Does being unpopular bother you?

[Beingnobody]

I know I'm not hated or even strongly disliked, but people are hardly queueing up to be my friend.
People think I'm 'nice' but that's it.
Those sorts of friendships where you can call each other at 3am and drop everything, I don't have a single one.
I don't have a 'best friend'.
I've been in a new job for around 3 months and haven't made a single friend. Before people say that we aren't at work to make friends, many of my colleagues socialise and communicate out of work, it's just how it is at my job.
I do chat to people there, but haven't made any friends.
We've had 2 new women start recently and they've both been gushed over by colleagues, one of them is 21 and a colleague was saying, "Sorry but she..is...LOVELY."
They're both heavily described as lovely, as a good laugh and people who will fit write in.
I know one of my colleagues said I was nice, but I certainly don't fit in, I highly doubt I'm gushed over.
Sounds petty of me but every time I hear them being gushed over, even if I agree they're nice women, I want to just go elsewhere.
My partner is very popular, he's very sociable and charismatic.
I smile a lot, I have good hygiene, don't endlessly talk about myself. I can't think of anything massively off putting except for the fact that I'm a bit quiet and shy, and it seems like people don't want these traits in friends sadly, it doesn't draw people in.
Does anyone else accept they're unpopular and how do you cope?

Yes it bothers me. I wouldn’t say I am an introvert, as a child and teen I was always out with friends, even going on holidays with friends’ families and never sat in my own room, but as I got older I’ve found it harder to make friends. I never made close friends at uni, I had lots of friends and people I would speak to, but no one I have kept in touch with. Same with any jobs I have done. I moved to this area 8 years ago and haven’t been able to make proper friends. All the school mums seem to have split into little groups. I do wonder if I just give a ‘don’t speak to me’ vibe.

I second a lot of these replies!
We are a tight knit family and I have always preferred spending time with my family over anyone else. I find other people exhausting 🤣 I have plenty enough acquaintances that I can chat to and a couple of people I could call in for a favour so I’m good! Work people are okay in the work setting and I’m not bothered about what they think of me. I ain’t there to be liked.
At 3am I’d be calling my mum!

I relate to this. As they say “you can’t control other people but you can control how you react to them”. I am pretty calm and friendly and no longer work myself up into a state over things I can’t control. When my self esteem was low, I did and said silly things which gave the gossips more to talk about.

There are lots of people I could call if there was an emergency that necessitated a 3am call (eg being rushed into hospital and needing childcare), not because we are best friends but because I know they are decent, capable, generous people.

I’ve never had the type of friendships where we spill are hearts out to each other or get overly involved in each others lives. Yet I have plenty of friends, some for over 30 years, and people I enjoy spending time with.

I think that's taking it too far tbh: I love spending time with my family but I think it's really important to have frames of reference outside of this.

You see so many people end up really adrift and lonely in middle age because they have become over-dependent on their marriage and children and the marriage fails or the children leave home. Even if that doesn't happen people can become incredibly insular without outside interests.

I'd say I'm similar to you OP.

I have no best friend or anyone I could call at 3am in an emergency except my husband.

I'm nice enough. Polite. Kind (to a certain extent) clean. Can chat and make small talk woth work colleagues but I feel like I'm a periphery person, a make up the numbers person. So I'm not a ring leader or popular. Colleagues and friendship groups in the past tend to connect to other people first, have in jokes etc and I always feel a bit left out. But I know I don't really make the effort because I'm a head down and get on with work/life person. I dont overshadowed troubles or issues in my life and get on with them.

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me. I do enjoy my own company and for example if I'm going for a coffee or shopping in town (clothes) I'll just go on my own and wouldn't ask someone to meet me. I also (as I've got older) hate being on other people's time and have little patience for lateness, dithering etc so prefer to just get on. Maybe I have a 'vibe' I've been told I seem confident and unapproachable but the opposite is true in actual fact and I do feel very uncertain in some circumstances and would love a friend on my wavelength- just never found it.

I’m very much ‘take me or leave me’ and i’m not bothered about whether I’m perceived as nice or not. Ironically, I’ve found that not caring means people gravitate towards you.

Whether you want them to or not is another matter entirely.

I'm not and have never been bothered by popularity, as I think it's a little shallow.
I do have a core group of friends that I've had for over 20 years. 3 of them fall into the "3am" category. Im not really interested in making new ones.
I get on with all of my colleagues but wouldn't class any as friends. We just all get on with one another and our jobs, but it's a small team of 10 and we go out together for team nights/dinners/drinks etc.

One thing that does spring to mind though, is that you are married.
I'm not, I have a partner which is very different, and I dont have kids either.

I think friendships tend to endure more and drift less when it's amongst unmarried people, as when people marry, their priorities tend to shift to those within the home rather than externally. I think this is sometimes just a natural thing and not indicative of popularity or whether youre a good person worthy of friendship etc, so i would personally say try not to worry about it.

Also if the 21yo at work is being cooed over for being LOVELY, I think her age may play a part in that.

Doesn't usually bother me but there are moments 🤷

At school I was relatively popular - everyone wanted to know who I was dating, engaged with me on social media, I was invited out etc but looking back I only had a couple of genuine friends. People definitely gossiped about me. I found that being popular always leads to someone disliking you for some reason, even if they’re nice to begin with. Eg acquaintances get annoyed if they think you’re “better” in some way. This is true at work too. Watch your colleagues turn on the “lovely 21 year old” if she gets a promotion above them!

I’ve worked w ‘nice’ people who are good to work with - pleasant, have chit chat, but the connection just isn’t there to continue the friendship out of the office really (ok in group but not one to one).
I wouldn’t say I was popular or unpopular. I have some really good friends but I’m not in a big friendship group (have a couple of small ones with 2/3 people) although I make friends easily now I’m older they are sometimes circumstantial like ‘mum friends’ (now DCs have finished with school I’m not in touch with most anymore - covid was the nail in that coffin really!). I did make really good friends in my last workplace, and we still see each other, which is great! Some of it is luck and fit really.
Friends are v important to me so I’ll always nurture good friendships and I’m always open to new people.

At work, you need to remember that friendships are fickle.

2nd job I had, I was popular but passed aside with opportunities to develop although seen as reliable. I did notice that the people who did develop had lots of infighting and otherwise friendly people changed towards them. Work friendships are fickle. I was definitely given special treatment by managers. Had people give me cards and gifts when I left etc. Regularly went out with colleagues and they cared about my personal life eg how I was getting on at uni and checked if I was okay.

3rd job was at a different site of the employer of job 2. It’s only after working in 2 offices of the same employer, that I noticed how good I had it at job 2. At job 3 no one really cared about me, they disregarded the fact I’ve been in the role already and acted as if I was a newbie and it was very competitive. They were unkind and didn’t even speak to me - tbh it did impact my mental health and my confidence was knocked. However I was again seen an extremely competent and reliable- it took them a while to see that. I would say this was a bit of a career blip.

No idea if I am popular or unpopular. I don't have and don't want any person I'd call on at 3am, as I wouldn't want anyone calling me. I'm not friends with any of my colleagues, the management team I'm on all message each other outside of work, but I'm not part of that, work and private life are kept totally separate.

I sound like a right miserable bugger, but I'm happy with the way things are.

I agree that being 'nice' can hold you back!
It can come across as a little bit dull, no real opinions or passion about anything (even if that isn't the case).
Some of my friends are loud and opinionated and that leads to some decent meaty conversations, I have been described as balanced but direct recently.
When I went through my 'nice' faze (ages 16-20 as parents drummed it into me that I had to be nice to everyone regardless of whether I liked them or not.....I think they confused nice with polite but it caused endless issues through my teens) I wasn't particularly popular however as soon as I developed my own personality away from my parents people were definitely more drawn to me.

At my current job, I have been both popular and unpopular.

When I started I was extremely popular in every possible way and got promoted quickly.

But this led to people who I thought were friends turning against me and being horrid, catty comments, expecting me to do their work etc.

I now keep my head down and am definitely on the peripheral of the office clique. I’m no longer invited out, not added into group chats and generally not seen as part of the team. It’s so weird, as it’s literally people who I was speak to every day and socialise outside of work with that leave me out the most! When I leave, I doubt I’ll even get a card. Whereas this time last year, I got showered in gifts for my birthday, was always given public praise/shout outs, awards etc. to be fair, a lot of my friends have left too.

I rather like being unpopular if I'm honest. I like to keep people at arms length. I find spending too much time or being too familiar with people tiring and stressful. I have also had too much experience of needy/demanding friends and I just can't be bothered, I'm happy here in my own little world!

@DriedFlowersLiveForever I agree with your post. My parents 100% taught me to be nice and it translated into shyness/quietness to me as I essentially had a lack of personality and was overly polite. I was able to make proper friends once I stopped that and acted normal!

One more thing - having people to call at 3am is nice but we’re all working adults. My friends might not be able to answer a call at 3am all the time. But they are there for me in different ways and would drop things to make sure I’m okay. Eg help me with moving, go on holiday together, come round for a pep talk etc. if you have people in your life that do that, you’re fine even if they don’t answer your call at 3am!

I think calling at 3am and dropping everything looks good on tv shows only. Normal people have lives and you really wouldn't want to be bothered with this kind of faff. What is worth looking for, is friendship where you can carry on with your life and not see each other for few weeks or months and still have something to talk about. You're very lucky your husband adores you, appreciate his friendship too. All the best, OP.

Is it possible that how you feel about yourself may be coming over subconsciously in your interactions? People with less self esteem who see themselves as unpopular and not someone you'd want as a friend tend to be guarded and give off signals that keep people at a certain distance. Now if you stopped looking at how other people saw you and perhaps saw yourself as more than 'nice' and someone people would want to be friends with by putting yourself out there more confidently about who you are as a person, you might give off different vibes.

It's overwhelmingly women who are brought up to be "nice". Blokes tend not to have that drummed into them and consequently most of them don't worry about this.

It's no accident that they tend to get further in life and society IMHO. They tend not to tie themselves up in knots worrying about how other people see them. There are downsides to this of course but it does mean that what you see is more likely to be closer to what you get.

I think teaching girls to be "nice" has a lot to answer for in our society. Be respectful, courteous, considerate, empathetic by all means. But "niceness" to me instils the idea of a bland, inoffensive person without opinions, convictions or substance who lacks the will to stand up for what they believe in.

I think it tends to draw manipulative people as they instinctively think a nice person is a target. And it repels more robust people as it feels inauthentic.

It's my least favourite compliment and I would not want my DD to be described as "nice".

Are you me? I think people would also describe me as ‘nice’.

Other people seem to get invited to x, y, z, but if I want to meet up for coffee, I generally have to initiate it. Although I seem to know a lot of people, they’re more acquaintances then friends.

Does it bother me? Yes, it does (although not bothered about being part of the cool gang, just a friendship group). However, I’ve come to terms with it and socialise through attending clubs etc. Disappointedly, my dc seems to have inherited these traits which upsets me even more.

I have a "call at 3am friend" but moved away, so calling is all it could really be anymore! I haven't made true friends in two years since moving here - I think I have good chat, but struggle to move from "school gate/work acquaintance" to the next step.

Funnily enough, most of my non-family social interaction comes courtesy of cancer - no visitors allowed at chemo sessions combined with being surrounded by people having similar experiences seems to accelerate social interaction/emotional intimacy. I've been invited to something by someone new for the first time in years! My mum said "it only took cancer for you to make some friends eh!"🤣

I used to feel like you do but I realised that actually I had as many friends as I had emotional bandwidth for. I like the idea of a massive circle of friends and a busy social life, but in reality I enjoy pottering about on my own a lot of the time. If I wanted that kind of social life I’d have to put in far more effort than I wanted to.

I think you get what you put in, but I don’t put effort in because I cba quite frankly

im quiet at work and get on with my job and I’m used to being told how hilarious x is, or how kind y is. If I’m truthful I don’t always think what they’ve done warrants or equals the gushing comments but I’d never say that 😂

I’d be useless if someone called me at 3am as my phones on silent 😅

but I’m comfortable with a few close ish friends who I do make an effort with and likewise they make an effort with me too.

I don’t think I’d have the energy to be a very popular person anyway

what I would say is comparison is the thief of joy… be careful what you’re comparing to and if it’s even a true reality.