Was my sister out of line? Or am I really too sensitive?

[blahblahsensitive]

Since I’ve been young, my older sister has always put me down. Everytime I’ve expressed an interest, it’s been “since when do you like that?” “Are you only listening to that band because of me?” So I’ve always grown up sheltering myself from her.
A few years ago she told me I have no personality, but I honestly believe that’s because I have never felt confident enough and have always hidden any interests from her, for example growing up listening to music in earphones rather than out loud.

I thought now we’re older (26 and 29) it would have changed slightly but it hasn’t.

I’ve always not minded watching darts on tv, with my family, often it is her being loudly excited about it and showing interest, and I’ll watch in the background. I now have a boyfriend who also loves darts, so I took him to go and watch a premier league darts game about 2 hours away and stayed the night. I enjoyed it too. I put a picture on my Instagram story and sent one to our family group chat, saying my dad’s favourite player with heart eye emojis.

On both instagram and in the group chat, my sister had to make a point of messaging me “since when do you like darts
/when have you ever watched darts 😂😂😂”. The laughing faces seriously pissed me off and I got so upset, it ruined my night and I got really teary. I haven’t lived with her for years either.

I basically told her I was sick of being judged and here’s how the convo went roughly:

Sister: I’m not putting you down I’ve just never seen you watch darts or take an interest”
Me: ”why even ask then, why not just leave me to it without judging. Why the laughing faces”
S: “because it’s funny”
Me: “I don’t even feel like I can be here because I’m being judged again”
S: ”well that’s your problem. I find you don’t show an interest in lots of things at home and suddenly turn up at them. I’m not judging it’s just confusing, that’s why it’s funny”
Me: “okay well I mainly went for DP, but so what if I was suddenly interested?”
S: ”because you’re banging on with heart eyes as if you’re the darts fan, NOT that you’re there for DP. You’ve made your way all the way there, that’s what a darts fan would do. And I’ve never seen you watch it or take an interest 😂😂”

Pretty much sums it up. Like it honestly brings me down so much. I can’t do a single thing without being judged or interrogated, and she always has to be the “biggest fan” because she’s loud and brash and makes a bigger deal of them.

AIBU??

'When you post laughing emojis or comment since when...., you are clearly mocking me and it is not ok.' If she does it again, dont engage. Praise positive comments, if there are any, and ignore negative ones.

I find F off works quite well

Jeez, she owns darts 😑
I'd have been annoyed too. It's like she's accusing you of being fake.

Her telling you that you have no personality says more about her than it does about you.

It's a horrible thing to say and it's no wonder you're wary expressing yourself around he'd.

If you don't block her id rake the piss out of her in the future. "Oh sorry, I forgot you own Darts'. Or 'I don't know sis, am I hungry?". "Am I allowed to like this band?". "So what's your dismissive reaction to my reading this best seller, let's get it over with!".

I get it and there's no comeback that doesn't sound pathetic!

What about commenting on her thinking rather than the content, which can sound defensive which I think you may be seeing as pathetic. So 'what an interesting comment, what motivated you to say that?' or 'what are you hoping to achieve with a statement like that?'.

Ps, also second the use of humour - taking the piss like asking if you like something, commenting on the amount of time it took her to make a nasty comment, or even just saying something like, 'hm, interesting', or 'I will make a note of that'. If part of what she is doing is trying to get a rise out of you, the best thing you can do is not give it to her, either ignore her when she is negative, or laugh at her.

She sounds insecure and she takes it out on you because she’s learnt you’re an easy target because of how you react- she can make you feel small and stupid with a bit of needling. The trick is to not show she’s getting to you. The more she goes on and the less you react the more of a bitch she looks and in my family at least, she’d soon be told to shut up and stop being a boring twat.

Gatekeeping the of watching darts ffs. She needs to get a life.

Ugh I know this dynamic deep in my soul…

my sister and I have a decade on you two, and I’ve made progress! I don’t interact with her on social media. At all. No family group text - if I want to share something with my parents I do. I only see her at their home and I act completely non-plussed by her competitive digs. And, since I haven’t opened myself up to her in years the digs are getting very weak and stale.

S: since when have you cared about x?
me: oh jeez, a few years at least
s: random passive aggressive statement
me: ok (smile)
s: you always / you never x
me: ok (smile)
s: I’ve never seen you y
me: huh, yeah I guess you haven’t

then I ask superficial questions about the weather or her dog until she gets bored and wanders off

I don’t think you are being over sensitive.
Your sister sounds abit…jealous or competitive/controlling & is looking for a reaction, in the nicest way possible, you are giving her one.
As other posters have said, for people like her, it’s best to disengage.
Don’t ask her ‘why did you say that’ etc she will always turn it around on you/say things like ‘you’re being over sensitive’ & you end up more frustrated.
The best thing to do is give short witty or matter of fact responses. Things like ‘I’m full of surprises!😉or ‘darts is great, really enjoyed it!’ There’s not much she can really say after that.

If she’s been doing this for years, she’s not going to change, but you can change how you react & hopefully in turn, how it makes you feel. Once she sees you are not responding how she wants, she will most likely stop bothering ( it will probably frustrate her at first)

One of my older sisters used to be like this - very similar, although not as bad as your sister sounds. I used the about tactics & eventually she got the message & stopped saying crap. We get on much better now she knows I don’t take any of her nonsense!

I read on a website some time ago that you can't change other people, you can only change how you react to these other people. I think it is valid whether these other people are family or are friends or even strangers.

Use this as an opportunity to change how you react to her.

Perhaps go grey rock - don't react at all or very minimally to her questions/comments.

I don't think she is a positive influence in your life and hasn't been for quite some time. You've been conditioned almost to react in a certain way to her and her comments towards you. Time to break that habit.

It isn't going to be easy but you sound like a woman who has inner strength that hasn't been tapped yet. Time to release that stronger inner woman in you and take back control.

You should have just ignored her and said “you’d have loved it dad, we’ll take you sometime” If she’d asked why she wasn’t invited you could have said “I think you’d be a bit too hard work”

I think possibly a bit of both. It wasnt a nice comment and was designed to wind you up / imply you don't really have your own interests. All with laughing emojis so she can claim it was 'lighthearted'.

But you did rise to it and try and justify yourself to her. Ask yourself why you feel you need to justify such a juvenile thing to her, why you even give a shit about how much of a darts/ music etc fan that she judges you to be? Youre unlikely to be able to change her opinion of you. You can control how you react though.

I'd grey rock in the first instance. The less she knows about your life, the less she can pick it apart. And then try not to rise to it. Don't argue, don't justify - you cant ever win with someone like this. Just make some jokey comment back or put some laughing emojis. Or like other people have said said, make a comment like 'well I'm a dark horse / full of surprises' etc and then if she pushes it say she seems very invested in your hobbies and interests with a few laughing emojis

It does sound like you're very sensitive about it because it keeps happening. A one off, I'd think you were silly for crying but repetitive put downs isn't nice. Tell her a few occasions where she's done this, tell her it's not funny and there's no need for it. If it happens again, ask her why she's saying it. Often unkind people realise they're wrong when they're questioned.

This.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, like others have said please block her from all forms of social media.
I think would write a long message to her, for your sake, get everything off your chest and explain why now you are going low contact and blocking her social media. She can send emojis she can laugh, she can call you x,y and z, she can try cause drama with your family... I think you should expect that and try to ignore it, grey rock method going forward.
You deserve better op!! Sounds like for your whole life been bullied by your sis

@Icepinkeskimo · Yesterday 19:27
She sounds jealous and a bully.
Go low or no contact, and be yourself without the nasty little jibes and digs.
🌸

This

Even if you’re not that arsed about darts it’s a great night out.

She’s jealous OP. Don’t rise to it.

Toxic sibling relationships are more common than you might think, so it's good to know that you are not alone.

There is nothing you can do about your sister's behaviour. It's not your fault, and it's okay to be upset.

Having strong boundaries and refusing to "take the bait" will help you to step back from her.

You can choose not to respond to her goady texts, or to reply with something totally innocuous like, "okay", or "whatever".

There's probably no point in your trying to explain how she makes you feel, as this will just give her more ammunition to poke at you. She will probably respond with things like, "you're too sensitive", "I was only joking", to minimise her behaviour and negate your feelings. So I really wouldn't bother.

Start trying to care less about what she thinks. Ignore her sniping. Step away from the toxic behaviour. You're not kids any more. You are free to be whoever you want and you're not answerable to her (or anyone else for that matter).

You might want to look up Dr Ramani on YouTube and check out some of her comments about toxic siblings.

Thank you all! I do wish I’d taken the higher ground but I was clearly feeling extra sensitive that day 😂. Just felt so annoyed that it ruined a perfectly reasonable night out with DP.

I’ll try not to let it get me down next time! She’s done it ever since I can remember…

Some people are loudly insecure and your sister is one of them. Be grateful that, in contrast, you are quietly confident.

Well done on pulling sister up on things, but maybe think about how much energy you’re going to expend in future if she can’t/won’t reflect.

She sounds really unnecessarily combative and you have to wonder why she goes out of her way to shade you. Usually it comes down to insecurity. I have a sister like that who constantly takes every conversation I have with her to a passive aggressive place where the motive is always to make me uncomfortable. Ultimately the only way I can manage to have a relationship with her is in small doses. It's too emotionally tiring otherwise.

The example you gave does make me think you're a bit over sensitive, especially since you let it ruin your night.

That said, quickest way to deal with this is block her off your social media or at least change the settings so she can't see any updates.

She may feel that you're prickly and oversensitive but if the result of that is her concluding she needs to mind her manners more around you, that will be no bad thing.

Your sister doesn’t know you.

I think if she says something again I might have a reply prepped like “you mean like you didn’t think I liked darts even though I’d sat with you and dad for years watching it? Maybe it’s time for you to accept you’ve not got a clue what I like!”

I'd ask her to explain the joke - it's very effective. Be completely dumb and keep poker-facedly not getting it until she's really backed herself into a corner of how nasty she's being. "I'm only joking / having a laugh" is the bully's defence.

Family!

I have a brother that is similar. However he likes to tease, name call, very childish stuff, just to get a reaction out of me. I do react, but it’s only to stick up for myself, however this just makes him name-call, tease even further for a bigger reaction. He’s 34, I’m 32, both are married and have kids, this shouldn’t even be happening! Anyway, I rarely talk to him these days because it’s just tiring, and every phone call would end abruptly because he’d say something petty and I just don’t have time for it so I don’t pick the phone up anymore! I’ll occasionally talk to him nicely to ask how his family is but I’ll make an excuse after a while to end the call before it ends badly! I think you need to cut contact with your toxic sibling also, believe me you will feel better for it!

If you expect put downs, they won’t annoy you. Make a list of her most annoying traits and promise yourself a box of chocolates on the way home if she does five of them 😁

Alternatively, amuse yourself with a series of witty sarcastic retorts or one liners- I’ve never seen you take an interest in darts- well thank God you are here to share your thoughts on that with the world. Anyway…..

Or sooo obssessed with me. I’ll take that as a compliment….

Yet again the wit and belly laughs are off the scale 🙄 thanks Sis!

etc. You can make a real art form out of ripping the piss the whole time if you do it with lots of smiles she can’t get too angry without looking bad.

If she does get angry “Oh I’m sorry, is me treating you how you’ve treated me all this time annoying? Now you know how I feel…

etc.

Don’t explain, don’t back down