Does being unpopular bother you?

[Beingnobody]

I know I'm not hated or even strongly disliked, but people are hardly queueing up to be my friend.
People think I'm 'nice' but that's it.
Those sorts of friendships where you can call each other at 3am and drop everything, I don't have a single one.
I don't have a 'best friend'.
I've been in a new job for around 3 months and haven't made a single friend. Before people say that we aren't at work to make friends, many of my colleagues socialise and communicate out of work, it's just how it is at my job.
I do chat to people there, but haven't made any friends.
We've had 2 new women start recently and they've both been gushed over by colleagues, one of them is 21 and a colleague was saying, "Sorry but she..is...LOVELY."
They're both heavily described as lovely, as a good laugh and people who will fit write in.
I know one of my colleagues said I was nice, but I certainly don't fit in, I highly doubt I'm gushed over.
Sounds petty of me but every time I hear them being gushed over, even if I agree they're nice women, I want to just go elsewhere.
My partner is very popular, he's very sociable and charismatic.
I smile a lot, I have good hygiene, don't endlessly talk about myself. I can't think of anything massively off putting except for the fact that I'm a bit quiet and shy, and it seems like people don't want these traits in friends sadly, it doesn't draw people in.
Does anyone else accept they're unpopular and how do you cope?

I’m the same. I do have some lovely friends and probably 1 or 2 who I could call anytime. But I’m quiet introverted and do like my time to myself.

I have siblings who are very popular and gregarious and have people flocking round them. It only bothers me when I feel overlooked by others in the family, but as a whole I’m pretty happy and don’t want to be more extroverted

I used to but now I don't. It's fantastic, try it!

Ultimately you have to have your own back. You have to love on yourself. People will come and go, have their own agendas etc. Don't waste a moment longer on thinking or feeling negatively about it.

No.

Being popular doesn't really mean anything except that you're good at fitting in and saying/doing the right things to the right people.

It doesn't mean you're likeable or a good person, although of course you can be popular and lovely.

I've never been popular. At school I barely had any friends. I'm introverted and socially awkward and tend to prefer my own company. That said, I really long for good friends and often feel lonely. I have no one I could call at 3am. I hate being in a situation where others are getting on and they ignore me. I lived in a flat and I get ignored by a young couple with a baby - I think they see me as weird and maybe indifferent even though I do try to make an effort.

I don't have much family either and with my only relative being in very poor health it occurred to me the other day that I don't have a single friend who would actually be there - I mean beyond a text saying 'that's awful, hope you're ok.'

Generally I don't mind my own company or being unpopular per se. But I do feel the absence of good involved friends.

Thanks you've made me feel better. All the over the top gushing really does my head in. It'll probably still get me down sometimes but I know I have to be my own best friend and love myself.

wouldn’t say I’m popular and I am naturally shy and quiet in a group setting, but I do have 5 incredible friendships in my life, and they weren’t formed because of good hygiene or politeness.

I find them all incredibly interesting and smart and funny, and I really love them, flaws and all. Being a bit silly, a bit self deprecating, having opinions about things, marvelling in each other’s similarities and differences.

It’s worth noting that these friendships were formed one to one and not in a group setting - maybe this is more your style if you are quieter.

I’m in no way trying to brag about my friendships here but am highlighting the point you might be thinking about friendship in a logical way, and you have to give a little of yourself to get it back.

I hope you find the friendships you’re looking for.

I’d say that I used to be unpopular because I was very shy and quiet.

These days, I’d say that I’m fairly popular in a one to one situation. If I’m in a group I’ll tend to stay quiet because I don’t like all the banter - that isn’t the type of conversation that interests me because it’s so ego-based. I tend to focus more on whether I like someone and if I like them and can have a conversation with them, I know they will like me.

I feel you - I have mates, people I’ll chat to but other than my other half I don’t feel like I have any close friends. Like, there’s people I could invite to my wedding but no-one to be bridesmaids. I don’t really know how to make friends any more, I guess.

When I was a kid it was like, oh, you like Take That too? Cool. Now we’re inseparable besties and will tell each other everything. Now…what? How does it work? How do you move from ‘sure, let’s have a coffee, catch up regularly and have a good banter on Whatsapp outside that’ to ‘you are part of my support network and if shit goes sideways, I know I can call you anytime and you’ll help (and I’d do the same)’. I’ve tried being vulnerable and sharing things. I’ve been there for others. But…I can’t seem to cross that threshold into close friends. How does that bit happen?

If anyone has an answer, please can you share? Asking for a friend!

I'm the one that ex-colleagues will say, 'Oh, we will miss you, keep in touch', then block me on social media within days. The same colleagues who excluded me from team meals/ evenings out.
I have 3 friends, but they still aren't the 'call at any time' friends.

I'm resigned to it now, but it does sting, and I guess the realisation it must be me rather than them. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ND after all after reading so many threads on here, I'm joining the dots.

I agree that being popular isn't the same as not having friends.

I don't think I'm popular, I don't make friends easily, I'm introverted and rather intense. I found it hard to find my friends. But I was fortunate and I did eventually.

I do have people in my life who I really like and admire and consider good friends, but I know they don't feel the same about me. I find that more painful than being popular tbh. I've never really enjoyed doing the things the popular people do.

What I want to know is who the hell is calling their friends at 3am. Unless it’s a dire emergency (ie you are suicidal, you need me to go to hospital with you, you need me to watch one of your children so that you can go to the hospital, someone has died) then I would not appreciate being called at 3am

I think as I’ve got older I’ve realised sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don’t. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Some people seem to click with more people, but it seems to work both ways where they seem to like more people as well. I prefer to focus on fewer people who I have things in common with and ‘get me’. It’s part of knowing yourself really. I find if I try to befriend people who I Iike more than they like me, it never works/sticks. I do often fall for the popular people in the office too (superficially) and understand why they are popular but can observe they are completely different to me and that would never be me. Too popular people haven’t got the werewithal to be proper friends to everyone.

I'm the same. Always on the outside of groups. Never feel like I properly fit in.

Does it bother me? Yes TBH it does. Every time I come across a new group of people (whether its a new job, or a new social group) it hurts when I start to get excluded and others meet up, but either no-one thinks to invite me or I deliberately get excluded (I like to think its the former)

I've kind of given up now TBH. I do try to fit in better, but I just dont.

While I agree with pps that ‘popular’ isn’t the same as ‘having good friendships’, this type of thread, bemoaning a lack of friends, very often strikes a similar note — ‘I’m nice, I don’t do anything wrong, so why don’t people want to be my friend?’

But friendships aren’t about finding someone inoffensive! Look what you say about yourself — that you don’t have personal hygiene problems, you smile a lot and don’t ‘talk endlessly about yourself’. You make yourself sound like magnolia paint! There must be more to you than that?

Interesting thread. I don't like the idea of being popular as it seems superficial. I also do not like the idea of a BFF. I had 3 'BFFs' over the span of 40 years but now I have a number of friends from different part and times of my life. I think I am not unpopular but not popular either.

I bet they aren't gushing to the faces of the other new people- you don't know what they're saying about you when you're not there.

I've definitly had some enemies at work, but I was touched at how many people turned up go my leaving do a couple of months ago. I don't think you always know who is on your sid.

There are so many of us like this. I’m the same. My best friend is my husband for the love of god 😅 I was always tired of not having good friends but I accepted it now, I have my family and it’s great.
I’d be happy to cultivate new friendships but I am not overly social myself so… Yeah.

@TheOGCCL

Too popular people haven’t got the werewithal to be proper friends to everyone.

This is a really interesting point and one that gets overlooked a lot.

Quite often (not always) people who are really "popular" are just people who have developed very good political and masking skills: they have learned to present themselves in the right way, read the crowd well and give out the vibe they feel is needed to fit in.

That's a useful skill to have but it doesn't necessarily mean they are great at intimate friendships and it fact it's often at odds with the skills needed to build lifelong friendships.

Very popular and political people can often lack substance and depth, they are also often very busy and thinly spread and don't have time to keep up with people. Sometimes the whole reason why popularity matters so much to them is that they are insecure and the need to be seen to be accepted is much greater than the quality of the actual relationships.

I'm not saying all popular people are thin-skinned and fake by any means. But I wouldn't fall into the trap of assuming that people who are superficially popular have better friendships. Quite often the opposite is true.

It's a turn of phrase not a literal thing usually.

I suppose what it means is a friend with whom you are comfortable enough that:

• you can trust them with deep, sensitive and potentially embarrassing information and not worry it will go astray or be used against you
• you don't have to worry overly about plesantries
• you can sometimes expect them to inconvenience themselves on your behalf if you need them to

Very few people have more than a handful of friends which tick all these boxes

I have one good friend. We have been friends for many many years and could call each other at 3am.

However, as much as I value this friendship, at times it can be quite draining. She can over dramatise things and read far too much into innocent things and I never hear the last of it!

I would never want to lose her as a friend but I do sometimes wish she wouldn't continually contact me with her relatively minor issues!

I would add that I'd be happy for her to contact me all the time if she was having major problems!

So what I'm trying to say is that you should cherish the peace and quiet and lack of drama. Friendships aren't always what they seem!

I think it used to bother me, but when I got to my 30s I just really learnt to accept and appreciate myself for who I am. It's a lovely feeling.

The people I know who are universally liked and instantly popular when they join a new team for example have the same traits. They're outgoing, friendly, bubbly, always telling funny stories. I really like them too, but can match their energy for a short time only before I'm exhausted. It's the extroverts who give out a lot of energy to the world who are popular and the introverts who need to go into themselves to recharge who are not.

I have a colleague who I describe as human sunshine. Her energy is incredible, I've never met anyone who couldn't instantly like her. I'm me and happy being me, but if I ever need to not be me for a bit (group tasks or meeting groups of new people) I channel her a little bit.

That makes a lot of sense.

one of my old friends who I don’t really talk to anymore is super popular. She is extremely selfish and self centred. I often wonder how she is so popular.

I feel the same way op. I’m nice. I always help people at my work. Even people who aren’t nice to me, I still help them when they ask. Im not popular. People don’t notice me. When I do go to work events I typically end up awkwardly standing or sitting alone. No one ever comes over to talk to me. Sometimes I will join people and then they will
go get a drink and end up talking to someone else. I avoid the staff room and just stay in my office most days! I have a couple other friends outside of work, at my hobby. Plus a few mum friends!

I wasn't very popular when I was younger - but I was very shy and insecure and thought no one liked me. As I've matured, I've become a bit of a crazy nutter who talks to anyone and everyone (making up for lost time). People seem to like me.

However, I am unsure if the perception that people like me is reality, or if it's the fact I no longer care if they do and therefore do not dwell on it.

Honestly, being popular sounds draining.

I've got 4 really good friends, I see most of them once a month or so (one moved to Belgium a few years ago, so I tend to mostly speak to them online these days). Between that and extended family, I've got way more socialising than I really want. I'm a bit of an introvert so most of the time I'd rather just spend time with DP and DD anyway.

I'd imagine that you're always having to turn people down if you're popular, which I'd feel bad about. Every ones always nice to me, and I don't struggle to find someone to go for a pint with when I do fancy one, but I'm quite glad that people tend to forget about me when I'm not around.

No. I embrace it. My children’s school staff couldn’t stand me but that was because I wouldn’t let them half arse implement their EHCPs to suit themselves rather than my child and I challenged them every step of the way. This filtered down to other parents who were on good terms with staff/volunteers etc. I couldn’t care less. My kids are doing ok now so it’s a win for me.