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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to wreck my family like this? (separation)

82 replies

Newperson4 · 19/04/2023 10:25

Married for 11y, 2 children. Things have been shit for 2 years at least. Two main themes - not enough sex/affection (him) and unequal household running / mental load (me) on top of that there was covid and a new baby.

The dealbreaker for me was my Dh’s constant need for sex and affection. When we agreed to try and have some time together once a week that soon was’t enough and he would get in bed all expectant and then get huffy with me if I wanted to read my book or go straight to sleep. We would spoon but he would always have to be touching some part of me that I didn't particularly want touched. My libido is so low because I am fucking exhausted. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

We’ve tried so many things to fix it but I think what it comes down to is he believes he is owed sex from me and if I am not giving him that exactly when and where he wants it he gets huffy, short tempered and will ignore me. It makes for a frosty atmosphere in the home. In the past I have sensed the atmosphere and given in to him but I won’t live like that. It makes me miserable and literally does nothing for me, why should I give him everything.

Anyway you get the picture. Spoke last week and decided separation was the way forward. We haven't spoken logistics yet just been cooling off a bit. We are amicable.

I feel terrible terribly guilty. It was me that decided enough was enough. My children are young and oldest is v sensitive and I worry what affect this will have on him. Its likely we’ll have to move which could mean uprooting school, nursery, friends, neighbours etc. Not to mention financial worries associated with all this. But then theres silly things like we have two holidays booked for summer holidays which we’ll now have to do alone with the kids separately. I think I am sad for the future I had imagined for them.

AIBU here? should we keep trying?

OP posts:

Mycathatesmecuddling · 19/04/2023 17:22

Newperson4 · 19/04/2023 14:39

With the chores, we have literally sat and written up a list and dished out the jobs equally. We have tried apps too. He will give it a go but he will do a lazy job of it, i.e unload the dishwasher and refill it but leave half the clean stuff out on the side rather than in the cupboard because he cba to undo the child locks. Or he will tidy up after tea but leave the sink full of food that should have been scraped in the bin. So I always end up finishing up his tasks.
He will help with all the basics, cooking tea, dishwasher, a bit of laundry here and there but other bigger jobs like oven clean or hoovering never. I dont think hes actually ever used our hoover! Unless i explicitly say “please hoover up” the thought will not even enter his head.

He could do all this stuff it's not rocket science. He's choosing not to. Because he would prefer to leave it all to you and watch you exhaust yourself rather than bother to do it properly

You deserve someone who doesn't think it's okay to sit there and watch you get tireder and tireder and not bother to try to do something about it and then moan when you don't shag him. You deserve love and respect.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 19/04/2023 17:25

LaMaG · 19/04/2023 16:16

Personally I don't think 2 bad years are enough to end what was meant to be a lifelong commitment. Especially when it's 2 yrs of having young children when things are probably at their worst. In a few years childcare costs will reduce, the kids can help out more and you will feel more like yourself again. I know that's not the real issue but it sounds like you are overwhelmed which is totally understandable. Plus underactive thyroid can really contribute, I have the same issue.

Definitely I agree go for counselling and maybe have 1 night a week for intimacy. And hire a cleaner for a little while, even if only to annoy him. I know it might be unaffordable but maybe put the case forward that it's only a few months. Also I think you need to leave him alone in charge for a few days so he understands what you do every day. Disappear with a few days notice, fake a friends parents funeral if you have to. Let him get exhausted for a change!!

Marriage might be a life long commitment but he's already broken the terms of the agreement not the OP. There is no sense that this man has any intention of upholding the "to love and to cherish" part of the vows.

Waiting for the kids to grow up enough to share the chores because the husband can't be bothered is a shitty milestone to aim for

slowquickstep · 19/04/2023 17:42

Please leave, he does not respect you, he gets angry if you won't have sex ! What next, sexual abuse or rape because he needs sex ? Believe me that is a road he may travel. I know as i have been there.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/04/2023 19:54

Littlemissprosecco · 19/04/2023 10:47

I’ve felt a complete lack of libido for over 10 years.
They’ve just given me testosterone gel, and it really has made a difference

I wonder if the doc could prescribe a boot-up-the-arse gel to help the dh be less of a bone idle fucker.

justanotherdrama · 19/04/2023 20:20

Newperson4 · 19/04/2023 10:39

I’m not sure I can make him understand in all honestly. Two weeks ago we spoke and decided to give things one last try. I explained that the decision to have sex or any kind of sexual activity needs to be on me and he needs to respect my boundaries on that. 5 days in and he was rolling over in bed in a huff because I was reading and not seeing to him.

Why on earth are you wasting any more time or energy on him he sounds awful - get rid

Yellowdays · 19/04/2023 20:53

Men who don't do housework or child related stuff are very stupidly shooting themselves in the foot. Women tend to withdraw intimacy without even realising it when they feel lumbered, which affects sexual interest.

CosyToess · 20/04/2023 09:25

FourTeaFallOut · 19/04/2023 11:18

I think I'm about to give advice that I'd have totally disagreed with only 5yrs ago or so. Just so you know, and you can disregard it from the outset for being inconsistent and changeable, if you like.

But I think it's worth hanging on in there and consider counseling. This is a fairly typical problem that is at its most fierce at this particular point in your children's lives.

You sound knackered. I know that knackered when you think about sex and then decide that actually that's sleep you'd rather not lose or the opportunity to just be quiet and have some of your own space being eroded. That isn't a problem with sex, that's just survival and efficiency.

This point with small children is the very hardest point with regard to this. From here on in, each of your children's steps towards independece has a material difference to the quality and space you have in your life. It gets easier and then it gets so much easier it feels like a breeze in comparison.

He could do a lot more around the house and I see your frustration around it. If he insists on being rubbish on this, could he go to work for five days a week and use the additional income to call in services that will mitigate his lackluster effort - cleaners/ service wash laundry/ babysitting services. Yeah, it might get expensive but not getting divorced and running two households expensive.

I mean, it sounds like you still like each other. Splitting up could be the permanent solution to the temporary problem. It might be the nuclear option which would have huge consequences for your children. I think it's worth exploring options to see if there's a different way to skin this cat.

This is great advice

Hope you find a way to solve it OP, I was in almost the same situation and these things definitely helped.

Also, once he's given you a break from being pestered, and the pressure is off, and he's committed to helping more with the domestic chores..

Try watching something like Love, Sex and Goop together on Netflix, really interesting and helpful stuff.
Good luck!

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