Going to have to accept his porn use

[KittyCakes]

My husband has watched porn since he was a teenager and it emerged that his use of it was more of an addiction about 4 years ago. We've been together 5 and a half years and I knew nothing of it at first. We have two young children, one of them with SEN. Leaving him is not an option, I don't want to, because I would never cope as a single mum and he is a good dad.

However despite therapy for porn addiction a couple of years back, he just can't drop it. He repeatedly lies about it to me, saying that he's doing better, then it transpires that he's not. This has happened so many times. I'm now at the point where I'm just going to assume that he's always going to watch it and he has zero control over being able to stop. He's shown that. It's actually the lying about it which saddens me the most. This afternoon I angrily told him to watch porn whenever he wants because that way I can't be hurt by lies as I will just have to accept that's what he's doing. He says he want to change but I don't think he can or will. For what it's worth, I hate the porn industry. To me, it's totally deprave.

Has anyone else just had to accept that porn will always have a hold over their other half?

Leave him.

He is a weak man with a disgusting addiction.

That's not a decent life partner or someone you want as a role model for your kids.

You will be better off on your own.

Don't call me ignorant, OK? Don't tell me I'm stupid. How f*ing dare you.

With the invent of social media, mobile phones, laptops etc, it's hard to get away from porn in one way or another. If you think and person (not just men), even out of curiosity, have not clicked on a picture or video?
Look how huge Pornhub is, OnlyFans? Are all these people getting all those clicks, views and subscriptions from monks and nuns who wouldnt dare watch? Half these people on Onlyfans are celebrities getting their tits out. Is that not counted as porn because they've not been trafficked at age 15 from some third world country snd made to 'perform'.
'Mainstream' films and SM accounts are full of naked people, reality TV is full of half naked people parading around, then seen humping under covers. Geordie Shore and the like was purely just young people going out on the lash fucking each other and constantly talking about it very crudely
Porn comes in many forms, not just the stuff people watch in private for a quick wank
And for clarification, do not ever insult me again. In fact, don't interact with me ever again

I would agree with the people who say the frequency he uses porn suggests it’s not an addiction and is more something he chooses.

Fair comment, and I suppose my intention here is to really help OP to identify what it is she’s taking issue with, and where her limits are. And to also challenge the pearl clutching belief that anyone watching porn is actively supporting the abuse of women. These days literally everything is available and that includes porn that is mutual made, mutually enjoyed and mutually empowering (to make and female).

Lots of people find porn pretty grim. I have no interest. Of course it would be really unlikely for someone to have never seen it, but a huge number of people have
interests in things which they’d rather spend their time on and would find their sex life and imaginations sullied by porn.

I agree and I'm aware of that. As you can see, I was responding to a poster who claimed equivalence and that pornography as we know it today has a long history on the basis of sculptures with "hips, tits and arse".

In that context, it actually seems less notable to me whether you believe that the Venus of Willendorf was made as a self-portrait by women or was a fertility symbol or a sculpture for any other reason. That poster draws an equivalence between a sculpture with "hips, tits and arse" made for any purpose with modern use of online pornography.

Fair enough, but to be honest this “porn that is mutual made, mutually enjoyed and mutually empowering (to make and female)” makes me feel 🤮

I have no interest in watching other people fucking. And the thought of people getting off on the thought of people watching them makes me feel 🤮

My sexuality belongs to me.

OP's husband is watching video porn.

The modern saturation and easy-access and frequent-use access to filmed pornography is a very particular and recent phenomenon. It's not comparable to someone historically having access to printed representations of a particular sex act, the manufacture of which did not necessarily need to entail any actual sex act to occur. The only historical equivalent to easy access to modern online pornography would be something like a historical slave owner who was able to force his slaves to engage in particular acts and positions of sex for his pleasure, and historically that was a very niche position to be in.

Well we aren't all the same!

Certain sex acts make me feel sick, but others think they're the pinnacle of sex and can't enjoy it without it.

Some people think homosexual sex is disgusting, plenty of people couldn't give a damn what 2 consenting adults do in the bedroom.

Some people think pre-marital sex is sickening, lots of the population have no issue with it.

We aren't all the same. And I'm pleased about that.

Once again, typically binary judgements on MN. The OP says he is a good father but no, posters who have never met him insist otherwise To suggest that he can’t be a good father because he watches porn is ridiculous. So if he is loving towards his children, engaging, sensitive to the need of their SEN child but watches porn does that automatically cancel out these qualities and make him a bad father? Life and people contains far more grey than applying a black and white approach.

I hate mainstream porn which is geared towards men and awful towards women (I used to watch porn for women - loving and gentle - during my younger days, but I'm now more prudish haha).

But at the same time, once a week or a few times can't be called an "addiction". Not for something this common and normalised in our society.

It's a bit like highly processed sugar... Despite the fact that it's just toxic and there are literally no upsides, eating 1-2 things containing it in a day (it's in most things, even supermarket bread) is not what people mean when they say an "addiction". Some paleo or organic or whatever people might say they suffer from sugar addiction, but we know they're subjectively framing it that way to reflect their own societally unorthodox views.

You don't have to accept it. If you want a man without porn use, those are very hard to fine, but I know and am 100% sure from experience do exist. But at the same time, if you stay, I feel like it's more helpful to use realistic terminology to actually address the issue?

"No fap" (complete abstinence) etc are good online movements he can join! Whereas if he goes to porn addiction therapy or meetings, they may ask clients to abstain for a certain duration, but the ultimate aim is to "reintroduce healthy sexuality" in moderate doses (which does include some porn from a lot of programmes' perspectives).

You and other posters are just projecting your own personal definitions of what is and isn't porn, and what the op's partner is and isn't watching.

We have no idea what kind of porn it is he is watching. There really is a full range out there. And there are some standard accepted definitions of porn, including legal definitions. I'll leave you to google the UK legal definition and perhaps the history of porn ... prepare to be amazed to hear that it pre-dates video.

It doesn't really help op, but I am not sure what would really. I still think they have a weird little dynamic going where he sins, confesses, feels guilt and shame, she tells him off luke a victorian school teacher, he gets aroused by that and wanks off some more. It'd make a nice little niche film, thinking about it

Representations of nudity are not the same as pornography.

😂 wow. Pp is right. Not all men watch porn. Logically, that's bloody stupid. Everyone is different. And you can't backtrack by saying "but geordie shore is basically porn!!!"

@ArcticSkewer It doesn't really help op, but I am not sure what would really. I still think they have a weird little dynamic going where he sins, confesses, feels guilt and shame, she tells him off luke a victorian school teacher, he gets aroused by that and wanks off some more. It'd make a nice little niche film, thinking about it

You're castigatimg people for projecting their own ideas about porn and not knowing the ins and outs (forgive the pun) of OP's situation and then go on to create your own little porn scenario you're convinced in exactly whats happening in OP's home. Sounds very specific - are you sure we're still talking about what OP's DH is wanking to??

Of course you could manage on your own.
If it's a dealbreaker to you , you need to leave. He's not going to take any notice of you because you never do anything about it.
If you hate porn , how would you feel if one of your children saw it one day ?

I’d like to know whether women who are convinced that their men don’t watch porn think that they don’t wank either?

I’m really sorry OP. You must feel so upset, hurt and stuck.

No advice, but I agree with you that pornography is awful, particularly for women. But if you won’t leave could you insist on sex addict counselling? Would he go?

I’d be wary about his viewing it at home if you’ve got DC.

Why would people think that?

And I can well believe there's men who don't use porn. I know my DH does, and I don't mind. But it's not beyond the realms of possibility that some men don't enjoy it! I had an ex who didn't like blow jobs - I don't know a single other man who doesn't, but not everyone is the same!

With the invent of social media, mobile phones, laptops etc, it's hard to get away from porn in one way or another. If you think and person (not just men), even out of curiosity, have not clicked on a picture or video?

There's a big difference between never having watched porn, ever and choosing not to watch it.

I used to watch porn but having gone without for some months, it feels gross to watch it. Can honestly say imagination is better. Much better than being physically unable to climax because you need the internet to help you. Fuck that.

My DH also has decided to not watch porn.
Can't say how it's going for him, but you can avoid the temptation if you want to.

It's a habit at the end of the day. You might even relapse a few times but it's a choice. I don't believe all men regularly watch porn (and I used to believe that before!)

@pickled you've chosen to take a little bit of my whole post and use it out of context to fit your own narrative. Clever

Read through her posts again. It's classic on his part. He even tells her all the details. Oh all the shame! Then there she is, all strict, all disapproving, but he just keeps on doing it. What a naughty little boy

Some men pay for that kind of degradation. He gets it at home for free.

You're who post was rambling about technology, I took the most relevant part.

I'm also not having a go at you, so why do you care? I respectfully disagreed. It's not an argument.

@ArcticSkewer nope, don't agree. Doesn't sound like that at all. Please refrain from messaging me while you're thinking about strict women making men ashamed and then feeling like a naughty boy. You're making me feel ill
You're on the wrong board and thread. Piss off back to the sex board

@pickled who's trying to argue? I called you clever. I praised you. No need get start a title foe tat for a bit if attention.
If my post was so rambling, I'm surprised you read enough to purposely misinterpret it, copy and paste it and disagree with it. But hey, thanks for sticking around to read the whole thing. I'm flattered. Let's not take this discussion any further, eh? It's boring