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Original poster

Am I Making The Right Decision?

99 replies

InAStickySituation · 16/04/2023 22:35

Hi,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not an AIBU on a whole but I'm posting here as I'm not sure where else to put this that would cause the least amount of potential offence. I won't drip feed so I apologise in advance if this is lengthy.

I split up with my ex at the beginning of the year due to it being incredibly volatile. The last straw was when he pinned me against the wall of a pub by my neck and struck me because I had called a male family member to come and pick me up. After we broke up he has harassed me constantly with texts and calls, sits outside my door for hours, he broke into my home twice and has assaulted to of my friends in this time. The police have been involved but because he offers to pay for damage and to stop the harassment (it didnt).

Stupidly in February, before things got worse, I caved one night and let him in, i was then pressured into sleeping with and later found out I was pregnant.

I had an early dating scan to check where things were at and to see if it would help me make a decision. At the scan it was revealed that I was 6w 4d. And expecting twins!!!

I feel so blessed that there was 2 healthy babies there. I know its a rarity that may never happen to me again. But it also added to my turmoil that with the issues going on with ex that I'm not in a safe environment to bring one baby let alone 2 and I'd be trapped in this nightmare for the rest of my life if children were involved. I am financially stable and I work full time but reading the family court threads on here also worry me.

I have a consultation for a termination tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly torn but I feel its the only choice I have to keep myself safe. Also after a recent incident, police made me aware that ex had hacked into phone/emails and now knew I was pregnant which is why they think things are getting worse and have made immediate referrals for support.

Since that night in feb, I have not responded or engaged in any interaction with him and have logged everything with the police.

Am I making the right decision? Is the termination the only option i have? It would be nice to get some honest views and opinions.

OP posts:
SnapchatJustForTheFilters · 17/04/2023 11:11

A violent controlling man will also be a violent controlling father. Lots of people talking about 'tell him you miscarried' are bonkers - one day your kids grow up, go find dad who cries and tells them you said they were never born and the next minute YOU are the bad parent. Equally he could find out and then you have to leave your kids with a violent man.

CJsGoldfish · 17/04/2023 11:30

I'd have an abortion rather than tie myself FOREVER to someone like that. You will have no chance at ever escaping him if you have these babies.
Then it is not only about your safety.

joelmillersbackpack · 17/04/2023 15:07

He sounds like an exceptionally dangerous man. Have an abortion and run for the hills.

Its not just you being tied to him, it’s your children who will undoubtedly be harmed by having a violent abusive father. It’s a kindness to spare a child that. Can you imagine having to hand over a non verbal infant into his care? What would he do to them to get at you?

Also having two will put you in poverty for decades. It’s not the mat leave, it’s the childcare, the after school clubs. You’d likely have to move anyway from any support. Please don’t do that to yourself, you have a chance at a bright and loving future without this man in your life.

SpringHasSprungAtLast · 17/04/2023 15:52

I absolutely wouldn't terminate the twins. It's not their fault their biological father is abusive and their Mum is everything a mother should be, and who they deserve.

You don't know if you will meet another abusive relationship down the road - I hope not but what of those who do? You can't escape problems with abusers in life but you can learn how to deal with them and protect yourself. You'll be teaching them these skills in life anyway, if not to deal with him then someone else because that is just how life is.

The great thing about single abusers is they find new fodder and dump you. It's when you stay with them and they stay single that it's harder.

My ex is bad enough for our DC to vote with their feet to the point that court took note and restricted contact somewhat, for their well-being. I would never have terminated them over it though.

Original poster
InAStickySituation · 17/04/2023 17:50

Thank you everyone for all the responses and opinions, as well as those who have took the time to share their experience in a similar situation. I have just been informed by my grandad that he is spreading the news of the pregnancy all around the local pubs today with his 18 yo daughter. Acting like father of the year 🙄

I had my consultation this morning and went into detail about the reasons behind my decision. The midwife too said that she thought this would sadly be the best option in the situation I am in. The treatment will be done at home so I'm going to take the next few days to go over all the pros and cons that have been mentioned to make sure I am 100% certain that I will go through with it.

They've offered counselling if I need it afterwards and I'm also going to mention it in my therapy session tomorrow so I have all the relevant support if I need it.

OP posts:
MsCunk · 17/04/2023 17:52

Hugs, OP. 😔

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 18:11

Oh OP,

How simply dreadful.

He is an unhinged thug and your life is clearly in danger.

I sincerely believe that going forth with this pregnancy would be a life sentence for you and your children and you would never be safe.

You are so young and have so much living to do.

If you were my daughter I would want you to be safe.

Do not mentioning to ANYONE about the termination which could set him off.

I would advise you to pass this off as an unfortunate miscarriage.

I am so sorry.

Stay safe.

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 18:13

You've a few days to think about it but a lifetime to regret this.

You're never going to realistically regret having your babies, regardless how hard it might be at times.

It doesn't sound that you are against having those babies - you are worried about the tie to him, and without parental rights as per birth certificate or court, he won't have them or have a say. Keep a diary of his behaviour, IF he ever were to go to court, they're likely to request police logs and it will all tell the story itself.

People regret the children they didn't have, never the children then have

whumpthereitis · 17/04/2023 18:23

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 18:13

You've a few days to think about it but a lifetime to regret this.

You're never going to realistically regret having your babies, regardless how hard it might be at times.

It doesn't sound that you are against having those babies - you are worried about the tie to him, and without parental rights as per birth certificate or court, he won't have them or have a say. Keep a diary of his behaviour, IF he ever were to go to court, they're likely to request police logs and it will all tell the story itself.

People regret the children they didn't have, never the children then have

Sorry, but that’s bollocks. Plenty of people regret having children, sadly. There’s a whole subreddit for regretful parents, for one reference

OP - I believe you’re making the right decision. It’s all well and good saying ‘he’ll lose interest’ - except what if he doesn’t? Because someone who wants to control you will absolutely use your children against you. it’s all well and good saying don’t put him on the birth certificate, but an man like that won’t hesitate to go to court in the name of ‘his rights’. Also, consider their interest in him.

Don’t tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life.

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 18:37

I can absolutely imagine a woman bitterly regretting their decision to go forward with a pregnancy that has left her a target for a headcase.

Having to move far away from family, friends and supporters just to keep her and her children safe from unhinged scum.

Forever looking over her shoulder.

Having to warn any future partner that her Ex is a lunatic that has assaulted her multiple times and all his other crimes.

I can well imagine a woman regretting that decision when she is living it every single day.

This will be an early termination, which is undoubtedly the best kind.

I wholeheartedly, unapologetically, put the life of the OP ahead of this early pregnancy.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 17/04/2023 18:50

I'm sorry you're in the awful situation
My ex wasnt half as bad as yours but I sometimes wish I'd never told him I was pregnant and terminated because having to deal with him all these years has ruined me.
I'm not the person I was and he's made me suffer for 10 years.
If I could go back I'd terminate

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 18:59

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 17/04/2023 18:50

I'm sorry you're in the awful situation
My ex wasnt half as bad as yours but I sometimes wish I'd never told him I was pregnant and terminated because having to deal with him all these years has ruined me.
I'm not the person I was and he's made me suffer for 10 years.
If I could go back I'd terminate

I'm so sorry, but I could well imagine it.

People can tell you they will support you forever and will always be there for you.

However, the truth is that when an unhinged lunatic is involved, they won't be long exiting the picture when their own safety is at risk.

Bastards like him will try an scare and isolate you from your family by causing chaos for you.

People will put their own safety first and that of their family.

18 years, at tge very least, is a long time to have a threat over you.

Scum like him can be very single minded in using the law and courts to ensure you never have a moments peace.

I'm so sorry OP, but you do not want to live the rest of your life in the shadow of this awful thug.

HarrietStyles · 17/04/2023 19:09

The only circumstance I would keep the babies is if I moved house far far away, made sure that he couldn’t ever find out where I was.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2023 19:09

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 18:13

You've a few days to think about it but a lifetime to regret this.

You're never going to realistically regret having your babies, regardless how hard it might be at times.

It doesn't sound that you are against having those babies - you are worried about the tie to him, and without parental rights as per birth certificate or court, he won't have them or have a say. Keep a diary of his behaviour, IF he ever were to go to court, they're likely to request police logs and it will all tell the story itself.

People regret the children they didn't have, never the children then have

That is absolutely terrible advice.

The OP is in an untenable position. Her only chance of safety will be to take the babies and run and be far away from family, friends, work and all she knows.

He is unhinged. He will never leave her alone whilst she's bringing up 'his' children.

I feel terribly for her, but having those children will mean a lifetime of misery for everyone

YeahOkWhatever · 17/04/2023 20:12

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 18:13

You've a few days to think about it but a lifetime to regret this.

You're never going to realistically regret having your babies, regardless how hard it might be at times.

It doesn't sound that you are against having those babies - you are worried about the tie to him, and without parental rights as per birth certificate or court, he won't have them or have a say. Keep a diary of his behaviour, IF he ever were to go to court, they're likely to request police logs and it will all tell the story itself.

People regret the children they didn't have, never the children then have

Your last sentence has no viable evidence whatsoever other than basing it on your own view. I'm not sure your advice has the OPs or indeed any children's best interests at heart.

YeahOkWhatever · 17/04/2023 20:15

A big virtual hug, OP. I hope you can feel some resolution whatever you decide. As I've already said, I think what you are opting to do is for the best for you. You need to think you before anyone. X

mischlerischler · 17/04/2023 21:41

tweedledee12 · 17/04/2023 18:13

You've a few days to think about it but a lifetime to regret this.

You're never going to realistically regret having your babies, regardless how hard it might be at times.

It doesn't sound that you are against having those babies - you are worried about the tie to him, and without parental rights as per birth certificate or court, he won't have them or have a say. Keep a diary of his behaviour, IF he ever were to go to court, they're likely to request police logs and it will all tell the story itself.

People regret the children they didn't have, never the children then have

This is a terrible advice.

Even if she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he can go through courts and get access.

Even if she keeps logs, it doesn't guarantee he will have no access to her kids.

MadeForThis · 17/04/2023 22:15

Is he a father to a 18yo already? What is he like as a father to her? Does he bother?

He has probably been abusive in previous relationships. Does he move on to the next victim and forget the last?

He sounds terrifying. I wouldn't want to be tied to him for evermore. But if I thought he might lose interest and move on it might be worth it.

MadeForThis · 17/04/2023 22:15

Only you know the risks.

Adarajames · 17/04/2023 22:20

There was a recent thread op by a poster who was pregnant with an abusive trying to be-ex as he wasn’t letting her go. She fled the country before giving birth as she was at such high risk, as was her baby. She however had the right and passport and family to return to on the other side of the world.

If you have this option, then I’d say run and keep the foetus if that’s what you wanted, and you’d hopefully have 2 healthy children and a happy future. Without that option, you and any children born would be at life long risk from this violent animal.

I hope you can go through the difficult decision and have an ongoing peace and safety with a future that is free of this animal

Slidingdowntherainbow · 17/04/2023 22:25

From a twin mum, it's bloody hard work with a supportive partner, let alone an abusive ex.

My honest advice is to terminate and work on getting peace back into your life. Having kids with this man will be a huge mistake.

Original poster
InAStickySituation · 17/04/2023 22:29

MadeForThis · 17/04/2023 22:15

Is he a father to a 18yo already? What is he like as a father to her? Does he bother?

He has probably been abusive in previous relationships. Does he move on to the next victim and forget the last?

He sounds terrifying. I wouldn't want to be tied to him for evermore. But if I thought he might lose interest and move on it might be worth it.

Their relationship is odd to say the least, from what I gathered and heard through the grapevine there was alot of police and SS involvement in her upbringing. He's has minimal physical contact with her and only seems to interact with her through social media or meet her in the pub.

but weirdly he is still highly involved in her mothers life, knows who she's dating, when she's been out, constantly references her and compares me to her by calling me her "double". It's unclear if the involvement is mutual or a 2 way thing, or something else all together. I recently found out after alot of digging from a service worker that he had actually been in prison for 3 years for attacking this said ex.

Funnily enough after broadcasting the pregnancy news to the whole local pub and my grandad, he sent me a message from a new number to say all 3 of them had sat his family down to break the news... surely that's a joke right? 🤣

OP posts:
Benandjs · 17/04/2023 22:43

Name changed for this but I was in the same situation 20 years ago (as a young parent) so have first hand experience. I’ll start with something I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but if you go through with the pregnancy, don’t put his name on the birth certificate. I did that and it was a problem much later on, in my case he had tried to kidnap them and prove he was the father due to having his name, which made it easier. don’t let him around your impressionable children. Our child got to see him through a contact centre at first and our child was young but started copying him and didn’t grow out of it until they were older and had been away from him for years.
Make sure you take action against him now for the domestic abuse, including filing a police report for the assault, it sounds scary and you may not want to because of the seriousness and the consequences, but it is easier and less stressful for you and harder for him if he decides to start a custody battle, and you’ll never forgive yourself if he gets access to abuse your beloved twins too.

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/04/2023 22:48

He's already staking his claim on you because of the pregnancy. He sounds dangerous op. Please report the latest message and speak to women's aid. The police should be taking this seriously.

I would abort. At 27 you are young enough to have babies with a decent man.

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