Aibu to wreck my family like this? (separation)

[Newperson4]

Married for 11y, 2 children. Things have been shit for 2 years at least. Two main themes - not enough sex/affection (him) and unequal household running / mental load (me) on top of that there was covid and a new baby.

The dealbreaker for me was my Dh’s constant need for sex and affection. When we agreed to try and have some time together once a week that soon was’t enough and he would get in bed all expectant and then get huffy with me if I wanted to read my book or go straight to sleep. We would spoon but he would always have to be touching some part of me that I didn't particularly want touched. My libido is so low because I am fucking exhausted. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (minus one day when I’m at work) house maintenance, car maintenance, all the driving, all the school admin, all the weekend plans and kids parties, all the bill paying. I also work 3 days a week. He works 4 days and he does the bins and empties the dishwasher.

We’ve tried so many things to fix it but I think what it comes down to is he believes he is owed sex from me and if I am not giving him that exactly when and where he wants it he gets huffy, short tempered and will ignore me. It makes for a frosty atmosphere in the home. In the past I have sensed the atmosphere and given in to him but I won’t live like that. It makes me miserable and literally does nothing for me, why should I give him everything.

Anyway you get the picture. Spoke last week and decided separation was the way forward. We haven't spoken logistics yet just been cooling off a bit. We are amicable.

I feel terrible terribly guilty. It was me that decided enough was enough. My children are young and oldest is v sensitive and I worry what affect this will have on him. Its likely we’ll have to move which could mean uprooting school, nursery, friends, neighbours etc. Not to mention financial worries associated with all this. But then theres silly things like we have two holidays booked for summer holidays which we’ll now have to do alone with the kids separately. I think I am sad for the future I had imagined for them.

AIBU here? should we keep trying?

Her husband isn’t just lazy - he treats the OP like a slave and a a sex pest. His wife being upset and near broken point hasn’t changed him. Not even the prospect of losing his marriage has changed him.

You may be happy to live with that, and for your children to see that as normal, but most of us aren’t.

There’s a big difference between “you need to be perfectly happy” and this…

Counselling is far cheaper than divorce and running 2 households!

You and said you love each other. These 2 issues seem huge when you are in the thick of it but they are not all that huge in the grand scheme of things.

You are exhausted and resentful of all you do and that impacts your desire for intimacy which frustrates him.

If you love each other and both want your marriage to work you can both fix this with a little support from a counsellor.

The problem with all the suggestions here is that it's all on him. He's the problem. His laziness. And you cannot change him. Repeat that. YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. This is who he is. You have had the hard discussions already. He has not changed his behaviour. You can only decide what YOU are going to do. You can choose to put up with him, things will get easier as kids get older, but will you be able to let go of the resentment and memory of how much he has let you down at the hardest time in your lives? He's making your life hell and treating you like a prostitute. Your feelings and bodily autonomy mean nothing. It's all about him. You are there to serve him. Some women are ok with that, some aren't.

I can't believe men like this won't even try. He's happy to separate when he could shape up, do his fair share so you're not completely wrecked and unhappy which could have a ripple effect of you feeling more supported and loved and then more in the mood for sex and physical contact.

That tells you all you need to know.

The worst time is when DC are under 3/4. Can you make it absolutely clear than he either pulls his weight or fucks off? Be specific about what chores he must do to equate to pulling his weight.

This is assuming he is clueless rather than abusive. The sulking makes me think abusive but that is hard to tell from the thread.

It is worth one last go to get an equilibrium that can last for the next couple of years while DC are tiny, then revist

With the chores, we have literally sat and written up a list and dished out the jobs equally. We have tried apps too. He will give it a go but he will do a lazy job of it, i.e unload the dishwasher and refill it but leave half the clean stuff out on the side rather than in the cupboard because he cba to undo the child locks. Or he will tidy up after tea but leave the sink full of food that should have been scraped in the bin. So I always end up finishing up his tasks.
He will help with all the basics, cooking tea, dishwasher, a bit of laundry here and there but other bigger jobs like oven clean or hoovering never. I dont think hes actually ever used our hoover! Unless i explicitly say “please hoover up” the thought will not even enter his head.

It boils down to respect. He can see these things, but he chooses not to action any of them. Strategic incompetence, whatever, but he feels that he's above doing them. Even when he can see you on your knees with exhaustion.

That's not love. That's fucking cruelty. He will NEVER change, this is the rest of your life if you let it be. It won't always be toddlers, it'll be illness, school issues, teenagers... the stress never leaves, it just changes. You deserve an equal partner to walk through life with, not a millstone to drag along with you.

One lesson I've hammered into my 3 DD's is knowing their own worth

You need to attend couples counselling so that you can both be honest about the needs and roles you want met in the relationship.
You sound like two people who get on but work independently within the household.
He should accept responsibility for some of the household tasks and you need to off load things and leave to manage them.
At least see if there is a path through that might lead to a better future. If it doesn't work, at least you tried and you might understand each other more and that will help you co-parent more effectively.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. Just a few points to consider.

1. I think it’s really difficult to feel sexually attracted to someone who is as much of a burden in the home as a child so I fully understand why you feel like you can’t go on like this.
2. It sounds like you are the one fighting to save your marriage with low input from your DH. For counselling or anything else to work there has to be willing and work from both sides. If you’re both willing to try it, counselling is cheaper than divorce.
3. It wouldn’t be “you” breaking up your family, it’s as much your DH for being a lazy, unsupportive partner.

What does he do with his free time? Are you able to lie in a few mornings?

I agree with posters saying try to get through the early years as it can be tough. Divorce is horrible to go through and expensive so whilst you still like each other try and work it out.

With such young DC and such a common issue in your marriage I would really be trying to fix it before throwing in the towel. You have been to marriage counselling? Would you both be prepared to do that? Pretty much everyone I know has been through similarly rough times with young DC, lack of sleep, health issues, mismatched sex drives - it's so common and with good communication and understanding it should be something you can negotiate and move on from in time.

Have you, not you have !

Counselling is always cheaper than a divorce.

Marriage is dead. Yes, that's not brilliant. But it happens and people survive. Long run you'll all get on with your lives.
I'm not saying it's all roses or there aren't going to be issues, but day to day, the people out of unhappy marriages all seem happier (duh) than the ones in them.

Ignore the posters who say if you can't afford counselling you can't afford two houses. It all depends on the expenditure of the marital home. We can hardly afford a holiday here but when I delve deeper he bought an expensive car, he chose one that is expensive to insure and tax, has expensive spares, eats fuel. He has expensive hobbies. He has Netflix, disney+ and a tv sports package. He won't put on a jumper but cranks up the heating. He buys lots of food then wastes it.

In short, I could run a house on a dramatically reduced income. He wouldn't.

What are your children learning by watching you do everything and their father doing fuck all? This is why it never stops. One generation after another watching women do everything and men living their best lives. It's just so depressing.

Personally I don't think 2 bad years are enough to end what was meant to be a lifelong commitment. Especially when it's 2 yrs of having young children when things are probably at their worst. In a few years childcare costs will reduce, the kids can help out more and you will feel more like yourself again. I know that's not the real issue but it sounds like you are overwhelmed which is totally understandable. Plus underactive thyroid can really contribute, I have the same issue.

Definitely I agree go for counselling and maybe have 1 night a week for intimacy. And hire a cleaner for a little while, even if only to annoy him. I know it might be unaffordable but maybe put the case forward that it's only a few months. Also I think you need to leave him alone in charge for a few days so he understands what you do every day. Disappear with a few days notice, fake a friends parents funeral if you have to. Let him get exhausted for a change!!

The situation you are describing sounds extremely unequal, if he is treating you in these way he doesn't view you with respect; he treats you as thought you are there to provide domestic and sexual services at his pleasure. It sounds like you may be experiencing coercive control. Here is a video explaining the dynamics. It is unsafe to go to couples counselling when coercive control is at play.

OP,

He is a lazy selfish loser and a sex pest.

What an utter waster for a father.

HE has destroyed your marriage, not you.

His needs and not his familys come first.

Would you want your children to end up with such a complete loser?

Don't waste your time tying to fix him.

Get organised and get away.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Ask for support.

Life will be better without him.

Fake a friend's funeral? 🤣🤣

I have been on MN for some time and that is, hands down, the worst suggestion I have ever seen. 🤣

Remember, every single time he chooses to do a shit, half arsed job, he is in fact saying "fxxk you, I couldn't care less about you or our family".

He has chose to not share the load.

On top of being a sex pest, he's really the lowest of the low.

A complete waste of space.

You deserve so much better, as do your children.

What happens if you huff and rollover when he doesn’t do housework? Oh yes - nothing.

There are 1000s of men like this, it’s a shame you caught him but it’s time throw him back.

He won’t change and the situation is untenable.

You're absolutely deluded he's an utter slug of a man.

Yes OP, hang in there letting your husband take the piss until your kids are old enough to help…

Make sure you get intimate once a week, pay for a cleaner and fake a funeral if you really need a break…

Jesus Christ. I’ve seen some posts on here before but that’s a belter

So he shouldn’t have to put any effort into making his wife feel desired and in the mood and romanced or aroused, no he should just book himself in once a week for her services? I absolutely hate this entitlement some men have, apparently being in a relationship means they can stop making any effort whatsoever and just demand a woman services their dick once a week, because her pleasure and need to feel desired is irrelevant. Women’s sexuality doesn’t matter it seems, and then they’re surprised when she’s not excited to jump on him after he’s treated her with zero respect or care.