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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws staying at our flat after birth

93 replies

Olegia · 19/04/2023 07:10

Hi all,

So I'm in an interesting situation, whereby the facts are:
-I will soon be having my first baby
-My partner and I (both in our mid to late 20's) recently bought our first flat and moved in. It is not a very big flat, though it does have 2 bedrooms, it is around 1000 sqft.
-We live abroad (in Belgium), and his parents live in the UK. They of course want to be involved and meet the little bundle of joy, so will be coming over for a week or 2 to be there/help out (well, I hope the latter part actualises).
-They are planning on coming over a month after the baby's birth.

The thing is, I know that the first few weeks with a newborn are quite tough, I/we will be quite sleep-deprived, and it is in general an intense and emotional time, for which we will want our own space. I, being the mother, will be recovering physically and will probably be the most sleep-deprived of all, and it's not my family who will be entering our living space.

On the one hand, I feel guilty because we literally would have one bedroom free, since the baby would sleep with us in the bedroom, and accommodation is around 70GBP per night, but on the other hand, I know that his parents presence into our flat might become grating after a few days (especially the dad, who's quite loud, would wake up in the middle of the night and open his laptop/do other things, he's also in general not a very clean person, and I don't anticipate him being of actual help with the baby).
Also because I will be breastfeeding, we've kind of agreed that it would be ok for my partner to sleep in another room every now and then so at least one of us can get some sleep, so the place would start to feel a bit cramped. I feel like it will be a lot to have them both staying IN our flat for 2 weeks. Not to mention the mother in law can be, without intending to, a bit annoying with her remarks I'm anticipating about how I need to 'chill out', 'relax', 'make sure that this/that'.

I'll preface by saying that I know it is my partner's responsibility to talk with them about it, but is it unreasonable to expect them to get their own accommodation/Airbnb nearby?

OP posts:

Tradescantia252 · 19/04/2023 07:16

You are not being unreasonable not to want them.
However, you want them to feel wanted, despite not wanting them at close quarters, perhaps you could organise (and contribute to, depending on respective financial situations) the alternative accommodation. Personally I would happily pay £500 for my inlaws not to stay in my house for a week when I'd just given birth!

Ostryga · 19/04/2023 07:17

Oh god do not do this under any circumstance. The first few days with a newborn are completely mad - you’ll be hormonal, tired, sore and generally will not want anyone to be there longer than visiting hours.

Get your partner to put a stop to this immediately. And make sure they know they cannot spend all day every day at your flat whilst you’re recovering and bonding. Pop in for a couple of hours for a cuddle and to help do laundry/cook/clean? Yes. Anything else you’d be well within your rights to throw them out!

Good luck with everything!

SamanthaVimes · 19/04/2023 07:17

I wouldn’t want my own family in a flat with me for that long and a newborn never mind in laws. The time after having a baby is so vulnerable, you’ll be full of hormones and exhausted and trying to work out what on earth you’re doing. You won’t want to feel watched all the time.

I’d ask them to find alternative accommodation and I’d say that even if they were really lovely. You’ll need to be able to decompress and you can’t do that with guests.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/04/2023 07:18

Why can't they come later when you've established a routine etc? Also two weeks is way to long, a week at most.

carriedout · 19/04/2023 07:19

I think it is fine to say you want separate accomodation, offer to split the cost and hope they decline.

Say you are very aware that you may need some space at times and you want them to be free to relax as well.

sevenbyseven · 19/04/2023 07:20

If it's a month after the birth i think it would be ok - you'll be into tje swing of things by then and might welcome

sevenbyseven · 19/04/2023 07:21

Oops! Might welcome some help.

But maybe suggest a week rather than two?

faffadoodledo · 19/04/2023 07:21

It's perfectly natural that they want to come soon after the birth. It's a special time. But they must be gently discouraged from staying in the flat. It will be less than ideal for everyone! Find some nice accommodation very nearby and if possible offer to chip in. You don't state your financial situation so I don't know what's appropriate here. But I think for the sake of your health and sanity and future relations, it's vital!

Ostryga · 19/04/2023 07:23

I don’t understand why op needs to pay for people to see her baby? She’s not a hotel with an attraction, her in laws are adults presumably with income, so if they want to stay for 2 weeks they need to organise accommodation as every other person would.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 19/04/2023 07:25

I would say a month isn't unreasonable - or else they'll never get to see the baby as a newborn - but why not suggest a shorter trip or put them up in a hotel?

Babsexxx · 19/04/2023 07:26

Sorry but there is no way I’d entertain this and I love my in-laws around 4 weeks Is definitely right around the point I tend to “crash” id call it as the sleepless nights really are starting to catch up at that point.

Id say lovely idea but not realistic shorten the trip to a single weekend or find alternative accommodation! If they start a big quiz over it just asks them how they found there in laws staying over for the birth of there children?! Because I guarantee it didn’t happen.

rookiemere · 19/04/2023 07:28

There are regular flights from the UK to Brussels, there is no reason for them to stay a month. Suggest a much shorter visit or see if you can find them an apartment to rent.

DisquietintheRanks · 19/04/2023 07:28

If you are expecting them to stay and help for a couple of weeks you need to provide/pay for accommodation. An alternative would be they come and visit for a few days.

Hesma · 19/04/2023 07:28

When I had my first my parents came to visit for a few days. We were in a 4 bed house but they still booked a local travel lodge. YANBU

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 07:31

Two weeks 😂 I would suggest 3 nights 4 days. Accommodation elsewhere will be more affordable.

Make it sound like it’s for their benefit.

Ask them where they are planning to sleep as you don’t have a spare bed considering it’s not really a spare room. Don’t be coerced to buy a spare bed as you will be stuck with eventually trying to store it somewhere. Keep mentioning you don’t actually have a spare room.

Sugarfree23 · 19/04/2023 07:33

Op I think they are being very considerate to wait a month before coming to see you.
I think it would be quite rude to push them to an Airbnb, and make them feel very unwelcome.
If they were going to do that they might as well come while DH is still on paternity leave.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 19/04/2023 07:34

A few or a fews days yes, any longer no, but it really does depend on whether you like them or not.
I never agree with posters who say this is for your dh to sort out. It isn't, its your home, your recovery and your privacy and its fine to assert yourself in your own space.

Mindymomo · 19/04/2023 07:34

What are they going to do for a whole month, are they visiting other family, going for days out etc., A few nights staying with you would be ok, but there’s no way I would have wanted my in laws staying a whole month. I would ask that they book a B&B nearby and visit occasionally. My MIL was very good to us after I had my first, she came round almost everyday after work to give us a hand, which we were very grateful for, but I wouldn’t have wanted her here overnight.

rwalker · 19/04/2023 07:35

I wouldn’t have made own family or in-laws irrespective of baby arriving

TidyDancer · 19/04/2023 07:35

I think the timing sounds quite fair, they are not arriving immediately after you've had the baby so they do sound fairly considerate.

If the two weeks is going to be too much for you, why don't you suggest they do a week then and a week maybe 3-4 months later?

Mumdiva99 · 19/04/2023 07:35

Long weekend and suck it up. It really is bonding time for them and baby.

Or, longer and stay elsewhere.

Can you sell it to them that they come to you for 4 days then a mo th later you go to them for a couple of nights? (FYI I wasn't ready to take my PFB away until about 3 to 4 months)

Curseofthenation · 19/04/2023 07:36

Belgium is not that far. They could easily stay for only 1 week (or even just 4 or 5 nights) with the travel not being worthwhile.

Curseofthenation · 19/04/2023 07:36

*Still being worthwhile

Verassata · 19/04/2023 07:36

We were 3 hours away from my PIL and they stayed in a nearby BnB (20 years ago so no AirBnBs back then) in fact each time they came they stayed there. It worked really well. They would wait for us to phone them in the morning to say when we were happy for them to come over. It was bliss. My FIL was a bit huffy about it but my MIL was totally on our side having been a new Mum herself. Definitely ask them to stay in a hotel or AirBnb. Just because you have a spare room doesn't mean guests get to stay in it.

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 07:37

I wouldn’t pay for their accommodation either, it will set a precedent and you will be paying until they die.

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