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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I Making The Right Decision?

99 replies

InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 22:35

Hi,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not an AIBU on a whole but I'm posting here as I'm not sure where else to put this that would cause the least amount of potential offence. I won't drip feed so I apologise in advance if this is lengthy.

I split up with my ex at the beginning of the year due to it being incredibly volatile. The last straw was when he pinned me against the wall of a pub by my neck and struck me because I had called a male family member to come and pick me up. After we broke up he has harassed me constantly with texts and calls, sits outside my door for hours, he broke into my home twice and has assaulted to of my friends in this time. The police have been involved but because he offers to pay for damage and to stop the harassment (it didnt).

Stupidly in February, before things got worse, I caved one night and let him in, i was then pressured into sleeping with and later found out I was pregnant.

I had an early dating scan to check where things were at and to see if it would help me make a decision. At the scan it was revealed that I was 6w 4d. And expecting twins!!!

I feel so blessed that there was 2 healthy babies there. I know its a rarity that may never happen to me again. But it also added to my turmoil that with the issues going on with ex that I'm not in a safe environment to bring one baby let alone 2 and I'd be trapped in this nightmare for the rest of my life if children were involved. I am financially stable and I work full time but reading the family court threads on here also worry me.

I have a consultation for a termination tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly torn but I feel its the only choice I have to keep myself safe. Also after a recent incident, police made me aware that ex had hacked into phone/emails and now knew I was pregnant which is why they think things are getting worse and have made immediate referrals for support.

Since that night in feb, I have not responded or engaged in any interaction with him and have logged everything with the police.

Am I making the right decision? Is the termination the only option i have? It would be nice to get some honest views and opinions.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 17/04/2023 05:38

Murdoch1949 · 17/04/2023 01:17

You are risking a life of continuous control and coercion. He will not leave you or them alone. He will not contribute to their financial support, so you will have years of poverty. It is so sad that you are in this situation but termination is the only option if you are to be able to have a happy life. With him in your life you face violence, abuse & poverty.

OP Murdoch is absolutely correct here.

Being a single parent to even one child is hard, relentless and damages your health. To parent two in your circumstances will possibly destroy you. If you have the means to avoid this fate you should grab it with both hands.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 05:52

What a dilemma, OP. I think above all your safety is paramount, and you are just not safe right now. Do what will you safe from him.

What are the police actually doing about him? Have they arrested him, has he been charged with stalking?

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 06:13

Keep your precious babies, escalate things with the Police ten-fold, demand a harassment order. Given the catalogue of events, I think you'll be able to get one. I managed for much less.

if you've savings, consult a solicitor for an injunction or similar.

Wallywobbles · 17/04/2023 06:18

I split with ex when my kids were 2&3. It took 9 years for him to loose parental rights. It could only happen when the kids were old enough to see a judge themselves aged 8&9. Even then it took another 3 years. It's a very tough journey. Always terrified when the kids were with him.

We were in court 5 times. He tried to have them put into care. Luckily I could afford to choose to have no money from him because it'd have been another stick to beat me with. Endless ranting drunk phone calls.

He tried to force us out of my house.

The kids were always so stressed. It was miserable for them. Verbally agressive. Mental manipulation. He will overshadow your entire life.

You are 27. In your shoes knowing what you do, I'd terminate. Sorry.

YeahOkWhatever · 17/04/2023 06:33

I am so sorry you are in this situation. This man is dangerous and his behaviour will only escalate (to your potential murder). I would not want to be tied to him in any way so if I were you, I'd opt to terminate . It also sounds as if the conception sex may not have been consensual.

You'll see other people on here discussing family courts and how their processes can ultimately faciltate the abuser. You are young and can have another chance to have a family. I wouldn't do this to myself or my children if had the option.

Also, I would change phone number and move if possible as I'm very concerned for your safety right now. I'd also consider applying for restraining order/interdict with power of arrest as this guy will not stop.

I wish you all the very best with this awful situation.

OkImListening · 17/04/2023 07:41

hattie43 · 17/04/2023 05:15

I wouldn't have children with this man . You will never be free and god knows what kind of bile he'll feed them on visiting rights

This, very sadly.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/04/2023 07:47

I'm wishing you strength this morning. I'm another one though who could not go through with this pregnancy. This awful man would be tied to you for life. At your age, I would seriously consider going to work abroad for a few years. 💐

Feelinglow27 · 17/04/2023 07:56

Imagine leaving your precious kids with him for days and not knowing what grew was doing to them. That's the reality of what might happen here. I know what I would do.

Feelinglow27 · 17/04/2023 07:57

But sending strength whatever your decision. Get some support for yourself x

changerlot712 · 17/04/2023 08:00

You can keep them if you want. Just don't tell him they're his - or tell anyone else. Say a one night stand or something. And don't name him on the birth certificate.

SomePosters · 17/04/2023 08:09

Best of luck op, I know this feels like an awful thing to have to do if a part of you wants those babies but I think your head has got this right.

They will be weaponised. He will use them and the family courts to make your life miserable as he has already shown he can and will. They don’t deserve him for a father

AbsoIutelyLovely · 17/04/2023 08:15

You will never be free if him if you have them.

If you go ahead: you must not put his name on the north certificate so that he can’t have any rights

MsMcGonagall · 17/04/2023 08:23

I would have an abortion OP. Lots of hugs to you as its a horrible situation. You will get through this. Know that your hormones will be putting you through hell and be kind to yourself.

mangosaregreat · 17/04/2023 09:10

What a pickle you are in, you sound like me 16 years ago but there was only one baby. I kept the baby and on no way do I regret having them but if I didn't my life would have been a lot easier. My ex was controlling like yours. When dc was born he didn't want anything to do with him, left everything to me. When he realises this didn't bother me (I was happy to do it on my own) he changed. He wanted dc, however this was just again to control. I new he couldn't be trusted so made him go to a contact centre to have a little bit of time before he was left alone with dc. It was going through court and cos the contact centre said he was 'behaving' (as anyone can for a few hours once a month) the count let him have dc on his own. Dc was then forever a changed child. The control contained, but as I refused to let him have my number and only gave my dh's number her carried on through him. My dc is now older and has their own phone so ex can message whenever he wants and say what ever he wants. He also does have dc for a week at a time over school holidays. During this time ex can say and do what he wants to dc, and this does involve stuff about me and dh. Even though we are the ones raising dc and giving them a loving stable home environment that ex doesn't care about. Unfortunately my dc is a forever changed child and I get children need relationships with both parents but sometimes it isn't for the best.

Think very long and hard, if you want to keep the babies DONT tell him, keep him OFF the birth certificate.
If you don't have an abortion it's absolutely fine, an abortion isn't the end of the world. You can go on to have other children, if you choose to.

londonrach · 17/04/2023 09:13

He always be in your life so yes I would terminate so you are safe and free. But it's your choice. Do you want the babies

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 09:15

If you really want the babies, have them.

But in your situation I would definitely have a termination.

Malarandras · 17/04/2023 09:17

Please don’t let what strangers on the internet think influence your decision. Get counselling and support and make sure the decision is absolutely and completely yours. Best of luck.

BridieConvert · 17/04/2023 09:22

If I was in your situation I would absolutely terminate.
I had an abusive father and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I wouldn't want any ties to this man at all.

HappiestSleeping · 17/04/2023 10:26

Nevermind31 · 16/04/2023 22:56

How old are you? Is this your last chance to have a child? If you are not end 30s, I think I would terminate- he will continue to use the babies to control you, and you won’t be able to get away

This 👆

If you have the babies, you will be forever linked to this man.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2023 10:30

I think the only way you could continue with pregnancy would be to disappear and leave everything behind. I don't think I could do that so I would terminate.

Rafferty10 · 17/04/2023 10:44

As others have said you have two difficult choices.

I would either terminate or if l could not face that or live with it, l would feed him the information l was miscarrying, and do it very thoroughly. Followed by info that l was going travelling for a while to get over the loss.
Then relocate to another country.
Only you know what you want.
However there is no half measure. Its all or nothing.

Last thought, he will never leave you alone anyway unless you move. I was stalked by an ex 20 years ago and was dumbfounded by his persistance, nothing would stop him so l 'disappeared' until he relocated overseas.

I still don't have a social media presence because of him.

Personally l couldn't terminate in your shoes, (but realise l am probably unusual in that), and would be prepared to relocate, but there is no right or wrong.
Get the counselling and do whatever is right for you..l wish you all the luck in the world op and may a horrible accident befall your ex.

Timeforchangeithink · 17/04/2023 10:47

I would terminate for a lot of reasons in your situation, sorry.

MsCunk · 17/04/2023 10:59

Im so sorry youve been subjected to such awful behaviour, OP. It isnt fair, and yoy deserve better.

Do you think he will be violent towards family members who look after the children?

Going through with this pregnancy might put your loved ones at risk, or they may stop looking after the children to protect themselves. So you'll be on your own, within his reach, if you stay near your support network. If you leave, you'll be on your own, without a support network at all, but do you think you'd ever feel truly safe?

I can't think of any peaceful outcome in whatever scenario that's been described.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/04/2023 11:04

Hi OP

Before you make a decision I'd read some of the family court threads and see how abusive men use the courts to continue the control.

If you're staying in the UK then I'd consider terminating. Sorry.

SnapchatJustForTheFilters · 17/04/2023 11:07

SoupedUpSue · 16/04/2023 22:52

I don’t know why people are so afraid to suggest abortion might be the right choice. Yes, if you have his babies you will be tied to him forever. He could well ask for a DNA test. He will have a hold over you forever. Contact arrangements, parenting decisions etc etc. You only need to read a few threads on here to see what it’s like parenting with an ex let alone an abusive or controlling ex. You’ll also have to explain to your children why you cut him out of their lives (if you are indeed able to do that) in a way which doesn’t scar them for life considering their DNA will be 50% his.

In your position I would absolutely terminate.

Agree. If you were 40, maybe my response would be different. But you have LOADS of time for babies and the chance to have them with the right partner.

I would terminate in your shoes (but equally I wouldn't judge you for deciding to keep them).

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