Am I Making The Right Decision?

[InAStickySituation]

Hi,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not an AIBU on a whole but I'm posting here as I'm not sure where else to put this that would cause the least amount of potential offence. I won't drip feed so I apologise in advance if this is lengthy.

I split up with my ex at the beginning of the year due to it being incredibly volatile. The last straw was when he pinned me against the wall of a pub by my neck and struck me because I had called a male family member to come and pick me up. After we broke up he has harassed me constantly with texts and calls, sits outside my door for hours, he broke into my home twice and has assaulted to of my friends in this time. The police have been involved but because he offers to pay for damage and to stop the harassment (it didnt).

Stupidly in February, before things got worse, I caved one night and let him in, i was then pressured into sleeping with and later found out I was pregnant.

I had an early dating scan to check where things were at and to see if it would help me make a decision. At the scan it was revealed that I was 6w 4d. And expecting twins!!!

I feel so blessed that there was 2 healthy babies there. I know its a rarity that may never happen to me again. But it also added to my turmoil that with the issues going on with ex that I'm not in a safe environment to bring one baby let alone 2 and I'd be trapped in this nightmare for the rest of my life if children were involved. I am financially stable and I work full time but reading the family court threads on here also worry me.

I have a consultation for a termination tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly torn but I feel its the only choice I have to keep myself safe. Also after a recent incident, police made me aware that ex had hacked into phone/emails and now knew I was pregnant which is why they think things are getting worse and have made immediate referrals for support.

Since that night in feb, I have not responded or engaged in any interaction with him and have logged everything with the police.

Am I making the right decision? Is the termination the only option i have? It would be nice to get some honest views and opinions.

I feel for you op what an awful situation to be in. Realistically, would you be able to manage financially. You're working full time but would obviously have to take maternity leave, what's your works maternity pay policy. When you'd have to return to work what childcare options do you have. Paid childcare is expensive, and you'd have double. Your decision absolutely should not be based entirely on finances, but it is something you need to consider. You would be entitled to child maintenance, but you'd also probably have to deal with him pursuing contact and using that against you. It's a horrible position to be in, but you have to make the decision that's right for you x

I’m sorry to say that from experience (close people I know) it’s not even about what you can handle per se, but these abusive men then make the poor childrens’ lives a misery.

Thinking particularly of someone with two girls, the ex bullies the girls and no amount of court/CAFCASS is stopping it, and he has also taken out orders so the MH support needed as results of all his bullying - which has caused deep trauma and anxiety, is reported back to him as a parent with parental responsibility. Their mum can’t even take them for a week in Spain he kicks off and she’s just under his thumb for life.

It is sad but I hate the thought of you living under this man’s iron fist for life, and two innocent children. Literally unless you’re going to move to a jungle somewhere and never have contact, he will ruin your life.

No, I wouldn’t tie myself to my abuser for a minimum of 18 years, no.

To answer one question, no, termination isn’t the only option you have. You really don’t have to terminate if you don’t want to, but to answer your other question, yes, in these circumstances, in your shoes, I think I would.

Try to think about the practicalities of being a single parent to twins, plus potentially an abusive ex around trying to make life difficult. I think it would be extremely hard, and also very expensive. I know you are currently financially stable, but 2x FT nursery fees would cost ~£2500 per month until they’re 3, could you absorb that, or could you still pay your mortgage/bills if you had to go PT to avoid this cost? Do you have family nearby who could help when, for example, both babies and you are ill and have not slept all night?

Unless you have known fertility issues, I also think you should try to reframe your thinking that this might be your only chance. You’ve likely got 10 years before you’d be in that sort of territory, so try to take your thinking of “it’s this pregnancy or no babies ever” completely out of the equation, as I don’t think that’s helping you decide about this specific pregnancy.

You sound like a lovely person, if you want to go ahead with this pregnancy it’s absolutely your right to…but if you don’t, that’s also your right. And then you’d have the next decade to find someone worthy of you to have children with and share the experience (and cost!) of parenting in a loving, supportive relationship. Personally I’d choose the latter.

I don’t have any advice to offer but just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you are in this position and wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

On a practical level - My only advice would be to move away, completely disappear and set up a new life. But that would mean moving away from your whole support network and job and with twins that would be a nightmare. I know several couples with twins and I’ve seen how hard it is.
On a more general level - If you can avoid it I would want to cut any kind of ties with this ‘man’. If you have the babies you’ll always have a link.
Good luck with whatever you decide op. I really hope you find your way… 🤞

@InAStickySituation just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re having to make this decision in these circumstances. Ultimately strangers on the internet can’t tell you what is right for you but if I knew you IRL I’d be there for you every step of the way whatever you chose and I really hope there are people who can do that for you. (And I’ve never been in your situation so I can’t know what I’d do, but I’m pretty sure if I continued with the pregnancy I’d be doing everything in my power to make sure their biological father never had anything to do with them.)

💐This obviously isn’t easy for you.

Aww, you poor thing What a horrible decision to have to make. I really feel for you.
In your shoes, I would have the termination. Sorry But you stand considerably more chance of being able to extricate him from your life if you're on your own, rather than as the mother of his two children.
You would never get him off your back.
Good luck with your decision.

Finance wise... Our policy states that I would be entitled to SMP for 37 weeks. Which would likely mean we'd be comfortable but i'd potentially need to dipping into savings or claiming what little benefits I may be entitled to, to avoid struggling if the COL continues to rise whilst being out of work.

Childcare... Currently i have friends and family who would be reliable childcare options but if i was to continue the pregnancy it seems the only way to reduce the huge risk of ex would be to relocate like PP have said which would potentially mean id have no fall back to rely on for childcare and like you said would have to pay double the already extortionate rates as a sole option.

Plus that adds another question of, if i wasnt to relocate or go far then, would it also but my family at risk of him just by looking after the DC's.

Sounds like a truly awful situation. I had always wanted a baby and six years ago I had a termination. My bf at the time was abusive, and I felt like I had no choice, it was gut renching. It was like a mini bomb was set off in my life, I named it (aubrey), I loved it, I grieved. I remember not being able to speak the words to a therapist, I had to slip the doctors note out of my bag while sobbing.
Having said that, I am so relieved, it was the right choice for me. Now I am with my lovely DH and feel thankful I never have to talk to my abusive angry ex, ever again... I've heard through the grape vine he is just as awful now if not worse. It has been really hard, although I feel like I have healed, and to be honest I don't think about the abortion often, it doesn't make me sad anymore.

I am really sorry you are going through this op, only you know how you will feel/cope. In the years to come do you think you will feel relieved and excited to start a family with someone else? Or feel sadness and regret? Do you think your ex would hurt his children? Either well please find a professional to talk to

This might be completely daft idea but........does your ex know that you know he has been hacking your messages/emails? If not could you make up messages that make it appear as if the babies are someone else's if you want to keep them. (Before anybody shouts at how naive i am I had an ex who hacked my emails and totally terrified me but that would have made him leave me alone for complex reasons too lengthy for here).

No as far as I'm aware he doesn't know that I now know this information.

He has already broken into my home, assaulted 2 friends and assaulted myself for just calling for a lift off a male family member.

Whilst in theory thats a good idea, I think a false paper trail of another man being in the picture would 100% provoke him to react more rather than just back off and disappear 😔

@AspiringMermaid I'm so sorry that you've been in a similar situation but I'm so pleased you have found someone good after all the pain! It gives me so much hope that if (or most probably when) I make the painful decision that things can and will get better. So thank you ❤️

Also thank you to everyone else who has been so understanding and took the time to comment you've all given me alot to think about. I'm 100% convinced that my consultation in the morning is very necessary though.

Hugs OP. It sounds like a really shit situation but you have to look after yourself and think of your future self. I would not want to be tied to this man for life either.

I appreciate that it's a hard decision, but the level of threats, violence and harassment to date sound hard to contend with. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, even if he believes a story that the children aren't his, you have to contend with keeping them safe as well as yourself - and if he doesn't, as others have said, that leaves him with a hook into your life for the next 18 years.
I think you've made the right decision in making the appointment, do attend.
Have you spoken to the counsellor that you've been seeing about the pregnancy and this decision?56

This man will define your life and is likely to make both your and his children's life a misery.
I think you are making the correct decision.

sorry about the "56" - cat jumped on laptop as I pressed 'post'

Hi OP. I wanted to first say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know this won’t be an easy decision for you to make.
My ex was also abusive and when I fell pregnant the abuse escalated. He also hacked into my emails and social media and was generally terrifying. In the end I had to go into a woman’s shelter when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Whilst there I legally changed my name to something completely different and eventually moved to another part of the country a month before giving birth. He was not put on the birth certificate. That was almost 10 years ago now. For all intents and purposes I disappeared. It took me a few years before I started to feel ‘safe’ and even now I look out for him when I’m in public ‘just in case’. Despite all this, having my daughter was and always will be the best thing in the world. Yes she resembles him and has some of his mannerisms but honestly I wouldn’t change one single thing about her, to me she’s perfect.
Whatever you decide OP, you have a long and difficult road ahead of you but I wish you all the best 😘

You are risking a life of continuous control and coercion. He will not leave you or them alone. He will not contribute to their financial support, so you will have years of poverty. It is so sad that you are in this situation but termination is the only option if you are to be able to have a happy life. With him in your life you face violence, abuse & poverty.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

In your position I would 100% terminate. I would not want to bring children into a situation like this.

So your allowing an ex abusive partner to control your life and the life of those innocent babies you made. No way would I terminate they didn't ask to be made and having twins ourselves and the joy we get never ever could I terminate..Before this marriage I was in an abusive violent from ex marriage. I found I was pregnant first time and no way did I consider a termination. I left, courts banned father from seeing baby from a month old, we moved 200 miles and now he is 14 and one of my pride and joys with my other 3 now.

Honestly I would have a termination myself. Of course you can have more babies. Would you want to be stuck connected to this horror for the rest of your life also running the risk of him being abusive ti your children ?

OP I am really sorry about your situation. Have you registered with your midwife unit at your local hospital? Usually you have a midwife appointment quite early on and they do ask questions about your situation with father / abusive relationship. You could talk it through with them as I am sure they’d have seen a lot of different scenarios.

Only you are going to be able to make the decision on what is best for you. There are many many factors to consider both ways.

Just wanted to add there are a couple of posts about the cost of childcare that are incorrect and don’t take into consideration that recent changes on childcare and free hours. OP appreciate this is probs only small point of consideration at the moment but the amount of free hours is expected to increase from 9 months of age next year so childcare finance should be slightly cheaper. Have a google if this is a big consideration.

I wouldn't have children with this man . You will never be free and god knows what kind of bile he'll feed them on visiting rights

In your position I would do one of two things:
Either terminate
Or tell him I had terminated and secretly move 100s of miles away to a location that he wouldn’t be able to guess and which I would keep confidential from everyone and start over without him in my life.