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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws staying at our flat after birth

93 replies

Olegia · 19/04/2023 07:10

Hi all,

So I'm in an interesting situation, whereby the facts are:
-I will soon be having my first baby
-My partner and I (both in our mid to late 20's) recently bought our first flat and moved in. It is not a very big flat, though it does have 2 bedrooms, it is around 1000 sqft.
-We live abroad (in Belgium), and his parents live in the UK. They of course want to be involved and meet the little bundle of joy, so will be coming over for a week or 2 to be there/help out (well, I hope the latter part actualises).
-They are planning on coming over a month after the baby's birth.

The thing is, I know that the first few weeks with a newborn are quite tough, I/we will be quite sleep-deprived, and it is in general an intense and emotional time, for which we will want our own space. I, being the mother, will be recovering physically and will probably be the most sleep-deprived of all, and it's not my family who will be entering our living space.

On the one hand, I feel guilty because we literally would have one bedroom free, since the baby would sleep with us in the bedroom, and accommodation is around 70GBP per night, but on the other hand, I know that his parents presence into our flat might become grating after a few days (especially the dad, who's quite loud, would wake up in the middle of the night and open his laptop/do other things, he's also in general not a very clean person, and I don't anticipate him being of actual help with the baby).
Also because I will be breastfeeding, we've kind of agreed that it would be ok for my partner to sleep in another room every now and then so at least one of us can get some sleep, so the place would start to feel a bit cramped. I feel like it will be a lot to have them both staying IN our flat for 2 weeks. Not to mention the mother in law can be, without intending to, a bit annoying with her remarks I'm anticipating about how I need to 'chill out', 'relax', 'make sure that this/that'.

I'll preface by saying that I know it is my partner's responsibility to talk with them about it, but is it unreasonable to expect them to get their own accommodation/Airbnb nearby?

OP posts:

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/04/2023 07:38

Could you suggest that they just stay with you for a few days and if they want to stay longer to find a near by hotel and they can make a holiday of it, do some nice things for themselves etc.

I love my in laws, but more than a few days in close proximity to them drives me mad!

Hotcuppatea · 19/04/2023 07:38

Maybe two weeks is too long a visit at this stage? Why not negotiate it down to 3 or 4 days. Might feel more doable.

Prometheus · 19/04/2023 07:42

I had my first baby aged 30 living in a 2 bed flat in Belgium. Firstly there is no need for them to visit for a week or two. My own mum, dad and in laws visited for 3-4 days at a time and stayed in a hotel down the road. That way we we had space overnight and they didn’t hang around forever (as they were paying for hotel).

Sugarfree23 · 19/04/2023 07:44

Mindymomo · 19/04/2023 07:34

What are they going to do for a whole month, are they visiting other family, going for days out etc., A few nights staying with you would be ok, but there’s no way I would have wanted my in laws staying a whole month. I would ask that they book a B&B nearby and visit occasionally. My MIL was very good to us after I had my first, she came round almost everyday after work to give us a hand, which we were very grateful for, but I wouldn’t have wanted her here overnight.

It's not a month. They are suggesting 1-2 weeks a month after the baby is born.
So giving her a month to sort of get over the birth and be a bit more settled.
2 weeks is probably a bit long but a week should be manageable.

YorkshireIndie · 19/04/2023 07:45

I paid for my MIL to stay in a bed and breakfast when LO was born as I could not cope with the idea of her staying. You need to be honest with your other half and with your in laws. Maybe look to see what options there are

ginlovingqueen · 19/04/2023 07:48

When the baby is a month old, it's fine to have parents visit

But not 2 weeks. Ask fhem to come 3-4 days and then say you Will visit them soon

Roselilly36 · 19/04/2023 07:48

Congrats on your pregnancy, very exciting time and lovely that your in-laws want to help. Coming a month after the birth sounds a good idea, to give you some support. I agree that an Airbnb might be a good idea, so you all get some space. Good luck.

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 07:48

This is what Airbnb is for.

ChessieFL · 19/04/2023 07:49

Don’t do it OP. You don’t know how you’re going to feel. We were in a similar situation, with in laws coming to stay when baby was around 3 weeks old, and it was hell and I still secretly resent them for ruining that time even now.

I had post natal depression and was struggling to breastfeed and frankly even getting dressed was an achievement some days. In laws didn’t help with the baby at all, kept messing things up that I had sorted out the way I wanted them, were around loads when I wanted privacy so I felt stuck in my bedroom and it was just awful. Plus as you say it blocks an alternative room that one of you could sleep in.

It might be a bit better for you as it will be spring/summer so they might be out an about more - with us it was the depths of winter with snow etc so they didn’t always want to go out. Even so, don’t do it!

Original poster

Olegia · 19/04/2023 07:51

Thanks all, in terms of financial situation, we have jut bought our first flat and have relatively high monthly repayments (not to mention a lot of money has been gone into getting furniture, fixing up the flat, and in a few months, extremely high childcare costs.
They are not very wealthy, but definitely have enough money (as their numerous outings to restaurants/pubs/trips would indicate)

Also, as a precision, they are staying 2 weeks, not a month. (they will be coming a month AFTER the birth)

@Verassata , that is my ideal situation! Unfortunatly my in-laws (well, the MIL more specifically) will gently push in not so obvious ways ('we want to be there for ou first grandchild!', 'oh we wouldn't want to miss a thing' etc. etc.)

@Mumdiva99 99 I just feel like I wouldn't want to travel abroad with a recently new born baby (even just getting their passport done will be quite an endeavour that could take a few months), especially as we're trying to settle into a routine/sleep routine etc.

@TidyDancer , @Sugarfree23 as a bit of a side note, I had to push my partner to tell them to come later, they were originally going to come literally a few days later aftre the birth (if not for the birth itself)

I think I may suggest the one-week, one-week a few months late rindede!

@Mindymomo , they will not be staying a month, just 2 weeks, and it would really be all about the baby (they don't know anyone in this country except us). They've already come and visited us last year and visited a couple of cities, so I'm not sure it would even be a touristy trip if they had time on their hands

@DisquietintheRanks , the thing is, it's not like I'm hiring their services. They WANT to come and see the baby, but they can't expect me to have visitors over and provide accommodation (which includes cooking and cleaning after them) etc. I'm not sure the mom will have the initiative to do all that by herself in an effective way (the dad I know would never), considering I will be recovering from literally birthing my first baby, and being sleep deprived. It seems like so much (even in non-pregnant times)

OP posts:

lemonchiffonpie · 19/04/2023 07:52

As Benjamin Franklin said: Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days...

They need to find other accomodation for this two week visit.

cptartapp · 19/04/2023 07:56

Ten days maximum.
They stay elsewhere and most importantly, pay for it themselves.
DH tells them this. Ignore the gentle pushing, you've a lifetime of this, set a precedent right from the off.
Quite frankly it doesn't really matter if they're offended. They have more to lose.

Sugarfree23 · 19/04/2023 07:58

I think a week would be long enough. But I'd maybe suggest you come to them a month or two later.

Two weeks would be a long time in your flat.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/04/2023 07:59

YANBU. Them staying is a very bad idea.

Also you and your partner will need the second bedroom - you should be sleeping separately because it makes no sense for you to both be sleep deprived and you can take turns with the baby to each get sleep.

Verassata · 19/04/2023 08:07

It doesn't matter if they say we don't want to miss a thing, your Dh says well we would also like some privacy too. He has to fight your corner and start putting his family's (ie you and his baby) first, what you want happens. Tell them that having guests is tiring at the best of times, never mind when you have just had a baby.

What you want happens, they are not staying, give them details of nearby places they can stay. Start putting in boundaries now as future visits will likely happen too.

Yummymummy2020 · 19/04/2023 08:08

I think this is an awful idea (on my third now and plenty of experience of newborns as a result) I always am in awe that so many people think it’s ok to impose so much on new mothers soon after a birth, and a month in my opinion is soon as you just don’t know how you will be feeling. Tired is a given, but perhaps you may have had a section or an instrumental delivery ect and need that recovery time to yourself (for the most part) there is such a huge difference between guests popping in for a few hours, and someone living in for two weeks. Two people in your case. I was still bleeding a lot after a month on my first as I had had forceps and some issues afterwards with recovery. It would have pushed me over the edge if I had to accommodate two weeks of guests. I would be cautious too, given you have said you are not sure they will be much help, that it isn’t a case of” oh she will be well recovered by then to run around after us😂😂😂 I wouldn’t give money off accommodation but would be happy to help source reasonably priced and local places. I would also be happy to have plenty of short visits while they stay, but it would be a big no to live in house guests for me!

Original poster

Olegia · 19/04/2023 08:25

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/04/2023 07:59

YANBU. Them staying is a very bad idea.

Yes that's exactly how we are planning on doing it!! With a bit of luck after 5/6 weeks I can start pumping and get him to do some night feeds with the bottle!

OP posts:

TrueScrumptious · 19/04/2023 08:28

Ostryga · 19/04/2023 07:17

Oh god do not do this under any circumstance. The first few days with a newborn are completely mad - you’ll be hormonal, tired, sore and generally will not want anyone to be there longer than visiting hours.

Get your partner to put a stop to this immediately. And make sure they know they cannot spend all day every day at your flat whilst you’re recovering and bonding. Pop in for a couple of hours for a cuddle and to help do laundry/cook/clean? Yes. Anything else you’d be well within your rights to throw them out!

Good luck with everything!

They’re not coming in the first few days, though.

Original poster

Olegia · 19/04/2023 08:29

Ok so the consensus seems to be that they'd need to find their own accomodation, and perhaps split the trip into 2.

It's very tough to say no to your in-laws, because I know they mean well, but they (well, the mom mainly) like to make me come across as this person that just needs to take a chill pill, and that it's all normal and well for them to come over when they please.

They're already a bit upset that their first grandchild won't be nearby, living in the UK etc, so I understand where they're coming from, but the mom even had the audacity once, when I timidly said 'oh but we're already going to have a lot of family around, I'd prefer to spread out the help since we won't be getting any afterwards (which is true, both of our families live abroad, though my family will be coming over and staying at my grandma's, who lives here and has a large flat). She said 'oh I think it will all be fine, it's important to be relaxed about it, I mean.. come to think of it I don't think I ever got any help with my girls! I even remember cooking for my guests'!

OP posts:

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/04/2023 08:29

Olegia · 19/04/2023 08:25

Yes that's exactly how we are planning on doing it!! With a bit of luck after 5/6 weeks I can start pumping and get him to do some night feeds with the bottle!

Show quote history

We were EBF and took shifts, so 7pm - 1am and 1am - 7am or separate nights, and on his time with her DH would bring baby to me to feed and then take her away again to settle/wind/change etc.

So it’s a good to way to still get a good chunk of sleep while EBF 😊

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/04/2023 08:34

She sounds like a nightmare with no respect. Other posters are spot on saying you need to stop this now - don’t invite them to treat you like this.

WandaWonder · 19/04/2023 08:38

My mum stayed with us for first 2 weeks and did nights meant we both got sleep

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 08:41

So the FIL is rude, messy and thoughtless, the MIL will butt in and expect you to host her with food and entertainment…

And they wanted to come for your birth?

No. This is horrible, horrible, ignorant intrusion. Your H needs to step up and say no, they can visit but they need to source their own accommodation.

Aerosarethebest · 19/04/2023 08:43

They will sleep better if they are metres away from a month old baby who cries ever 3 hours in the night. Sell it to them like that. If you are all in the flat, you will all be sleep deprived.

Aerosarethebest · 19/04/2023 08:44

Also, unless you’re having a planned C section, your maybe may only be a 3 weeks or even 2 weeks old when they come over (assuming due dates in Belgium are also given as 40weeks)

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