Does being unpopular bother you?

[Beingnobody]

I know I'm not hated or even strongly disliked, but people are hardly queueing up to be my friend.
People think I'm 'nice' but that's it.
Those sorts of friendships where you can call each other at 3am and drop everything, I don't have a single one.
I don't have a 'best friend'.
I've been in a new job for around 3 months and haven't made a single friend. Before people say that we aren't at work to make friends, many of my colleagues socialise and communicate out of work, it's just how it is at my job.
I do chat to people there, but haven't made any friends.
We've had 2 new women start recently and they've both been gushed over by colleagues, one of them is 21 and a colleague was saying, "Sorry but she..is...LOVELY."
They're both heavily described as lovely, as a good laugh and people who will fit write in.
I know one of my colleagues said I was nice, but I certainly don't fit in, I highly doubt I'm gushed over.
Sounds petty of me but every time I hear them being gushed over, even if I agree they're nice women, I want to just go elsewhere.
My partner is very popular, he's very sociable and charismatic.
I smile a lot, I have good hygiene, don't endlessly talk about myself. I can't think of anything massively off putting except for the fact that I'm a bit quiet and shy, and it seems like people don't want these traits in friends sadly, it doesn't draw people in.
Does anyone else accept they're unpopular and how do you cope?

Fit right in* I'm tired!

I think you're being hard on yourself. There's a world of difference between not being popular, and being unpopular.

Yes it does bother me. I'm not shy or quiet but I'm probably a bit unusual and that's why i don't fit. I can handle me not fitting in but I'm very sad my kids don't seem to fit in either.

(sorry have to run, late for work, but I'm try and come back later to answer more fully!)

I don’t really push myself out there so I don’t have friends that are the type I could ring at 3 in the morning. At work I am respected and people are nice to me (we have a few staff issues but in the main)

I know there are lots of cliques and parties groups at work go to but I don’t get involved as work to me is just work

try not to let this bother you

Yes that’s how I feel. I was in the office yesterday and everyone was gushing over a colleague and whilst I appreciate her attributes I just can’t get passed all the constant vocal support and admiration. Same with my friends in a group I socialise with. Can’t get over the worshipping of one particular person in the group but I keep my mouth firmly shut. I just accept I am not going to be that type of worshipped friend. Im just a bit more closed off and I would never ring a friend at 3am in the morning to have a heart to heart chat.

I accept it, but I don't cope well enough. I'm sure you do better than I do. I don't understand why I'm not popular as I try to fit in and join in. I guess my face just doesn't fit. I'd love to have a thick skin and just not care, but maybe that's my problem and I'm too sensitive.

All I can say is that my DH and DC adore me and that's all that matters. I hope you are loved by your family and remember that when transitory people in your life don't value your unique personality.

Feck no.

What your describing above isn't real friendship, it's a pack mentality that people who are mentally still at school exhibit.

I do have some work mates but they don't go on like that and I've know them for years. I'm talking about three people in two different departments in a huge org I've worked at for 12 years.

All that gushing and fussing is bollox.

Get on with your job and make some friends elsewhere

I think you are conflating two unrelated things. “Popularity” is massively overrated tbh. Popularity is not the same thing as having friends. People can be “popular” and widely disliked. It’s politics.

To answer your related question about making friends: it’s one of those things that correlates inversely with the amount of effort you make. Having real friendships isn’t something you can force and it comes from a place of confidence and comfort with yourself. The more you worry about this, the less confident and self assured you will be. People can “smell” the lack of confidence.

Try to not overthink your interactions with people at work (and elsewhere). Enjoy being in the moment and try to be yourself as much as possible. Three months is not long to make enduring friendships. You are being hard on yourself and need to relax.

I could have written this word for word.

It used to bother me.

Until I realised I actually didn't mind not having people bother me at 3am expecting me to drop everything, or get involved in their family dramas, or take their sides in employment disputes.

I guess I like my peace, and that's what you lose when you have a large social circle.

I have probably one 3am friend if I needed her but I can't see why I ever would as I have sisters. Work wise like another poster I am respected and helpful but not really included in their social lives. I'm fine with all of that. I don't particularly want to be included as I like to keep work totally separate. It doesn't bother me in the slightest TBF

Most people are pretty dreadful op...I'd take it as a compliment😉

I'm not hugely popular...In all honesty though there is a particular type of woman who I've noticed is always popular...they're usually friendly, never self conscious, slightly superficial as in keep to small talk and never get too deep into topics, not extremely opinionated, pretty in a non threatening rather dull way, conventional in every way possible. Not my kind of person at all but others seem to lap it up.

I’d try to rise above this, in all honesty. It sounds like work has a particular “type” that fits in, which isn’t you. So be it. It’s a bit like turning up to a Harley Davidson rally when what you wanted was a fell runners’ convention.

I’m nearing 40 now, and in all honesty it’s only in the past few years that I can see that this kind of dynamic isn’t about me or the others in the group - you just aren’t in the context that suits you best.

I don’t think anyone is ringing for a chat at 3am either! That’s crisis territory imo.

I don't think I'm very well liked at work. I am not quite sure why. I can't be arsed caring any more. I'm not in the crowd that meets up outside of work or on the separate WhatsApp group. I don't think DH is very popular at his work either. We mildly tolerate each other so it's ok. Also the dogs quite like me

I have never had anyone I could call at 3am. I’d adjust your expectations and your self worth. I don’t think work is a great place to make friends. Find a hobby that you can enjoy alongside other people. A sport/choir/community garden/volunteering/knitting/painting or start a book club and you might be more likely to come across like minded people. You have a partner so you are obviously good company and attractive to him. You need to find your people.

It used to bother me until I realised I was judging myself by other people's expectations. I think those kind of relationships are actually much more shallow than you'd presume.

Being nice is something that isn’t memorable as harsh as that is. It’s why nice people are often overlooked.

The people I know that have a lot of friends are confident, that’s it they come in all flavours. I have a hard arse friend who was in the heavyweight category for women’s boxing and on the opposite end a very devout Christian friend who is a prolific cake baker. Very different lives but both confident and like a laugh.

This. Being “nice” often can oddly stand in the way of making friends I think.

It often gives the impression that people are needy, dull or inauthentic and signals that the “you” you present is not the real thing. None of my close friends are what I would describe as “nice”. Be more selfish.

Sometimes I'm popular, sometimes hated, sometimes neutral. The best is a kind of neutral positive. Popular can get out of control pretty easily. You're too visible and people are always wanting a piece of you. Luckily, that happens a lot less now I'm older and fatter. The worst by far is being unpopular and bullied, but that doesn't sound like your situation.

Thanks so much for these replies everyone.

Being popular and having friends are two very different things. I have lots of friends that I met at different times and places throughout my life and have a good social life. I don't have one best friend though so had no bridesmaids when I got married as I felt a bit of a loser choosing someone knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated! I'm ok with this.

I'm definitely not popular though and find it hard to settle in new places. I did my PGCE in my 20s and all lectures and seminars were with the same group of 30 women. I'm not sure what was wrong with me but nobody liked me to the extent where if I arrived first and sat down, nobody else would sit on my table and it was embarrassing. Thinking about that year still hurts me but I think at least it made me a better teacher and a kinder person as I always look out for people in a similar position now.

I think the truth is less that people don’t want shy people as friends than it’s easier to connect with people who are very open and relaxed even if they don’t know the person very well. Those are the people I tend to end up making friends with quickly at work because they bridge that stranger divide for me in a way. There are lots of people I’ve never got past polite small talk with even though they seem like the type of person who I’d end up being great friends with if we worked closely together and got to know each other better.

I think what you are describing is normal. Those people being gushed over will soon be the people that are being bitched about.

I have worked in a few places and always felt like a spare part initially, then after six months to a year after people left, you sort of become part of the main crowd. It's a bit like hierarchies in the animal kingdom. We are nothing special!

I have a rule to never socialise with colleagues if the environment I work in is more corporate or formal as the politics make this very difficult. If it is a bit more relaxed it's not so bad.

I don't really have time for lots of friendships. I used to be very popular and had a large social group in my twenties, but now I have a few female friends I rarely see. I'm just too busy with work and kids and dedicate more time to my family and siblings and parents. I have conversations with people I bump into, like mums at school or other places I go to, but they are not friendships. I love it this way! Intense friendships would be too much for me right now, but i do worry about when the kids have flown the nest, and i think its a bit crap for our kids that we are not socialising with other families, but my mum was too busy for that too and I'm OK.

I know what you mean. I get on ok but I'm not in the cool gang at work and I get on with but I'm not super tight with my team. I don't mind not being in the main clique occasionally I feel left out of the more casusl stuff! That's what makes you feel a bit of an outsider I think. I do have an office pal now though, we're not in each others pockets but we do socialise a bit and I feel more of a sense of belonging. I don't need alllll the people, just a couple of them.

Nah I'm very unpopular always have been. Use to upset me as a child and teen, love it now. I'm socially awkward I find it exhausting. I love having my peace with no one bothering me or being glued to my phone messaging. I find it tiering dealing with peoples expectations all the time... why haven't you text back by this time? Being tied to nights out and events when all you want to do is sleep 😂 I can do what I want when I fancy it's lovely 🥰 I have family for interactions and as they are related to me and know me well they understand my quirks so don't take offence with my awkwardness x