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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to have to accept his porn use

121 replies

KittyCakes · 16/04/2023 18:14

My husband has watched porn since he was a teenager and it emerged that his use of it was more of an addiction about 4 years ago. We've been together 5 and a half years and I knew nothing of it at first. We have two young children, one of them with SEN. Leaving him is not an option, I don't want to, because I would never cope as a single mum and he is a good dad.

However despite therapy for porn addiction a couple of years back, he just can't drop it. He repeatedly lies about it to me, saying that he's doing better, then it transpires that he's not. This has happened so many times. I'm now at the point where I'm just going to assume that he's always going to watch it and he has zero control over being able to stop. He's shown that. It's actually the lying about it which saddens me the most. This afternoon I angrily told him to watch porn whenever he wants because that way I can't be hurt by lies as I will just have to accept that's what he's doing. He says he want to change but I don't think he can or will. For what it's worth, I hate the porn industry. To me, it's totally deprave.

Has anyone else just had to accept that porn will always have a hold over their other half?

OP posts:
Libre2 · 16/04/2023 21:29

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 21:02

I’d like to know whether women who are convinced that their men don’t watch porn think that they don’t wank either?

Uh no. I know my DH doesn’t watch porn - he has in the past and it made him feel (mentally) awful so he doesn’t and hasn’t for over a decade. I also know full well that he wanks occasionally. Not all men need porn to wank - what a weird question.

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 21:36

They do need stimulation. And it probably isn’t you they are thinking about…..

YunaBalloon · 16/04/2023 21:50

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 21:36

They do need stimulation. And it probably isn’t you they are thinking about…..

So?
I'm rarely thinking about DH when masturbating!

ClumsyCat · 16/04/2023 21:59

YunaBalloon · 16/04/2023 21:50

So?
I'm rarely thinking about DH when masturbating!

Show quote history

Porn-users really believe they’ve got the sexuality thing down don’t they?

It’s just cheapo off-the-peg limiting brain-centre stimulation.

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 22:05

The porn industry exists because men need stimulation to wank.
Some men will be upset by it. But I’d bet that isn’t very many at all. TBH I’d find it worse if a man pretended to me that he didn’t like it but secretly did. And for those who don’t use porn, who knows what seedy shit is going through their heads when they wank - I’d guess either old images of porn they have seen in the past or Bianca from marketing….

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2023 22:09

You’re choosing to accept it because you think you have no other option.

but goodness you’re in do deep so quickly. You can’t have even known him when you got pregnant. Yet this is who he is.

ClumsyCat · 16/04/2023 22:16

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 22:05

The porn industry exists because men need stimulation to wank.
Some men will be upset by it. But I’d bet that isn’t very many at all. TBH I’d find it worse if a man pretended to me that he didn’t like it but secretly did. And for those who don’t use porn, who knows what seedy shit is going through their heads when they wank - I’d guess either old images of porn they have seen in the past or Bianca from marketing….

The porn industry, like the rest of the sex industry, plus all sex crimes such as rape and sexual slavery, all exist, because men have very high sex drives and they are driven to seek out sex.

The sexual instincts of men are very easily stimulated and exploited, so lots of people get filthy rich short circuiting men’s brains and hooking in their primitive responses. Sadly, many people are harmed, particularly women and children, buy this exploitative industry.

Part of the propaganda of the profiteers of this industry is the lie that men cannot function without it. The opposite is true, the industry needs to get more and more extreme as it doesn’t provide proper satisfaction, so it needs to find ever more perverse and novel ways to hook them in.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/04/2023 22:17

Wow, it's 2023 and people still think its only men who use porn to wank. Amazing.

Not as amazing as thinking that people who use their imagination to wank to only think 'seedy' thoughts
It's bloody hilarious.

I think we might have Mary Whitehouse in our midst people. Careful, the thought police are about if you're thinking of getting amorous tonight.

ClumsyCat · 16/04/2023 22:22

Dontbelieveaword · 16/04/2023 22:17

Wow, it's 2023 and people still think its only men who use porn to wank. Amazing.

Not as amazing as thinking that people who use their imagination to wank to only think 'seedy' thoughts
It's bloody hilarious.

I think we might have Mary Whitehouse in our midst people. Careful, the thought police are about if you're thinking of getting amorous tonight.

Ooh are you getting all amorous gurning at your phone… sexy!

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 22:23

*Dontbelieveaword · Today 22:17
Wow, it's 2023 and people still think its only men who use porn to wank. Amazing.

Not as amazing as thinking that people who use their imagination to wank to only think 'seedy' thoughts
It's bloody hilarious.*

Condescending much? Are you forgetting this is mumsnet and the FWR brigade have trodden over to AIBU. They cannot even cope with the truth that almost all men like/use porn so the prospect of women wanking away to a gangbang will cause a short circuit

Dontbelieveaword · 16/04/2023 22:27

@ClumsyCat seriously?

I'm off, some of you really make me worried

SparklingLime · 16/04/2023 22:28

Look again at separating. Living with this man can only be triggering your anxiety and lowering your self esteem.

Focus on yourself instead of his obsession. Do the Freedom Project, read Lundy Bancroft.

You deserve so much better than this.

brunettemic · 16/04/2023 22:51

I suppose the question is does it affect your life? Nobody has to accept behaviour from a partner of it negatively affects them and as some have suggested you could get your provider to block it. As a side note I always find how some people fly off the handle about porn on here as hilarious. There’s a couple I watch that I love and DH does too.

JudgeRudy · 16/04/2023 22:58

Switchwitch · 16/04/2023 18:42

How often is he watching it? Is it an actual addiction in the sense that he's at it constantly, or have you framed it as an addiction and he's agreed because it gets him off the hook?

I think addiction is assessed more on the impact its having on your life rather than I'm pretty sure I'm not physically addicted to grapes, but if I was told I could not have grapes, ever I'd struggle. I'd also be lusting after them in the supermarket/greengrocers etc and be really disappointed when I was told I could have as many blue berries or plums as I want. I do actually really like blueberries...but its grapes that I really crave.

PickIed · 16/04/2023 23:12

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 22:05

The porn industry exists because men need stimulation to wank.
Some men will be upset by it. But I’d bet that isn’t very many at all. TBH I’d find it worse if a man pretended to me that he didn’t like it but secretly did. And for those who don’t use porn, who knows what seedy shit is going through their heads when they wank - I’d guess either old images of porn they have seen in the past or Bianca from marketing….

That's quite a ridiculous statement. So anyone who's ever watched porn is condemned for life to being a liar or seedy? Well, that would include your own teen/adult children then, if you have any. Most people, especially young people, have seen porn before.

It's also none of your business what people think about privately. How on earth do you masturbate without thinking about anything at all?

whatsyourpoison13 · 16/04/2023 23:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 23:27

KittyCakes · 16/04/2023 18:29

@JuneShitfield but I have so many other problems in my life. I need support. I have anxiety, ocd and adhd which I'm on meds for and getting therapy. I don't have much family or friends. I have more financial security than he does so that's not a problem. Our son's SEN are so incredibly hard at times.

Show quote history

Are your MH problems in any way related to living with a man who has decided your feelings don't matter to him at all? A man who may not be thinking about you when you're having sex?

This man has no motivation to stop watching the humiliation and abuse of women for entertainment and sexual gratification as long as you're afraid to kick him to the curb.

AgrathaChristie · 16/04/2023 23:34

but I have so many other problems in my life. I need support. I have anxiety, ocd and adhd which I'm on meds for and getting therapy. I don't have much family or friends. I have more financial security than he does so that's not a problem. Our son's SEN are so incredibly hard at times.

You can only change you. It seems like your husband can’t be changed and your view of not accepting porn is perfectly valid.
You can help yourself though. See your GP for anxiety and ocd. Ask her/him for support for adhd. Your anxiety and ocd may well stem from the issue with yoyr husband.
You could be a single parent. If it was forced on you you’d do it and I bet you’d fight tooth and nail to be the best parent possible.
Imagine your life with just you and your children — what the home would be like, how you’d feel, what you’d do —- you’re not having to do anything, you’re just wandering through a day in your new life.
You don’t have to live the way you don’t want to.

2bazookas · 17/04/2023 00:10

He's got you properly under control, hasn't he? Probably an idea of women he gets from porn. Strange that he can control you, but can't control himself.

I'd tell him that if he has an addiction, the best thing is for everyone he knows to be fully aware of the problem so they can support his claimed wish to give it up. So you will be informing his mother, sisters, family, best friends, work mates etc about his porn/sex addiction ... with very full details, and updates about any backsliding etc. Everybody is going to know.

JMSA · 17/04/2023 00:14

Sorry to ask, but are you still having sex together?

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 17/04/2023 00:20

KittyCakes · 16/04/2023 18:29

@JuneShitfield but I have so many other problems in my life. I need support. I have anxiety, ocd and adhd which I'm on meds for and getting therapy. I don't have much family or friends. I have more financial security than he does so that's not a problem. Our son's SEN are so incredibly hard at times.

Show quote history

And all of this will be so much easier to deal with once you've dumped your porn addicted baggage.

It's only going to get worse. What was once Playboy, became videos, became online - he's addicted. He'll want a bigger thrill. He's not into vanilla porn. I'd be worried about what he is watching.

You're strong. He's not. Go.

Original poster
KittyCakes · 17/04/2023 08:06

ClumsyCat · 16/04/2023 22:16

The porn industry, like the rest of the sex industry, plus all sex crimes such as rape and sexual slavery, all exist, because men have very high sex drives and they are driven to seek out sex.

The sexual instincts of men are very easily stimulated and exploited, so lots of people get filthy rich short circuiting men’s brains and hooking in their primitive responses. Sadly, many people are harmed, particularly women and children, buy this exploitative industry.

Part of the propaganda of the profiteers of this industry is the lie that men cannot function without it. The opposite is true, the industry needs to get more and more extreme as it doesn’t provide proper satisfaction, so it needs to find ever more perverse and novel ways to hook them in.

Show quote history

@ClumsyCat you're spot on! I've watched some excellent talks on this. Particularly Gail Dines. Really helped me to understand what the industry does and how it corrupts people's minds.

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 17/04/2023 08:27

You wouldn’t stay and support an alcoholic or a gambling addict, so why this?

Naunet · 17/04/2023 08:30

Wisheverydaywasasaturday · 16/04/2023 19:52

Ok keep telling yourself that.

Show quote history

Why do people say stupid shit like this? Yes the vast majority of men watch it, but it’s incredibly arrogant of you to claim ALL men do, as if you’re some kind of oracle. All men are not the same, some even have morals.

Naunet · 17/04/2023 08:32

ClumsyCat · 16/04/2023 22:16

The porn industry, like the rest of the sex industry, plus all sex crimes such as rape and sexual slavery, all exist, because men have very high sex drives and they are driven to seek out sex.

The sexual instincts of men are very easily stimulated and exploited, so lots of people get filthy rich short circuiting men’s brains and hooking in their primitive responses. Sadly, many people are harmed, particularly women and children, buy this exploitative industry.

Part of the propaganda of the profiteers of this industry is the lie that men cannot function without it. The opposite is true, the industry needs to get more and more extreme as it doesn’t provide proper satisfaction, so it needs to find ever more perverse and novel ways to hook them in.

Show quote history

I agree with you on most points, except the idea that sex crimes happen because of men’s high sex drive. Rape is mostly about power, not sex.

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