In-laws staying at our flat after birth

[Olegia]

Hi all,

So I'm in an interesting situation, whereby the facts are:
-I will soon be having my first baby
-My partner and I (both in our mid to late 20's) recently bought our first flat and moved in. It is not a very big flat, though it does have 2 bedrooms, it is around 1000 sqft.
-We live abroad (in Belgium), and his parents live in the UK. They of course want to be involved and meet the little bundle of joy, so will be coming over for a week or 2 to be there/help out (well, I hope the latter part actualises).
-They are planning on coming over a month after the baby's birth.

The thing is, I know that the first few weeks with a newborn are quite tough, I/we will be quite sleep-deprived, and it is in general an intense and emotional time, for which we will want our own space. I, being the mother, will be recovering physically and will probably be the most sleep-deprived of all, and it's not my family who will be entering our living space.

On the one hand, I feel guilty because we literally would have one bedroom free, since the baby would sleep with us in the bedroom, and accommodation is around 70GBP per night, but on the other hand, I know that his parents presence into our flat might become grating after a few days (especially the dad, who's quite loud, would wake up in the middle of the night and open his laptop/do other things, he's also in general not a very clean person, and I don't anticipate him being of actual help with the baby).
Also because I will be breastfeeding, we've kind of agreed that it would be ok for my partner to sleep in another room every now and then so at least one of us can get some sleep, so the place would start to feel a bit cramped. I feel like it will be a lot to have them both staying IN our flat for 2 weeks. Not to mention the mother in law can be, without intending to, a bit annoying with her remarks I'm anticipating about how I need to 'chill out', 'relax', 'make sure that this/that'.

I'll preface by saying that I know it is my partner's responsibility to talk with them about it, but is it unreasonable to expect them to get their own accommodation/Airbnb nearby?

Yikes! YADNBU. This feels like a good opportunity to assert boundaries- you don’t have to put up and shut up, you can assert yourself and your privacy in your own home. Do it now and it’ll be easier later. And there’s no need to pay for their accommodation, they aren’t doing you a favour here or working for you. They are adults and can choose a budget that suits their circumstances- if that means they stay for less that two weeks, so be it.

in the month after my baby was born, I felt like I was losing my mind- I can only imagine what it would have been like if I’d had difficult in laws crowding my space!

If DH doesn’t like it, show him one of the many threads on here where women ask similar questions, and the responses they get!

side note- ‘you’ve got to be relaxed about it’- ugh. There’s sadly still some women who believed that because they were pressured into being martyr mums, everybody else should, too….

It really depends on what kind of person you are, how they are and how your relationship is.
My mum stayed with me when my first was born. We lived in Australia at the time near the inlaws. It was great, but obvioulsy not the same.
We moved back to Europe before my second was born and the inlaws stayed with me after the birth. In fact, they came 1 week before she was born and stayed for 3 weeks after birth. It was really helpful for me. MIL did help a lot with washing and cooking and FIL entertained our older child a lot.
It was obviously a little weird sometimes to have someone in the house at all times and MIL was always there with advice. But the good outweighed the bad for me.

OP, start as you mean to go .

Life changes a lot with babies.

We loved having guests to stay pre children and had them often.

Afterwards not as much.

We like our sleep and that cames first.

Belgium is no distance.

It is a perfect spot to visit for 3 nights.

You have a long road ahead of you.

Encourage them to find simple accommodation nearby.

Does your partner cook?

He nees to focus on being able to do a few simple meals for HIS parents.

You will regret starting to provide meals.

Leave it completely in his hands to sort food out for you all.

YOU will be busy with the baby and catching up on rest.

Start as you mean to go on.

Your MIL sounds very passive aggressive with her "you need to chill out" etc.

That is not someone you want staying with you, if that is how she behaves.

Up to your partner to tell them this.

Not you.

Be firm with him.

Definitely not unreasonable, it is tough with a newborn, especially breastfeeding at the start. When my baby was born my parents came up to stay when he was about 3 weeks old for a few days and stayed in a b and b (their idea however) even though we have quite a big house and space, it helped alot.

Hi, having lived in Belgium, it’s definitely an easy trip.

I also don’t think them staying with you is a sensible idea but totally understand why they want to come over. Why not post on an expat bulletin board asking if anyone locally needs a house/pet sitter for the period, in our experience people were always travelling and looking for people to take care of houses and animals.

3-4 days max and ideally staying elsewhere.

But totally your husbands place to sort them out and back you up. How does he feel? Does he want them to stay?

If your baby is overdue you could still be recovering and bleeding. You won't want to hide away in the bedroom to constantly feed the baby just so FIL doesn't feel uncomfortable with you getting your boobs out to feed the baby.

Yanbu, the first months are the hardest. Establishing breastfeeding is so hard and you need to feel comfortable too. My dps came over for 3 months when my baby(now 5m) was born. They were amazing though, I didn't even cook for 3 months my mum made sure we were all fed really well. Dad helped so much with my older dc school run and activities. I won't ever forget that. They are so easy to live with though, even my DH was so sad when they left. If your IL are not considerate and would be more of a hinderance than help then definitely don't have them come stay, you will have such resentment that will damage the relationship. Can they come stay for a week at the end of their trip, just to compromise?

What@billy1966 said. This is your time as a new mother, you need to find your bearings and you need space to do that. We had my family stay with us for all our dc, because that was best for me. They are extremely easy to live with and so so helpful. Dh family are the opposite and they only came to stay after a few months, although visited to see the dc. Dh was completely on board with supporting whatever was best for us. What does your dh say?

OP states they're staying for a week or two a month after the birth - not staying for a month

One bathroom? If so that’s a hard no

My in laws came to stay after I had Dd and were bloody annoying but seeing as Dh had insisted on us buying a large house it was fine as I barely saw them. At close quarters it would have been disastrous

Yeah she isn't going to be helpful and 2 weeks is ridiculous.

You absolutely need that spare bedroom so DH can go and sleep there if necessary. Genuinely. You don’t know what your sleep needs will be yet abd it would be crazy to limit your options when you don’t need to

Oh and if he insists on them staying in the spare room, I would make absolutely no effort to be quiet at night when the baby wakes.

Wake the whole house with the noise of a baby feeding at night.

Passive aggressively.

Sharing one loo with anyone, after giving birth, is a complete no no IMO.

Two weeks is at least a week too long and they need to stay elsewhere. You could take the sting out of it by presenting it as being for their benefit. Obviously they don’t want to be kept awake by a crying baby, do they? It will be chaos so you’re sure they’ll want to retreat for some peace and quiet. You get the picture.

I agree with most PPs that you need your space and privacy and they should stay in a airbnb. They don't have to stay with you to be able to see a lot of the baby.

Maybe think already of a few stock phrases to push back against MIL when she starts with her nonsense ? "You have to chill out" I am thanks. I had no help with my girls...I remember cooking for guests. Well everyone's experience is different...I'm sure no-one would expect me to cook for them (add on maybe "how inconsiderate would that be") !

Are you in Brussels OP ? I am, and there's loads of airbnbs. Also Aparthotels, although they're a bit more expensive. But they'll have a bit more space and their own kitchenette. You don't say when PILs will be over, but for example for an aparthotel in Zaventem, for 2 weeks it's 1527 eur for 1 - 15 May. A week from 29 May to 5 June is 706 eur.

Good luck ! I hope they see that this is best option for you (and your DH).

Belgium isn’t a long trip from the UK. Tell them 3 days / a long weekend to meet the baby.

Definitely agree you should stick to your guns. I’ve been in your position, albeit with a slightly older newborn. When you have a baby, guests who stay longer than 2 nights are just a pain in the arse. And when it’s a newborn, you need your space even more! Who are these grandparents who think it’s acceptable to push themselves in like this?! I’d be mortified if my child and her future partner felt they had to pay me off to stay in a hotel to avoid me being ‘offended’. For gods sake, family is meant to support one another, they can do that with day time visits and by offering help. Why should it be all about them and their needs?!

Thanks all, this is confirming what I thought too, but being mildly gaslighted by the MIL doesn't help me see things objectively!
It's very very clear they can't stay over. I do expect that they will want to stay over at our flat the NEXT times they visit though (the MIL keeps making comments when we bought the flat 'oh well make sure there's enough room for a pull-out bed for the guests'! etc). Though I can't imagine how that would work, once the baby needs her own bedroom.

I appreciate that it is very context-specific (context being: how easy/helpful the in laws are). In this case I just KNOW the dad will just be a bit loud and thoughtless throughout his stay (they came over to visit last year, and I remember he left crumbs in the house when eating his biscuits, woke my DH up at 6am, who slept on the couch so that the parents could have the bedroom (I slept at my grandmas house nearby), and started eating some biscuits and loudly breathing

The mom is actually very nice all things considered, but I do not see her do my dirty laundry, cook for me, clean etc. And most of all, the side comments about how I need to relax etc.. are what would drive me the most mad!! The other day she said 'I know you're quite sensitive and particular about noise, when the baby comes along make sure that she's used to some noise and that the house doens't need to perfectly still for her to sleep'. Yeah. Starting with the advice before the baby is even born!

The thing is, I would have appreciated if she ASKED me what I wanted/needed and when, instead of what's convenient for THEM

I do not see her do my dirty laundry, cook for me, clean etc.

She is coming to visit though not to skivvy!

Your husband can washing, cooking & cleaning!

Perhaps you could de camp to your Grandmother!

Don’t let them stay with you…. You do not know how you are going to be feeling. You may be feeling great but you may not. It is an added layer of pressure on to you and it’s not necessary. I cannot even believe the audacity of some peoples families to think this acceptable to do to a new, young family.
Make sure that they know they are welcome to visit and spend time with baby, even try to make some (loose) plans like going for some nice walks or going for lunch etc, but don’t feel pressured into letting them stay for two weeks. I’d even use this time to your advantage to catch up on sleep and let partner take baby for a walk with IL’s for an hour most days.

She is very passively aggressively being critical of you in her comments.

If you find this annoying now, it will drive you bonkers after the baby.

It WILL cause problems in your relationship.

Her views on how quiet you want your home to be, is none of her business.

In your shoes I would speak VERY honestly to your partner.

Tell him, in plain language, that you don't want to fall out with his parents.

BUT you will not accept the imposition of them in your home and her critical remarks spoiling the arrival of your child.

Tell him, "we have not bought a home big enough for your parents to visit,
they will have to stay nearby.
It will be best for our long term relationship that they do NOT stay with us."

Being honest now, will save upset, believe me.

You didn't buy a house.
You bought an apartment and space will be tight when the baby arrives.

It's in EVERYONE'S interest that they don't stay, and you don't fall out with each other.

My parents came for 2 weeks after my youngest was born as we had moved abroad, 2 bed flat, and my brother decided to come as well (slept on sofa) it was fine actually but my mum takes over the cooking, laundry and childcare without being needed to be asked also they automatically offer to buy groceries etc.

She is very passively aggressively being critical of you in her comments.

You recommended that OP was passive aggressive a little earlier. Do you approve of it or not? Or are only some people allowed to be?

I think a month after the birth is ok for a weekend visit only. Not 1-2 weeks. I would probably let them stay maximum of 3 nights at your flat. Can you use the fact they are there to catch up on sleep?