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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I Making The Right Decision?

99 replies

InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 22:35

Hi,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not an AIBU on a whole but I'm posting here as I'm not sure where else to put this that would cause the least amount of potential offence. I won't drip feed so I apologise in advance if this is lengthy.

I split up with my ex at the beginning of the year due to it being incredibly volatile. The last straw was when he pinned me against the wall of a pub by my neck and struck me because I had called a male family member to come and pick me up. After we broke up he has harassed me constantly with texts and calls, sits outside my door for hours, he broke into my home twice and has assaulted to of my friends in this time. The police have been involved but because he offers to pay for damage and to stop the harassment (it didnt).

Stupidly in February, before things got worse, I caved one night and let him in, i was then pressured into sleeping with and later found out I was pregnant.

I had an early dating scan to check where things were at and to see if it would help me make a decision. At the scan it was revealed that I was 6w 4d. And expecting twins!!!

I feel so blessed that there was 2 healthy babies there. I know its a rarity that may never happen to me again. But it also added to my turmoil that with the issues going on with ex that I'm not in a safe environment to bring one baby let alone 2 and I'd be trapped in this nightmare for the rest of my life if children were involved. I am financially stable and I work full time but reading the family court threads on here also worry me.

I have a consultation for a termination tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly torn but I feel its the only choice I have to keep myself safe. Also after a recent incident, police made me aware that ex had hacked into phone/emails and now knew I was pregnant which is why they think things are getting worse and have made immediate referrals for support.

Since that night in feb, I have not responded or engaged in any interaction with him and have logged everything with the police.

Am I making the right decision? Is the termination the only option i have? It would be nice to get some honest views and opinions.

OP posts:
TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 22:37

Do you want to have the babies?

CheersForThatEh · 16/04/2023 22:39

I think you need counselling X

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 16/04/2023 22:39

If everything apart from your ex is stable in your life (home, job, support network etc) and you want the babies, you should have them. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Tell him you don't think he's the father. If he wants to prove he is he can go through the courts. If your job permits it, I'd do a midnight flit and move somewhere far far away so be can't continue harassing you.

Original poster
InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 22:43

Everything in my life apart from the harassment issues is stable yes. I work full time, have savings, a 2 bedroom house, plenty of support etc. It's just the safety aspect that is very much pushing me towards the termination and the thought of being stuck in this with blood ties for the rest of my life 😔

If the situation was different then I would absolutely keep them without a second thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 22:48

CheersForThatEh · 16/04/2023 22:39

I think you need counselling X

I have been having counselling for this since early December, I'm paying for private weekly sessions and my work has recently referred me to a scheme in the firm that are supposed to be really good at offering support for multiple personal issues.

OP posts:
TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 22:49

It sounds like, even if you terminate he will still harrass you. You need to take steps to ensure your safety either way.
If you want your babies then have them

SoupedUpSue · 16/04/2023 22:52

I don’t know why people are so afraid to suggest abortion might be the right choice. Yes, if you have his babies you will be tied to him forever. He could well ask for a DNA test. He will have a hold over you forever. Contact arrangements, parenting decisions etc etc. You only need to read a few threads on here to see what it’s like parenting with an ex let alone an abusive or controlling ex. You’ll also have to explain to your children why you cut him out of their lives (if you are indeed able to do that) in a way which doesn’t scar them for life considering their DNA will be 50% his.

In your position I would absolutely terminate.

Elle200 · 16/04/2023 22:54

In your position, I'm afraid I would terminate the pregnancy. Having lived through one abusive relationship which led me to flee to the other end of the country, I could not take the risk of him escalating his behaviour. Good luck with whatever you decide.

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 22:55

SoupedUpSue... because OP sounds like she doesnt want to terminate.

Nevermind31 · 16/04/2023 22:56

How old are you? Is this your last chance to have a child? If you are not end 30s, I think I would terminate- he will continue to use the babies to control you, and you won’t be able to get away

lucylukes · 16/04/2023 22:56

Super hard and I’m so sorry this has happened to you but I too would terminate. You can still have a baby with someone else, or via a donor. You don’t want kids with an abuser.

Punkyspunky · 16/04/2023 23:03

This man will use your children to get at you. Their lives will be a misery. I couldn’t stand to bring a child into this man’s life. He is not normal. Grabbing you by the throat- in a public place and hitting you. Breaking into you phone and emails?
I feel so sorry for you- 2 little babies. Only way is to totally disappear, change countries, name, job everything.

FrumptyMumpty · 16/04/2023 23:04

I wouldn’t wish your circumstances into a child.

Don’t lose hope of finding a good man and having your family with him. That is what you deserve.

Tying yourself to this man with children that might be very much his likeness in looks and personality is insane.

My advice would be to get a job transfer to the opposite end of the country, cut all ties and don’t give your address to anyone for 3 years minimum. Do it tomorrow.

Original poster
InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 23:06

@Nevermind31 I'm 27, so no it's not my last chance. Your last sentence is everything that I'm afraid of and what's pushing the decision to terminate now. Im worried that this will just give him another reason/excuse to continue or escalate the risk further.

I think for some reason with it being twins I'm even more conflicted because on one hand I think this definitely has to be a sign of some sort and will likely never happen again. On the other hand i think the risk is just too much.

it's easy enough (to a degree) to keep myself safe and perhaps 1 child. But to have to protect all 3 of us from the huge risk he poses and added stress, paired with general parenting lows may just tip things over the edge at some point.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 16/04/2023 23:08

Tbh I'd let him think I'd terminated, and disappear to another part of the country.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2023 23:09

I wouldn't want anything to do with this man, no ties, zilch and I would terminate and move on, have babies with someone decent.

Showerpowerer · 16/04/2023 23:10

Go to the app and get all the information. No harm in getting to the cross roads before you chose.

Fully in support for a termination if that’s best for you.

Singlemum90 · 16/04/2023 23:17

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation op. I do believe in your circumstances a termination would be my choice. Navigating visitation etc with an ex is difficult enough, to possibly have to share custody with this man in the future- would you feel safe leaving 2 little ones with him? Because it's a very real possibility. You are young and will find someone who is not a risk to you to have a family with. But ultimately it's your decision. Sending hugs.

whynotwhatknot · 16/04/2023 23:18

i wouldnt want to bring kids in this mess

he will get contact and yu will have to deal with him for 18 years-hes an abuser do you want children to be involved with him

gettingoldisshit · 16/04/2023 23:22

SoupedUpSue · 16/04/2023 22:52

I don’t know why people are so afraid to suggest abortion might be the right choice. Yes, if you have his babies you will be tied to him forever. He could well ask for a DNA test. He will have a hold over you forever. Contact arrangements, parenting decisions etc etc. You only need to read a few threads on here to see what it’s like parenting with an ex let alone an abusive or controlling ex. You’ll also have to explain to your children why you cut him out of their lives (if you are indeed able to do that) in a way which doesn’t scar them for life considering their DNA will be 50% his.

In your position I would absolutely terminate.

This is spot on

Justgorgeous · 16/04/2023 23:24

He’s a dangerous man and will become a dangerous father. I would terminate in your position. Sorry you are going through this.

Shylo · 16/04/2023 23:37

Another voice agreeing that I would terminate the pregnancy if I were in your position - the potential for serious harm to you or any children in this situation is just too high. You would all be tied to him

Shakespeareandi · 16/04/2023 23:40

So sorry for your situation. He sounds really horrible and if things are escalating even at this stage.. If you go through with a termination I would say it was a natural miscarriage and hopefully he will go away for good soon. 27 is really young. You would be tied to him for the rest of your life.
Big hug to you.

exhusbandsaknob · 16/04/2023 23:41

Having tried to parent with an abusive ex I would definitely terminate. Sending you lots of strength and love. I have found love again since and in time I hope you will too. Don't let him win.

LittleRebelGirl · 16/04/2023 23:43

100% I would terminate in the position you have described. You're 27. Don't tie yourself to a shit show by having children with him. Plenty of time in the future for babies in a happy, stable and abuse free relationship.
The worst thing you could do for yourself and any future children is to be tied to this man.

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