Aibu to wreck my family like this? (separation)

[Newperson4]

Married for 11y, 2 children. Things have been shit for 2 years at least. Two main themes - not enough sex/affection (him) and unequal household running / mental load (me) on top of that there was covid and a new baby.

The dealbreaker for me was my Dh’s constant need for sex and affection. When we agreed to try and have some time together once a week that soon was’t enough and he would get in bed all expectant and then get huffy with me if I wanted to read my book or go straight to sleep. We would spoon but he would always have to be touching some part of me that I didn't particularly want touched. My libido is so low because I am fucking exhausted. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

We’ve tried so many things to fix it but I think what it comes down to is he believes he is owed sex from me and if I am not giving him that exactly when and where he wants it he gets huffy, short tempered and will ignore me. It makes for a frosty atmosphere in the home. In the past I have sensed the atmosphere and given in to him but I won’t live like that. It makes me miserable and literally does nothing for me, why should I give him everything.

Anyway you get the picture. Spoke last week and decided separation was the way forward. We haven't spoken logistics yet just been cooling off a bit. We are amicable.

I feel terrible terribly guilty. It was me that decided enough was enough. My children are young and oldest is v sensitive and I worry what affect this will have on him. Its likely we’ll have to move which could mean uprooting school, nursery, friends, neighbours etc. Not to mention financial worries associated with all this. But then theres silly things like we have two holidays booked for summer holidays which we’ll now have to do alone with the kids separately. I think I am sad for the future I had imagined for them.

AIBU here? should we keep trying?

We’ve tried so many things to fix it but I think what it comes down to is he believes he is owed sex from me.

*I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

See like it's not just sex he thinks he's owed from you*

The division of labour in your household is fucked up.

And not being sexist but I've never heard of a household in which the female dies house maintenance and car maintenance and all the driving before. Even in "traditional" households, the male generally does those.

Does he think you're a slave?
He sounds lazy and like a sex pest.

How would you have any time or motivation for sex wheh you're doing all that.

Anyway it wouldn't be you wrecking your family, it would be him - since his lazy, entitled, exploitative, sex pest behaviour has pushed you to it.

All the testosterone gel in the world can't get over the fact the man is a lazy prick and does fuck all round the house.

The only way your situation will improve, with or without counselling, is for your husband to take on more childcare, more housework and more life admin. You say you nearly work the same amount of days so he needs to do at least 45% of it all. Do you think he would do it for the remainder of your life together or just give lip service for a month then slide back to how he is now?

Do you think you will be able to accept his selfish lazy behaviour when you are both retired and at home. You doing everything while he does nothing/hobbies? If so then carry on, if not then leave now while you can

Hmme, are you both motivated to change it or have you reached the despair/contempt phase? If motivated do try couples therapy, it's cheaper than a divorce. Make sure you find someone who has trained in couples therapy not just a random counsellor who also sees couples. Hope you find a way through either way

I’d start with the why don’t you want sex and answer this honestly. Is it lack of libido, lack of energy or lack of fancying him? (You don’t need to answer me, just be honest with yourself). If it’s the latter o don’t think you can come back from that. The other 2 are fixable.

regarding the mental/physical load- why does he not pull his weight even when it’s threatening your relationship? There needs to be some clear discussions on who does what.

my DH is great around the house with sharing cooking, washing up etc but we have different levels of expectations on a clean house. I keep the house how I want it and he pays for a cleaner every other week to take on his load of the bigger jobs. Could getting help be an option to take some pressure off?

id echo what I saw someone else say too, you’re in the hardest part of parenting, it gets easier, then harder depending on your teenagers and then easier again. What’s vital is the ability to communicate and adapt as a team to navigate the different phases of family life.

Can't believe people are suggesting try to counselling with a man who treats his wife like a domestic slave and pressures her into sex. You are worth more. Life is too short. Two years is a lot of time to try. The kids will be fine after the initial bit.

If you can’t afford counselling, how are you going to afford to run two households?

Think about the future and where you’d both be in five or ten years if you separate.

The early years are a drudge but it’s worth persevering, in my opinion.

Youre with a man who just wants to take every bit from you - your body, your energy, your devotion to the kids, your housekeeping, cleaning, organising, your spirit.

Obviously hugely depressing situation to live in. I wouldn't want my mum to be stuck.

Imagine how much more of yourself you can give the kids if this succubus of a man isn't stealing it from you?

Your kids will know if they are living with two unhappy people who are not in love. You are doing the right thing by ending things. A lot of people feel like they should stick together for the sake of their children but instead end up modelling an unhealthy partnership.

It will be stressful and emotional but you have to hang onto coming out the other side of the separation much happier, and that you are respecting yourself by not allowing yourself to be treated badly any longer. In time, your kids will respect that and it will help them form healthy relationships in the future.

He's buying his energy and headspace to want to have sex with your overworked domestic load and then complaining you aren't seeing to his needs. You do nothing but see to everyones needs. When does anyone see you your needs?

Stop feeling guilty You arent seperating because you aren't trying hard enough. You are seperating because he never even bothered to start trying.

Many many children experience divorce and do just fine. If you decide to separate then try not to use dramatic terminology like "wreck" their lives etc and aim for collaborative parenting. Sod the guilt as well.

Ahhhhh what a horrible squirming little rat man you have there. No wonder you don't want to shag him behaving like that. What an absolute horror. Get rid.

To be honest, I would not end a marriage over this. You're really in the weeds right now, and I think the years when you have young kids are the hardest. But you can get through it, or I would be trying my best to. You work 3 days and he works 4...this is about shifting responsibilities rather than having an unmanageable workload that you're crumbling under the weight of. You can't "fix" him but I would be looking at counseling, etc, because divorcing is a permanent "solution" to what could be a temporary problem.

YABU

👏

Thing is he need to respect boundaries and split household chores and mental load but your going to be even more exhausted if you separate and he doesn't have the children 50/50 and ends up seeing them EOW and you will still do all the household chores and mental load

It's up to you but I'd try everything first

This so much.

Not even the ending of his marriage has spurred the man on to stop being a lazy fucker.

but once her kids get more independent life will get easier apparently…

Some people’s standards for men are through the fucking floor!

I have one of those. Before we had kids we got on ok. But when I was pregnant he was an unsupportive dick, and when the baby was born he didn’t do his share. I was begging him for help because I was having a nervous breakdown due to the sheer burden and I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep, but he still made excuses. Then as the baby grew older he insisted his job was more important than my right to work and have a life too, so he just focused on his career and dumped everything else on me without consent.

I don’t think I will ever forgive him for that. It made me realise that he doesn’t love or respect me, and that put me off him. It’s not necessarily to do with looks or hormones or anything else - I simply don’t love him because it’s clear that he doesn’t love or respect me. And then my contempt for him led to me not wanting sex, which led to him sulking as you described. Even though he caused my disinterest himself by his behaviour.

I wish I could leave, but the way he dumped everything on me has left me trapped with no money. I desperately wish that I could be free and possibly have the chance to find someone who loves and respects me, however remote that chance might be. If you have the opportunity to leave then do so.

Or perhaps "some people" think that completely upending their children's lives needs to be for a more significant reason than "my husband is lazy."

This family may need to cut their food budget to afford counseling. How do you think running two households is going to go?

I really think on MN there's a lot of "you need to be happy, get a divorce, the kids will be fine" rubbish churned out in some situations that are not ideal but certainly not worth all that upheaval. I think that is the case here.

I was married to a sex pest. He was also a narc.

I did all the chores and tasks you’ve outlined for all our married life.
He did zilch but even if he had, I had lost the will to repair our marriage so counselling would be wasted on us. In any case he didn’t want to pay for it.

The final straw was him telling me to “eff off and go live in a nunnery!”
I almost did but bought a small house instead.

Such a huge huge relief to get away from the sex pest issues and everything else that wrecked my MH for years. I would rather have slept on the High Street in a cardboard box than spend another day with him.

No loss of libido now. Happy days.

Do you really need the cost of counselling when the problem is so obvious?
Can you not have a final council of War? Tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel so knackered and resentful which results in lack of wanting sex with him. If he genuinely can't understand your point of view and is unwilling to do his fair share maybe its time to do the same with sex let him huff and puff. Leaving is of course an option but has all of its own issues when you have young children.

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate them all and mulling this all over constantly.

Dump him and run. The kids will be fine.

If you were worth anything to him he would be bending over backwards to take on some of the chores.