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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making zero effort for gcses-how easy will retakes be ?

78 replies

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:19

AIBU to just stop nagging her now because every day is a battle. Do I need to step back and let her get on with it and research about retakes for the point in time where she realises she messed up?DD has asd and is intelligent but refuses to do any work the last year ?

OP posts:
PlanningQuestions · 19/04/2023 18:08

It's really hard to retake, unless Maths or Enlish. My DC could do with retaking several but they're not on offer at her sixth form college. Her old school won't accept external entries and we can't find a single place she can register externally for some subjects, despite using a list from the exam board.

College say rhey don't offer them as all you need are the basic grades to get to the next stage. So there's no provision to improve on your grade, as there used to be.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2023 18:13

She can go down to maths English plus science. We have quite a few who have dropped down. A couple who are now at separate education sites (hospital school equivalent) have dropped down to 2.

it is getting very close though to not being able to change.

in terms of resits maths/English are common. We are putting through science as well as put on wrong tier. Beyond that you would either need to find a college place that funded this or potentially pay. Exams are expensive so you could pay.

get to the bottom of why I suspect perfectionism and a fear of failing is meaning she is taking control ad failing

PollyPeptide · 19/04/2023 18:19

The college I worked at did maths and English resits because they had a funding pathway and could get sufficient numbers. They didnt do other GCSE subjects so there'd be no access to those. You couldn't pay privately for them either. However, we had a local private school which would let external candidates do exams privately. But whether you could choose the exam board you wanted or you had to go with the school's, I don't know.

Nn9011 · 19/04/2023 18:25

Could she have ADHD? Many women who have autism also have ADHD, although not often talked about the crossover is quite common. She sounds like me when I was that age - perfect student in school but couldn't study, would fail my mocks then read a few hours the night before an exam and would pass. Sounds like she maybe needs deadlines and structure to study - perhaps her teachers could come up with mini deadlines for her to have reviewed her work by and evidence it?

ejbaxa · 19/04/2023 18:31

There are places you can sit GCSEs privately. You could probably find this out through local home Ed groups.

They cost quite a bit of money - resitting all will be a few hundred £. And if she needs tuition it will be ££££.

if she went as far as writing nothing in her mocks, then I don’t think any amount of nagging will help. I am surprised her course does not require an acceptable pass in maths and English though.

Did something happen to her to cause this?

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 18:32

IHeartKingThistle · 19/04/2023 18:05

@Mirabai no state school is going to allow a student to only take one GCSE.

Whatever the minimum requirement is then.

tallcypowder · 19/04/2023 18:32

I’m not sure what the answer is but pressure is unlikely to work. My daughter has ADHD and “punish her until she buckles down” suggestions would have been totally counterproductive. With my neurotypical son that kind of hard line works. I agree with @Triflenot it would be good to focus on maths and English and collaborate on a definite plan if she passes and a definite plan B if she doesn’t. But no plan A or B would also be overwhelming as well I imagine. Year 11 is no fun :(

Second this, that would have caused my dd to self harm. Not always the answer.

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2023 18:34

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:46

I’m wondering if it’s the perfectionism

Maybe she has thought of she does nothing then it’s better than trying really hard and not getting the highest grades ? That’s the only thing I can think of

I recognise this A LOT from a recovering perfectionist point of view.

So so terrified of failing you just stop trying as then everyone expects you to fail so it's not a big deal anymore.

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 18:38

It would be judicious at this point to take her to a private psychiatrist for assessment. That could potentially be useful as well for the school and exam boards if she sits anything. I’d think an NHS referral would take a while.

Lifeinlists · 19/04/2023 18:41

Nowvoyager99 · 19/04/2023 16:52

Either you sit back and let her fail, or you threaten to take away whatever she loves, phone/money/clothes/etc until she starts putting in the effort.

It sounds really stressful and I feel for you.

Apart from the sympathy, this is very unhelpful. Threats and deprivation won't make one iota of difference apart from to your relationship probably.

ASD + GCSEs is often a toxic mixture coming at just the wrong time in their development. We had similar with DS and he scraped a handful of reasonable passes, nothing like his true ability. He also sat in a couple of exams and wrote nothing!
He had a year out (unintentionally as he was very mixed up / depressed), received some mentoring and then went to college where the atmosphere was totally different to school, which suited him. He got excellent A Levels and went to a RG university which was what he wanted to do.

Sweet reason rarely works but breaking down tasks / goals into small steps with a visible result can help. She's obviously finding it too difficult atm to see the bigger picture so is downing tools. It's not that unusual with ASD. Let her get there at her own pace even if it means resits or an easy course. She may want to challenge herself more as she gets a bit older.

ExtraOnions · 19/04/2023 18:43

My DD missed most of the last two years at High School, caused by anxiety due to undiagnosed ASD … she still passed 5 (retaking English Language this summer). She may pass it, she may not .. if not, and she does to Uni, she may have to take an additional test.

Could she have got 9 A* had she gone in every day … yep. However, she got the grades for a L3 BTEC in a subject she loves.

They find a way ….

shutthewindownow · 19/04/2023 18:44

She will need to retake maths and English at 6th form aliongside the course she chooses it will be a lot of work

MillieMollieMandy1 · 19/04/2023 18:51

@Mirabai - you seem convinced that the OP has the funds to pay for a raft of GCSE resits and now an appointment with a private psychiatrist. From the OP it reads that her daughter has a place on a course which does not require GCSE's. I expect the course will have progression routes and she will take GCSE Maths and English alongside.

diflasu · 19/04/2023 18:58

Mustnot · 19/04/2023 16:46

I’m wondering if it’s the perfectionism

Maybe she has thought of she does nothing then it’s better than trying really hard and not getting the highest grades ? That’s the only thing I can think of

I'd have thought very likely - or that she is overwhelmed.

DS has felt overwhelmed and does get in his own way but will sit and work with me next to him - DD1 won't and I do worry but is using some on-line question based on-line sites so fingers crossed.

Find the local colleges and get in touch and ask them - or see where the course she wants could take her.

Ultimately you can't make them do anything - only offer support and a listening ear - it's possible she may do well enough but I agree having options in place if things go badly is a good plan.

bellocchild · 19/04/2023 19:02

Chat (positively!) about the unskilled jobs which will be available to her? Call centres are sociable places to work, cleaning is a flexible career....

Sweeted · 19/04/2023 19:05

Scream of frustrated solidarity, OP! I have a daughter who is also doing diddly fuck for her GCSE revision and did close to bugger all for her mock exams. I've had to tell her so many times that a prediction is not a guarantee. I cannot believe I've raised a child to school leaving age and she doesn't understand that! Just because you're predicted to pass, it doesn't mean you already have and now you can chill out. But she's kicking back with a glass of frosty fizz, letting the chips fall where they may. Into the gutter, it seems, and without a care in either world she inhabits, real or digital.

TeenDivided · 19/04/2023 19:08

I'm surprised the course has no entry requirements at all. Is it something portfolio based like an Art BTEC?

If that is really the case (I don't wish to doubt, but are you certain of this?) then maybe gently point out she'll be stuck doing maths and English until she passes them, so even if she does nothing else trying her best in those might be a good idea. (For DD her maths & English at college take up a day a week equivalent.)

My DD currently has no L2 passes. The world hasn't stopped turning, and the sky didn't fall in.

shutthewindownow · 19/04/2023 19:15

bellocchild · 19/04/2023 19:02

Chat (positively!) about the unskilled jobs which will be available to her? Call centres are sociable places to work, cleaning is a flexible career....

That's patronising to cleaners and tele sales You can still make decent money doing unskilled jobs

cansu · 19/04/2023 19:18

The problem is that you could be in the same position next year. I would focus on maths and English or one of them. The one she has the best chance in. Get some revision guides and workbooks. Sit with her for an hour a day working through the material together.

Valeriekat · 19/04/2023 19:54

Taptap2 · 19/04/2023 16:36

Does she know what she wants to do afterwards? This helps my ASD child and motivates them.

is she completely overwhelmed by the scale of the revision?

Another choice is just focus on one English, Maths and 3/4 others so she passes them. She can do BTECs instead of retakes which at be more suitable for her if all else fails?

This is good advice. The children so too many pointless Gcse courses and it gets boring. Why can't they just enjoy music/art/cooking/RE/PE /Dance/Drama etc.
Very few children NEED a qualification in those subjects and exam pressure sucks all the joy out.

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 20:00

MillieMollieMandy1 · 19/04/2023 18:51

@Mirabai - you seem convinced that the OP has the funds to pay for a raft of GCSE resits and now an appointment with a private psychiatrist. From the OP it reads that her daughter has a place on a course which does not require GCSE's. I expect the course will have progression routes and she will take GCSE Maths and English alongside.

‘Convinced’, really? That’s why I said:

“If OP has money it’s possible to retake the whole lot if necessary.

Either way, the point is there’s zero guarantee that she will not do exactly the same thing with this course. Or regret choices she’s made. So - as many options as possible should be left open.

OP needs to know what is going on with her DD - so she needs psychiatric assessment anyway. If the ASD unit that diagnosed her is somewhere she can return, great. If she could get referral to an NHS quickly, that would be good too. But, it’s not that likely that those referrals will come through quickly.

If she is not going to sit all her GCSEs, and if for example she refuses to go on the day, a letter from a psychiatrist would be judicious to be able to produce for the school. Equally for the exams she does sit, it may be able to get some special consideration (there is set criteria for this), if they can send a psychiatrist’s report to the board.

caringcarer · 19/04/2023 20:13

There will be lots of opportunities for her to do Maths and English again but it's much harder to do Science again. My son is at college and I know some children are doing Maths and English again but he said no science GCSE there.

AutieAdult · 19/04/2023 20:24

OP - is there now more non academic pressure that might be affecting her. For example needing to socialise as part of group work or just generally? Could she be feeling that she does not fit in?
I was very good academically at school but miserable about my inability to keep friends so group work wasn’t easy.

Buzzinwithbez · 19/04/2023 22:06

This is more for anyone else who wants to sit a GCSE, than the op. A search of exam centres will bring some up. Often private schools offer this service.

To sit a GCSE would be around 200. If doing languages for example with a speaking component it would be more like upwards of 300, or you may need to arrange your own tutor to do the speaking component. Getting special provision, extra time etc is more tricky again and more expensive. You may be limited to the exam board/s that the centre usually deals with.

Subjects like art, music etc that have a large practical element are nearly impossible but there are qualifications specific to those that are probably just as, if not more valuable anyway. Gradings and arts awards.

HTH

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 19/04/2023 22:31

Back off from any nagging waste of time

Go out for lunch snd just chat. Politics/family/fashion/music/let her lead the chat. DONT instigate anything about school or exams. Just be close and see what develops

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