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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making zero effort for gcses-how easy will retakes be ?

78 replies

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:19

AIBU to just stop nagging her now because every day is a battle. Do I need to step back and let her get on with it and research about retakes for the point in time where she realises she messed up?DD has asd and is intelligent but refuses to do any work the last year ?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 19/04/2023 16:24

If she's intelligent she might wing it. One of mine was like this and she managed to get a good set of GCSEs .... not as good as she was capable of, but enough for 6th forms/A levels.

Very frustrating though!

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:26

FrenchandSaunders · 19/04/2023 16:24

If she's intelligent she might wing it. One of mine was like this and she managed to get a good set of GCSEs .... not as good as she was capable of, but enough for 6th forms/A levels.

Very frustrating though!

She failed every mock as sat there and wrote nothing I’m at my limit nothing will make her see she needs to try

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Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:29

I feel like nothing I say or do will help so I’m going to research how to do retakes and just keep quiet as it seems the more attention I give to the issue the worse it gets

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ChimChimeny · 19/04/2023 16:31

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:29

I feel like nothing I say or do will help so I’m going to research how to do retakes and just keep quiet as it seems the more attention I give to the issue the worse it gets

You've answered your own question there, she doesn't listen & actually probably digs her heels in more when you 'nag' so I'd just let her get on with it.
Realistically what can you do anyway?! You can't force her to do the work so as hard & frustrating as it is

ChimChimeny · 19/04/2023 16:32

You need to let her fail

WheelsUp · 19/04/2023 16:33

What does she want to do in September? Does she need certain grades?

hellswelshy · 19/04/2023 16:34

I'm in the exact same position though for my dd it's her mocks and 1st year GCSES that are upcoming. Nagging her and piling pressure on only causes friction with her, stresses her and me! Instead we had a chat to say I wouldn't be nagging or forcing her to do work, said I would support her whatever happens but that I was also here if she needed support with revision. It's like it took the weight off abit as she seems to be doing a bit more now. My dd potentially has adhd and is very bright but doesn't believe she is, its frustrating.

x2boys · 19/04/2023 16:35

I think they can only retake maths and English, college?
my sons in year eleven ,he's missed the entire last half term at school.as he was extremely unwell,and was on critical care for several.weeks ,he's not academic anyway so I wasnt expecting fabulous results
hopefully he will.get enough results to.get onto.a level two, course but im.really not stressing him out about them ,considering what he's been through .

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:35

WheelsUp · 19/04/2023 16:33

What does she want to do in September? Does she need certain grades?

No the course she wants to do has no entry requirements. She was on track to do a levels and suddenly changed her mind totally and chose this course which I feel was to make it easy to then have no expectations.

Up till year 11 she did so well and then just stopped totally.

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Ihategoingtothehairdressers · 19/04/2023 16:35

She's failed her mocks but has time to improve and you feel like giving up now because you don't like nagging. Yes, YABU.

Taptap2 · 19/04/2023 16:36

Does she know what she wants to do afterwards? This helps my ASD child and motivates them.

is she completely overwhelmed by the scale of the revision?

Another choice is just focus on one English, Maths and 3/4 others so she passes them. She can do BTECs instead of retakes which at be more suitable for her if all else fails?

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:37

Ihategoingtothehairdressers · 19/04/2023 16:35

She's failed her mocks but has time to improve and you feel like giving up now because you don't like nagging. Yes, YABU.

But she won’t revise, won’t do any work in class, won’t go to her tutor sessions , nothing. The more I nag the worse she gets . What shall I do ? Because I really don’t know

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TreeByLeaf · 19/04/2023 16:37

I’d contact your local college and ask. They might have a fast track gcse programme where you can do resits in a year. But you might need to have a decent reason for requiring that option. Otherwise colleges will have courses for everyone from Entry Level / Level 1 up. It’s just such a shame if she’s bright if she gets stuck working far below her ability. Have you taken her for a look around do she can see for herself ?

MintJulia · 19/04/2023 16:38

'She failed every mock as sat there and wrote nothing I’m at my limit nothing will make her see she needs to try.'

Then back away and let her fail. She needs to realise that the only person who can pass them is her. Let her face a life, not going to college with her friends, but long hours on minimum wage.

It doesn't sound like anything else will get through.

x2boys · 19/04/2023 16:38

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:35

No the course she wants to do has no entry requirements. She was on track to do a levels and suddenly changed her mind totally and chose this course which I feel was to make it easy to then have no expectations.

Up till year 11 she did so well and then just stopped totally.

Show quote history

A levels ,are not the be All and end all.there are loaded of courses she could do..

Donotgogentle · 19/04/2023 16:38

Tbh this sounds like a bigger problem than lack of revision, she’s disengaging quite widely.

Does she still go to school?

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:41

Donotgogentle · 19/04/2023 16:38

Tbh this sounds like a bigger problem than lack of revision, she’s disengaging quite widely.

Does she still go to school?

She goes every day, 100% attendance ! I think she thrives on that routine but when there she does nothing, she used to be a perfectionist and work really hard but suddenly stopped. The school have tried as hard as me and they can’t get anywhere

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hiredandsqueak · 19/04/2023 16:41

I feel for you. I have five dc, two ASD only one of them made any effort tbf yet they all passed all the GCSEs they sat A* to C and 9 to 5. Chances are she will pull it out of the bag on the day. Don't underestimate how much the ASD will be having an impact. Certainly my two would say I've learned it once, why do I need to look at it again? Their schools seemed to do an awful lot of revision anyway as I'm sure yours do I opted to allow them to relax (school for the 2 ASD was awfully stressful) because tbf you can force them to sit infront of their books for hours each day and yet without them willingly studying they won't learn anything.

lanthanum · 19/04/2023 16:43

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:26

She failed every mock as sat there and wrote nothing I’m at my limit nothing will make her see she needs to try

Show quote history

Has anyone managed to explore with her the reasons for this (possibly best not you)?

Maybe it's a defensive strategy - if she doesn't try, then failing is not because she's not clever enough. (Hopefully, having lowered expectations, she might at least try for the real thing.)

Maybe it's overwhelm and she couldn't get started.

How is her mental health generally?

I think you're probably right that you need to remove any pressure from you.

I'm not sure that retakes are the right thing to research at the moment; it doesn't sound like she's going to be that keen on trying again. It might be better to look around for a college course with minimal entry requirements. If she can find something she enjoys, that might get her motivated. If she can't, then the need for GCSEs or an access course to study something different might be the motivation she needs. Or she might go the Open University route at some point in the future - which doesn't need GCSEs/A-levels.

NotHangingAround · 19/04/2023 16:44

I'd be inclined to ask her why. ASD pupils can feel totally overloaded and unable to cope, which can put them into 'freeze' mode.

Instead of nagging, just say, 'You are capable of passing these and in the long course of your life time you will feel very grateful to yourself that you did. If you fail now you'd only have to resit later and it won't get any easier. You don't have to get top marks in anything - just scrape through, and you're bright enough to do this. What do you think has caused you to freeze up?

DS2 (also ASD) was like this. Total overwhelm. We worked out that he just didn't really understand how to revise. We chatted about different approaches and he decided he best liked watching revision videos on the subject, so we found lots online, he did that and then he'd make notes on little index cards or on his laptop.

I also encouraged him to check how much he knew by telling me stuff. I'd ask questions and if he couldn't remember, he'd just check again. GCSEs are hard for some ASD students who prefer a narrower, deeper range of interests. Once he got past them into A levels, he was fine.

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:46

I’m wondering if it’s the perfectionism

Maybe she has thought of she does nothing then it’s better than trying really hard and not getting the highest grades ? That’s the only thing I can think of

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Hankunamatata · 19/04/2023 16:47

If she sat in an various mock exams and wrote nothing on the exam papers - are the school not concerned about her mental health?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/04/2023 16:47

If she has always been hard working and keen, could it be that something jas happened to her this last year to make her depressed or out of sorts? Any major friendship or relationship issues? Any big changes in the family? Might she have had a negative experience which has knocked her?

hiredandsqueak · 19/04/2023 16:47

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:41

She goes every day, 100% attendance ! I think she thrives on that routine but when there she does nothing, she used to be a perfectionist and work really hard but suddenly stopped. The school have tried as hard as me and they can’t get anywhere

Show quote history

I imagine she's in a total panic with anxiety and she can't cope so has opted out. Ds and dd went to specialist ASD schools so they were better placed to support them through the process. It was very low key and they weren't expected to study at home and have never done homework and for dd with just two lessons a week on Maths English Science etc they managed to complete the syllabus and do some revision in school.

Original poster
Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:48

Hankunamatata · 19/04/2023 16:47

If she sat in an various mock exams and wrote nothing on the exam papers - are the school not concerned about her mental health?

They’ve offered lots of extra revision classes if she was worried but she refused to go
her form tutor has tried to talk to her and they made a referral to the counsellor but she didn’t go

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