Son excluded from nieces party

[Briar250]

My brothers daughter was 6 last week and we come from a large family, there are lots of cousins - who were invited to the party. My daughter, who is 9 months old was Uninvited though as she was deemed too small to engage or interact and my brother felt that there were too many children attending the party anyway which she said costs a lot.

I can see where he’s coming from, but at no point did he even consider my baby. There were others slightly older than my girl and we could have helped out tbh.

aibu for being upset and disappointed

felt like he was trying to impress his and partners mates and put is last

40 kids and 80 parents? All out for a social? Wonder why parties get smaller?

I mean the OPs behaviour not the child... they've uninvited the child so that they don't have to deal with OP

Is your brother joking?? I can’t relate at all. You are his sister, that baby isn’t someone random, it’s his direct nephew. He should be treating him like his own son not some one he unfortunately has to pay for. Defo not being unreasonable.

I can see your point and disappointment, i have a big close knit family, when we have parties everyone gets invited regardless of age.

But if it was a party at somewhere for that age group i.e trampolining or something then is it really any point of you/baby attending? Not really much baby can do at a place like that, but i’d feel a bit hurt if it was a family garden party and wasn’t invited.

i’m sure in the future you may view this from his perspective when planning parties for your little one.

I think everyone is being a bit harsh tbh. It's not nice to be excluded, and as a new Mum, you're probably already feeling isolated as it is. Your brother is probably just being practical and thinks a 9month old won't get much out of a 6 year old's party (he'd be right). In his mind it might not be a big family gathering, just a kids' party - he likely hasn't thought that he'd be excluding you, because most adults would honestly rather not attend a kids' birthday party unless they have to. If it was a big family gathering I'd feel differently of course. It's a bit weird that they invited a 12-month-old though!

I don't think you're being totally unreasonable, I understand how you feel. But I don't think they have done anything wildly wrong either.

I don’t think your being unreasonable I’d be upset to be excluded from what I know when paying per head you don’t pay for infants so that’s no excuse and if it is a money thing I’d offer to pay for myself as you usually have to pay per adult too. My child has never been excluded from family events my nieces and nephews would expect to see their auntys at their party’s regardless of the age of their cousins I also think it’s good socialisation for the baby but maybe that’s just because both my family and my partners family’s are close so we always just invite everyone even those without children

I wouldn't invite a baby to a six-year-old's birthday party, tbh. I invited cousins etc. when they were really small (because the party isn't really for the baby!). Once they're at school and have their own friends, don't invite family any longer. Only babies invited are little brothers and sisters that can't be left at home.

It sounds like you are feeling a bit down and sensitive at the moment. If you are a large, close family, I'm sure there will be lots of other occasions to meet up. When your kid gets older they will have SO many birthday party invitations from their class mates you'll be sick of kids birthday parties! Enjoy the 'baby phase' while it lasts!

Hope this perspective helps!

Kids parties are different from family gatherings. It would be unreasonable to exclude you and your baby from a family party, but kids parties are normally about the kids' friends not family.

Babies under 1/non-mobile babies really only come to parties as add-ons/accessories to the parents, rather than as party guests in their own right. The convention at the childrens' parties I've attended so far with my older DC (aged 5) seems to be that breastfeeding and non-mobile babies are welcome when attending with an older sibling (so long as free and not counting towards the numbers) but when they're mobile and can be left for longer periods, most people seem to leave them with the other parent or family/a babysitter unless "siblings" are expressly welcome.

I think you might be confusing your niece's party with a family event, when it's actually for her friends? I've never known a 6yo to specifically invite a baby to their party tbh (as opposed to baby coming with another party guest) especially if it's an activity party.

Exactly OP seems confused about who the party is for.

At 1 year old (like her child apparently nearly is) you tend to only invite family as the party is actually all about mam not baby.

However by 6 year old (like niece apparently is) the party is entirely for 6 years olds friends. Adults only attend as begrudging chaperones and its no longer about grandparents and aunts and parents friends.

My siblings and DH siblings do not have kids, I have 3 kids... our siblings have never really been invited to (apart from first birthdays which they did not attend) or wanted to attend a kiddies birthday. If they had a kid this would still apply unless the kids where actually friends of my kid.

My own kids don't tend get invited to their own siblings birthdays. The younger 2 wouldn't be safe to do what oldest wants and oldest would find the younger kids parties embarrassing and dull (what 15 year old wants to sit for 2 hours in a soft play area or do the gangnam style at a disco with 5 year olds).

Plus when hosting, keeping a secondary eye on 30 kids, fielding questions from parents and sorting food etc... I don't have eyes in the back of my head and time to be running round after my toddler.

I don’t think there’s any point in trying to guess motives, I always find it best to assume good intent from people and never assume anything hurtful.

1. because if they did mean something hurtful it will become apparent in time as a pattern emerges
2. it is exhausting trying to second guess peoples motivations. I don’t want to live like that and I don’t like people pulling me into that thinking. I’m not going there. wether I’m right or wrong my life is less stressful than my friends who do this. Or they phone you up after a get together wondering if they said something wrong or if things didn’t come out the right way. Don’t feed that part of the brain. If you don’t feed it you don’t have to live in that always wondering state of mind.

This post really resonated with me. When my baby was 10 months old, my best friend also excluded me and my daughter from her 3 year olds bouncy castle type play party. I remember crying as felt left out and thought i cud have helped and my baby would have still liked to see all the kids.
I had an honest chat with her after the party and she was really upset to know how I felt. Luckily being my bestie she apologised.. even though she really did not have to. Which meant I apologised too for being silly n needy about it. But really wanted to be part of the celebrations.. so I understand completely how you feel. Though its probably not justified.. just natural