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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws staying at our flat after birth

93 replies

Olegia · 19/04/2023 07:10

Hi all,

So I'm in an interesting situation, whereby the facts are:
-I will soon be having my first baby
-My partner and I (both in our mid to late 20's) recently bought our first flat and moved in. It is not a very big flat, though it does have 2 bedrooms, it is around 1000 sqft.
-We live abroad (in Belgium), and his parents live in the UK. They of course want to be involved and meet the little bundle of joy, so will be coming over for a week or 2 to be there/help out (well, I hope the latter part actualises).
-They are planning on coming over a month after the baby's birth.

The thing is, I know that the first few weeks with a newborn are quite tough, I/we will be quite sleep-deprived, and it is in general an intense and emotional time, for which we will want our own space. I, being the mother, will be recovering physically and will probably be the most sleep-deprived of all, and it's not my family who will be entering our living space.

On the one hand, I feel guilty because we literally would have one bedroom free, since the baby would sleep with us in the bedroom, and accommodation is around 70GBP per night, but on the other hand, I know that his parents presence into our flat might become grating after a few days (especially the dad, who's quite loud, would wake up in the middle of the night and open his laptop/do other things, he's also in general not a very clean person, and I don't anticipate him being of actual help with the baby).
Also because I will be breastfeeding, we've kind of agreed that it would be ok for my partner to sleep in another room every now and then so at least one of us can get some sleep, so the place would start to feel a bit cramped. I feel like it will be a lot to have them both staying IN our flat for 2 weeks. Not to mention the mother in law can be, without intending to, a bit annoying with her remarks I'm anticipating about how I need to 'chill out', 'relax', 'make sure that this/that'.

I'll preface by saying that I know it is my partner's responsibility to talk with them about it, but is it unreasonable to expect them to get their own accommodation/Airbnb nearby?

OP posts:
Original poster
Olegia · 19/04/2023 12:34

@gogohmm I can see how that would be very useful, though in this case they are not my family, so I can't fully relax, and I'm not sure that the mom would do that at all (I know the dad 100% wouldn't, he'd just sit on the sofa and watch TV/be on his computer a lot of the time I'm guessing)

I do feel bad due to the costs, a week at an airbnb (even the cheapest we could find, just a private room) is 70/80 euros a night...

OP posts:
difficultdifficultlemondifficult · 19/04/2023 12:50

A month after my birth I still didn't want many visitors or for anyone to stay longer than for a cup of tea.

When the baby was sleeping I used to curl up on the sofa with the Moses basket next to me and sleep, or read or watch crap on the tv. I just needed to be quiet with the blinds closed and have some peace. I would ignore the door and turn my phone on silent. I really needed that time to recharge. I would have absolutely hated having 24/7 house guests during this time.

It doesn't matter what your in laws expect, what your partner thinks or what anyone on here says. What matters is that you don't want this to happen, and seeing as you are the one that will have recently given birth and be recovering, it should be your decision.

There's no need for it to become heated or awkward. It just needs to be straight forward, honest and non confrontational.

Your husband should say something along the lines of

"We have thought about your visit and as we don't know how well we will be sleeping, and how we will be coping having a baby generally we would prefer to all have our own space. We will look at finding somewhere nearby in an air b&b or hotel and send you some ideas. You can of course come round to ours every day and we will plan days out etc "

But unless they are hard up financially I wouldn't be offering to contribute to the cost. Just because you don't feel upto hosting for two weeks doesn't make you financially responsible for their accommodation.

Sugargliderwombat · 19/04/2023 13:33

diddl · 19/04/2023 10:51

I do not see her do my dirty laundry, cook for me, clean etc.

She is coming to visit though not to skivvy!

Your husband can washing, cooking & cleaning!

Perhaps you could de camp to your Grandmother!

Why on earth should a new mum pack up her month old baby and move out ? Are you for real? Don't do this OP 🤣

bamboonights · 19/04/2023 13:51

Olegia · 19/04/2023 07:10

Hi all,

So I'm in an interesting situation, whereby the facts are:
-I will soon be having my first baby
-My partner and I (both in our mid to late 20's) recently bought our first flat and moved in. It is not a very big flat, though it does have 2 bedrooms, it is around 1000 sqft.
-We live abroad (in Belgium), and his parents live in the UK. They of course want to be involved and meet the little bundle of joy, so will be coming over for a week or 2 to be there/help out (well, I hope the latter part actualises).
-They are planning on coming over a month after the baby's birth.

The thing is, I know that the first few weeks with a newborn are quite tough, I/we will be quite sleep-deprived, and it is in general an intense and emotional time, for which we will want our own space. I, being the mother, will be recovering physically and will probably be the most sleep-deprived of all, and it's not my family who will be entering our living space.

On the one hand, I feel guilty because we literally would have one bedroom free, since the baby would sleep with us in the bedroom, and accommodation is around 70GBP per night, but on the other hand, I know that his parents presence into our flat might become grating after a few days (especially the dad, who's quite loud, would wake up in the middle of the night and open his laptop/do other things, he's also in general not a very clean person, and I don't anticipate him being of actual help with the baby).
Also because I will be breastfeeding, we've kind of agreed that it would be ok for my partner to sleep in another room every now and then so at least one of us can get some sleep, so the place would start to feel a bit cramped. I feel like it will be a lot to have them both staying IN our flat for 2 weeks. Not to mention the mother in law can be, without intending to, a bit annoying with her remarks I'm anticipating about how I need to 'chill out', 'relax', 'make sure that this/that'.

I'll preface by saying that I know it is my partner's responsibility to talk with them about it, but is it unreasonable to expect them to get their own accommodation/Airbnb nearby?

I simply cannot understand these in-laws who think it's ok NOT to give a new mother some space after a birth. Does it not occur to them that you are probably leaking from every orifice and may be embarrassed at getting your tits out in front of FIL? Having your own mother around is very a different scenario.

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2023 14:05

Does it not occur to them that you are probably leaking from every orifice and may be embarrassed at getting your tits out in front of FIL?

Probably not because we forget. By the time your kids are old enough to procreate your memory of the first couple of months of their life is hazy to say the least.

It just needs to be laid out very clearly:

We’d love to see you and have you meet your new grandchild but it’s probably going to be chaos and we don’t want you to be kept awake all night. We think it’s better for all of us if you stay close by so you get a break from us all. Obviously if that’s not what you want we’ll have to postpone your visit for a bit.

Blablabla1984 · 19/04/2023 14:10

It really depends on how they are and your relationship with them. My in-laws came for 6 weeks when my first one was born and I still talk about how helpful that was.
They did EVERYTHING though!!! Cooking, cleaning, making all tea/coffee, food shopping, parcel collecting/shipping and also watched the little one if I needed a shower or a nap.

So if your in-laws are like that, I'd have them. If they come and they are guests where you have to put more work in, then no.

Original poster
Olegia · 19/04/2023 14:30

Blablabla1984 · 19/04/2023 14:10

It really depends on how they are and your relationship with them. My in-laws came for 6 weeks when my first one was born and I still talk about how helpful that was.
They did EVERYTHING though!!! Cooking, cleaning, making all tea/coffee, food shopping, parcel collecting/shipping and also watched the little one if I needed a shower or a nap.

So if your in-laws are like that, I'd have them. If they come and they are guests where you have to put more work in, then no.

it would be more like the latter situation unfortunately. I'm sure they'll do a few things here and there (watch the baby when I shower, etc.), but I can almost guarantee that they will not be very 'hands on' and pro-active (which would be what I need most, like cooking so I don't need to think about it, cleaning after cooking, changing nappies and putting to bed). Not to mention that if anyone will do a few things here and there, it will be the mom, NOT the dad. I'm not sure what his role will be this whole time to be honest.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/04/2023 14:32

Why on earth should a new mum pack up her month old baby and move out ? Are you for real? Don't do this OP 🤣

I meant if for some reason Ils end up staying.

Hopefully that won't happen.

Original poster
Olegia · 19/04/2023 14:36

My sister (who herself has had children 3 and 5 years ago), will be coming over, and from the way she is talking, is very ready and knows all the challenges that will come with a newborn. She has clearly articulated the help she will be provided and stayed very realistic and pragmatic.
The In-laws, on the other hand, emphasised a lot about how it is to 'see the baby', 'get to know her' etc. etc. Funnily enough they never mentioned the concept of 'help' when coming over.

So I've put my foot down and told my DH to tell them to get their own accommodation, which they said they are fine with. The only thing is that they will not be coming over by car, but by Eurostar, so would need somewhere fairly close to ours. In this case, the minimum price per night would be 100 euros, which is just enormous, so now I feel overridden with guilt! Do you think they'll think of us as selfish for paying such a large amount when we literally have a bedroom free?
I simply cannot fathom having them around, on top of this, there is only one bathroom, and one toilet in our flat, and the 2 bedroom are just a few meters one from the other

OP posts:
diddl · 19/04/2023 14:37

I think it's not even always about how helpful visitors might be-but how comfortable you would feel.

You get up & there they are-is that good or bad?

Original poster
Olegia · 19/04/2023 14:42

diddl · 19/04/2023 14:37

I think it's not even always about how helpful visitors might be-but how comfortable you would feel.

You get up & there they are-is that good or bad?

Considering that she likes to make barely veiled comments about how I need to relax/chill, go with the flow, don't plan... (insert any other type of unhelpful advice that is directly related to my personality), I quite frankly don't want her there no

OP posts:
diddl · 19/04/2023 14:49

I quite frankly don't want her there no

That's that then!

Visitors can be difficult even if you get on well.

I obviously don't know the plans but if for example they are hoping to have breakfast & then be at yours until after the evening meal I'm sure that will feel like more than enough!

Holly60 · 19/04/2023 15:01

Ostryga · 19/04/2023 07:23

I don’t understand why op needs to pay for people to see her baby? She’s not a hotel with an attraction, her in laws are adults presumably with income, so if they want to stay for 2 weeks they need to organise accommodation as every other person would.

This is a spectacularly ungenerous attitude isn't it.

Presumably it would actually be their son paying for them anyway, as OP Will be on mat leave.

Holly60 · 19/04/2023 15:15

Olegia · 19/04/2023 14:36

My sister (who herself has had children 3 and 5 years ago), will be coming over, and from the way she is talking, is very ready and knows all the challenges that will come with a newborn. She has clearly articulated the help she will be provided and stayed very realistic and pragmatic.
The In-laws, on the other hand, emphasised a lot about how it is to 'see the baby', 'get to know her' etc. etc. Funnily enough they never mentioned the concept of 'help' when coming over.

So I've put my foot down and told my DH to tell them to get their own accommodation, which they said they are fine with. The only thing is that they will not be coming over by car, but by Eurostar, so would need somewhere fairly close to ours. In this case, the minimum price per night would be 100 euros, which is just enormous, so now I feel overridden with guilt! Do you think they'll think of us as selfish for paying such a large amount when we literally have a bedroom free?
I simply cannot fathom having them around, on top of this, there is only one bathroom, and one toilet in our flat, and the 2 bedroom are just a few meters one from the other

Maybe plan to treat them to some nice takeaways etc whilst they are over?

You could also pay for a nice bottle of wine to be there when they arrive etc.

That should assuage the guilt Grin

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 15:15

It would be a shame to fall out with them simply because of lack of space and how you are feeling.

A month in of broken sleep and some cope better than others.

At that stage I recall being in bed at 8pm so that I could get maximum sleep between feeds.

This helped to keep me well rested and well in myself.

Everyone is different in how they cope with broken sleep.

If this visit goes well, perhaps in future, down the line you could do a short two night visit.

If you don't fall out with them, it might be possible.

You have no idea how you will feel so it is best to be cautious.

Your partner needs to be responsible for all food while they visit.

Hand over this task to him firmly and tell him you don't want to hear about it or to be involved.

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 15:42

Olegia · 19/04/2023 14:36

My sister (who herself has had children 3 and 5 years ago), will be coming over, and from the way she is talking, is very ready and knows all the challenges that will come with a newborn. She has clearly articulated the help she will be provided and stayed very realistic and pragmatic.
The In-laws, on the other hand, emphasised a lot about how it is to 'see the baby', 'get to know her' etc. etc. Funnily enough they never mentioned the concept of 'help' when coming over.

So I've put my foot down and told my DH to tell them to get their own accommodation, which they said they are fine with. The only thing is that they will not be coming over by car, but by Eurostar, so would need somewhere fairly close to ours. In this case, the minimum price per night would be 100 euros, which is just enormous, so now I feel overridden with guilt! Do you think they'll think of us as selfish for paying such a large amount when we literally have a bedroom free?
I simply cannot fathom having them around, on top of this, there is only one bathroom, and one toilet in our flat, and the 2 bedroom are just a few meters one from the other

You set your boundaries and they can do what they like no? If they only want to stay 3 nights to save money - so be it.

Its still a sensible choice. There was another thread recently where a woman was bullied by her DH and also some posters into allowing her in laws to come when she didn’t want them. Don’t be that meek.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2023 16:04

YANBU and the upside of them getting an AirBnB is their visit will be shorter.

Do not let them stay in your flat under any circumstances.

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2023 17:21

€100 a night is fine. They’d be lucky to find anything at that price in the UK. Forget the guilt, it’s unnecessary.

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