Was my sister out of line? Or am I really too sensitive?

[blahblahsensitive]

Since I’ve been young, my older sister has always put me down. Everytime I’ve expressed an interest, it’s been “since when do you like that?” “Are you only listening to that band because of me?” So I’ve always grown up sheltering myself from her.
A few years ago she told me I have no personality, but I honestly believe that’s because I have never felt confident enough and have always hidden any interests from her, for example growing up listening to music in earphones rather than out loud.

I thought now we’re older (26 and 29) it would have changed slightly but it hasn’t.

I’ve always not minded watching darts on tv, with my family, often it is her being loudly excited about it and showing interest, and I’ll watch in the background. I now have a boyfriend who also loves darts, so I took him to go and watch a premier league darts game about 2 hours away and stayed the night. I enjoyed it too. I put a picture on my Instagram story and sent one to our family group chat, saying my dad’s favourite player with heart eye emojis.

On both instagram and in the group chat, my sister had to make a point of messaging me “since when do you like darts
/when have you ever watched darts 😂😂😂”. The laughing faces seriously pissed me off and I got so upset, it ruined my night and I got really teary. I haven’t lived with her for years either.

I basically told her I was sick of being judged and here’s how the convo went roughly:

Sister: I’m not putting you down I’ve just never seen you watch darts or take an interest”
Me: ”why even ask then, why not just leave me to it without judging. Why the laughing faces”
S: “because it’s funny”
Me: “I don’t even feel like I can be here because I’m being judged again”
S: ”well that’s your problem. I find you don’t show an interest in lots of things at home and suddenly turn up at them. I’m not judging it’s just confusing, that’s why it’s funny”
Me: “okay well I mainly went for DP, but so what if I was suddenly interested?”
S: ”because you’re banging on with heart eyes as if you’re the darts fan, NOT that you’re there for DP. You’ve made your way all the way there, that’s what a darts fan would do. And I’ve never seen you watch it or take an interest 😂😂”

Pretty much sums it up. Like it honestly brings me down so much. I can’t do a single thing without being judged or interrogated, and she always has to be the “biggest fan” because she’s loud and brash and makes a bigger deal of them.

AIBU??

She was being unnecessarily combative to put you down. You were upset.

Look, can you just cut down on contact with her. At least for a while? Send the message to your parents - but not her? Restrict her access to your IG?

Your sister sounds rather unpleasant but there is a phrase you need to learn…..

”There is a lot you don’t know about me. 😉”

This.

It doesn't sound like anything to get teary about, but, if you don't get on, have another whatsapp group with just your parents and just send them things.
You don't have to engage with her if she can't be nice.

I hope your sister sees this & realises she’s a nasty b!

I'd be tempted to tell her that you don't show an interest in front of her as she's always so rude.

She sounds unpleasant.

Actually did tell her that in the end, I just feel like there must be a reason and I must be in the wrong ☹️

Family dynamics are very complicated, I'm in my 60's but I still find myself reverting to little sister mode and getting myself worked up because my older sister is annoyed that I haven't acted exactly as she wants. I regularly remind myself that I am an adult who shouldn't let it bother me. In a similar situation with someone I've only known as an adult I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself, it's just with her I mentally return to childhood and, when they were alive, our late parents. My only suggestion is in future when she makes similar comments is to reply "you really don't know me at all do you".

If she really is doing it repetitively, then I'd probably throw a bit of sass back and say something like: 'Well, not all of us are as predictable as you X! How many times have you asked that question over the years? 😂It's as predictable as all of your interests because you go on about them constantly. Some of us are dark horses 😂😂😂'.

Don't forget to use a tonne of laughing emojis going forward, whatever you do. Treat yourself. She'll love it.

You backed down as soon as she questioned you though and made it out you went for him. You should have said, 'I've always enjoyed watching at home just don't make as a big a song and dance of it as you'. Give it back to her every time. She's used to taking the piss out of you and always will if you don't stand up to her. It will be hard because standing up for yourself doesn't come naturally to you. What ypu need to remember is by answering back and giving her what for you are not being rude, just standing your ground and so you should.

you need to care less what she thinks. If you like things that she ‘liked first’ or whatever that’s fine, and you can tell her that, or ignore/roll eyes at her comments.

after the "lots you don't know about me" if she keeps on say "gatekeeping is such an ugly trait, don't you think?"

'Oh ok. Well I do like darts.'

Job done.

Honestly I think the trick is to disengage as much as possible.

Ahhh I feel its half of one and half of the other, I can see her funny points I can see yours to sensitive to so try think of a meet in the middle thing

Yeah, sounds like she likes to “own” things and is threatened by you liking anything she does in some way.

She is being goady but hard as it is, you have to just learn to ignore her. Not for her sake but because she’s doing it for the reaction, so when you give it to her, she knows she’s touched a button and won’t validate your feelings, she’ll keep digging in for more of the reaction. You will never end up feeling better for calling her on her goading or reacting to it.

The best response is no response or a smiley-face emoji or thumbs up emoji. But if you have to reply, aim for something that shuts down the conversation.
”I’m full of surprises.”
”Life is long, people can try new things.”

The worst thing is asking questions (“Why would you say that/what’s your problem with me?”) as it’s an invitation for her to make you into the problem. You’re not, but that won’t stop her, and you’ll only end up in a fight that stresses you out.

Internally, think “Christ, here she goes again, trying to be the queen of everything.” Externally, smile and walk away.

She sounds jealous and a bully.
Go low or no contact, and be yourself without the nasty little jibes and digs.
🌸

She's doing it because she can.

You need to go low contact.

Is she a bit jealous you got to see the darts and not her?

I think you're being over sensitive yes. I'm guessing you're a private person and are selective who you share things with. Tbh if my sister posted similar I'd think 'since when were you into darts?'. The 😍 in particular would grab my attention. I don't think she's judging you, I think she's surprised you're declaring you 'love' darts. Then you almost qualify her Really?! by saying it was more for your BF.
It's hard to get to know an introvert (assuming you are) as you get limited cues or feedback. It's just 2 very different personalities that feel secure enough to be a bit blunt.
The comments she made as a teen don't stand now. I dare say you've described her as a loud attention seeker at times.
I guess my question really is why do you specifically seek your sisters approval?

This sounds like my sibling. I’ve gone no contact and blocked them on all social media. I really can’t be arsed with their remarks and criticisms. Make me feel like shit and gets me annoyed. So it’s better to have no contact.

What's gatekeeping?

Also sounds like something my sister would do. YANBU OP no reasoning with someone like this

You have to give it back. Respond to every message with and...? And they'll dry up pretty quick. When she stop trying to wind you up, respond normally.

I get what you mean. My family can be pretty overpowering. I never shared my interests and who I am as a person growing up. I allowed myself to be defined by them and ignored what I wanted. I am older now but they were then very surprised when I voted remain when they all voted to leave the EU for example. No way would I have divulged this before because they would have just goaded me constantly. As is, I was from then thought to have two heads and a loony left.

Bottom line is that there is plenty your family doesn’t know about you. If they cared to be calm and quiet you could tell them. As is, they aren’t. And a “go on then tell me” is not conducive to starting to open up.

She sounds like a right madam, probably jealous of you hence the constant put downs.