Does being unpopular bother you?

[Beingnobody]

I know I'm not hated or even strongly disliked, but people are hardly queueing up to be my friend.
People think I'm 'nice' but that's it.
Those sorts of friendships where you can call each other at 3am and drop everything, I don't have a single one.
I don't have a 'best friend'.
I've been in a new job for around 3 months and haven't made a single friend. Before people say that we aren't at work to make friends, many of my colleagues socialise and communicate out of work, it's just how it is at my job.
I do chat to people there, but haven't made any friends.
We've had 2 new women start recently and they've both been gushed over by colleagues, one of them is 21 and a colleague was saying, "Sorry but she..is...LOVELY."
They're both heavily described as lovely, as a good laugh and people who will fit write in.
I know one of my colleagues said I was nice, but I certainly don't fit in, I highly doubt I'm gushed over.
Sounds petty of me but every time I hear them being gushed over, even if I agree they're nice women, I want to just go elsewhere.
My partner is very popular, he's very sociable and charismatic.
I smile a lot, I have good hygiene, don't endlessly talk about myself. I can't think of anything massively off putting except for the fact that I'm a bit quiet and shy, and it seems like people don't want these traits in friends sadly, it doesn't draw people in.
Does anyone else accept they're unpopular and how do you cope?

I think it tends to draw manipulative people as they instinctively think a nice person is a target. And it repels more robust people as it feels inauthentic.

Exactly!

Nice people are easy targets for nasty people to walk over. And simultaneously hard for normal people to get to know, as being nice might mean you tolerate things you shouldn’t or feel uncomfortable expressing your personal views etc as to not upset someone. It’s like you might come across as a robot or AI or something & fade yourself into the background.

@Newuswr yes I was painfully shy too, probably because I was not being my authentic self and so it came across weirdly to others!

I thought I was invisible at school. Twenty years later it turned out all eyes were on me! As you settle into your bones and become your authentic self you draw like minded people to you. Now if you are selective and like certain traits in people like a shared sense of humour or a passion for a certain kind of social justice or something then you will naturally draw in less people, less of them exist. But they are worth so much more so focus on reflecting on who you are and not who you appear to be. Things become much clearer when you have a full picture of who you are.

I was not popular as a child then popular as a Mum friend - it was hard work. You’ve got to reciprocate the 3am phone calls and all the care you’re given you have to give back. To be honest I didn’t have the energy to maintain friendships like that with multiple women. I’m very close to DH and my mum plus my best friend from uni and those relationships were enough.

I distanced myself from the group and feel a lot better for it. Sometimes being popular can be a drag

What you describe is my normal. I am not unfriendly but I don't really "do" having friends. I'm just not the most sociable of animals and prefer my own company much of the time.

I am rather an introvert and even in my teens and my student years I rarely liked going out.

I've seen that sort of gushing on here, usually when it's a troll thread about a child or a husband who is dying. I am full of sympathy for anyone who is in a difficult situation, but when you've got people en masse saying I love you, I'm thinking of you every minute of the day and so on when it's someone on a dubious thread, it makes me doubt that poster's integrity. The same people are to be found on a lot of the royal family threats. Take your time and look around the office. There may well somebody you have overlooked who would make a really good friend.

OP u sound like me. It used to bother me but not anymore. I'm late 30s and I've given up trying to find a bestie. Too much hassle. If someone wants me they can find me cjs it's too tiring me trying and getting nowhere

I regard only being unpopular disappointing.
I’m from Lincolnshire we aim to be unbearable if not loathed.

I never said I didn’t have frames of reference outside my family, I said I prefer spending time with them. And that includes much wider family members than my partner and children. Although to me, whilst they’re young especially, I want to be with my children. They’re a lot more fun and interesting than most adults.

Same as @Stripeybluetop "Yes it does bother me. I'm not shy or quiet but I'm probably a bit unusual and that's why i don't fit".

Not one jot... weeded out"friends" left with the genuine few, who I love dearly. Could not give a s••• what anybody else thinks or says x

I was never popular at school and I don't have any long term close friends. I have "work friends" but we don't message outside of work or hang out. It doesn't bother me at all because I love to keep to myself! I prefer being alone and getting on with my own things or spending time with my partner. He is much more sociable and extrovert than I am.

I think overall I'm not bothered because I don't make that much effort to make friends. I get along well with pretty much everyone I know though, so I'm happy

"I think what you are describing is normal. Those people being gushed over will soon be the people that are being bitched about."

I agree with this, my last job had the same happening. The manager was loud and gushy and not authentic in anyway. I'm sure the new starts will be cringing inside with this attention.

Be content with who you are, know your worth and be glad not to be the focus of this nonsense. 💐

Could have written this post myself. Sums it up for me too👍

Not sure I trust anyone who would gush about another in front of an audience in an OTT way. Nobody can be THAT wonderful and I question the motives of the person gushing. It is a form of indirect negging as it makes people who hear the gushing feel insecure about themselves.

I would give such immature and shallow people a wide berth. Be glad they are not gushing about you. You know how some people build others up only to knock them down later.

So, if being too nice makes your unpopular, what’s the solution? How do you be less nice?

It used too, but the older I've got the less I give a shit about whether or not I'm popular or what people think about me

I’ve got to the point of not caring. Had friends over the years and not really kept in touch. The older I get, the quieter a life I prefer. I have my husband who makes friends wherever he goes. He’s still my best friend and confidant. I have my sister and cousin who I go on spa trips with and my family. I’m happy with that and have just learnt that life is better without the effort and/drama.
You may or may not make a new friend or some OP, still give yourself a break.

I was thinking about this thread over the weekend. Generally have accepted I’m not in the ‘in’-crowd, and although I don’t mind being in the inner-inner circle, some things do bother me.

For example, work colleague had a birthday recently. Loads of ‘have a happy birthday’ messages on the work WhatsApp group. For my birthday (which fell over a weekend) a few months back, not one message. They did know it was my birthday, as several people had their birthdays that month so birthdays was a hot topic of conversation. So although not being one of the popular girls doesn’t bother me, little things like that does.

Aww, I would have wished you happy birthday. No one should be left out when you're part of a team.

I was just thinking this exact thing after watching the Big Brother final, seeing who made it to the final 3 made me lose faith in the British public and what their values must be in humans.