless it was as a piggyback on mother's party? Did it really take a stranger to suggest that you make your own arrangements with Granny.

Was going to pop and see her but will invite here instead as sounds a bit nicer for her x

A stranger?

If granny was at OPs parents house on her birthday, where else would OP have been able to find her to find her?
Two separate celebrations aren't necessary if all the family are invited to one.

YANBU. I could've written this myself. My adult sister lives with my parents and her and mum are constantly doing lovely things together and not inviting me. Whenever I've brought it up they use the excuse of me having the kids. I'm not a single mother. DH is very present and involved and has never once been funny about me wanting to go anywhere or do anything! And maybe I wouldn't be able to say yes every time, but just to be invited would be nice!

It's like they haven't thought about how you'd feel about it at all, just their own feelings.

Have you spoken to your brother or sister about it? Are they more on your page or your parents?

"You've upset your mother" translates as " you've called us out on not inviting you, we're guilty as fuck so we're turning it round on you"
I can see why you're upset.

If granny was at OPs parents house on her birthday, where else would OP have been able to find her to find her?
It doesn't have to be the actual day. The birthday was "yesterday", a weekday which is not ideal for school children nor their working parents. OP could have organised it the weekend before or after.
Two separate celebrations aren't necessary if all the family are invited to one.
Eighty-somethingss don't tend to have a packed social diary. They could have two (or more!) get-togethers for their birthday.

Agree, @mumoftoddlerandteen definitely grey rock and step back, but not NC, as they'd probably love this as would be able to go full on victim mode and how awfully hurt they are when they care so much.
Take the wind out of their sails by not giving any emotional response to their shitty behaviour that they can exploit.

And she says that they bought the eldest a hot chocolate and wouldn’t let the youngest have one when he’d asked.

The eldest is 16 and the youngest is 2. I'd understand them not giving a hot chocolate to a 2 year old (youngest). I think that having 3 kids in tow is the most likely reason OP was not invited.

OP, do you generally have a open and friendly relationship with your parents? If not, there's your answer, they are not nice. You do sound a bit detached from the rest of your family. Do you get on with our sis and brother individually?

you’ve upset your mother

Massive red flag signifying emotionally immature parents. Not surprised at all that they also have the MO of treating family members differently to cause hurt (either consciously or unconsciously) and do the opposite of bring the family together.

I'm sorry @mumoftoddlerandteen , I haven't got any advice that will change this dynamic long term. I know it is frustrating and incredibly disappointing to have parents like this (yes, I may well be projecting here and reading too much into your posts - I hope so) - lowering expectations is a must.

Inviting Granny to you separately seems a very good idea.

Message your dad back. Tell him you're not apologising for feeling or being excluded from a family event.. again and then just leave it. Enjoy the peace from the toxic fuckers.

They've started on your kids man. Don't let them feel like you do when they pull this crap.

The comment above sums it up sadly. I think inviting Granny over yourself is a great idea and in future, just invite her to yours. Don't wait for anyone else to do something, just do your own thing.

I agree with other PPs who said to find alternative childcare so your DPs can't hold it over you. Then you posted about the hot chocolate and it's looking as though they are starting the scapegoat/golden child on your own children and removing them from this would be best.

I think it's very unkind and clearly a pattern, Up to you if you want to have it out with them.

However, I do think you should have made the effort to see Granny, If you could have gone to your mum's you could go and see her at her house

Charming.

People do not always post exact information on MN for reasons of privacy.

And yes, of course it is all about the OP. She has posted because she is upset by what happened. That's the whole point of her starting the thread ffs.

I think you might want to keep a bit of a distance

Hi OP’s mum 👋

My DF used to say “don’t upset your mother” all the time. These are the words of an enforcer/ enabler aren’t they?

Re my brother and sister, I had war and peace from them about how I was being rude asking why we hadn’t been included and that our parents ‘do a lot for us’. For completeness, I should say that yes they do 1/2 day childcare for my youngest in term time but nothing else.

they renovated my brothers entire house with him, frequently lend my sister money for various things (as she chooses to live a life where her income is very up and down). My husband and I both have decent jobs with a fairly good income and so are not deemed in need of any financial help which of course I accept!! But the treatment between the three of us is different.

it doesn’t help the relationship between the three of us at all.

Jesus, they’re all at it? Grey rock the lot of them. They’re truly horrible to you.

Careful, don't want to upset her now

@mumoftoddlerandteen seems like it doesn't take much to upset your mother and your father isn't helping by enabling.

Also…should add that my mum will send birthday cards and presents to extended family - I’m talking my aunties uncles cousins etc (being her brothers and sisters or in laws and their children) and once I left home would refuse to put my name on the card saying that I needed to send my own - which I did at age 18!! Then when my brother and sister got to the same stage in life, continued to include them on cards etc!

I now don’t send cards to extended family members as I’ve decided that it was one of those jobs that I had to strike off my list - given that we’re barely keeping our head above water with the children, renovation, work and close family (!). She still won’t put me on there - Jesus woman just write ‘and the kids’ 😂😂😂

So your DM treats you badly and when you protest your DF says you've upset your DM by pointing out her bad behaviour and tells you to apologise to her.
This is classic DARVO, a tactic often employed by narcissistic abusers. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
As pps say your DF is her flying monkey ie backing her up so she doesn't attack him.
I would reduce contact and make it on your own terms, setting boundaries especially re your DCs.
Look up online about abusive narcissistic parents. Once you know their tactics you can recognise and defend yourself against them.