Going to have to accept his porn use

[KittyCakes]

My husband has watched porn since he was a teenager and it emerged that his use of it was more of an addiction about 4 years ago. We've been together 5 and a half years and I knew nothing of it at first. We have two young children, one of them with SEN. Leaving him is not an option, I don't want to, because I would never cope as a single mum and he is a good dad.

However despite therapy for porn addiction a couple of years back, he just can't drop it. He repeatedly lies about it to me, saying that he's doing better, then it transpires that he's not. This has happened so many times. I'm now at the point where I'm just going to assume that he's always going to watch it and he has zero control over being able to stop. He's shown that. It's actually the lying about it which saddens me the most. This afternoon I angrily told him to watch porn whenever he wants because that way I can't be hurt by lies as I will just have to accept that's what he's doing. He says he want to change but I don't think he can or will. For what it's worth, I hate the porn industry. To me, it's totally deprave.

Has anyone else just had to accept that porn will always have a hold over their other half?

Of course he has control over it. And no, I would never accept this.

But fighting it and wanting him to change has got me nowhere. He's so weak.

Leaving him is not an option, I don't want to, because I would never cope as a single mum

This isn’t necessarily true. It’s a thing you’ve told yourself that you’ve assimilated into believing is fact but it isn’t fact.

It might be really fucking hard, it might be horrible, it might be brutal. But you could do it if you had to. You’d just have to make a plan.

I couldn’t live with it. I would never be able to tolerate a partner using porn. So firstly - your feelings matter. You don’t need to tolerate it.

However. Addictions.

I am aware myself of how I can get addictive habits and they are really hard to kick. I really don’t think I have been able to kick any habit when anyone has made me feel bad for it.

The only thing that worked, was my ex getting me to give up smoking (I started again later but stopped of my own accord), and the way he did it was to sort of treat me almost with pity, like I was letting myself down, not berating me though. I think it would be really hard to do the same around a partner’s porn habit, because they are betraying you, cheapening intimacy you will feel hurt and emotional in a way you wouldn’t be about smoking.

But that’s all I can suggest. Picture him as trapped, his life and happiness shrunken by his own choices. He hasn’t any freedom or peace of mind. He’s let himself down. If you can see it that way, you may be able to take an approach where he’ll accept your help to get him over it and set him free.

@JuneShitfield but I have so many other problems in my life. I need support. I have anxiety, ocd and adhd which I'm on meds for and getting therapy. I don't have much family or friends. I have more financial security than he does so that's not a problem. Our son's SEN are so incredibly hard at times.

If he really wants to change, he could apply something like a parental block to his and the home internet, which should block access to porn sites. He could seek addiction therapy. He could seek to stop his use by first restricting it down before stopping altogether.

The fact that he doesn't tell you that he doesn't strongly want to. He's fine supporting an industry which you rightly consider awful and depraved.

He gets off on rape, abuse and humiliation of women and girls. He is not a good dad or husband. How do you even know the severity of the porn he is watching. People often need a bigger high to satisfy them. Is he watching violent porn, animals, children etc he could well escalate to this, if he hasn’t already.
he sounds like he makes you miserable and you may find you are happier without him. I am also hazarding a guess here that it is you that does all the parenting and everything else while he is a third child.
I would advise getting your ducks in a row and leaving op. You deserve so much better and so do your little ones.

You have young children, why would you want them living with a man who sees women as things to be abused? You know that whatever he says, that is how he sees women, including you. He knows he doesn’t have to change because you won’t go. He is choosing to watch porn, no one is forcing him.

How often is he watching it? Is it an actual addiction in the sense that he's at it constantly, or have you framed it as an addiction and he's agreed because it gets him off the hook?

The thing about addictions, is even when you aren’t doing it, you are thinking about doing it. Like - “I’ll just do xyz and pop out for a ciggie” - it’s there in your mind all the time. You don’t have mental freedom.

How are we definite addiction here? Is he spending money? Neglecting other duties because of it? Or is it that you simply don’t like him viewing porn? All are valid reasons to leave but if you truly feel like you want to stay in this relationship then actually figuring out what you can / can’t live with will be key. Where’s your line?

also, he knows your feelings on the matter are meaningless if he also knows you’ll never leave him. You CAN do it alone, no matter how impossible it feels, but you have to stick to it and actually start the process of leaving. He’s taking complete advantage of you if he knows this is your absolute fine line and continues doing it.

I guess I meant is he actually addicted or is he watching it a bit and the OP frames that as an addiction?

You can't, and shouldn't, control other people.

Your views on porn are yours - and again, you can't, and shouldn't, force other people to follow your views.

So here you are. You won't leave. You can't make him change. The only thing you can control is you - If you won't leave then perhaps you need to change your views or accept that your views are not aligned with his.

Right. I find it hard to imagine someone wanting to carrying on using porn, it’s so grim.

No self -respect.

You don't have to accept it.

You are choosing to because you think it will make for an easier life.

I'm a woman and watch it. When you say he's addicted how so? I watch it a few times a month, I know my DH does if he wants 'alone time' , however this isn't an addiction. Just curious to know how your situation is...

At it's worst, dh said it was once a day maybe twice sometimes. This was several years ago. Since then I think he has made progress but then he also lies until it blows up like it has this weekend and he confesses. If he is telling me the truth and things have improved, he says he looks at porn once a week or every other week. Sometimes he's gone for a few weeks.

This is not an addiction. Believe me, it could be so much worse.

the issue here is that you inherently disagree with porn use. Framing it as addiction isn’t quite right or fair to your husband. So, again, if you can’t put up with him (or any man) viewing porn then you need to leave because it’s clearly something he intends to view regardless. Leave, or accept that he watches it.

What sort of porn is he watching? Is it affecting his behaviour? Overly sexed/aggressive/violent/abusive?

He knows you have no intention of leaving him, so he knows you have to accept it, and so he’s not going to bother stopping.

Twice every day I'd say is an addiction but only a couple of times a week I think isn't too bad. If you aren't willing to accept it you will always resent him and it will get you down. If it doesn't affect your every day life and you have a healthy sex life then I think there's no addiction.
All men do it, they used to use magazines and videos but nowadays it's so much easier as everything is available on line. But my point is men are visual and use it as an aid.

You two have a weird dynamic going on.

Perhaps he actually enjoys the whole 'shame' thing of telling you, then you get all strict and disappointed in him, for his 'lying' etc.

That might be his real kink. Enjoy.

All men don’t do it.

Ok keep telling yourself that.

You keep telling yourself they do. It’ll make you feel better.