Aibu to wreck my family like this? (separation)

[Newperson4]

Married for 11y, 2 children. Things have been shit for 2 years at least. Two main themes - not enough sex/affection (him) and unequal household running / mental load (me) on top of that there was covid and a new baby.

The dealbreaker for me was my Dh’s constant need for sex and affection. When we agreed to try and have some time together once a week that soon was’t enough and he would get in bed all expectant and then get huffy with me if I wanted to read my book or go straight to sleep. We would spoon but he would always have to be touching some part of me that I didn't particularly want touched. My libido is so low because I am fucking exhausted. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

We’ve tried so many things to fix it but I think what it comes down to is he believes he is owed sex from me and if I am not giving him that exactly when and where he wants it he gets huffy, short tempered and will ignore me. It makes for a frosty atmosphere in the home. In the past I have sensed the atmosphere and given in to him but I won’t live like that. It makes me miserable and literally does nothing for me, why should I give him everything.

Anyway you get the picture. Spoke last week and decided separation was the way forward. We haven't spoken logistics yet just been cooling off a bit. We are amicable.

I feel terrible terribly guilty. It was me that decided enough was enough. My children are young and oldest is v sensitive and I worry what affect this will have on him. Its likely we’ll have to move which could mean uprooting school, nursery, friends, neighbours etc. Not to mention financial worries associated with all this. But then theres silly things like we have two holidays booked for summer holidays which we’ll now have to do alone with the kids separately. I think I am sad for the future I had imagined for them.

AIBU here? should we keep trying?

Do you honestly think there's anything left to try for. He's a lazy bastard that's always going to get your back up, that's never going to change unless he changes. And I am sure you haven't just jumped into this decision lightly. Go with your gut.

Thing is @NeIIie we get on really well generally, we do have love for eachother. Since all pressure to have any intimacy has been removed things feel light and nice again.

Well then you've answered your own question! But clear boundaries are needed if it's going to work

I’m not sure I can make him understand in all honestly. Two weeks ago we spoke and decided to give things one last try. I explained that the decision to have sex or any kind of sexual activity needs to be on me and he needs to respect my boundaries on that. 5 days in and he was rolling over in bed in a huff because I was reading and not seeing to him.

Would you consider counselling? It’s a pretty classic issue - wife knackered, overworked and resentful; husband blind to all and resentful and maybe anxious about lack of sex/affection/rejection which shows as anger and sulking.

Does he know how you feel? Presumably he must, given you want to separate. Does he want to separate?

How old are you op? Wrapped up in all this you could also have dropping hormone levels!

I’ve felt a complete lack of libido for over 10 years.
They’ve just given me testosterone gel, and it really has made a difference

If you stayed, your DC would grow up with him sulking at you for sex.
If you stayed, you would have an unfair amount of work to do.
You've already discussed the situation and he’s proved incapable of changing.
I think you know you should separate and you’re right about that.

It's not healthy either way. To say it's all on you, if the roles were reversed I don't think you'd like having that said to you. So maybe you are just no longer compatible. You are within your rights to not want sex, but if that's not going to work for him he is also within his rights to want to have sex. So it's a compatibility thing.

Yes I understand @NeIIie

I’m 36 @Littlemissprosecco I have underactive thyroid which I know can have an impact too.

The problems you're experiencing are pretty common and yes, can be deal breakers. But after just two years of this, I personally would be putting more effort into fixing it. Perhaps counselling?

In our case, we've talked and things have improved. The sex thing is really bad right now for us and I'm actually in the process of seeking help for peri-menopause symptoms, including complete lack of libido.

But if the resentment is that bad on both parts, and neither of you feel the other one is willing to change, then separating is probably best.

You aren't wrecking your family, don't be harsh on yourself. It sounds like you have tried to sort this. Look after yourself and take care

I mean there’s never any harm in checking thyroid or hormone issues, but that’s not really the problem. Problem is he’s a selfish lazy bastard and I’m sure you are getting along if he’s still not pulling his weight and you’re still doing everything. Honestly, I consider this abuse. When it was me and my EXH I felt abused (there was other crap as well). Being pestered for sex by someone who respects you so little that they think all the shit jobs, housework and chidlcare and an actual job are for you to do….It felt like a problem of his entire personality that he would really and truly think that was ok. It was never fixed.

Unless your husband has an epiphany and subsequent personality transplant, you will never be happy.

i dontg think the sex is the issue here-he doesnt do anything to help you at home no wonder youre knackered and not into him

does he say why he won help round the house have you discussed all that

Get a cleaner who does laundry, get an ironerv(he can take the stuff to her) , sign up for gusto, make him do parties, get separate beds - then he can’t paw you. Arrange sex for the day he childminds.
one weekend day you get a day/ afternoon off.
try counselling but I don’t know if all counsellors appreciate the work involved in running the home.
Guilt is stopping you making life better for yourself. Put yourself first for once.

I think I'm about to give advice that I'd have totally disagreed with only 5yrs ago or so. Just so you know, and you can disregard it from the outset for being inconsistent and changeable, if you like.

But I think it's worth hanging on in there and consider counseling. This is a fairly typical problem that is at its most fierce at this particular point in your children's lives.

You sound knackered. I know that knackered when you think about sex and then decide that actually that's sleep you'd rather not lose or the opportunity to just be quiet and have some of your own space being eroded. That isn't a problem with sex, that's just survival and efficiency.

This point with small children is the very hardest point with regard to this. From here on in, each of your children's steps towards independece has a material difference to the quality and space you have in your life. It gets easier and then it gets so much easier it feels like a breeze in comparison.

He could do a lot more around the house and I see your frustration around it. If he insists on being rubbish on this, could he go to work for five days a week and use the additional income to call in services that will mitigate his lackluster effort - cleaners/ service wash laundry/ babysitting services. Yeah, it might get expensive but not getting divorced and running two households expensive.

I mean, it sounds like you still like each other. Splitting up could be the permanent solution to the temporary problem. It might be the nuclear option which would have huge consequences for your children. I think it's worth exploring options to see if there's a different way to skin this cat.

You’ve tried the alternative though and it’s not worked. It’s not a case of trying harder, because trying harder is a waste of time if it’s not you who’s the problem in the first place. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. What choice do you have? I suppose you could live the rest of your life miserable, exhausted and sexually harassed, but why should you have to do that? And an exhausted miserable and sexually harassed mum is no good for the kids. Exhausted might be unavoidable but the other two aren’t.

I do think you should try counselling first - if he is open to genuinely engaging with it.

I think the issues of exhaustion / sex incompatibility could be addressed with practical solutions, but far more serious is his lack of concern for you as a person, that he would keep pushing for sex endlessly, without trying to discuss matters, make changes, take on more of the domestic load. That sounds much more like he is an uncaring and selfish person, who is not interested in changing.

Counselling will help address this, and identify if there is any possibility for change, but will also be useful for you to address your needs, and concerns (e.g. feeling guilty).

Thanks @FourTeaFallOut I really appreciate that advice. I guess a small part of me wants to give it another go but doesnt know how. It does feel very much like we are in the thick of parenting, one in reception and one 1yo. Its a bit all consuming.

We have looked into counselling in the past and unfortunately it came down to not being able to afford it. But perhaps we its something we need to do even if it means we buy less food.

How do you get on well with a lazy git who is leaving absolutely everything to you and then expecting sex?

And since the prospect of separating has come up has he actually started to do more?

or just stop pestering for sex?

If he did his fair share around the house and with the kids maybe your libido wouldn't be so low?

OP, you have one life. Do you want to live with a sex pest? I had one of those husbands too (your post makes me shiver as it brings back memories of being touched and hassled the same way) and it was life changing to learn that most men are not like that! It turns out I have a VERY healthy sex drive too! Who knew that a bit of love, affection and respect is all I needed??! He won't change, your kids will be fine. You will be better. It will get easier.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

I don't know how he has the bare faced cheek to suggest you "owe" him anything looking at that. Does he not realise there's no bigger turnoff that someone sitting back and letting you take all the mental load?